If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous
100% of your anger should be directed at your cheating spouse. They are the one who took vows with you, lied to you, spent time with someone else. A third party cannot come into a strong, healthy marriage and break it up.

This is wrong in so many levels. The implication that people in strong marriages don’t cheat is false - many people cheat because they can, even though they love their spouse and want to stay married. More importantly, I could be 100% angry at my spouse AND the other person, who jacks character and morals. They didn’t take vows with me, but their is a human code that moral people observe.

+100

I reserve the right to get mad at anyone. Someone banging my spouse AND my spouse seem like likely targets.

You bang someone’s spouse. Of course, they are going to be angry. Duh.

you’re wrong from the first statement
+100??? somehow you think you’re more than just one person, maybe want to say 100% agree

your spouse reserves the right to bang whoever s/h wants and not care about you, no one is forcing them, they willingly get on with the banging
you may get angry only if someone is forcing them otherwise just pack with things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

I worked in a hospital several years ago. One of the nurses went aggressively after a guy who was in a prestigious radiology fellowship. He was married with kids and his wife had supported him all through med school and residency, but he chose to break his vows. The nurse got pregnant and became wife #2. She’s popped out 2 more kids and is enjoying the good life now.

I know of similar cases, especially with medical doctors, but in one case there were no kids at least and they are still friendly, in another one he was already at wife #2 … the first marriage was quite strong but got together in med school and probably there was some fomo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
From two different PPs above:

"From what he told me, his marriage was less catastrophic than mine but I still believe it was bad."

"It became obvious over time that he was missing something. He loved to talk with me and I don’t see how someone in a great marriage would be down for talking to a random woman ad nauseam."

I hope both of them can step back and see how hard they rationalized their dealings with married men who were looking to cheat on wives. Neither of these PPs can possibly truly know if those marriages were "bad" -- they were believing things told to them by men who may indeed have wanted affection and attention but whose end goal included sex at some point.

Interestingly, both those posts get very vague when it comes to the endings, and don't say outright, "We were full-on APs who had sex." I think one of those PPs indicates it was all sexting but it's not truly clear. Even if neither of them ever slept with these men, the way they're trying to justify or explain how they got sucked in is sad, especially since they're still doing it right now, today. "The marriage must be bad/sexless/she's not a bad person but won't go to counseling with him" stuff may all be true--but that doesn't justify your coming into that relationship even if it's only to be his sounding board and let him vent. And yes, despite the usual DCUM "it's only sex, nothing to do with the marriage itself" posters, an AP, or even "just" a sexting partner, is inserting herself or himself into the married person's relationship, even if the spouse never finds out.

Just be honest with yourselves and see that your belief that "he was missing something" and "I believe it was bad" is based 100 percent on what was told you by an unreliable narrator with an agenda to get something from you.

it has nothing to do with rationalizing, maybe just trying to understand, find explanations, and talking online with someone and having some type of attachment is not cheating, it’s similar to therapy, just leave them alone, you’re not in their shoes, do not judge

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous
100% of your anger should be directed at your cheating spouse. They are the one who took vows with you, lied to you, spent time with someone else. A third party cannot come into a strong, healthy marriage and break it up.

This is wrong in so many levels. The implication that people in strong marriages don’t cheat is false - many people cheat because they can, even though they love their spouse and want to stay married. More importantly, I could be 100% angry at my spouse AND the other person, who jacks character and morals. They didn’t take vows with me, but their is a human code that moral people observe.

+100

I reserve the right to get mad at anyone. Someone banging my spouse AND my spouse seem like likely targets.

You bang someone’s spouse. Of course, they are going to be angry. Duh.

you’re wrong from the first statement
+100??? somehow you think you’re more than just one person, maybe want to say 100% agree

your spouse reserves the right to bang whoever s/h wants and not care about you, no one is forcing them, they willingly get on with the banging
you may get angry only if someone is forcing them otherwise just pack with things

I guess you miss the “AND”. Most people are angry at the whole lot when discovered. Both parties get some hate, most certainly their spouse gets the brunt of if. But it is so gdamn naive to believe a betrayed spouse won’t have intensely negative feelings for the co-cheater as well. I mean—ever watch Dateline?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

Before I found out I had been cheated on by my now ex-husband, cheating just wasn’t in my orbit. I didn’t think about it, or worry about it, and I had never cheated and never had been cheated on previously (to my knowledge). Being cheated on completely destroyed my ability to trust and also destroyed my faith in marriage.

