Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The neighbor still lives here, so I see her all the time. Our kids play together

That’s tough. Is she married? Did her husband know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular take, but I think most people secretly know (or are purposefully blind).

Not true in my case, but I was not looking for proof of it, either. Never looked at cell phone or credit card statements. It wasn't that I was "purposefully blind" - I just didn't think I had reason to check for signs of affair. In finding out about the affair, I found signs of past cheating, too.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Yes, it is very shocking. How did you find out? How was he having an affair during the pandemic? Making up fake errands or work? Does he want to get divorced?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Yes, it is very shocking. How did you find out? How was he having an affair during the pandemic? Making up fake errands or work? Does he want to get divorced?

Fake need to go into the office yesterday having to do with security computer patch. Had been complaining it might be a possibility since Monday.

Are you ready for this? I am looking at my photos (are phones sync) and there is obviously a photo that was accidentally taken of a floor half bed window and his pants underwear on floor and I see laptop in corner all with iPhone date stamp and location.

Things have been good. He was seeing a therapist on his own. He claims because of this and he ended it yesterday. He was working with therapist about coming clean and on himself. Therapy part is true but he had anger issues (not scary) and I now know why he was snapping at kids. Still always trying to have sex, normal in every other way...

Truly the last thing I would expect.

And we’ve not had anyone in our home, wear gloves mask at grocery store, kids don’t have play dates...

And he does this?!?!! Omg. I really can’t make this up and it’s so far-fetched I can’t even confide in neighbors/friends because I have my kids to think about.

No way can I recover from this. I am still in literal shock phase. No prior signals.

[Anonymous]

And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

[Anonymous]

He claims he does not want a divorce. He wants to be a good husband and father. He hates himself. He also claims he went there to end it. Won’t give any details. He wants me to talk to his therapist with him.

I think I’m done. This is too big and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Thankfully I have a good career/income myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

Thanks

[Anonymous]

I was completely blindsided as it appeared to be completely out of character for him. He claimed he despised cheaters and would not even be able to watch a cheating scene in a movie or tv show saying it upset him.

We did have problems in our marriage but I did not imagine he would find a way out through cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He claims he does not want a divorce. He wants to be a good husband and father. He hates himself. He also claims he went there to end it. Won’t give any details. He wants me to talk to his therapist with him.

I think I’m done. This is too big and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Thankfully I have a good career/income myself.

I don’t believe that he went there to end it. Why the need to do that in person during the middle of a pandemic when your family has been avoiding contact with others? I call bullshit on that. The pandemic is the perfect excuse to use to avoid seeing an affair partner if he was sincerely looking to get out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Umm. Yes, yes he can go somewhere. He should move to a new apartment immediately. He can take one suitcase and a box of essential things. Kids can visit him there. There are plenty of Air BnBs that would be glad for a 3 month guest at reduced rates.

If he self-quarantines and you self-quarantine, and the two of you are the only people he comes into contact with, then there is no additional risk to the kids. If he insists on contacting his partner, then that is on him if/when the kids or you get sick. You can only control you and your behavior. If he's contacting his AP phyiscally now in the middle of the pandemic and he is still doing it when he moves out, there is no additional risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a ton of shock right now. The level of deception —especially during a time like this-has me reeling.

There are no divorces on either side of my family. My parents had a very happy marriage and I had a great childhood.

That’s what I will mourn for my kids and it will change the rest of their lives. My family does big family holidays and everyone is tight knit.

His family is full of dysfunction which I should have cared more about and seen red flags in my 20s. His father was a real piece of work. We’ve been married 21 years.

I feel physically sick to my stomach. And it’s a f@cking pandemic so it’s not like we can go anywhere.

Yes, it is very shocking. How did you find out? How was he having an affair during the pandemic? Making up fake errands or work? Does he want to get divorced?

Fake need to go into the office yesterday having to do with security computer patch. Had been complaining it might be a possibility since Monday.

