Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

[Anonymous]

I really want to find out who this women is and tell her husband because he should know she was having unprotected sex in his bed for 3 years. She let another man in his house and they have teenage boys. When he was at work and boys at school.

I wish somebody had told me 3 years ago

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure who to talk to professionally about this. I’ve never had therapy or known anyone going.

I’m so upset and sick and haven’t slept so I can’t function to find one.

I’m working and have my boys- 12/14 who I am having to pretend dads on work trip. He does work in an area it could be believable

I've been in your position, OP, and I'm so so sorry. Do you need help making a plan?

1) I know telling people is scary, and you don't really know what words to use, but I would beg you to pick up the phone and call your closest girlfriend. I promise this will feel better when you aren't holding it inside. You've done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You feel in love with someone broken, and who made bad choices, but who among us hasn't?

2) Your employer probably has an employee assistance line that will get you 3 free therapies. It won't be great but will give you practice telling your story.

3) I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Hi. I was completely blindsided and all my friends have been shocked. Married happily for 25 years before it started with his coworker. I did not realize how strong the pull is to emulate a father who had cheated and acted like cheating was not only ok but a positive good (follow happiness, etc). Cheating is definitely a function of mental health problems for the cheater, immaturity, etc. We are working to reconcile now but it takes a tremendous amount of therapy for cheater and marriage. Find experienced emotionally focused therapist (Gottman method). Cheater has to have no contact, full transparency and work very very hard on themself. They need to feel for themself deep remorse and shame. We are not a year out yet so I dont know yet if it will work but investment is worth it for me (and not for money reasons). Obviously the other woman is a complete piece of shit — in our case someone who clearly had daddy issues and inappropriate conduct including in a work place. She is also married. Best wishes PP whose story sounds like my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Friend’s DH cheated on her with no electronic or other trace. He didn’t email, call or text the OW beyond work emails (and rarely) but saw her M-F at work with her Apt 2 blocks away. He was a devoted family man from all appearances, coached DC’s sports team, affectionate towards his wife, great family vacations, etc. This went on for years. The OW told her.

These types of situations are EXTREMELY RARE! Because very few women will put up with this kind of relationship unless the man is extremely wealthy and if he’s not the women are disgusting low hanging fruit.

Not rare at all. By and large, these men aren’t having affairs with women who are hoping this will turn into a serious or that he’s going to leave his wife. These affairs are with married women who also don’t want to upend their lives. And they most certainly can happen with zero social media/phone evidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi. I was completely blindsided and all my friends have been shocked. Married happily for 25 years before it started with his coworker. I did not realize how strong the pull is to emulate a father who had cheated and acted like cheating was not only ok but a positive good (follow happiness, etc). Cheating is definitely a function of mental health problems for the cheater, immaturity, etc. We are working to reconcile now but it takes a tremendous amount of therapy for cheater and marriage. Find experienced emotionally focused therapist (Gottman method). Cheater has to have no contact, full transparency and work very very hard on themself. They need to feel for themself deep remorse and shame. We are not a year out yet so I dont know yet if it will work but investment is worth it for me (and not for money reasons). Obviously the other woman is a complete piece of shit — in our case someone who clearly had daddy issues and inappropriate conduct including in a work place. She is also married. Best wishes PP whose story sounds like my own.

Thanks. I’m sorry this happened to you as well.

Hell- it probably could have been the same woman doing it again with my husband

Are you living in separate homes now? Do your kids know something is going on?

Did the other woman’s husband ever find out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure who to talk to professionally about this. I’ve never had therapy or known anyone going.

I’m so upset and sick and haven’t slept so I can’t function to find one.

I’m working and have my boys- 12/14 who I am having to pretend dads on work trip. He does work in an area it could be believable

I've been in your position, OP, and I'm so so sorry. Do you need help making a plan?

1) I know telling people is scary, and you don't really know what words to use, but I would beg you to pick up the phone and call your closest girlfriend. I promise this will feel better when you aren't holding it inside. You've done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You feel in love with someone broken, and who made bad choices, but who among us hasn't?

2) Your employer probably has an employee assistance line that will get you 3 free therapies. It won't be great but will give you practice telling your story.

