Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Re: Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

You’ve really jumped to a few conclusions based on someone saying they want some alone time.
You instantly asked her if SHE wants to move out.
You post here lamenting your lack of intimacy and this topic she had to bring up.
You post that wants to be alone means divorce.

Your passive aggressive plan to get her to divorce you seems to be accelerating nicely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he even posted here with this tells me he is not as bad of a dh/dad/person as he is being painted.

That said, I certainly identify with his wife.

I don’t know any men who post here. There’s prob a pool of the same five.
His post says nothing about the children or concerns for them. All he said was they exist and his wife takes care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am a woman in my 40s who often longs to be alone. Not enough to leave. Honestly it’s not something you can fix in a day or a week or a month. Your wife has decades of losing her identity to the role of mother and wife, being taken for granted and not appreciated. You can fix it, but it’s going to take a sustained, sincere effort from you.

This is one of the stories from this column that has stuck with me over the years.

https://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/style/modern-love-those-arent-fighting-words-dear.html

I will add. When I first read this, I was younger and newly engaged. I read it from the point of view of the stoic wife with a hope that if this happened to me that I could be as calm and strong. Now 12 years later I read the husband’s role. He had to do the work. He had to reckon with his feelings. His wife didn’t enable him or rush him. It could not have been easy for him to do that. Now I read it as a reminder that I am responsible for myself - not my husband and not my children.

This is a great article that will stay with me. Thanks for sharing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:60 yo woman here. Feel the same as your wife. No affair or interest in other guys. In my case, I’m a golf widow and DH’s life consists of golf and work—in that order. I’m in my own bedroom right now and will have my own bathroom when DC goes to college this summer. I dream about living alone. I have my own money so DH doesn’t offer me much. Still, I don’t see the point in breaking up my family because of this. I suspect women have been feeling like this for centuries. It is what it is.

+1

The very idea of an affair is offputting to me. The last thing I need at this point in my life is another person who wants something from me.

Had to laugh out loud at this, because it’s so true. Not bitter, and I don’t hate men (or women). But I am just DONE.

Same. But I would change 'wants' to 'expects'. I am so tired of everyone expecting me to do things for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Dear OP
I am a DH in very similar situation. I have not read this entire thread but I want to recommend a resource that is helping me feel at peace in the same situation you are in. check out husbandhelphaven.com there is a great video series called peace and control.. 100% recommend it!

Agree. This helped me a couple years ago, lots of good material to read also.
In my case DW started hanging out with a new friend who constantly complained about her DH to my wife while talking about having an emotional affair with some guy in another state. Didn't take long for my DW to start nitpicking everything I did and deciding she wasn't happy.

You have to put the work in. Make yourself the best person you can be, and also the best husband and father your can be. Give it time and hopefully she notices. But also don't stop being this person if she decides to stay

[Anonymous]

OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This guy is just doubling down on his selfishness and total lack of understanding life. I hope he gets served tomorrow. He is not marriage material. Too dense. Too self centered. What a joke.

You’re standing in support of a woman who is the abandoning two children

of course she's taking her children. Like 99% of the other women who get divorced.

No she isn’t … she is sick of being “tethered to the kids” she wants to “live for herself”

Women who want the kids ask for a divorce snd stay in the family home.

She’s cutting and running.

No women judge is allowing a woman to move out with the kids.

At a minimum she needs a week of respite.

Then she’ll start peeling back all her unthanked efforts and match her spouse’s level of effort.

You mean excell because that is what he is doing.

We all know lots of divorced men who “excell” at work and have a personal life in ruins. Easy peasy.

His life is not in ruins. He has beautiful healthy kids, a great life, good friends. He has a wife having a mid life crisis. That’s not something he created it’s just life, dealing with other people who refuse to deal with their own shit in a healthy way.

His wife needs nothing more than a little perspective.

Try voice to text and tell me if it excels at spelling.

Huh? What thread are you responding to?

This is the thread with the Op who works all the time and is feigning surprise that his wife is sick of doing everything.

