Anyone completely blind sided by a cheating spouse ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He claims he does not want a divorce. He wants to be a good husband and father. He hates himself. He also claims he went there to end it. Won’t give any details. He wants me to talk to his therapist with him.

I think I’m done. This is too big and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Thankfully I have a good career/income myself.

Please please please go read chumplady.com it will save your sanity

[Anonymous]

+1000. Definitely read Chumplady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

So very arrogant...

You really shouldn't be bragging that EVERYONE you've ever dated has cheated on you, as that sounds like a YOU problem.

[Anonymous]

A very good friend of mine for the last 35 years had her husband blindside here. He was working as an associate in big law and was telling her he was working late but was actually going to strip bars (in Philly, not here). One day she gets a phone call from a woman claiming to be a stripper that her husband had told her he loved her and now she needed money. So somehow she got my friend’s number and was calling her for phone. She wasn’t pregnant, and it was unclear what the money was for. My friend was floored. When her husband got home from work that night she confronted him and he said yes, I’m in love with a stripper. I am not sure who I love more so I would like to date both of you to decide.

She told him to go F himself, threw her dogs and a suitcase into her car and drove back down to the DMV to her parents house. They didn’t have kids but they had been college sweethearts and she had put him through law school with her teachers salary. They got divorced, but not before my law firm and his had to close a huge deal together and I was forced to spend a week in a conference room with him, 14 hour days and he knew that I knew.

My friend met a new man a few years after her divorce, they got married and now she’s living happily ever after with him and their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did any of you ever have contact with the person they were cheating with?

I’m the pregnant lady.

The 1st one no.

The 2nd was a coworker and I saw her at work events, I never actually suspected her specifically she literally looks like a man... like Pat from Saturday night live. My son actually caught them and he was like is dad gay. I was like no that’s a woman. That took a bit of counseling for him.

Your description is funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suspect my spouse has cheated but I can't prove it. I know he is lying about money. He password protects everything. He has lied to my face. But I can't prove it and he continues to gaslight me. I would love to be able to confront him with hard evidence. I would love the FBI agent to share some tips. I know I am not alone.

Ok FBI agent here. I’ll give all you goofballs some of my secrets eventho I should be charging you. I bought about 6 mini digital voice activated recorders. I used Velcro to attach them to places I thought covert convos would happen. Inside car for sure, under his/hers office desk, and places in your house where they might carry on conversations. Under your bed if he’s a real slime ball and he has someone over while you’re away.. These things are amazing and I caught those rat bastards every time! But now with the loss of verbal Communications that’s a little harder. Renting a gps is what I did too. Renting is so much easier because they come already set up and all you have to do is put your login they give you and a password on the computer and attach that magnetic sucker under their car. Oh boy was that fun watching their every move even while I would be talking to them. You really don’t need to rent them long if you suspect anything trust me. Mine was going to massage parlors during work hours. Ugh. You’re welcome! btw if you’re not ready for the truth don’t do it, keep your head in the sand.

That’s all pretty basic shit.

My IT husband hacked his IPhone so his location would show he was somewhere else when it was with him.

I could tell you loads of other IT hacks and tricks he used not to get caught that are much more high level than your stuff. And I used his phone and had the passwords. If they want to cheat, they are one step ahead until they finally make some stupid mistake and end up outing themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

So very arrogant...

You really shouldn't be bragging that EVERYONE you've ever dated has cheated on you, as that sounds like a YOU problem.

This ×1000
You're a little too high on your horse for someone who's been cheated on by every single person she's ever dated.
What a weird thing to be proud of.

Btw, you sound ridiculous being this sanctimonious towards those who have been cheated on, especially when (according to you) you yourself have been cheated on many, many times. Have a little empathy.

Thus, you'll have to excuse me if you're not the relationship virtuoso I'd choose to take advice from.

--

OP, I'm so very sorry you're hurting right now, I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better for you.
Please know that this too shall pass.

Also... if nothing else, please remember that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him/her.

It's not your fault, you did nothing to cause this.

In the days and weeks ahead you'll begin to analyze (and over analyze) becoming hyper focused on your entire relationship to date, in an attempt to figure out exactly how this could have happened to you.