3) I'm sorry.

Yes. I am in the throes of nausea, lack of sleep, shock. I was allowing my week to have this settle in so that I can than get to work.

I threw him out of the house and he’s in an Airbnb. I am allowing him to see the kids Saturday/Sunday (home from work trip) but then back out first thing Monday morning. He calls them at night.

If he were in the home I would have a very hard time not having a fight in front of the kids. I am actually thoroughly amazed and proud of myself that I did not when they were sitting right next to us when I made the photo discovery.

I need time to settle

[Anonymous]

What breaks my heart is how sweet and happy they are laughing and having fun and this will cause them life lasting problems and change their entire lives and future. I will worry about their own mental health as they deal with this at critical ages— 12 and 14.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi. I was completely blindsided and all my friends have been shocked. Married happily for 25 years before it started with his coworker. I did not realize how strong the pull is to emulate a father who had cheated and acted like cheating was not only ok but a positive good (follow happiness, etc). Cheating is definitely a function of mental health problems for the cheater, immaturity, etc. We are working to reconcile now but it takes a tremendous amount of therapy for cheater and marriage. Find experienced emotionally focused therapist (Gottman method). Cheater has to have no contact, full transparency and work very very hard on themself. They need to feel for themself deep remorse and shame. We are not a year out yet so I dont know yet if it will work but investment is worth it for me (and not for money reasons). Obviously the other woman is a complete piece of shit — in our case someone who clearly had daddy issues and inappropriate conduct including in a work place. She is also married. Best wishes PP whose story sounds like my own.

Thanks. I’m sorry this happened to you as well.

Hell- it probably could have been the same woman doing it again with my husband

Are you living in separate homes now? Do your kids know something is going on?

Did the other woman’s husband ever find out?

OP — I would be happy to talk with you directly but don’t know how to send a personal message. DH and I have stayed in the same house. What you are experiencing is equivalent to post traumatic stress. It is horrible, devastating, one of the very worst things that can happen to you. I am seven months out and struggling so much every single day. It takes years to reconcile and what is required from the cheater is enormous because they have to be the one to change themselves and help heal you at the same time and they were not equipped before this which is why they cheated. In our case, the OW’s husband knew about it — they are young and have some version of polyamory or something like that. So he knew and was ok with it. All fo them knew I did not know and was being deceived. Also, you need to be sure to take care of yourself physically — may need to assume sex was unprotected — not shocking when you think about the mindset. I immediately got tested. I know that might be hard right now but call your doctor. PM me if you know how and if you want. So sorry. Also think about who to tell if you might want to reconcile. Some people are so opposed. What you want is emotionally attuned support for you. I had one girlfriend who was the absolute best for months and then several others also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

It's so easy now. Even back in the day it was simple to catch a cheater. Mine had a pager, but was really secretive. I went and ordered a Motorola pager just like his, put a scratch in the corner like his, then they were identical. Switched the pagers out and I kept his for 3 days. When his got a page I would immediately call my pager and put the number through. Sure enough he was getting a partial number or code that was suspicious. Immediately me and a friend followed him from work in her car, sure enough he was cheating on me.

I taught a lot of women that one back in the day, LOL. Today I've given a few friends a website with a good gps with a magnet where you just log in and can see in real time where the vehicle is. One husband was parking his car in a shopping center over a hour. My friend went and waited and sure enough the W was picking him up. It's always a mistake to put your head in the sand whether it's finance related, or partner related. Get to the bottom of it and solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

That’s all pretty basic shit.

My IT husband hacked his IPhone so his location would show he was somewhere else when it was with him.

I could tell you loads of other IT hacks and tricks he used not to get caught that are much more high level than your stuff. And I used his phone and had the passwords. If they want to cheat, they are one step ahead until they finally make some stupid mistake and end up outing themselves.

Not pp, but why would anyone resort to trying to find their location from their phone? For one they can edit the timeline or turn off location.

Either get a good gps, have a friend or PI follow them to and from work (usually when they meet the AP). You'll find out very quickly. A cheater can't hide it once a spouse decides something stinks and is committed.

