If you had an affair with a married person
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Anonymous
Hey Dummy, both of those posters by OW said he didn’t love them. That’s what I’m referring to. They say it in their posts. To the other point, so untrue. What’s more true if you truly no cheating men setting up no-strings is to say anything to get boned. |
Anonymous
| ^ know |
Anonymous
| In this situation, he’s clearly not in love with the AP. He using her to feed his ego. It’s pathetic that she remains party to this. |
Anonymous
Yes. She says: “What I can’t figure out is he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat” Ummm…that’s pretty damn blunt. She’s hanging around thinking she can change his mind and he’s living having that control and the validation/boost it gives him. |
Anonymous
It’s what she, herself said, idiot. |
Anonymous
Better than all these questions is to figure out why you stick around for the limited part of his life he shares. Why don’t you believe that you deserve a full partner? Why are you willing to live in the shadows? Why don’t you feel guilty for being complicit in hurting other people? Why do you need validation from him? You sound so, so broken. Please get in therapy and learn to value yourself, set boundaries and develop empathy. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this. And thank you to everyone who replied. I did actually ask him once, why don’t you talk to your wife about this, and he said they were both so tired at the end of the day, that they rarely talk. I realize he is a broken man and I am living my life pinning for someone who is never capable of loving me or giving me what I need. Courage to change is what I lack. The whole thing has taken a toll on my mental health and yes, I know it’s my fault too. |
Anonymous
Long marriages have phases. There are some hard years. This man had terribly poor coping skills and could have turned to his wife who might now have even had the time to realize he felt this way since she was likely the default carrying the heavy childcare load/logistics in addition to her own job- most likely. You said that he said he 'loved her and didn't want to cheat'. START THERE. What you are both doing is so unfair to the wife who will likely be blind-sided by this treachery/deceit and now has to feel violated by the health risk. Stop messing around with men that are married, and this guy told you where you stand already: he's not leaving his wife. So many of these men in therapy say that they wish their wife were the one they were having these conversations with and intimacy. They are stuck and resort to escapism and behavior learned in childhood. You likely have many childhood wounds yourself for choosing to participate in something like this that serves you zero purpose and is wasting years of your life when you could be with someone that put you as their first priority. You could have a family of your own instead of trying to force yourself into another one with step-kids that would hate you. |
Anonymous
I'm the PP to whom you're replying. I can't recall from earlier posts if you're in therapy but if not, please get into it ASAP. And you did not answer whether you see him at your work, or socialize with him and his wife or have the same social circle or share some activity or organization where you see him in person - or if the contact is only text/phone/email. I think you know you need to go cold turkey and cut contact entirely but you maybe fear you will feel lonely and miss him. Yes, you will feel lonely and miss him. That is not fatal and will pass but it will take longer to pass, the longer you wait to break from him. You also are killing your soul continuing to let him suck you dry as his "advice wife" fulfilling part of his actual wife's responsbility. The "we're too tired" excuse gets no sympathy; that's life, and don't YOU get tired too? Yet he expects you always to have energy, time and availabilty to advise and empathize and share his life. See it for the using that it is. I'm not trying to say, "Learn to hate him!" because you won't; you don't; you can't. But you can find courage. You can fake courage until you actually feel it, OP; it can be done. But you need to quit him and that means a new job if you interact at work, a new town if you cannot avoid seeing him around; new social circle if you're in the same one as him. If none of the above applies, 100 percent ghosting (OK, go ahead and deliver one last "I cannot be your crutch any longer and this is not a friendship" message with NO expectation on your part of seeing any reply because...ghosting). If all of the above applies, still 100 percent ghosting. I think you'll say it sounds cruel just to cut all contact but do you know the expression "Cruel to be kind"? Be cruel momentarily and harshly in order to be kind -- to yourself. PLEASE have something else lined up for the day you ghost him. I would do it, then immediately leave on a trip way, way out of town. Preferably with a good friend who (a) knows what's up and (b) will refuse entirely to engage in any discussion of him, your affair, your friendship with him, anything. Total distraction and distance, especially physical distance. I also realize it's easy for a stranger to say "Just move towns and jobs!" It may not be doable, I get that. But you are truly enmeshed and being used every single day, even if he's a great guy in other ways. Let his wife be his wife and regain the energy and love he is sucking away every day with his needy pleas for your time and mental effort. I hope you'll post soon that you are out of town for a long trip and clearly broke with him before you left, and have specific plans the instant you return to join a new organization, volunteer at something that's meaningful to you, start a hobby you've wanted to do, or look into a move. |
Anonymous
Bingo. |
Anonymous
Ok pp, as someone who has actually had to go through this, you don’t actually need any courage here. Compose a goodbye message, send it, and block him. You know what, you can even leave the door open on talking to him again, just tell him that you need some space for awhile to figure things out. Give yourself a date, like 3 or 4 weeks maybe, to consider messaging him again. The first day will be really hard, but when you open up your messages it will seem silly to go back to him right away. The next day will be hard but less hard. Slowly you will realize that you are doing the right thing and you won’t be willing to unblock him without a reason. And then you’ll finally start getting out of the fog that you are in and realize that your dumb little convos with him have a real cost to his family and are not worth it to you. That you can be a decent person who did a bad thing and feel remorseful and not do it again. |
Anonymous
The bold is questionable advice, to me, as someone else who has BTDT re: contact (though not with an AP, in another relationship). Some people would feel they'd achieved some real change by blocking while beneath that, they're basically counting down the days until their arbitrary, self-imposed "need some space" period ends and the calendar says it's The Day To Consider Messaging Him Again. True, some people will reach that date and feel empowered enough at last to decide, "I don't need to message him today...or ever." But other people will only use that cooling-off, blocked period as a waiting room. Having that freedom of "On day X, I can consider messaging him" isn't something that everyone's ready to handle by answering "No." And regarding this one poster above, who has had a long friendship with her AP, then a sexual affair, and now she's his constant sounding board and "friend"--I don't get the impression she is really going to be able to let that deadine day go past without thinking, "I CAN be just friends with him after all, it's fine to message him now." |
Anonymous
Pp you are responding to. This is a really good point and you may be right. I am just hoping that some distance, any distance, would help this woman clear the affair fog. For me I pretended that I needed something like a month or two to clear my head. Then I thought… no, a year is better. Now ever speaking to this man again seems completely insane and immoral and what the hell was I thinking. But I do not have as deep a relationship as pp, although the feelings were definitely real and I can very much relate to that. |