Are you ready for this? I am looking at my photos (are phones sync) and there is obviously a photo that was accidentally taken of a floor half bed window and his pants underwear on floor and I see laptop in corner all with iPhone date stamp and location.

Things have been good. He was seeing a therapist on his own. He claims because of this and he ended it yesterday. He was working with therapist about coming clean and on himself. Therapy part is true but he had anger issues (not scary) and I now know why he was snapping at kids. Still always trying to have sex, normal in every other way...

Truly the last thing I would expect.

And we’ve not had anyone in our home, wear gloves mask at grocery store, kids don’t have play dates...

And he does this?!?!! Omg. I really can’t make this up and it’s so far-fetched I can’t even confide in neighbors/friends because I have my kids to think about.

No way can I recover from this. I am still in literal shock phase. No prior signals.

It's a very traumatic discovery. Please google "betrayal trauma". Get yourself your own therapist and focus on your needs and the needs of your kids as it relates to building a healthy home environment (which is most likely not with a cheating spouse).

You don't have to make any decisions about the marriage right now, but you can do so if you want. Personally, I knew it was over the day I found out about the betrayal. I had always known and had communicated to my now ex at the beginning of our relationship that I was only interested in monogamous relationships. I also knew that he didn't have the strength of character to examine himself in the rigorous way necessary for our relationship to be able to recover from the affair. Nonetheless, I gave him time to try. I'm not sure how I feel about giving him that time in retrospect -- on the one hand it is 2.5 wasted years of my life. On the other hand, when I did finally kick him out, I was 100% sure that I bore no responsibility for those consequences, and I have been able to continue my life without falling for his attempts to get me back or having any regrets about not working it out with him.

Please also confide in your parents and at least a few friends, as long as you think the people you confide in will be supportive of you instead of blaming you. It is very self-destructive to you to keep this a secret long term. IMO, if he wants to maintain the relationship with you, he's going to have to come clean not only to you, but to anyone you designate. Living with this kind of secret creates a feeling of inauthenticity and fakery in your life that makes you very disconnected socially. It's very isolating.

He's going to have to come clean about everything and be willing to be completely transparent to you in his life for a long time to come. If he balks at any of that or refuses, it's a sign that he is not really willing to do the work of recovering the relationship. I agree with other PPs that it is exceedingly rare that a cheater has the capacity to deal with what they've done and really do the work to create a healthy relationship with the victim spouse.

Please get in touch with some divorce attorneys. Get a consult and figure out what is the likely child custody amount and custody split and what the process is. Courts are closed right now in most jurisdictions, so you can't even file for either divorce, custody or support, I think. Nonetheless, best to know your options. Attorney can also tell you what documents to preserve so child custody and marital equity split is fairly decided. (Taxes, pay stubs, screenshot of savings and retirement, etc.)

So sorry you are in this situation. You are in shock now, but you will come out the other side and be able to create a healthier life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I’m stuck in my damn house and want to throw all of his sh@t out the window.

Go to survivinginfidelety.com you will get lots of good support there.

Thanks

Chumplady.com is better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unpopular take, but I think most people secretly know (or are purposefully blind).

Not true in my case, but I was not looking for proof of it, either. Never looked at cell phone or credit card statements. It wasn't that I was "purposefully blind" - I just didn't think I had reason to check for signs of affair. In finding out about the affair, I found signs of past cheating, too.

NP. Also not true in my case. Knew many of his friends and professional colleagues, all of whom told me independently what a great guy he was. I also never looked at mobile phone, credit card, etc. Why would I be with a person I didn't think I could trust. I would rather be single than have to review the credit card statements for proof of cheating every month.

I accidentally stumbled on hard proof of cheating, and once I started sleuthing, I found out tons. Nonetheless, he still lied extensively in couples and individual therapy, putting out an elaborate and believable cover story. It took me several months of watching, keylogging, looking at bills, etc. to blow up his cover story.

I never in a million years would have imagined what I found out. Those friends who I told were also shocked he was the kind of guy that would do that.