[Anonymous]

OP — I would be happy to talk with you directly but don’t know how to send a personal message. DH and I have stayed in the same house. What you are experiencing is equivalent to post traumatic stress. It is horrible, devastating, one of the very worst things that can happen to you. I am seven months out and struggling so much every single day. It takes years to reconcile and what is required from the cheater is enormous because they have to be the one to change themselves and help heal you at the same time and they were not equipped before this which is why they cheated. In our case, the OW’s husband knew about it — they are young and have some version of polyamory or something like that. So he knew and was ok with it. All fo them knew I did not know and was being deceived. Also, you need to be sure to take care of yourself physically — may need to assume sex was unprotected — not shocking when you think about the mindset. I immediately got tested. I know that might be hard right now but call your doctor. PM me if you know how and if you want. So sorry. Also think about who to tell if you might want to reconcile. Some people are so opposed. What you want is emotionally attuned support for you. I had one girlfriend who was the absolute best for months and then several others also.

These people suck at polyamory. Just...for the record. I'm not poly, but I'm well aware that a core tenet is ETHICAL non-monogamy.

[Anonymous]

I really want to find out who this women is and tell her husband because he should know she was having unprotected sex in his bed for 3 years. She let another man in his house and they have teenage boys. When he was at work and boys at school.

I wish somebody had told me 3 years ago

In order to have any hope of reconciling, your DH needs to be remorseful (not just regretful). That includes full transparency with all devices, and of course he needs to tell you his AP's name. If he is transparent with his devices, you can also go to the location tracker on his phone and see where he went on Friday afternoons. Please tell the AP's spouse - he deserves to know the truth of his marriage so he can make informed decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A very good friend of mine for the last 35 years had her husband blindside here. He was working as an associate in big law and was telling her he was working late but was actually going to strip bars (in Philly, not here). One day she gets a phone call from a woman claiming to be a stripper that her husband had told her he loved her and now she needed money. So somehow she got my friend’s number and was calling her for phone. She wasn’t pregnant, and it was unclear what the money was for. My friend was floored. When her husband got home from work that night she confronted him and he said yes, I’m in love with a stripper. I am not sure who I love more so I would like to date both of you to decide.

She told him to go F himself, threw her dogs and a suitcase into her car and drove back down to the DMV to her parents house. They didn’t have kids but they had been college sweethearts and she had put him through law school with her teachers salary. They got divorced, but not before my law firm and his had to close a huge deal together and I was forced to spend a week in a conference room with him, 14 hour days and he knew that I knew.

My friend met a new man a few years after her divorce, they got married and now she’s living happily ever after with him and their kids.

Lol did you friend get remarried and have kids at age 54?

Um, no. I am not sure why you think it’s funny. She’s been my friend since I was about 5 and the divorce happened 10 years ago. We’ve been friends now for 35 years which would make us around 40, her divorce at around 30 and getting remarried and having kids in between.

Where did you come up with 54?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who cheated on his wife. I got away with it but eventually confessed. My wife was devastated. The deed was bad. Seeing the pain I caused to the one person who completely trusted me was almost too much to bear. The good news is that we worked through it and are still married. It can be done but not without a pain and forgiveness. If the cheater is not remorseful, that is a big red flag.

Your a bigger jerk for confessing and putting your poor wife through turmoil just to cleanse your own guilt.

Yes, I have thought about that. My wife said she wanted to know but I’m not sure. I did it because I got saved and became a Christian and thought it was the right thing to do. It helped me become a much better person and the husband she actually deserved, but she paid a price that she should not have ever had to pay. I hope God gives me enough time to prove to her the pain was worth it.

I disagree with PP, I'd want to know. I speak from experience. It was awful for awhile, but the honesty restored my trust in him in the end. He was also really patient with my healing and pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

That’s all pretty basic shit.

My IT husband hacked his IPhone so his location would show he was somewhere else when it was with him.

I could tell you loads of other IT hacks and tricks he used not to get caught that are much more high level than your stuff. And I used his phone and had the passwords. If they want to cheat, they are one step ahead until they finally make some stupid mistake and end up outing themselves.

Put a gps tracker under his car!!