Reply to Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Dating for 4 months and he said "not ready" for relationship- I walked away, now what?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you started out saying the relationship was "amazing" which is why so many posters responded negatively telling you to give it time and just chill. But your follow ups reveal that it is not amazing for you--he doesn't call you, only texts you in response, doesn't make plans in advance and, most importantly, doesn't want to move at the speed and level of intimacy that you want. There is nothing wrong with how he is operating, but nothing wrong with what you want either. People telling you to give it time are not in your relationship and may prefer something light hearted and more casual or at least slower.  All that being said, I think that he is confused because he believes, on the surface, he is doing all the 'boyfriend' things and the relationship is, to him, what you both agreed upon.   You see each other 2/3 times a week and are exclusive and do things besides have sex. It us possible that he is emotionally more shut down/cautious but doesn't recognize what it is you want/need, which is  deeper intimacy--and that in and of itself a sign of emotional incompatibility.  [/quote]

I largely agree with this, but I have a slightly different take. He is more literal and self sufficient than OP. When she said she was 100% in she exaggerated and when he said he was 80% he was being literal and serious about what he could realistically say. I believe OP and this guy will miss each other and probably be back in touch by January, very likely have sex again within 3-4 weeks and revisit this whole business. They will probably continue to have this back and forth pattern until OP compromises on her ideals and accepts that just because he is literal and unimaginative, that doesn’t mean he’s not there for her. He isn’t taking the time to court and seduce her and be all over her. But a guy who does that may not have the stamina for the long run. It’s just a tricky thing. As for him, he’s probably really thunderstruck and didn’t see this coming because he is giving all he can. I am guessing that he just doesn’t have a lot of imagination and is contented with little, which IME is not a bad thing for a guy longterm as he won’t get a wandering eye. Let’s see if he has any fight in him. If he doesn’t he’ll just slink away into the bushes, and if he does keep coming back and show some stubbornness maybe OP will be won over. [/quote]

PP here. OP, does any of this ring a bell? How much do you like this guy? 
I think a couple people on here are saying you are needy. I think you just feel things deeply and probably want to be with someone who feels deeply for you. This guy might, but he might also be a very independent type. Maybe if you can get to the bottom of what you both want and see how much in common there is you can better decide if this is really a no go. He keeps texting you, which means he’s not really wanting to give up on this. What do you want?[/quote]

OP: yes, some of this does ring a bell and I do like him. Honestly, I go back and forth with the possibility of him just being too literal (and British), with the scenario that he's just using me for sex. I think we have a strong connection but I don't want to go back to the status quo either. I could totally understand if he was concerned about going all in because of the kids, but he has never said that. So I'm confused.[/quote]

PP here. I think some of this seems to be a temperament issue with him. Like he’s not taking initiative, suggesting the right things, pushing for more. But what’s unclear to me is whether he’s not doing so because he’s content with this AND would be content with more, or if he’s hesitant. I think one thing is for sure, the guy is into you and not into playing the field as this is a lot of risk of rejection he’s willing to go through — circling back after you’ve told him no so many times. Only you can gauge based on what you know of his intentions where that comes from.

Dating is a bit different in Britain and British men are pretty reserved, however they are generally more straightforward than American men. I think if he’s exclusive with you the next step would be a lifelong commitment. However that would happen after many more months. For context, 80% is a B- in American terms but an A or A+ on the British scale. I read him saying 80 as he feels very strongly but just isn’t ready to marry you quite yet.

As for calling, going on holiday, etc. it sounds like you guys may have a bit of a mismatch in terms of intimacy needs. Very likely what you have going feels full fledged to him. You might want to be concrete with him and say, I’m a romantic person and I enjoy more contact in this courtship phase — such as phone calls, saying goodnight every night, fun trips or special occasions. Is that not appealing to you, or what would be your ideal? I can’t tell if you reserve such things for a serious relationship and you feel we haven’t gotten there yet. Just talk to him![/quote]

Also, I would be specific about what these things do for you. It turns me on when… I feel desired when… whatever. You guys are different. If you like him as much as you say you do, what do you have to lose by telling him and giving him a chance to deliver? [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics