Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a case study in projection. Wow.

OP here, totally. Some helpful advice but man, people really paint her or I as the devil. And there is no way I would give up custody or my wife would ask me to do so.

She said something compelling a moment ago, will update and get feedback later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a case study in projection. Wow.

OP here, totally. Some helpful advice but man, people really paint her or I as the devil. And there is no way I would give up custody or my wife would ask me to do so.

She said something compelling a moment ago, will update and get feedback later

Troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

You should have started the fight years ago, but I guess its not to late to try

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:60 yo woman here. Feel the same as your wife. No affair or interest in other guys. In my case, I’m a golf widow and DH’s life consists of golf and work—in that order. I’m in my own bedroom right now and will have my own bathroom when DC goes to college this summer. I dream about living alone. I have my own money so DH doesn’t offer me much. Still, I don’t see the point in breaking up my family because of this. I suspect women have been feeling like this for centuries. It is what it is.

Why did you wait? You could have started your amazing life years ago. Why do you need your own house to thrive as a person?

I waited because I was raising my child essentially as a single parent and caring for an elderly relative. I recently started working at my dream job part-time and am planning to live overseas where I have family several months out of the year (can work remotely). I'll be able to live alone in an airBnB or rented apartment several months out of the year so there is that. Not saying my life will be amazing (really, whose life is?), but I won't be sitting alone at home while DH does his thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a case study in projection. Wow.

OP here, totally. Some helpful advice but man, people really paint her or I as the devil. And there is no way I would give up custody or my wife would ask me to do so.

She said something compelling a moment ago, will update and get feedback later

What did she say OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:60 yo woman here. Feel the same as your wife. No affair or interest in other guys. In my case, I’m a golf widow and DH’s life consists of golf and work—in that order. I’m in my own bedroom right now and will have my own bathroom when DC goes to college this summer. I dream about living alone. I have my own money so DH doesn’t offer me much. Still, I don’t see the point in breaking up my family because of this. I suspect women have been feeling like this for centuries. It is what it is.

+1

The very idea of an affair is offputting to me. The last thing I need at this point in my life is another person who wants something from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:60 yo woman here. Feel the same as your wife. No affair or interest in other guys. In my case, I’m a golf widow and DH’s life consists of golf and work—in that order. I’m in my own bedroom right now and will have my own bathroom when DC goes to college this summer. I dream about living alone. I have my own money so DH doesn’t offer me much. Still, I don’t see the point in breaking up my family because of this. I suspect women have been feeling like this for centuries. It is what it is.

+1

The very idea of an affair is offputting to me. The last thing I need at this point in my life is another person who wants something from me.

Had to laugh out loud at this, because it’s so true. Not bitter, and I don’t hate men (or women). But I am just DONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:60 yo woman here. Feel the same as your wife. No affair or interest in other guys. In my case, I’m a golf widow and DH’s life consists of golf and work—in that order. I’m in my own bedroom right now and will have my own bathroom when DC goes to college this summer. I dream about living alone. I have my own money so DH doesn’t offer me much. Still, I don’t see the point in breaking up my family because of this. I suspect women have been feeling like this for centuries. It is what it is.

+1

The very idea of an affair is offputting to me. The last thing I need at this point in my life is another person who wants something from me.

Had to laugh out loud at this, because it’s so true. Not bitter, and I don’t hate men (or women). But I am just DONE.

+++

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

+1. Although I am not sure that she will be back in 6 months. Sounds like she is exhausted from doing everything for everyone, including you, and wants peace and solitude. I encourage you to reflect on what you can do to make her life easier, better, more fulfilling. Ask her. And suggest counseling for you both.

+2 Give her some space, although I wouldn't want her to fully move out. And def counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Dear OP
I am a DH in very similar situation. I have not read this entire thread but I want to recommend a resource that is helping me feel at peace in the same situation you are in. check out husbandhelphaven.com there is a great video series called peace and control.. 100% recommend it!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This guy is just doubling down on his selfishness and total lack of understanding life. I hope he gets served tomorrow. He is not marriage material. Too dense. Too self centered. What a joke.

You’re standing in support of a woman who is the abandoning two children

of course she's taking her children. Like 99% of the other women who get divorced.

No she isn’t … she is sick of being “tethered to the kids” she wants to “live for herself”

Women who want the kids ask for a divorce snd stay in the family home.

She’s cutting and running.

No women judge is allowing a woman to move out with the kids.

At a minimum she needs a week of respite.

Then she’ll start peeling back all her unthanked efforts and match her spouse’s level of effort.

You mean excell because that is what he is doing.

We all know lots of divorced men who “excell” at work and have a personal life in ruins. Easy peasy.

His life is not in ruins. He has beautiful healthy kids, a great life, good friends. He has a wife having a mid life crisis. That’s not something he created it’s just life, dealing with other people who refuse to deal with their own shit in a healthy way.

His wife needs nothing more than a little perspective.

Try voice to text and tell me if it excels at spelling.

Huh? What thread are you responding to?

This is the thread with the Op who works all the time and is feigning surprise that his wife is sick of doing everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is a case study in projection. Wow.

OP here, totally. Some helpful advice but man, people really paint her or I as the devil. And there is no way I would give up custody or my wife would ask me to do so.

She said something compelling a moment ago, will update and get feedback later

Right, because you’re so in tune with your children’s needs with all those “home when I can be” weeks. Yeah. Throw some money at that and look the other way.

[Anonymous]

Does she have an attractive and ripped personal trainer? If so, focus on yourself.

[Anonymous]

The fact that he even posted here with this tells me he is not as bad of a dh/dad/person as he is being painted.

That said, I certainly identify with his wife.