Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Poster above
And
1. Yes, try not to take it personally and
2. She should be able to selectively attend functions with you. Being coerced to socialize with people you dislike is soul sucking and she needs the freedom to pass on some of it in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that he even posted here with this tells me he is not as bad of a dh/dad/person as he is being painted.

That said, I certainly identify with his wife.

I don’t know any men who post here. There’s prob a pool of the same five.
His post says nothing about the children or concerns for them. All he said was they exist and his wife takes care of it.

He never said she 100% takes care of the kids. She picks the camps without his help. That was the only thing said that he does not help with.

I don't get the sock puppet role on DCUM. Are you OP clarifying little nits?

We don't know WTF he does at home or for the kids. He never mentions anything he does or runs or manages on the homefront. In fact, he so consistently does not, it is likely very very little.

Nope just somebody that read the posts.

He isn’t an absent parent. He doesn’t help pick camps. His wife is having a normal mid-life crisis when the kids are this age.

She is not needed, the kids are gone soon, she has no role.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

My friend has to do that too. Sometimes she skips but sometimes I go with her. I’m a good wing woman, I can get her away from the repugnant (like there is somebody I need you to meet). I have fun with it.

I have experience with trust fund baby types. It’s not easy if that’s not your upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

My friend has to do that too. Sometimes she skips but sometimes I go with her. I’m a good wing woman, I can get her away from the repugnant (like there is somebody I need you to meet). I have fun with it.

I have experience with trust fund baby types. It’s not easy if that’s not your upbringing.

It's exhausting....if I hear one more dude at a political event smile and say, "hey thanks for coming out" I might have to kill someone. (I am in perimenopause, and the struggle is real).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

My friend has to do that too. Sometimes she skips but sometimes I go with her. I’m a good wing woman, I can get her away from the repugnant (like there is somebody I need you to meet). I have fun with it.

I have experience with trust fund baby types. It’s not easy if that’s not your upbringing.

I'm sure some people have the personality type to be able to deal with that kind of thing and flourish... but it sounds absolutely awful to me. It's like "trophy wife life" and it's easy to say they're "spoiled" I could imagine how soul sucking that could be. I know I couldn't do it.

It's exhausting....if I hear one more dude at a political event smile and say, "hey thanks for coming out" I might have to kill someone. (I am in perimenopause, and the struggle is real).

[Anonymous]

Am I the only one who thinks this is basically the story of every single person, woman or man (save for the rare group of people who relish their roles as SAHP) who decided with their spouses early in the marriage that they would scale back their careers either part time or wholly for kids and family life, then mourns the loss of an independent identity outside of the family 10-15-20 years later? I mean, it’s too predictable of an outcome it’s interesting to me that this topic seems to warrant so much discussion.
OP, just help your wife establish an identity outside of the family whether it’s a new job or hobby or passion. Hire someone for appropriate childcare and housework, I’m sure you can afford both full time.

[Anonymous]

It is a common story i just don't think it is necessarily an easy one to solve. A, because it is not easy to find good work when you have been out of the job market for years (though still possible) and B I think many women are ambivalent about returning to work when they have been home many years and they have to unpack their own internal obstacles and then prepare to do the work of updating resumes, finding opportunities, interviewing, etc No easy path, usually, to returning.

[Anonymous]

And that can be depressing

[Anonymous]

I think when you have chosen to leave your career and are unhappy many years later it is easy to blame your spouse rather than owning and facing a choice you may have made that you believed was the best or only real option at the time. There are a lot of systemic issues that make it hard to work as a mother obviously (child care costs, a lack of good part time work for those who want it, etc). But maybe to avoid excessively blaming herself, she takes the more obvious route of blaming him (op).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

My friend has to do that too. Sometimes she skips but sometimes I go with her. I’m a good wing woman, I can get her away from the repugnant (like there is somebody I need you to meet). I have fun with it.

I have experience with trust fund baby types. It’s not easy if that’s not your upbringing.

I'm sure some people have the personality type to be able to deal with that kind of thing and flourish... but it sounds absolutely awful to me. It's like "trophy wife life" and it's easy to say they're "spoiled" I could imagine how soul sucking that could be. I know I couldn't do it.

It's exhausting....if I hear one more dude at a political event smile and say, "hey thanks for coming out" I might have to kill someone. (I am in perimenopause, and the struggle is real).

I never said it was easy. I said it’s easier with a wingwoman. It’s soul sucking but with a likeminded friend we no you see through the BS together.

My favorite diss to a jerk is , oh wow your senator that’s big deal did you move your family to DC. Oh your a state senator oh that’s good too. Haha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who thinks this is basically the story of every single person, woman or man (save for the rare group of people who relish their roles as SAHP) who decided with their spouses early in the marriage that they would scale back their careers either part time or wholly for kids and family life, then mourns the loss of an independent identity outside of the family 10-15-20 years later? I mean, it’s too predictable of an outcome it’s interesting to me that this topic seems to warrant so much discussion.
OP, just help your wife establish an identity outside of the family whether it’s a new job or hobby or passion. Hire someone for appropriate childcare and housework, I’m sure you can afford both full time.

You're probably right...though I also think that most family structures end up so highly customized to the details of their choices and circumstances the approach to implementing the bolded is not always obvious, and definitely not universal.

I think it's also difficult to do, because as a culture we tend to always value financial success over impact. If you're starting out later in life, your success is less likely to be financial...but it may still be impactful or fulfilling. To share my own example, around when our second DC was born, I ended up choosing a less lucrative and prestigious job in exchange for a lot more flexibility. Very quickly, I ended up kind of bored even though my job was still reasonably respectable. I ended up investing a lot of time and energy into a volunteer leadership position. It didn't always make sense to him, but DH bended as needed for it (e.g. coming home early if I had an evening meeting). At this point, I have opportunities to get paid to do the type of work I've been doing as a volunteer that aren't quite as much as my solid tech job, but at least reasonable. This didn't happen overnight, though, and DH did need to make some sacrifices/compromises to support something he frequently didn't understand and occasionally resented. I think part of what worked for me was a determination to just do it, no matter what, and a DH who was savvy enough to recognize that it was better for him/our family to let me. But it's taken years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

He admitted to not helping with camps snd tours.

Where did he state she cooks and cleans and does his laundry and he doesn’t help?

#projecting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

I hated being a military officer's wife. Hated all the shitty wives things, the small talk, the unpaid responsibilities. I was so happy when my husband retired and got a civilian job. Maybe if your wife hates being a Whatever Wife, you might actually want to consider getting another job. Surely you have other skills.