Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

[Anonymous]

I’d do the 180. Maybe start with asking her if it is anything you have done, or haven’t done. But assuming the answer is no, then 180 and prepare to move on. I’d also make it clear if she dates while you are separated that will mean instant divorce.

Sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

What are you confused about exactly? Sounds like she explained it pretty well.

And I don't know why you think "the obvious answer is affair". The obvious answer to me is that you're selfish and she's sick of it.

[Anonymous]

My DH could’ve written the same thing. I’m not interested in another relationship at all. No affair here. I just want peace & quiet. I want to stop bickering. I want to relax and destress. I want to be alone. DH and I don’t have anything in common anymore so we’re like passing ships most times. So isolating to be in a relationship like that.

Can you try to share some of her interest? Support her new ventures? Maybe listen?

Wish you well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are you confused about exactly? Sounds like she explained it pretty well.

And I don't know why you think "the obvious answer is affair". The obvious answer to me is that you're selfish and she's sick of it.

+2

[Anonymous]

What do you think doing the 180 would be in your case?

[Anonymous]

No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

[Anonymous]

It may not be an affair yet but I guarantee she is interested in some other guy.

Assume she intends to divorce you. Plan accordingly. Lawyer up. Separate your finances from hers if you haven’t already.

[Anonymous]

Could certainly be an affair. Check for Ashley Madison usage. Textbook exit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

+1. Although I am not sure that she will be back in 6 months. Sounds like she is exhausted from doing everything for everyone, including you, and wants peace and solitude. I encourage you to reflect on what you can do to make her life easier, better, more fulfilling. Ask her. And suggest counseling for you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Since you have to ask….

Too late to fight for her. You should have done that over the 20 years she ran the whole household and raised the kids herself.

The only way to fight now in this Too Little Too Late scenario is to profusely apologize and show gratitude via behaviors and actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d do the 180. Maybe start with asking her if it is anything you have done, or haven’t done. But assuming the answer is no, then 180 and prepare to move on. I’d also make it clear if she dates while you are separated that will mean instant divorce.

Sorry you are going through this.

Asking her if there’s anything you’ve done or haven’t done?!?
You mean play dumb about how self centered you’ve been the whole time? Or just flat out deny it or pretend your paycheck was caring, effort and emotional support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are you confused about exactly? Sounds like she explained it pretty well.

And I don't know why you think "the obvious answer is affair". The obvious answer to me is that you're selfish and she's sick of it.

+2

NP. What a ridiculous assumption. Actually, OP seems sensitive about this issue. Just because a women is sick of people and wants to be alone, doesn’t mean her DH is a dickhead. I have felt the same as your wife, OP, and my husband is a great guy. We women just need space sometimes. It could be a phase, all marriages and adult lives have them, ups and downs. I suggest counseling. She sounds like she’s in a bad space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Since you have to ask….

Too late to fight for her. You should have done that over the 20 years she ran the whole household and raised the kids herself.

The only way to fight now in this Too Little Too Late scenario is to profusely apologize and show gratitude via behaviors and actions.

OP here, perhaps I shouldn't take this response so personally but what does this mean? I worked my tail off for the family and provide a very comfortable if not wealthy existence. And I was home when I could be. She wanted to leave the workforce. I am happy to help her transition but I don't see this as my fault - or hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

OP here, thanks. I am considering being supportive of her leaving, assume it's temporary but who knows. But I am afraid she could see me helping her move out as something I want her to do. How to balance being supportive v being a pushover v seemingly being in agreement with her?