No it’s not. You are projecting. That was never said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he even posted here with this tells me he is not as bad of a dh/dad/person as he is being painted.

That said, I certainly identify with his wife.

I don’t know any men who post here. There’s prob a pool of the same five.
His post says nothing about the children or concerns for them. All he said was they exist and his wife takes care of it.

He never said she 100% takes care of the kids. She picks the camps without his help. That was the only thing said that he does not help with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Dear OP
I am a DH in very similar situation. I have not read this entire thread but I want to recommend a resource that is helping me feel at peace in the same situation you are in. check out husbandhelphaven.com there is a great video series called peace and control.. 100% recommend it!

Agree. This helped me a couple years ago, lots of good material to read also.
In my case DW started hanging out with a new friend who constantly complained about her DH to my wife while talking about having an emotional affair with some guy in another state. Didn't take long for my DW to start nitpicking everything I did and deciding she wasn't happy.

You have to put the work in. Make yourself the best person you can be, and also the best husband and father your can be. Give it time and hopefully she notices. But also don't stop being this person if she decides to stay

Or if she decided to leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

NP here. I'm pretty confused about what's difficult to interpret here. She doesn't like pretending to respect or care about your clients. And, she also feels like after starting out on equal professional footing (you went to the same grad school and presumably have the same degree), she is now the "supportive wife" instead of a person in her own right. She sounds pretty clear and articulate from your many posts...and I think it's not that she's jealous of your success so much that she's jealous of your autonomy.

I can tell you after this year of COVID I fantasize about going on a trip where I don't have to worry about a single person's needs but my own. I used to travel for business a lot, and so I at least got a day-or-two a month when I didn't have to worry about what Larlo/Larla were eating, were they dressed...or that DH wouldn't like the meal I prepared. You might have earned the money and the status for your family, but it does not sound like you've made the day-to-day sacrifices of self and need that your wife has. I'm going nuts with no break after 1.5 years...I can't imagine how she feels after 20.

Overall, it really doesn't matter whose right or wrong. She's ready to take action, and the question is whether you care. You say that she wanted to stay home 20 years ago, but it's not like she knew back then how she'd feel now. She's telling you very clearly that she wants a stronger sense of autonomy, and you are receiving it as a personal attack instead of trying to see things through her eyes. You can't be in a healthy relationship like that. The question ultimately is do you want her to be happy? How big of a deal is it to you? Doesn't matter if it makes sense to you. Doesn't matter if she asked for something different 20 years ago. Do you want her to be happy now? If so, what are you willing to do to facilitate that? Mostly, it seems to me that she'd like you to start by taking an interest in her feelings and ambitions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH could’ve written the same thing. I’m not interested in another relationship at all. No affair here. I just want peace & quiet. I want to stop bickering. I want to relax and destress. I want to be alone. DH and I don’t have anything in common anymore so we’re like passing ships most times. So isolating to be in a relationship like that.

Can you try to share some of her interest? Support her new ventures? Maybe listen?

Wish you well

I was going to respond, but PP here said what I was going to say. What I wouldn't give to just drive into a cabin in the woods for about a month or two and sit in the quiet and read books alone. And that's all it is. Focus for 20 years has been keeping kids going, supporting dh (he has to talk about his job every.day), being emotinally available for everyone, and just fitting in quality time for yourself. Maybe she's just burned out. Ask her what would help, don't assume the worst or affair off the bat. And don't assume it's all about you honestly. I love my dh and will be with him long term....but gosh right now I want away from everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

My DH would say the same thing. What he doesn't seem to understand (or want to understand) is that I don't want to be a "rock star." I want a parenting and life partner. I don't want to carry the emotional and mental load alone. Since he's abdicated, I do it anyway - because abdicating myself would mean the kids would suffer - and I guess my prize is being called a "rock star."

Such a good point. By telling you she wants to be alone, she's not telling you she wants appreciation for what she's done and is doing. She wants to stop doing it. Probably she didn't want to do it in the first place but she did it because it had to be done and no one else would. Now she's done.

I think this is the key. Even if everyone is thankful she's done!

