What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

^so did you all end up divorcing? Ot did you just get through it and the marriage suffered and transformed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

Could you elaborate on the “it changes you and the marriage” part?

You will NEVER completely trust the cheater again and all of the time they were cheating you will write off as not “being married”. You will lose respect for someone that did that to you. Their “word” will mean nil. In the back of your head your will always doubt and feel the marriage is a fraud.

I lost respect for him. One of the traits that attracted me to him when we first met was his honesty/integrity. Ha. What a joke.

You married a dirt ball and should divorce him. Get yourself in a good position and ditch that loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's really about being able to experience the joy of sex again. Not just the orgasms but the connection, the erotic dance, the seduction, all of it.

My wife has zero - zilch, nada - interest in sex. I have talked about it, tried suggestions, even tried abstinence, but at some point, I am not going the rest of my life without it.

And why should I have to give up my home and kids? I have kept my end of the bargain, I am in good shape, I am successful, I dress well, I take my wife on dates, plan vacations, all of it.

I did not choose this, I would much rather have sex with my wife, but I am not choosing celibacy or losing my kids as an option. And neither would the people who would judge me if they were in my shoes.

As you describe it you have discussed your sexual needs at length with your wife. Have you approached your wife to inform her that due to the lack of a satisfactory marital sexual relationship, you will be going outside the marriage to fill that need?

No one expects you to go without sex/intimacy. What is expected is transparency and communication.

Oh heck no I am not going to tell my wife. She will either cry or be even more self conscious. How does that even work? Honey, I am going to be with my lover for the next two hours, need anything on my way home?

She wouldn't be surprised if she found out, I have to believe if you aren't having sex with your spouse you assume they are finding it elsewhere.

Then you need to get therapy for yourself and marital counseling for both of you. If nothing improves you need to get divorced. Living a double life is sleazy and if you have kids they will find out someday. Have some respect at least for yourself and family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^so did you all end up divorcing? Ot did you just get through it and the marriage suffered and transformed?

DP. I am convinced this transformation talk is a bunch of bs. It basically asks the betrayed spouse to repress all pain and trauma, forget what happened and trust somebody that repeatedly demonstrated they weren’t worthy of that trust. Like the pp, I tried. I had moments that seemed to get better, but over time I was hurting myself more and more because once you break my unconditional trust (and more than once), it’s never coming back and I can’t be married in that type of situation since I’ve always lived a transparent, authentic life not a charade. He was able to live that kind of dysfunctional, double life because he learned it as a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

Could you elaborate on the “it changes you and the marriage” part?

You will NEVER completely trust the cheater again and all of the time they were cheating you will write off as not “being married”. You will lose respect for someone that did that to you. Their “word” will mean nil. In the back of your head your will always doubt and feel the marriage is a fraud.

I lost respect for him. One of the traits that attracted me to him when we first met was his honesty/integrity. Ha. What a joke.

Agree. I tried. He was working double time on himself and the marriage and with the kids to make up for it. The therapists all thought he was a poster board for turning around after an affair. But, the longer I hung in the more destroyed I got. It was a deal breaker for me. I always said it was. He couldn’t understand that. I was drowning afterwards the longer I stayed in a marriage with someone capable of doing that, lying/betraying/exposing me to disease living a duplicitous life. I forever mistrusted from thereon. It didn’t matter what he did, begging, therapy, chores, gifts, pleading, making meals, etc. He broke the destroyed the things most important to me —trust, self-respect, unconditional love. There was no going back.

Consequences. Most of these cheaters lived an entire life never having to face the consequences of their poor behavior. They are incredulous when they work so hard to make amends, do everything right, that sometimes that just isn’t enough. Sometimes you went too far and there is nothing you can to do to change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's really about being able to experience the joy of sex again. Not just the orgasms but the connection, the erotic dance, the seduction, all of it.

My wife has zero - zilch, nada - interest in sex. I have talked about it, tried suggestions, even tried abstinence, but at some point, I am not going the rest of my life without it.

And why should I have to give up my home and kids? I have kept my end of the bargain, I am in good shape, I am successful, I dress well, I take my wife on dates, plan vacations, all of it.

I did not choose this, I would much rather have sex with my wife, but I am not choosing celibacy or losing my kids as an option. And neither would the people who would judge me if they were in my shoes.

As you describe it you have discussed your sexual needs at length with your wife. Have you approached your wife to inform her that due to the lack of a satisfactory marital sexual relationship, you will be going outside the marriage to fill that need?

No one expects you to go without sex/intimacy. What is expected is transparency and communication.

Oh heck no I am not going to tell my wife. She will either cry or be even more self conscious. How does that even work? Honey, I am going to be with my lover for the next two hours, need anything on my way home?

She wouldn't be surprised if she found out, I have to believe if you aren't having sex with your spouse you assume they are finding it elsewhere.