I was single for a few years after marriage and had a very short “affair” with a married man - it was really just a fling. A very broken part of me was validated in this, that I could assist in the destruction of a marriage and that indeed married men can’t be trusted to be faithful. I spoke with the guy about six months after we’d split, and he’d just been kicked out of his house for cheating (with someone else). He was a chronic cheater.

I felt very bad for his spouse, who seemed great by his account. He was a Peter Pan type and seemed like someone who’d be a terrible husband. They had two teen girls and I felt sad for them, too. At no point did I ever want to have an actual relationship with him.

I still feel a lot of guilt for doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

Before I found out I had been cheated on by my now ex-husband, cheating just wasn’t in my orbit. I didn’t think about it, or worry about it, and I had never cheated and never had been cheated on previously (to my knowledge). Being cheated on completely destroyed my ability to trust and also destroyed my faith in marriage.

I was single for a few years after marriage and had a very short “affair” with a married man - it was really just a fling. A very broken part of me was validated in this, that I could assist in the destruction of a marriage and that indeed married men can’t be trusted to be faithful. I spoke with the guy about six months after we’d split, and he’d just been kicked out of his house for cheating (with someone else). He was a chronic cheater.

I felt very bad for his spouse, who seemed great by his account. He was a Peter Pan type and seemed like someone who’d be a terrible husband. They had two teen girls and I felt sad for them, too. At no point did I ever want to have an actual relationship with him.

I still feel a lot of guilt for doing that.

My God this is unhealthy… why??? Just why???

[Anonymous]

I had an ex husband who cheated on me. He was mentally unwell, bipolar and we did not have sex for 5 years. He was either depressed or manic, and it was not attractive at all, not to mention crazy. I was trying my best to look after our baby/young daughter during those years. Same situation as the above poster.

After being separated for two years, i finally went online and met someone that pursued me. He was much younger, and I made fun of him for being a beefcake. His pic was of his six pack and it was so cheesy. I never wanted to meet up with him.

We became fast friends, and had so much in common. I trusted him enough to treat me well after not being sexual in a long time. Our one night stand lasted five years. He was married even though I met him online, thinking he was single. I don’t regret it. He is a kindred soul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex husband who cheated on me. He was mentally unwell, bipolar and we did not have sex for 5 years. He was either depressed or manic, and it was not attractive at all, not to mention crazy. I was trying my best to look after our baby/young daughter during those years. Same situation as the above poster.

After being separated for two years, i finally went online and met someone that pursued me. He was much younger, and I made fun of him for being a beefcake. His pic was of his six pack and it was so cheesy. I never wanted to meet up with him.

We became fast friends, and had so much in common. I trusted him enough to treat me well after not being sexual in a long time. Our one night stand lasted five years. He was married even though I met him online, thinking he was single. I don’t regret it. He is a kindred soul.

Gahh the rationalizing… kindred souls??? Girl. You learned all the wrong lessons from your bad experience. How sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex husband who cheated on me. He was mentally unwell, bipolar and we did not have sex for 5 years. He was either depressed or manic, and it was not attractive at all, not to mention crazy. I was trying my best to look after our baby/young daughter during those years. Same situation as the above poster.

After being separated for two years, i finally went online and met someone that pursued me. He was much younger, and I made fun of him for being a beefcake. His pic was of his six pack and it was so cheesy. I never wanted to meet up with him.

We became fast friends, and had so much in common. I trusted him enough to treat me well after not being sexual in a long time. Our one night stand lasted five years. He was married even though I met him online, thinking he was single. I don’t regret it. He is a kindred soul.

Confused. You were separated, for quite a while, at the time you went online to find a man. OK, fair enough.

You thought Mr. Sixpack was single when you met online. Got it. But did he tell you he was single or did you assume it?

