Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

Well, are you a single dad? Or do you need to discuss with your spouse a more appropriate division of labor?

DP. I'd still like an answer to this, for the sake of understanding generalizability.

"I am a man" PP -- are you a man married to a woman without significant mental or physical disabilities, and this is your division of labor? Or are you effectively kind of forced into it, because there is nothing else you can do about it right now?

If it really were not "that hard," I'd be surprised that few men who could be stepping up to the plate, don't. If it doesn't take a lot of energy or time on top of an otherwise busy life, we shouldn't be seeing parents who don't automatically chip in and do it,a s part of being partners and full parents. But we don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

Well, are you a single dad? Or do you need to discuss with your spouse a more appropriate division of labor?

DP. I'd still like an answer to this, for the sake of understanding generalizability.

"I am a man" PP -- are you a man married to a woman without significant mental or physical disabilities, and this is your division of labor? Or are you effectively kind of forced into it, because there is nothing else you can do about it right now?

If it really were not "that hard," I'd be surprised that few men who could be stepping up to the plate, don't. If it doesn't take a lot of energy or time on top of an otherwise busy life, we shouldn't be seeing parents who don't automatically chip in and do it,a s part of being partners and full parents. But we don't.

Um, have you heard of the patriarchy? An arrangement that allowed economic and hence social power to be concentrated in the hands of men and withheld from women? Men have choices whether to do this or that traditionally, and women don’t. Old patterns are hard to change.

Nothing is “that hard.” It’s just work like everything else. My husband does everything you don’t need a uterus for, including most cooking, laundry, dishes, groceries and household shopping, etc. He helped with night parenting and does mornings with the kids. His salary is double mine but our agreement from the start was that we both want our careers and having a family requires all hands on deck. I do a lot of household/family management work, child development and education, necessary research and planning that he does not, hence why he takes over many routinized tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

Well, are you a single dad? Or do you need to discuss with your spouse a more appropriate division of labor?

DP. I'd still like an answer to this, for the sake of understanding generalizability.

"I am a man" PP -- are you a man married to a woman without significant mental or physical disabilities, and this is your division of labor? Or are you effectively kind of forced into it, because there is nothing else you can do about it right now?

If it really were not "that hard," I'd be surprised that few men who could be stepping up to the plate, don't. If it doesn't take a lot of energy or time on top of an otherwise busy life, we shouldn't be seeing parents who don't automatically chip in and do it,a s part of being partners and full parents. But we don't.

Um, have you heard of the patriarchy? An arrangement that allowed economic and hence social power to be concentrated in the hands of men and withheld from women? Men have choices whether to do this or that traditionally, and women don’t. Old patterns are hard to change.

Nothing is “that hard.” It’s just work like everything else. My husband does everything you don’t need a uterus for, including most cooking, laundry, dishes, groceries and household shopping, etc. He helped with night parenting and does mornings with the kids. His salary is double mine but our agreement from the start was that we both want our careers and having a family requires all hands on deck. I do a lot of household/family management work, child development and education, necessary research and planning that he does not, hence why he takes over many routinized tasks.

Yes, and thank you, but I was asking the PP who posted about his situation.

Happy to continue waiting.

[Anonymous]

^^

But nice to hear about your situation! That's great, PP. Good job together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds half out the door as well. He cites lack of intimacy for years but no efforts to reconnect.

To me the Subject line says it all.
She wants to be alone (who knows how long or where) so he instantly translates that to divorce. And throws in a weak hedge work one I Guess.

He needs to be honest with himself what he is doing with her and the kids as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she regrets her life choices (even though, at the time they were her choices). Or she is wondering what could have been or could still be.

It must be very unsettling for you, because you cannot relate. But I think you have to be patient. She has the right to figure out the next phase of her life.

Perhaps tell her that you are scared, but hope you two have a future together. Describe the happy memories you hope to make with her (and if they don't include things she would enjoy, or you don't know what she would enjoy, then that says something right there). Good luck to you both.

This! Women should really think about whether they want kids or not because it totally changes your life. Your former life will cease to exist. Sounds like she should have chosen the childfree life but what is done is done. The kids needs should come first. Both of you need to fix this or your kids will be forever affected.

Isnt it so funny how it only changes ones spouses life and barely changes the others’s life or set of responsibilities and obligations?

So funny!

[Anonymous]

OP! I just remembered that there is a book about this! Well it’s a novel but it’s an important part of the plot. It’s All The Things I Never Told You.

I love it because it shows you where the mom is coming from but also shows the terrible consequences of her actions (and not to spoil too much of the plot but she doesn’t totally abandon her family and it’s still bad).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

No way. That particular lady sounds like a Queen Been with the entertaining. My bet is that OP's instincts are right in this case. Never thought I would write this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

You have two problems going on at once. A wife who is ready to enter a new chapter of her life and it will require you to make a change. But you aren't motivated to change because the glue that keeps couples together is sex and you aren't having it.

It's hard to be motivated to win someone back who you feel you would be better off without, but you know your kids need both of you so use them as your motivation. Who knows, maybe your wife getting a job will make her regain her sense of self and her libido but if she doesn't, then alimony will be cheaper. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you confused about exactly? Sounds like she explained it pretty well.

And I don't know why you think "the obvious answer is affair". The obvious answer to me is that you're selfish and she's sick of it.

Hope you have a prenup!

[Anonymous]

I could be your wife except our youngest is only 4 so I am sticking around.

I have put my life on hold. I often feel suffocated. I want to leave and start all over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you love her, fight like hell for her. Give her space but also step up to add more joy to her life. Give to her what she’s provided foe 2 decades.

I’m nervous for you that this is t obvious.

This. OP, try your best to give her a break from all the work of maintaining a home and raising kids. TAKE CARE OF HER for a change. Get marriage counseling. You don't get it if you jump to the conclusion that it must be an affair.

Np and a mid 30s wife, and work out of the home mom to a 2yr old. I’m crying reading a lot of these responses, Bc I feel so lonely, overworked, undervalued, and unappreciated.

I can’t remember the last time my dh made me feel taken care of or noticed. I can’t remember the last time he planned a family outing or a date for us. I’m the noticer (out of milk/bread, time for dentist appts, school forms, bday party gifts etc etc), the household manager and a working professional

I feel taken advantage of and resentful.

[Anonymous]

She is tired of doing everything for your job OP, and doing everything for two parents except making money, which sounds like it is the one thing you do. That's why she wants to be alone.

The last thing she would want is an affair and another person who needs her to do something. At this point, she probably still loves you, but it feels you are just one more person she has to serve everyday. Including being involved in your work life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

As someone who feels like your wife, the answer is to pave the way for her to soar. My husband could not live the life he’s living without me sacrificing mine. Because he doesn’t see it that way, I will definitely move out within the year. I don’t want to end the marriage, but I can’t continue living this way.

[Anonymous]

Um, have you heard of the patriarchy? An arrangement that allowed economic and hence social power to be concentrated in the hands of men and withheld from women? Men have choices whether to do this or that traditionally, and women don’t. Old patterns are hard to change.

This is a load of bullshit. What men did traditionally was back-breaking manual labor on farms and in factories. There was never any choice in the matter. It was that or starve. My own grandfather was send out to work at age 12, he didn't have any "choice" about it whatsoever. And oh yeah if there's a war, then "patriarchy" means men get conscripted as cannon fodder. No "choice" there either. Yay, what a great "arrangement" for men! My ancestors before my parents were peasants back to the dawn of time, and you better believe I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the so-called patriarchal privileges they had back then.