If you had an affair with a married person

[Anonymous]

I’m the above poster. This affair has gone on for 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

OP I understand your attachment but you are giving your best energy to someone who cannot be there for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I’m not going to involve his fat old wife. I need to leave him.

You are a very nasty person. Banging a married man and making fun of his wife.

True definition of a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I’m not going to involve his fat old wife. I need to leave him.

Grow a set of balls. Nobody is holding you hostage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the above poster. This affair has gone on for 5 years.

He's not leaving his wife. He's keeping you on the line to fill his narcissistic needs. You aren't even having sex and your life is on hold. It's a complete waste of time.

What are you going to do--go into fully bunny burner mode and out him to his wife, force his hand?

Interesting you use the word narcissist. I have wondered if that’s what he is. The way the sex ended but the emotions stayed was strange

It’s not strange. He wants to know he either has you as an option or that no one else does even if he isn’t making himself available sexually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off. Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him. He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good. I know you love him, I loved mine too. But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you. You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on. You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family. He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife. Move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the above poster. This affair has gone on for 5 years.

He's not leaving his wife. He's keeping you on the line to fill his narcissistic needs. You aren't even having sex and your life is on hold. It's a complete waste of time.

What are you going to do--go into fully bunny burner mode and out him to his wife, force his hand?

Interesting you use the word narcissist. I have wondered if that’s what he is. The way the sex ended but the emotions stayed was strange

It’s not strange. He wants to know he either has you as an option or that no one else does even if he isn’t making himself available sexually.

And not strange because the emotions aren’t really there. It’s just an ego stroke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't feel bad for the spouse. Not sure what entering someones family that way means.
Wish no harm on anyone.
Not looking for AP to divorce.
Sometimes its just sex and someone to tell you how amazing you are.
Also, Men who say they are in sexless marriages are lying.

But women who say this are telling the truth??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

Time for an ultimatum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off. Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him. He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good. I know you love him, I loved mine too. But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you. You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on. You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family. He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife. Move on.

Thank you for a kind response. We have been in each others lives for a very long time. There was friendship well before the affair. It’s hard to walk away but knowing that it won’t ever be what I want it to be, is devastating.

Why doesn’t he spend his time talking to his wife? Why does he spend hours and hours every day looking for my advice? Sharing with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off. Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him. He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good. I know you love him, I loved mine too. But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you. You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on. You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family. He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife. Move on.

Amen. I don’t like what this poster^ was part of one bit. Not all and I seriously hope she never does this again to another woman’s marriage/family or cheats on her own, but she is spot on:

He loves his wife and he loves having you pine over him and flatter him (but does not love U). It’s a huge ego boost, just the external validation he needs. He doesn’t truly care, he’s told her as much but it’s falling on her deaf ears. He got his fill of sex from you, dabbled outside but no longer has that curiosity or need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the above poster. This affair has gone on for 5 years.

He's not leaving his wife. He's keeping you on the line to fill his narcissistic needs. You aren't even having sex and your life is on hold. It's a complete waste of time.

What are you going to do--go into fully bunny burner mode and out him to his wife, force his hand?

Interesting you use the word narcissist. I have wondered if that’s what he is. The way the sex ended but the emotions stayed was strange

It’s not strange. He wants to know he either has you as an option or that no one else does even if he isn’t making himself available sexually.

And not strange because the emotions aren’t really there. It’s just an ego stroke.

+1. You are blowing smoke in his @ss and he is eating it up. I’ve seen men like this that always need a group of platonic women to tell them they are wonderful—no matter how much they are getting it at home. It’s an attachment issue/unmet need from childhood. Mine definitely had issues with his mom. Felt neglected and abandoned after his parents divorced. His mom wasn’t there emotionally and didn’t come to his events, etc. It was a deep buried wound- and when life gets busy with kids and work and their wives are taxed, they feel that same wound flare-up and neglect but can’t communicate or address it in a healthy to their spouse…cue the OW whose job and time is 100% for him and will drop anything the moment he beckons. So many will say they would wish it were the wife that was the one giving them this attention (unrealistic and one-sided with kids to take care of, a job and basically the default parent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off. Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him. He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good. I know you love him, I loved mine too. But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you. You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on. You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family. He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife. Move on.