And your "one night stand lasted five years." This is where I"m really not clear -- did you think the whole five years that he was single? And only found out at the end or afterward? Or did you know early on that he was married, and you...shrugged and said that was fine? Didn't care that he had lied 0lied about being married (or you'd wrongly assumed it)? I'ml not sure how you got from "met him online, thinking he was single" when you began, to five years together with a married man. And why that didn't affect your relationship at all. Because you're kinded souls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

Before I found out I had been cheated on by my now ex-husband, cheating just wasn’t in my orbit. I didn’t think about it, or worry about it, and I had never cheated and never had been cheated on previously (to my knowledge). Being cheated on completely destroyed my ability to trust and also destroyed my faith in marriage.

I was single for a few years after marriage and had a very short “affair” with a married man - it was really just a fling. A very broken part of me was validated in this, that I could assist in the destruction of a marriage and that indeed married men can’t be trusted to be faithful. I spoke with the guy about six months after we’d split, and he’d just been kicked out of his house for cheating (with someone else). He was a chronic cheater.

I felt very bad for his spouse, who seemed great by his account. He was a Peter Pan type and seemed like someone who’d be a terrible husband. They had two teen girls and I felt sad for them, too. At no point did I ever want to have an actual relationship with him.

I still feel a lot of guilt for doing that.

My God this is unhealthy… why??? Just why???

Did you read the rest of the post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex husband who cheated on me. He was mentally unwell, bipolar and we did not have sex for 5 years. He was either depressed or manic, and it was not attractive at all, not to mention crazy. I was trying my best to look after our baby/young daughter during those years. Same situation as the above poster.

After being separated for two years, i finally went online and met someone that pursued me. He was much younger, and I made fun of him for being a beefcake. His pic was of his six pack and it was so cheesy. I never wanted to meet up with him.

We became fast friends, and had so much in common. I trusted him enough to treat me well after not being sexual in a long time. Our one night stand lasted five years. He was married even though I met him online, thinking he was single. I don’t regret it. He is a kindred soul.

Gahh the rationalizing… kindred souls??? Girl. You learned all the wrong lessons from your bad experience. How sad.

Says someone who has never been in the same situation. He was kind, caring, and he brought my mojo back. He wanted intimacy and affection, which was missing in his marriage. And he was so f@cling hot. The last thing I wanted was a relationship.

For you married folks, there are a lot of married people online. And FYI, I never put in my profile: looking for a married person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

Before I found out I had been cheated on by my now ex-husband, cheating just wasn’t in my orbit. I didn’t think about it, or worry about it, and I had never cheated and never had been cheated on previously (to my knowledge). Being cheated on completely destroyed my ability to trust and also destroyed my faith in marriage.

I was single for a few years after marriage and had a very short “affair” with a married man - it was really just a fling. A very broken part of me was validated in this, that I could assist in the destruction of a marriage and that indeed married men can’t be trusted to be faithful. I spoke with the guy about six months after we’d split, and he’d just been kicked out of his house for cheating (with someone else). He was a chronic cheater.

I felt very bad for his spouse, who seemed great by his account. He was a Peter Pan type and seemed like someone who’d be a terrible husband. They had two teen girls and I felt sad for them, too. At no point did I ever want to have an actual relationship with him.

I still feel a lot of guilt for doing that.

My God this is unhealthy… why??? Just why???

DP. No need to bash this particular PP, who seems to feel real remorse and guilt, and who also is now self-aware enough to realize that her affair was about "a very broken part" of herself (her words) trying to validate that ALL married men are cheaters -- like her husband was. She now has the grace and sense to understand what she did and why, and to feel guilt for the pain she knows she caused his spouse and children. She is MILES above the PPs on this thread who have no capacity for any self-awareness or remorse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex husband who cheated on me. He was mentally unwell, bipolar and we did not have sex for 5 years. He was either depressed or manic, and it was not attractive at all, not to mention crazy. I was trying my best to look after our baby/young daughter during those years. Same situation as the above poster.

