Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Are you really surprised? Most of the time women make it clear that you’re being selfish. But you’re acting like this is totally surprising.

[Anonymous]

I don't really have anything to add, but I am a wife who wants to be alone and I feel so validated here. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I long to move out and be alone for a few months when DC move on the college. Would love some me time and space. Don’t need a divorce just a reset.

Only advice is to sit down and talk about what she is aiming for. Agree marriage counseling may be a good opportunity when she is ready.

That sounds like what she may want too? Not sure an affair by you is the answer to anything. Are you new empty nesters? Have separate vacations, at least a week. Then TALK and reassess. This past year has been hell on the people doing the bulk of the parenting.

[Anonymous]

If you love her, fight like hell for her. Give her space but also step up to add more joy to her life. Give to her what she’s provided foe 2 decades.

I’m nervous for you that this is t obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really surprised? Most of the time women make it clear that you’re being selfish. But you’re acting like this is totally surprising.

I'm the wife in a similar situation. I've told my husband repeatedly what the issues are and what I need. He agrees when we talk but then nothing changes. He would claim to be surprised about the way I feel if I left.

[Anonymous]

As the wife in this situation, I’d say you do nothing. She’s made up her mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you love her, fight like hell for her. Give her space but also step up to add more joy to her life. Give to her what she’s provided foe 2 decades.

I’m nervous for you that this is t obvious.

This. OP, try your best to give her a break from all the work of maintaining a home and raising kids. TAKE CARE OF HER for a change. Get marriage counseling. You don't get it if you jump to the conclusion that it must be an affair.

[Anonymous]

I am basically your wife’s twin.

I already know I’m done. I’ve told my Dh but he is a narcissist and would make divorce hell. So I’m sticking it out until my kids are out of high school and then I’m moving out.

We don’t sleep in the same room, we have nothing in common except friends, he thinks his career success is the only important thing in life. His parents and siblings back him up on this.

If you love your wife do a 180 on yourself, change for her, care for her, think about her needs and wants in life, put her first. But since your mind first blames her for an affair, this tells me that you probably can’t do those things so let her go kindly and peacefully. Don’t make it an ego war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

There isn’t much you can do, sadly. This is her issue. Maybe it was caused by something you did, and maybe it isn’t. No way for us to know, and indeed there may be no way for you to know. The fact that she is dissatisfied NOW is really quite irrelevant to whether or not the decisions made earlier made sense to her or you then. I’m sure that sounds totally unfair to you, and indeed from my perspective it is. But you can’t appeal to that to her: she almost certainly won’t look at it that way.

So what can you do? Be compassionate to her needs, treat her kindly, counseling might help, as might space, and be explicit about wanting things to work out. But you also need to be mentally preparing for how to deal with the end of your marriage, at least as a contingency. Reconnect with your friends. Reinvigorate your own outside interests. Consider what the financial consequences might be and think about how to mitigate them. Prepare physically to get back on the dating market if needed—you’ll have a huge amount of options. You will be fine. I know it is hard to watch someone you love do something that is not likely to lead to long term happiness because of a potentially-transient midlife crisis, but you can’t stop her. If things go that way, either she is making the right decision for herself or she isn’t, and the consequences will have to be what they are. Paradoxically, I think making sure you have your life right and are thinking clearly will reduce the risk this comes to a split. The go plan is always and everywhere the same as the stay plan if you are thinking rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Since you have to ask….

Too late to fight for her. You should have done that over the 20 years she ran the whole household and raised the kids herself.

The only way to fight now in this Too Little Too Late scenario is to profusely apologize and show gratitude via behaviors and actions.

Omg, ran the household. Hilarious. OP worked hard as a breadwinner while she was basically retired once kids went to school.

[Anonymous]

Help her get her alone time in a setting that will help her gain perspective. Ask her if there’s a place she’d like to go for a few months to reset and help her do it. Does she want to live in a beach or mountain town for a season? Is there some sort of retreat or adult camp/spa/program that she’s like to attend? Is there a place she’s like to travel to and immerse herself in the culture? Support her in this, give her some space and a little time and you might end up with the best years of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d do the 180. Maybe start with asking her if it is anything you have done, or haven’t done. But assuming the answer is no, then 180 and prepare to move on. I’d also make it clear if she dates while you are separated that will mean instant divorce.

Sorry you are going through this.

This is the worst possible advice and probably came from a man.

[Anonymous]

She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

+1. Although I am not sure that she will be back in 6 months. Sounds like she is exhausted from doing everything for everyone, including you, and wants peace and solitude. I encourage you to reflect on what you can do to make her life easier, better, more fulfilling. Ask her. And suggest counseling for you both.

This is the answer. ignore all the above posts that are obviously from men saying she is preparing to leave you so strike first etc. She is sick up to her eyeballs of having lost herself, her time, her dreams, her identity in a situation that gives her no room for self-expression. Do what she's asking. Step up. Take on more responsibility at home. Give her time and space. Give her off time. Support her advancing her career like she did for you if you want to stay together. These types of "I'm sick of being a mom/wife" situations are some of the saddest divorces IMO bc the kids invariably feel abandoned and it permanently affects them. STEP. UP. NOW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No to affair.

She is sick of doing things for other people. She thinks if she can leave she can reclaim who she wants to be. She regrets stalling her career.

Here is the thing. She is having a midlife crisis. Leaving won’t fix any of this for her.

This isn’t your fault. You can’t fix it.

I wouldn’t do a full 180 but I’d encourage her to move out and figure it out but your not waiting for her to figure it out.

She’ll be back in 6-9 months.

Same here. I amarreid a selfish man who considered me the passenger in his side car audit was his way or the high way, even if working FT I had no say in where we lived, what house we bought bc he was the bigger breadwinner and he felt it was his right. I hated having no voice and no creativity in shaping our life. I left. He did not change. Just demanded I return on his terms. I am still gone.


Umm, no. Leaving fixes a lot of problems when you live with self-centered people. My husband is now my ex and still expects me to do stuff for him. But now I can simply say NO and hang up the phone or close the door and that is the end of it. My house is clean, and I only have myself to clean and cook for. I can do what I please.

It’s not a midlife crisis when a woman says she is tired of putting everyone become herself. It is a back-to-life crisis because the woman wants to get back to her life.