If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel bad for the spouse (and/or kids)? How did you reconcile entering someone else’s family like that.

Did you wish he/she would divorce or die so in your mind you could end up with them?

I’ve heard some really awful things from OW so just wondering anonymously what let you cross that line?

I got hit in a lot by married co-workers and others and my mind always went to their wife. I never wanted to do that to another woman, even ones I didn’t know. If things got heated, I’d distance and put up a wall. Things just don’t happen….

You are a decent human with a working moral compass, then, OP.

Sadly there are plenty of men and women with no morals, who never give a single thought to the spouses of their married affair partners, or to their own spouses if they're married themselves.

Not sure, though, where you're hearing "really awful things from OWs." I hope you mean in places like these forums, and not in your real life. Because if real-life friends or acquaintances of mine were OW in affairs, well, I wouldn't be around them long enough to hear their "awful things" about the person they are harming. I'd drop them. Though I'll add, they likely get all their information about the awful wife from the men who bang them; those men have a keen interest in ensuring the wife looks bad to the mistress.

[Anonymous]

100% of your anger should be directed at your cheating spouse. They are the one who took vows with you, lied to you, spent time with someone else. A third party cannot come into a strong, healthy marriage and break it up.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, I think most don’t thing of the AP’s spouse and kids at all. Other than as obstacles to overcome. Many do have those awful thoughts about the spouse, but I doubt many will say that out loud. Spouse has a target on their back and some person obsessing/comparing and they don’t even know this other person exists. It’s really sick when you think of it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% of your anger should be directed at your cheating spouse. They are the one who took vows with you, lied to you, spent time with someone else. A third party cannot come into a strong, healthy marriage and break it up.

People should have empathy for others. Like OP, I would never have sex - much less a pseudo-relationship with another woman’s spouse. It’s just something I was raised not to do.

[Anonymous]

Raquel Leviss (OW in VDP scandal) is getting death threats from strangers. That is how strongly the general public feels hate for OW. Tom Sandoval is also getting raked through the coals.

[Anonymous]

1. No kids, so no feelings there.
2. Did not feel bad for the spouse. The person was known to have multiple affairs, including in his prior marriage, so the spouse should have known there will be more.
3. No bad wishes for the spouse - it was never my intention to “steal” him or have anything permanent with him, so I was not interested in him getting a divorce or worse.

[Anonymous]

I think single women often don’t grasp the depth of what it means and how it affects people when men do this.

[Anonymous]

It’s not that it’s the other woman’s “fault” or even her problem, but I agree that it’s gross and I don’t think I would ever do it.

I imagine that one thing that happens is if you’re married and about to step out secretly, you’ve done some mental gymnastics to justify that in your head. So if your potential affair partner is also married and parrots some of that justification, one might be able to just include the other person in the whole situation.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t feel bad for the spouse. He had likely shown his true colors previously. He was successful on Wall Street and very few of those men have any morals or decency. He was sexually deviant and his wife had to know it. Living their fancy lifestyle wasn’t free.

It was great sex though!

[Anonymous]

Did not feel bad for their spouse, if the marriage was great then their partner wouldn’t be having an affair.

[Anonymous]

When I was in high school and college, there were people who would go after people who had girlfriends/boyfriends and people who would not. My guess is that the adults who are willing to do this are the same ones who had no qualms about it when they were younger. Stripes don’t change and all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did not feel bad for their spouse, if the marriage was great then their partner wouldn’t be having an affair.

This. My AP said he had a wonderful loving marriage. I don’t really buy it. He spent an inordinate amount of time talking and texting with me. If anything he was at least lonely. Unless he was texting me while spending time with his wife and I doubt it.

I think a lot of women like to believe that they had a perfect marriage and he strayed only for the sex. I’m not so sure about this unless the man is a sociopath. Some people are.

My own DH cheated on me during a rough phase of marriage. Looking back it makes sense and I don’t blame him. He wanted love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did not feel bad for their spouse, if the marriage was great then their partner wouldn’t be having an affair.

I've had the same question as OP, and these answers are illuminating. APs are just mean and don't care about other people they might be hurting.

FWIW I do think that APs get more hate than they deserve, I'm just not of the "only the one who made vows is to blame" persuasion.

[Anonymous]

Affairs are a form of stealing. Do you think thieves feel bad when they steal? I don't.