After being separated for two years, i finally went online and met someone that pursued me. He was much younger, and I made fun of him for being a beefcake. His pic was of his six pack and it was so cheesy. I never wanted to meet up with him.

We became fast friends, and had so much in common. I trusted him enough to treat me well after not being sexual in a long time. Our one night stand lasted five years. He was married even though I met him online, thinking he was single. I don’t regret it. He is a kindred soul.

Gahh the rationalizing… kindred souls??? Girl. You learned all the wrong lessons from your bad experience. How sad.

Says someone who has never been in the same situation. He was kind, caring, and he brought my mojo back. He wanted intimacy and affection, which was missing in his marriage. And he was so f@cling hot. The last thing I wanted was a relationship.

For you married folks, there are a lot of married people online. And FYI, I never put in my profile: looking for a married person.

Actually, I HAVE been in almost the exact same situation and I did not fool myself into thinking that any of it was “real.” Was his “kindness” real? Maybe, but probably he was trying to be as appealing as possible. Was his marriage bad? Maybe, but I’ll never know. My feelings for this person, which are real, don’t justify the harm we did to his wife, which is also real, even if she doesn’t know. We took away this person’s agency in her most important relationship. None of this kindred soul nonsense. Get some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

Before I found out I had been cheated on by my now ex-husband, cheating just wasn’t in my orbit. I didn’t think about it, or worry about it, and I had never cheated and never had been cheated on previously (to my knowledge). Being cheated on completely destroyed my ability to trust and also destroyed my faith in marriage.

I was single for a few years after marriage and had a very short “affair” with a married man - it was really just a fling. A very broken part of me was validated in this, that I could assist in the destruction of a marriage and that indeed married men can’t be trusted to be faithful. I spoke with the guy about six months after we’d split, and he’d just been kicked out of his house for cheating (with someone else). He was a chronic cheater.

I felt very bad for his spouse, who seemed great by his account. He was a Peter Pan type and seemed like someone who’d be a terrible husband. They had two teen girls and I felt sad for them, too. At no point did I ever want to have an actual relationship with him.

I still feel a lot of guilt for doing that.

My God this is unhealthy… why??? Just why???

DP. No need to bash this particular PP, who seems to feel real remorse and guilt, and who also is now self-aware enough to realize that her affair was about "a very broken part" of herself (her words) trying to validate that ALL married men are cheaters -- like her husband was. She now has the grace and sense to understand what she did and why, and to feel guilt for the pain she knows she caused his spouse and children. She is MILES above the PPs on this thread who have no capacity for any self-awareness or remorse.

No judgement to the pp… it’s just deeply disturbing to me how we can feel such awful pain and turn around and inflict it on someone else. It’s very human if nothing else. It’s so sad and I am so curious how she got from point a to point b or if she even knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex husband who cheated on me. He was mentally unwell, bipolar and we did not have sex for 5 years. He was either depressed or manic, and it was not attractive at all, not to mention crazy. I was trying my best to look after our baby/young daughter during those years. Same situation as the above poster.

After being separated for two years, i finally went online and met someone that pursued me. He was much younger, and I made fun of him for being a beefcake. His pic was of his six pack and it was so cheesy. I never wanted to meet up with him.

We became fast friends, and had so much in common. I trusted him enough to treat me well after not being sexual in a long time. Our one night stand lasted five years. He was married even though I met him online, thinking he was single. I don’t regret it. He is a kindred soul.

Gahh the rationalizing… kindred souls??? Girl. You learned all the wrong lessons from your bad experience. How sad.

Says someone who has never been in the same situation. He was kind, caring, and he brought my mojo back. He wanted intimacy and affection, which was missing in his marriage. And he was so f@cling hot. The last thing I wanted was a relationship.

For you married folks, there are a lot of married people online. And FYI, I never put in my profile: looking for a married person.

DP. If you were kindred souls and he cared about you so much, why did he not divorce to be with you? Asking seriously. You invested five years in each other. Why did it not end up with you together, if you truly were kindred, and you gave him "intimacy and affection" he never got at home? He was staying for the kids or finances? Why did you eventually break up if, again, you had five years invested and you were supposed soulmates?