During this time of introspection, most folks who have been cheated on will commonly construct an argument to justify your partner's actions by blaming yourself. We do this because we're naturally trying to rationalize what your partner has done and deduce some shred or semblance of logic to it.

Please do not do this.
Do not blame yourself.

Your partner is an adult.
They make their own choices.
They have free will.
If they were unhappy, they could have left the relationship before beginning a new one.
This is all on them.


Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP but being blindsided by a cheating spouse means you are completely oblivious with your head in the sand!! There’s noway in hell I could ever be blindsided because I’m too astute to my relationship and my DH. The only way he could get away with anything would be if he was meeting someone during the day M thru F briefly but zero contact after 5 when he gets home and on weekends. I’m sure your Spouse was MIA, sneaking off for phone calls or lots of others unexplained habits. My gf told me one time her DH didn’t come home cause he got a flat tire and she just laughed it off I can’t even handle that kind of oblivion.

Ha. May you be so lucky never to be deceived in such a way.

Nope. He was always at work when he said he would be. I work full-time from home. We did everything together and were still having sex regularly. Zero warning signs.

He never had overnight work trips or went out with boys. We even worked out together and often drive the kids to practices together. He threw a blowout bday party for me 2 months ago, thoughtfully planned.

They met on Fridays during his work hours. In her house. He used a burner email account something I had never heard of.

If you asked neighbors, friends, families or my children if they ever would suspect this—hell no. 22 years of what seemed a happy marriage/family.

Btw, my dad was terminally ill from cancer when he started this up and died last year. So, yeah, I guess you could say I was preoccupied. But, he was a champ watching the kids and talking to them about their beloved grandpa and helping my mom too.

So—yeah—blindsided is pretty apt.

well, yeah, that blows the other woman's theory. would you know if your husband had an hour or so in another woman's house during regular work hours? do you talk to him 24/7 while he's at work?

Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

It's not that. It's just that some people have enough going on in their own lives to watch their spouse like a potential criminal. I mean I can't be bothered to watch mine.

I could not live my life like "FBI" agent poster. I am not so naïve to say that my husband would never cheat, however, what happens in the dark will come to light. I will not sacrifice my own peace by trying to "catch" my husband cheating.

Yep and you will be one of these posting this whole “blindsided” bs.

No, not so much. I just know that I cannot control what another person does. If my husband chooses to cheat, that is on him. He will have to live with that and deal with the consequences. Being an "FBI agent" sounds like a miserable life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry I’m not buying it. And the fact you were preoccupied with your father says a lot. I’m sure there was a lot more going on than you even noticed because of this. There’s noway your DH was carrying on an affair only on Fridays!! I guarantee if I was his spouse his ass would’ve been caught a long time ago. FBI agent here and I’ve caught everyone I’ve ever dated with all kinds of spy gadgets. It’s not that hard once you get that feeling. FYI the only women that are ok with an afternoon romp are prostitutes. Just saying.

So very arrogant...

You really shouldn't be bragging that EVERYONE you've ever dated has cheated on you, as that sounds like a YOU problem.

This ×1000
You're a little too high on your horse for someone who's been cheated on by every single person she's ever dated.
What a weird thing to be proud of.

Btw, you sound ridiculous being this sanctimonious towards those who have been cheated on, especially when (according to you) you yourself have been cheated on many, many times. Have a little empathy.

Thus, you'll have to excuse me if you're not the relationship virtuoso I'd choose to take advice from.

--

OP, I'm so very sorry you're hurting right now, I wish I had a magic wand to make it all better for you.
Please know that this too shall pass.

Also... if nothing else, please remember that this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him/her.

It's not your fault, you did nothing to cause this.

In the days and weeks ahead you'll begin to analyze (and over analyze) becoming hyper focused on your entire relationship to date, in an attempt to figure out exactly how this could have happened to you.

During this time of introspection, most folks who have been cheated on will commonly construct an argument to justify your partner's actions by blaming yourself. We do this because we're naturally trying to rationalize what your partner has done and deduce some shred or semblance of logic to it.

Please do not do this.
Do not blame yourself.

