Reply to Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She is tired.  She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family.  She is just tired.  
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not.  This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed.  Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored?  Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested?  (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun.  Do not make this about you.  [/quote]

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

[b]If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done. [/b]

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.
[/quote]

My DH would say the same thing.  What he doesn't seem to understand (or want to understand) is that I don't want to be a "rock star."  I want a parenting and life partner.  I don't want to carry the emotional and mental load alone.  Since he's abdicated, I do it anyway - because abdicating myself would mean the kids would suffer - and I guess my prize is being called a "rock star."

[/quote]

Such a good point.  By telling you she wants to be alone, she's not telling you she wants appreciation for what she's done and is doing.  She wants to stop doing it.  Probably she didn't want to do it in the first place but she did it because it had to be done and no one else would.   Now she's done.  [/quote]

I think this is the key. Even if everyone is thankful she's done!

To the OP- if you want to make your marriage work, you can commit to taking on those tasks (or outsourcing as much as possible, but YOU have to find the help, not her!) and then ask her if she knows what would help her, and then listen and support her. Is it going back to work? back to school for a different career? Are you willing to step back at work?

You and she can't change the past, or the choices you made years ago. What you can do is recognize that where she is now is not where she was when she gladly left the work force to raise kids a decade ago. Maybe she wants to continue to grow and change- do you think you can change alongside her? [/quote]

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