You are afraid to see her cry. Yet when she finds out one day about the cheating, that moment will have been nothing compared to the trauma, tears and anger betrayal and cheating cause. That conversation, while difficult, is nothing like you will face when your cheating gets exposed to her and everyone close to you.

This. So much of men lying is fear of or desire to control how women react. Also, men presuppose how women will react to what they say, or assume that an emotional women can’t recover from being sad.

The truth is you have no idea how your wife will react. It is possible to go to her and say that you have been working for a long time to bring the level of sex and intimacy you need back into the marriage but that it doesn’t seem to be working. Tell her you don’t want to divorce but also don’t think it is a reasonable expectation that you could go without sex forever. Ask her what she sees as the solution - can you seek sex outside and under what terms? Some women would actually be relieved to know that the husband was still committed to the marriage or parenting or equal custody or whatever and would agree to an AP under certain terms. But, you are actually infantilizing her and disempowering her by taking away her power to know and to articulate what she wants.

You have assumed a false choice that you use to self-justify your lies. There are a million options between no sex and losing your children.

[Anonymous]

To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

Yeah. I had regular sex with ex. But after 20-years he wanted that and sex with a rando for variety. He did serious mental gymnastics to justify it because I have been in 3-some situation with him at other points in our marriage, getting BJs from someone else. He never directly addressed this midlife crisis with me. He knew I wouldn’t condone it, but the conversation definitely needed to be raised before going online meeting someone and having sex behind my back while still having sex with me. He wanted some new woman to fawn over him. She was Ugly and old (same age) and married so it definitely wasn’t about looks or intellectual conversations! He wished he had the conversation instead of losing his family/marriage over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

Actually, it's telling that your first thought about cheating is that it doesn't impact the logistics or finances. Your thought isn't about how spouse would feel or your kids if you had any about the cheating. You do realize that there's an emotional component to cheating as well as about trust? This post of yours says much more about you than what you were intending to convey. You are a character (and not in a good way)!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

Actually, it's telling that your first thought about cheating is that it doesn't impact the logistics or finances. Your thought isn't about how spouse would feel or your kids if you had any about the cheating. You do realize that there's an emotional component to cheating as well as about trust? This post of yours says much more about you than what you were intending to convey. You are a character (and not in a good way)!

I think you are projecting how you felt being betrayed because you had a good sex life with your husband when he cheated so it brought up a range of emotions that people in sexless marriages don't have. I am sorry for what you when t through but it's apples and oranges

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

The idea that men know how their wives will react to anything is laughable. If there’s one thing I understand as an adult women it’s that man literally understand nothing about Women. Men are constantly projecting onto women their own thoughts, fantasies, desires, norms, etc. there’s a reason why the word “Mansplaining” went viral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

I see men write this all the time, “sexual connection“. What does that actually mean? Does that mean you and your wife never have sex anymore? Does it mean you and your wife have sex (say, in the last year) but it’s not often enough for you? Does it mean you and your wife have sex but it’s not the quality that you need?

That way of describing it, “no sexual connection“. Is very fuzzy.

[Anonymous]

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

Then you are not very smart. Read threads on this forum or others by betrayed spouses, and you will get an idea of how bad it can be. Those children you use to justify your cheating because you don’t want to lose time with them? They will lose all respect for you and your relationship with them will never be the same. Ask me how I know. Then there are friends, family, coworkers, etc. Don’t kid yourself about the bomb you have lit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

Actually, it's telling that your first thought about cheating is that it doesn't impact the logistics or finances. Your thought isn't about how spouse would feel or your kids if you had any about the cheating. You do realize that there's an emotional component to cheating as well as about trust? This post of yours says much more about you than what you were intending to convey. You are a character (and not in a good way)!

I think you are projecting how you felt being betrayed because you had a good sex life with your husband when he cheated so it brought up a range of emotions that people in sexless marriages don't have. I am sorry for what you when t through but it's apples and oranges

What? I'm a married woman and there's no cheating on either side (as far as I know) and so no projection. Your post is really a telling about how you think and it's not a good look. Your first thought was divorce and how it's not a big deal because your finances aren't going to be affected if cheating is discovered. No posting about affect on your wife/kids but directly about finances in divorce. Do you have empathy for anyone besides your self? You're a narc and a piece of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PP above, men have a good idea of how their wives will react about wanting to have sex with someone else. Which is going to be "no" followed by extra suspicion.

In my case, my wife and I have zero sexual connection left, although she told me if I cheat she doesn't want to know. So I don't raise it. But like others said, I would prefer a sexual relationship with my wife. I didn't sign up for this, and the women chastising men are clueless of the pain men feel being deprived of sex and intimacy.

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

I see men write this all the time, “sexual connection“. What does that actually mean? Does that mean you and your wife never have sex anymore? Does it mean you and your wife have sex (say, in the last year) but it’s not often enough for you? Does it mean you and your wife have sex but it’s not the quality that you need?

That way of describing it, “no sexual connection“. Is very fuzzy.

You've never experienced a "sexual connection" with anybody? That's sad!