Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

Well, are you a single dad? Or do you need to discuss with your spouse a more appropriate division of labor?

DP. I'd still like an answer to this, for the sake of understanding generalizability.

"I am a man" PP -- are you a man married to a woman without significant mental or physical disabilities, and this is your division of labor? Or are you effectively kind of forced into it, because there is nothing else you can do about it right now?

If it really were not "that hard," I'd be surprised that few men who could be stepping up to the plate, don't. If it doesn't take a lot of energy or time on top of an otherwise busy life, we shouldn't be seeing parents who don't automatically chip in and do it,a s part of being partners and full parents. But we don't.

I am that PP. I am a single dad now with 50/50 custody. First I should note that I did all that stuff when we were still married. The only household thing she did when we were married was clean the bathrooms once a month - and to be sure, I appreciated that because I hate doing that (just did it yesterday). I did the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry (except for hers), and arranged all the kid activities (doctor visits as well as fun stuff) and many other things. At least in the last couple of years when she had, for all practical purposes, already decided to move out, she gave up on household tasks and kid stuff because she was (in my opinion) depressed. She did nothing when she was home but write incessantly in her journal. When she said anything about it, she snapped at me. If I didn't do that stuff, it simply wouldn't happen.

Right now, we have separate households. If I did not arrange the kid doctor visits, if I did not arrange kid birthday parties and extracurricular activities, if I did not buy them clothes, if I did not help them with their homework and school projects, if I did not take them outside to exercise, none of that stuff would ever happen. When she has them, all they do is sit and play on their iPads all day. She is completely lazy and useless. Geez she's not even the "fun" co-parent, I am in charge of fun things as well as boring things. The most that can be said is she will take them to/from the summer day camp (that I arranged and paid for) when she has custody, but it's not even 100% guaranteed that she will get off her ass and do that. I can't make her do anything, and if I don't do it nothing would happen.

I am sure I am not the only divorced parent in this situation. It is what it is...

Thanks. So you do it now because you are a single dad, and you ended up eventually before because you were "married to a woman [with] significant mental disabilities" -- i.e., as you said, depressed. Or just checked out. I'm glad you stepped up to the plate. Your kids are better off because of you.

I'm not surprised you did these things because you had to -- otherwise, they wouldn't get done. I would have been really surprised if you did it just as a regular division of labor with a regular, active partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you confused about exactly? Sounds like she explained it pretty well.

And I don't know why you think "the obvious answer is affair". The obvious answer to me is that you're selfish and she's sick of it.

Other than your reflexive projection and misandry, how do you glean this, exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds lazy. She doesn't work, then whines her husband doesn't do more housework in addition to his J-O-B. Sounds awful.

It sounds to me like she wants to get a J-O-B, and having to devote herself to taking care of her husband is keeping her from it.
I mean, if she stops doing this stuff for him, then he is going to divorce her. The options people mention where OP takes care of himself and remains married don’t really seem to be an option for him. If she isn’t going to be there whenever he wants her, then she may as well move out and divorce.

If kids are gone, they’re not having sex, she’s not doing stuff for him, and she’s focused on her own life, exactly why in hell WOULD he stay married to her? She adds nothing to his life.

I don't know. Maybe because she did all of those things for him for 20 years? Because he loves her? Because she is his family, and you don't just eliminate your family from your life without good cause? Because one or the other of them might still need or want a companion at some point?

[Anonymous]

I don't know. Maybe because she did all of those things for him for 20 years?

Does that mean she gets to pull the plug on their marriage, for all practical purposes, and he’s just gotta put up with it? For how long? In your mind, he owes her 20 years no matter how she behaves? That’d be a nope from me, anyway. I wouldn’t put up with even one year of that.

Because he loves her?

The way she’s acting, that’s not gonna last long. She clearly doesn’t love him, she has checked out, not even showing affection or friendship, he’d be a fool to keep loving someone like that.

Because she is his family, and you don't just eliminate your family from your life without good cause?

She is deliberately checking out of the family. That in itself is good reason to eliminate her from his life.

Because one or the other of them might still need or want a companion at some point?

Pffft he can go on Tinder and get a better companion than her. Heck, get a dog, a much better companion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds lazy. She doesn't work, then whines her husband doesn't do more housework in addition to his J-O-B. Sounds awful.

It sounds to me like she wants to get a J-O-B, and having to devote herself to taking care of her husband is keeping her from it.
I mean, if she stops doing this stuff for him, then he is going to divorce her. The options people mention where OP takes care of himself and remains married don’t really seem to be an option for him. If she isn’t going to be there whenever he wants her, then she may as well move out and divorce.