Thank you for a kind response. We have been in each others lives for a very long time. There was friendship well before the affair. It’s hard to walk away but knowing that it won’t ever be what I want it to be, is devastating.

Why doesn’t he spend his time talking to his wife? Why does he spend hours and hours every day looking for my advice? Sharing with me?

Pp you are responding to.

The answer is: Because he is fundamentally a broken person, and he has also broken his marriage and probably all his other important relationships too. These are all his problems, not yours. He won’t do the right thing for anyone in his life, including you, because he never has up until this point. He has also rationalized all of his selfish behavior and he always will.

He wants the stability and history he has with his wife and the emotional intimacy he has with you. You will never get the answers you need from him and he will never change. It is time for you to extricate yourself from this needless drama that is, by the way, partly your own creation. The devastation that you are feeling is the consequence of your actions, unfortunately. You have to fully accept that and do the right thing and let time work its magic and heal you. One day you will wake up and wonder how the hell you did something so messed up and feel very sorry for his wife and kids. That will be another sign that you are actually healing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off. Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him. He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good. I know you love him, I loved mine too. But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you. You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on. You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family. He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife. Move on.

Thank you for a kind response. We have been in each others lives for a very long time. There was friendship well before the affair. It’s hard to walk away but knowing that it won’t ever be what I want it to be, is devastating.

Why doesn’t he spend his time talking to his wife? Why does he spend hours and hours every day looking for my advice? Sharing with me?

DP asking seriously and not with judgement: Have you asked him these EXACT questions, PP?

Better yet, you have here nearly a script for yourself, to use when you cut contact with him. Just adjust it a little: "You should spend time talking to your wife. You spend hours and hours every day looking for MY advice. Sharing with me. Seek her advice. Share with her. I am no longer your affair partner and can no longer be your friend--or your emotional crutch." That's what he's made you, rather than gracefully bowing out of the affair. He's probably claiming "friendship" but what friend would do this to you, PP?

Then, please, for your own sanity and ability to move forward, cut all contact. I suspect you don't want to do that because you sincerely believe you can be friends, since (as you put it) "There was friendship well before the affair." I'm wagering you believe sincerely you can just return to being friends, and you want to be supportive. But no true "friend" would devastate and use you. And he's doing both, whether he thinks he does it wittingly or not. Please don't wake up one day and realize you gave all your emotional effort, love, most of your mental real estate and YEARS of your life to someone who never would reciprocate. Move on. If you work with him, or are in the same social circles or see him in any way, I truly would leave the job, circle, area, if I were as entrenched with a needy former lover as you are.

Please save yourself from his constant need to keep you in HIS life to be his crutch and his "advice wife." That's what he's made you. A wife without the sex, commitment or future together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t feel bad for the spouse or the children who are teen and college aged. What I can’t figure out is, he says he loves his wife and doesn’t want to cheat, ended our sexual relationship but continues to contact me about his daily life, work, hobbies all the time. Multiple times a day. First thing in the morning. Last thing in the evening. I wish he’d just leave his wife.

We have remained extremely emotionally close, despite the no romance or sex boundary. Which guts me. But I love him and would rather keep him in life as a friend than not have him at all.

I am not judging you because I have been in your shoes but it is time to cut this guy off. Yes, he’ll keep you around forever for the validation and ego boost that you give him. He knows that you are sitting there pining away for him and that feels good. I know you love him, I loved mine too. But what you are doing is wrong, for you, for him, and for his real family that doesn’t include you. You can never be a legitimate part of his life and that hurts but it’s time to move on. You’re also complicit in harming his wife and family. He’s made it clear- he chooses his wife. Move on.

Amen. I don’t like what this poster^ was part of one bit. Not all and I seriously hope she never does this again to another woman’s marriage/family or cheats on her own, but she is spot on:

He loves his wife and he loves having you pine over him and flatter him (but does not love U). It’s a huge ego boost, just the external validation he needs. He doesn’t truly care, he’s told her as much but it’s falling on her deaf ears. He got his fill of sex from you, dabbled outside but no longer has that curiosity or need.

Believe what you want — or what your DH told you — but some married men fall in love with their APs even though it started off as a sexual non-committal relationship.