Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

If you like him, respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

PP here. OP, does any of this ring a bell? How much do you like this guy?
I think a couple people on here are saying you are needy. I think you just feel things deeply and probably want to be with someone who feels deeply for you. This guy might, but he might also be a very independent type. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of what you both want and see how much in common there is you can better decide if this is really a no go. He keeps texting you, which means he’s not really wanting to give up on this. What do you want?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did he agree to call more or make more plans? Or just the 80% in?

OP: he said he didn't realize I was free the week after Christmas to do something and he should have asked (I definitely told him). He didn't agree to call but said, "if you want to talk on the phone sometime let me know- I'm not very proactive in that area."

He is lazy and this is him showing you his absolute best. You made the right decision to end it. 100%

+2 if you had stayed together, got married or whatever, he’d expect you to do 100% of everything all the time. You were right to move on when you did.

It’s unclear to me why there are so many posts and images here.

OP didn’t do anything controversial here. She wanted more than texts and last minute plans, the guy waffled and said no, and they broke up.

If he’s this way during dating he’ll be worse once a roommate or husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

That’s way to vague to take seriously. He’s a bunch of Bs cliches and no meat.

You two are not in the same page and I’m not sure he speaks the same language as most people…

I’d say No thank you, this is for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

If you're happy with the nothing you ended up with than the 'amazing' guy you sent packing because he wasn't putting on your performative middle school romance fantasy, then continue to toss your head and say "no dice, buster". If you've thought it though and want to continue with the parts of this that worked for you, then do give it another go, while treading carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

That’s way to vague to take seriously. He’s a bunch of Bs cliches and no meat.

You two are not in the same page and I’m not sure he speaks the same language as most people…

I’d say No thank you, this is for the best.

Np. At the same time, OP described the relationship as “amazing” in her original post. And they’ve only been together 4 months, which really isn’t a long time. If it were 6-12 months I would maybe feel a bit less inclined to keep trying, but it’s such early days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

OP, I think you made the right choice cutting him loose. He made it clear that he wants to keep up what you had, not give you more like you wanted. You gave him a Hail Mary opportunity and instead of talking about how your relationship could grow into what you want, he tried to get you to accept the status quo. He's looking out for what he wants, not what you want.

I either wouldn't respond or I would give one sentence along the lines of "I made my decision and I wish you the best." Because your wants and needs matter too regardless of whether he agrees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been dating a guy for 4 months and it's been amazing. We are both 42 years old and divorced. A few days ago, I told him that I would like to be in a committed relationship, and if he is not ready, that's okay, but I will need to move on because that's important to me. He said I might be a step ahead of him and that it might turn into a relationship if I could give him more time.

I said no and then ended contact. The next day he texted me to say he thought I was being too harsh. I didn't respond. Then yesterday, he asked if I could meet for coffee that afternoon. I said no. He asked if there was some other time and I thought I'd go to hear him out.

We are meeting this afternoon. Obviously I'm going to stick to what I said, but how do you think this is going to go? Any advice?

You seem rather rigid and clingy. I wouldn’t have pressed for this coffee after that conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have kids? Does he?

Do you want kids?

If you go, try to listen more than talk. Make him do most of the talking. You want to know what he really feels. You don’t want him to just parrot what you say.

OP: I have kids. He does not. He told me he's indifferent about having his own kids; he's more interested in finding the right partner.

This was a key bit of information you withheld. We wonder he is hesitant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want what you want. Good for you for sticking to it. I don't think that 4 months is a long time, but it really depends on what has been happening for that four months. I would be interested in what a committed relationship means to him and what about it he feels unready for. I would do a lot of listening. The point is for you to get information to process, not convince him or explain yourself.

OP: Yes that makes sense. I'll go into it listening with an open mind. For the past 4 months we've been going out 2-3x/week. We spend the night at each other's places. He's met my friends.

That sounds like a relationship to me What are you asking him for that he is not into? As someone who divorced in my 40s there are so many possibilities
-he is being responsible about moving slow
-he's not that into you
-he is into you but also wants to see other people
-you are overly focused on BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
-you know what you want and he is showing that he can't give you want you want

OP: he hasn't introduced me to his friends. He never texts, only calls me (and I've asked him to). He never plans anything in the future- only a few nights out.

Yeah, those aren't good signs. Whether he has no friends, is a bad planner, or isn't that into you, none of that makes for a good longterm relationship. If you go through with the meet up, I would definitely discuss these specifics of what you are looking for. What do your friends think of him? After an awful breakup, my aunt started telling men that she would only go out on a 2nd date if they brought a female friend to vouch for them.

Wow, that's kinda crazy. I guess it's better to know someone is kinda crazy upfront though.

But then later the aunt would start getting suspicious he was sleeping with the friend or wanted to

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds reasonable, she told the guy she was moving on and yet he’s trying to keep her in this situationship. If he cared about her he’d let her go. Or, he’d make more of an effort to meet her halfway and make plans, act like a boyfriend etc. OP, if you two still are on different pages after this coffee meeting, just hold your ground and move on. BTDT; no sense in wasting your time.

I think she wants what she wants on her terms only and some of it is very arbitrary. But at least it’s over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

Just shows he’s not that into you—I would let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

I would respond. But I would confirm what he means by another chance. Does he mean going back to the same as before while you wait/hope he gets to that last 20% before he is willing to plan more than 2 days in advance into the future and talk on the phone OR does he mean he is willing to address some of the things you mentioned when you met up at the coffee shop? I would have no interest in the return to the status quo. I would consider giving another chance if he wants to make changes based on our conversation. However, I would respond in a way that he has to take the lead in telling me what he means - I might say, “okay I’m interested in hearing your reasons why and what would be different the second time around”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: Update: he sent a text tonight that said, “I think we should give this another chance…”
How would you respond (if at all)?

I think you might as well go ahead and block his number, honestly. Otherwise it seems like you are trying to manipulate him into snapping to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower. All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon. You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over.

PP here. OP, does any of this ring a bell? How much do you like this guy?
I think a couple people on here are saying you are needy. I think you just feel things deeply and probably want to be with someone who feels deeply for you. This guy might, but he might also be a very independent type. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of what you both want and see how much in common there is you can better decide if this is really a no go. He keeps texting you, which means he’s not really wanting to give up on this. What do you want?

OP: yes, some of this does ring a bell and I do like him. Honestly, I go back and forth with the possibility of him just being too literal (and British), with the scenario that he's just using me for sex. I think we have a strong connection but I don't want to go back to the status quo either. I could totally understand if he was concerned about going all in because of the kids, but he has never said that. So I'm confused.