Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

My response would be "I'm 80% sure we should not. With a bit more time I will be 100% sure."

Omg that’s hilarious.

[Anonymous]

OP he is not as into you as you are into him. Thats fine, if you want more committment and he doesn't, at least now you know and you should move on.
Or, he is divorced and is probably realizing he can play the field (especially if he had a sexless marriage), he cares about you but he wants to keep his options open.
He is now trying to make you feel the same way. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

My response would be "I'm 80% sure we should not. With a bit more time I will be 100% sure."

I retract my prior response. Go with this.

[Anonymous]

OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

Don't be ridiculous. This guy is offering nothing. This is still lazy communication and his way to keep you interested, so he can still bang you from time to time, without any commitment.

Why exactly do you still have his phone number? Block and delete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

It means he wants you. Which, duh. The question is whether you want what he offers. You need to hash it out. Sorry, not romantic… but I’d be wanting to know what would be different about things going forward. “That’s sweet. Now that you have clarity, what do you want to change in the way we’ve been doing things? I don’t want to go back to how they were.”

[Anonymous]

Four months isn't long at all, but you have to go with your gut.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy is emotionally cruel: you ended things several times, that takes a lot of emotional energy because you have to grieve giving up the good parts, hurting him etc. And he keeps coming back?? If you love someone you respect what they decide is best for them. He does not do that, just keeps messing with your emotions without offering anything new/better for the future. Just imagine you got back together... he would hold this resentment over you.

This. The bold. When you break up with someone, that's it. It's not the opening gambit to a lengthy relationship negotiation. When a girl breaks up with you, that's not the signal for you to try to convince her to keep things going. When someone breaks up with you, respect it and move on. It's a major relationship red flag not to respect a girl when she breaks up with you. We are not objects to be pursued and convinced over our own best instincts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

I would respond. But I would confirm what he means by another chance. Does he mean going back to the same as before while you wait/hope he gets to that last 20% before he is willing to plan more than 2 days in advance into the future and talk on the phone OR does he mean he is willing to address some of the things you mentioned when you met up at the coffee shop? I would have no interest in the return to the status quo. I would consider giving another chance if he wants to make changes based on our conversation. However, I would respond in a way that he has to take the lead in telling me what he means - I might say, “okay I’m interested in hearing your reasons why and what would be different the second time around”

NO! No no no no no! If he intended to make any changes, he would have CALLED her, but short of that, he could tell her THAT in his text. But nope, just more of this manipulative vague-texting.

And dammit OP, I'm so disappointed that you responded to him like that. Backbone! Get one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a guy for 4 months and it's been amazing. We are both 42 years old and divorced. A few days ago, I told him that I would like to be in a committed relationship, and if he is not ready, that's okay, but I will need to move on because that's important to me. He said I might be a step ahead of him and that it might turn into a relationship if I could give him more time.

I said no and then ended contact. The next day he texted me to say he thought I was being too harsh. I didn't respond. Then yesterday, he asked if I could meet for coffee that afternoon. I said no. He asked if there was some other time and I thought I'd go to hear him out.

We are meeting this afternoon. Obviously I'm going to stick to what I said, but how do you think this is going to go? Any advice?

Why such a hard line? The relationship is amazing per your statement. He wants to talk to you. What do you have to lose? Four months is not a lot of time. And...you need to move on to what?

OP: I want to move on to creating an amazing relationship with someone who wants that too. Right now we are stuck in limbo, and we are having sex and I don't feel emotionally safe in this "situationship". Also, I would like to plan things in the future such as going away together. We both have a week off around the holidays and have discussed it and he's made no indication of doing anything together.

He clearly likes the sex. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

My response would be "I'm 80% sure we should not. With a bit more time I will be 100% sure."

Omg that’s hilarious.

NP. It is the perfect response.

OP, he is badgering you. Send this, and then block him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

seriously OP? As a guy let me translate - he is trying to be suave about it, but he's essentially telling you that he wants to continue to sleep with you. nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

seriously OP? As a guy let me translate - he is trying to be suave about it, but he's essentially telling you that he wants to continue to sleep with you. nothing more.

This. Plus he's still ignoring that you told him that it wasn't beautiful *for you*. All he cares about is keeping the situationship that worked for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

seriously OP? As a guy let me translate - he is trying to be suave about it, but he's essentially telling you that he wants to continue to sleep with you. nothing more.

OP: thank you. You're right. I wrote back and said I'd like to make a clean break. He wrote back and said he wanted to "keep building on what we have" but I didn't respond (and don't plan to respond anymore).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: his text last night, “I think we should give this another chance…”

Me (tonight): "I'm feeling confused about what you actually want..."

Him: (a few minutes later): "You've been helping me figure it out...the last few months have been so beautiful!"


What does this even mean- is he being purposefully vague?

seriously OP? As a guy let me translate - he is trying to be suave about it, but he's essentially telling you that he wants to continue to sleep with you. nothing more.

OP: thank you. You're right. I wrote back and said I'd like to make a clean break. He wrote back and said he wanted to "keep building on what we have" but I didn't respond (and don't plan to respond anymore).

Omg I was in a relationship like this. The crazy making was brutal because it was vagueness, avoidance of the real issues, confusion, obfuscation, all wrapped up with “beautiful” words that made it seem like “wow, maybe I’m wrong about this guy. He’s actually really great and I should give him another chance.”

You are correct to just end it. Sure, if you like the pretty words and are okay with being strung along, then to each their own. But you are spot on that this guy is not emotionally equipped to sit at the grown ups table. Time to move on.