If kids are gone, they’re not having sex, she’s not doing stuff for him, and she’s focused on her own life, exactly why in hell WOULD he stay married to her? She adds nothing to his life.

True, what utility do whiney wives have who complain about being housewives, don't want to do it, and kids are gone, with a touch of sexual inadequacy. That sounds like a divorce waiting to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know. Maybe because she did all of those things for him for 20 years?

Does that mean she gets to pull the plug on their marriage, for all practical purposes, and he’s just gotta put up with it? For how long? In your mind, he owes her 20 years no matter how she behaves? That’d be a nope from me, anyway. I wouldn’t put up with even one year of that.

Because he loves her?

The way she’s acting, that’s not gonna last long. She clearly doesn’t love him, she has checked out, not even showing affection or friendship, he’d be a fool to keep loving someone like that.

Because she is his family, and you don't just eliminate your family from your life without good cause?

She is deliberately checking out of the family. That in itself is good reason to eliminate her from his life.

Because one or the other of them might still need or want a companion at some point?

So...you don’t believe women should work outside the home?

Pffft he can go on Tinder and get a better companion than her. Heck, get a dog, a much better companion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know. Maybe because she did all of those things for him for 20 years?

Does that mean she gets to pull the plug on their marriage, for all practical purposes, and he’s just gotta put up with it? For how long? In your mind, he owes her 20 years no matter how she behaves? That’d be a nope from me, anyway. I wouldn’t put up with even one year of that.

Because he loves her?

The way she’s acting, that’s not gonna last long. She clearly doesn’t love him, she has checked out, not even showing affection or friendship, he’d be a fool to keep loving someone like that.

Because she is his family, and you don't just eliminate your family from your life without good cause?

She is deliberately checking out of the family. That in itself is good reason to eliminate her from his life.

Because one or the other of them might still need or want a companion at some point?

Pffft he can go on Tinder and get a better companion than her. Heck, get a dog, a much better companion.

She’s not pulling the plug on their marriage. She wants some time to focus on herself. OP is the one pulling the plug. And she isn’t checking out of the family. Again, that’s OP who suggested divorce the minute his wife implied she might not make dinner for him one night.
I doubt that he is going to find a dog or a prostitute who wants to, say, go to the hospital to see their first grandchild.

But whatever, I’d he wants to pull the plug on a 20 year marriage when his wife wants to take a little time to herself, then that’s on him. I hope that he explains to his adult daughters what they “owe” their husbands, daily, without breaks, for the rest of their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't know. Maybe because she did all of those things for him for 20 years?

Does that mean she gets to pull the plug on their marriage, for all practical purposes, and he’s just gotta put up with it? For how long? In your mind, he owes her 20 years no matter how she behaves? That’d be a nope from me, anyway. I wouldn’t put up with even one year of that.

Because he loves her?

The way she’s acting, that’s not gonna last long. She clearly doesn’t love him, she has checked out, not even showing affection or friendship, he’d be a fool to keep loving someone like that.

Because she is his family, and you don't just eliminate your family from your life without good cause?

She is deliberately checking out of the family. That in itself is good reason to eliminate her from his life.

Because one or the other of them might still need or want a companion at some point?

Pffft he can go on Tinder and get a better companion than her. Heck, get a dog, a much better companion.

She’s not pulling the plug on their marriage. She wants some time to focus on herself. OP is the one pulling the plug. And she isn’t checking out of the family. Again, that’s OP who suggested divorce the minute his wife implied she might not make dinner for him one night.
I doubt that he is going to find a dog or a prostitute who wants to, say, go to the hospital to see their first grandchild.

But whatever, I’d he wants to pull the plug on a 20 year marriage when his wife wants to take a little time to herself, then that’s on him. I hope that he explains to his adult daughters what they “owe” their husbands, daily, without breaks, for the rest of their lives.

The OP said his wife is distant, not intimate, considering moving out. Clear conclusion: She is checked out. She is done with him. She has pulled the plug. She is what women would call "emotionally unavailable" as well as sexually unavailable, and (sorry OP) she ain't never coming back. It is unmistakable if you've ever experienced it as a man. Ask me how I know! He didn't say she's given him the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" spiel, but that is surely coming if she hasn't said it already.

If he files for divorce, this would not be him pulling the plug, it would be him acknowledging reality - the reality that she created.

And OP, sure, you can go ahead and try all the crap that is often suggested on DCUM - marriage counseling, find her love languages, getaways for just the two of you, blah blah blah. Not gonna work though. Make sure you consult divorce attorneys and start getting your ducks in a row, because you are going to be divorced sooner or later. Meanwhile, go to the gym and work out, it's the best therapy there is.