Your partner is an adult.
They make their own choices.
They have free will.
If they were unhappy, they could have left the relationship before beginning a new one.
This is all on them.


Hugs to you.

Thank you. As more comes out the extent of betrayal is much worse than I thought. And speaks to his narcissism and ability to lie so frequently and with such ease. The risks he took our unfathomable.

I scrolled through our photos from the 3 years he was doing this and we all look so happy as a family. He looks happy with me. I had great times. I cannot believe he was also screwing somebody else and coming home and there is no way we would have known.

Of course it makes me question every single thing.

I would have done anything to spare my kids from divorce, but this is so huge and so big.

I can’t sleep at night. I hyperventilate.

[Anonymous]

^ my husband and I had a lot of sex those 3 years and he was having unprotected sex with someone else the entire time. It makes me sick.

I get hit in all of the time. I’m a very attractive person. I could never imagine cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A very good friend of mine for the last 35 years had her husband blindside here. He was working as an associate in big law and was telling her he was working late but was actually going to strip bars (in Philly, not here). One day she gets a phone call from a woman claiming to be a stripper that her husband had told her he loved her and now she needed money. So somehow she got my friend’s number and was calling her for phone. She wasn’t pregnant, and it was unclear what the money was for. My friend was floored. When her husband got home from work that night she confronted him and he said yes, I’m in love with a stripper. I am not sure who I love more so I would like to date both of you to decide.

She told him to go F himself, threw her dogs and a suitcase into her car and drove back down to the DMV to her parents house. They didn’t have kids but they had been college sweethearts and she had put him through law school with her teachers salary. They got divorced, but not before my law firm and his had to close a huge deal together and I was forced to spend a week in a conference room with him, 14 hour days and he knew that I knew.

My friend met a new man a few years after her divorce, they got married and now she’s living happily ever after with him and their kids.

Lol did you friend get remarried and have kids at age 54?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He claims he does not want a divorce. He wants to be a good husband and father. He hates himself. He also claims he went there to end it. Won’t give any details. He wants me to talk to his therapist with him.

I think I’m done. This is too big and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Thankfully I have a good career/income myself.

Please please please go read chumplady.com it will save your sanity

yes chumplady but listen... 2 can play this game.

Pretend you are going to "work it out" and "want to go to therapy"

Have him call AP and break up on speaker phone.

Let him go through the whole break up and a few months in just end it, turn the knife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He claims he does not want a divorce. He wants to be a good husband and father. He hates himself. He also claims he went there to end it. Won’t give any details. He wants me to talk to his therapist with him.

I think I’m done. This is too big and I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

Thankfully I have a good career/income myself.

Please please please go read chumplady.com it will save your sanity

yes chumplady but listen... 2 can play this game.

Pretend you are going to "work it out" and "want to go to therapy"

Have him call AP and break up on speaker phone.

Let him go through the whole break up and a few months in just end it, turn the knife.

+1 but talk him into a vasectomy in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

^ I did talk him into vasectomy

I made him tell his mom who was married to his alcoholic continually cheating father who she finally divorced. He confronted her and asked questions and why they weren’t put in therapy as kids.

He started seeing a therapist on his own accord 3-4 months ago for anger issues but then his affair cane out and he talked to therapist about it

He’s now seeing therapist 3x per week and will start alcohol program too since he started drinking the last few months

He has many issues. He has fooled everyone in his life—friends, family, etc. Nobody knew he was like this.

I have seen there will be no trust of anything he ever says because he can lie so well

I still haven’t contacted anyone since I found out Saturday because I’m reeling, in shock, don’t want stuff getting to my kids

He says he won’t fight me on anything. Give me whatever I want. He’s trying to hang onto marriage.

He definitely is a borderline personality or something.

He had 2 separate psych Evals this week. Both separately came to same conclusion : scored high on narcissism scale (but not clinical) and depression

They recommend no medication for now so he can feel pain process emotion

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure who to talk to professionally about this. I’ve never had therapy or known anyone going.

I’m so upset and sick and haven’t slept so I can’t function to find one.

I’m working and have my boys- 12/14 who I am having to pretend dads on work trip. He does work in an area it could be believable