To the OP- if you want to make your marriage work, you can commit to taking on those tasks (or outsourcing as much as possible, but YOU have to find the help, not her!) and then ask her if she knows what would help her, and then listen and support her. Is it going back to work? back to school for a different career? Are you willing to step back at work?

You and she can't change the past, or the choices you made years ago. What you can do is recognize that where she is now is not where she was when she gladly left the work force to raise kids a decade ago. Maybe she wants to continue to grow and change- do you think you can change alongside her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he even posted here with this tells me he is not as bad of a dh/dad/person as he is being painted.

That said, I certainly identify with his wife.

I don’t know any men who post here. There’s prob a pool of the same five.
His post says nothing about the children or concerns for them. All he said was they exist and his wife takes care of it.

He never said she 100% takes care of the kids. She picks the camps without his help. That was the only thing said that he does not help with.

I don't get the sock puppet role on DCUM. Are you OP clarifying little nits?

We don't know WTF he does at home or for the kids. He never mentions anything he does or runs or manages on the homefront. In fact, he so consistently does not, it is likely very very little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

Oh....ok. So I will share this: I have Ph.D/female. I was home for a couple of years with our first child. My husband traveled extensively for his work.This was the scenario for only about 2 years, it sounds like more years for your wife, but for us it was me home, him traveling and at peak career... but it killed me, inside, I have to say. It was very hard. I was so envious. I am competitive by nature, your wife probably is too and like you, my husband is "out there" (social, confident, etc). Meanwhile, I was home with a baby I adored but understimulated, and sad about what seemed like my dead career. (It was not dead but it felt like it was). We had an active social life, I was not isolated...but it was not a substitute for my career. I also I didn't even really realize that was the depth of the conflict...mostly I just felt worn down and sad by the end. What helped? My going back to work. Your wife has some stuff to work out. She's not alone...but it's painful. All I can say is therapy can help. Good luck...she's struggling with feeling overshadowed and it's painful. If you can muster some love and empathy, now is the time to offer it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

NP here. I'm pretty confused about what's difficult to interpret here. She doesn't like pretending to respect or care about your clients. And, she also feels like after starting out on equal professional footing (you went to the same grad school and presumably have the same degree), she is now the "supportive wife" instead of a person in her own right. She sounds pretty clear and articulate from your many posts...and I think it's not that she's jealous of your success so much that she's jealous of your autonomy.

I can tell you after this year of COVID I fantasize about going on a trip where I don't have to worry about a single person's needs but my own. I used to travel for business a lot, and so I at least got a day-or-two a month when I didn't have to worry about what Larlo/Larla were eating, were they dressed...or that DH wouldn't like the meal I prepared. You might have earned the money and the status for your family, but it does not sound like you've made the day-to-day sacrifices of self and need that your wife has. I'm going nuts with no break after 1.5 years...I can't imagine how she feels after 20.

Overall, it really doesn't matter whose right or wrong. She's ready to take action, and the question is whether you care. You say that she wanted to stay home 20 years ago, but it's not like she knew back then how she'd feel now. She's telling you very clearly that she wants a stronger sense of autonomy, and you are receiving it as a personal attack instead of trying to see things through her eyes. You can't be in a healthy relationship like that. The question ultimately is do you want her to be happy? How big of a deal is it to you? Doesn't matter if it makes sense to you. Doesn't matter if she asked for something different 20 years ago. Do you want her to be happy now? If so, what are you willing to do to facilitate that? Mostly, it seems to me that she'd like you to start by taking an interest in her feelings and ambitions.

I think this is really insightful. OP should definitely read this! I never stopped working and have been very happy with my career and family choices (I'm not cut out for SAHM) but I could totally imagine finishing grad school, launching a career, staying home because it made sense to take care of the kids and support your spouse's career and then a decade or two later being like... WTF was I thinking? I'm cleaning up after everyone and shuttling kids around and nodding politely to people I don't care about at social events? Is this all there is in life? when all my former classmates (including my husband) are off doing newsworthy things? I don't think it's "right" or "wrong" for her to feel like this, it's just where she is right now.