What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's really about being able to experience the joy of sex again. Not just the orgasms but the connection, the erotic dance, the seduction, all of it.

My wife has zero - zilch, nada - interest in sex. I have talked about it, tried suggestions, even tried abstinence, but at some point, I am not going the rest of my life without it.

And why should I have to give up my home and kids? I have kept my end of the bargain, I am in good shape, I am successful, I dress well, I take my wife on dates, plan vacations, all of it.

I did not choose this, I would much rather have sex with my wife, but I am not choosing celibacy or losing my kids as an option. And neither would the people who would judge me if they were in my shoes.

As you describe it you have discussed your sexual needs at length with your wife. Have you approached your wife to inform her that due to the lack of a satisfactory marital sexual relationship, you will be going outside the marriage to fill that need?

No one expects you to go without sex/intimacy. What is expected is transparency and communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Variety sex. My ex met a married woman online claiming the sane thing. Then as it went on she started the dramatics of “I’m just a slut you use for sex” blah blah and they’d have a blowout fight. Her end game was not what she advertised it to be online in which she said she didn’t want to end a marriage. His never changed. Bang a woman on the side and not get caught.

It didn’t end well for anyone. Neither of them got what they wanted and ended up way worse for the wear.

Dysfunction. Most people have some form of mental illness or affliction driving them to lie/betray, crave drama/take risks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's really about being able to experience the joy of sex again. Not just the orgasms but the connection, the erotic dance, the seduction, all of it.

My wife has zero - zilch, nada - interest in sex. I have talked about it, tried suggestions, even tried abstinence, but at some point, I am not going the rest of my life without it.

And why should I have to give up my home and kids? I have kept my end of the bargain, I am in good shape, I am successful, I dress well, I take my wife on dates, plan vacations, all of it.

I did not choose this, I would much rather have sex with my wife, but I am not choosing celibacy or losing my kids as an option. And neither would the people who would judge me if they were in my shoes.

As you describe it you have discussed your sexual needs at length with your wife. Have you approached your wife to inform her that due to the lack of a satisfactory marital sexual relationship, you will be going outside the marriage to fill that need?

No one expects you to go without sex/intimacy. What is expected is transparency and communication.

Oh heck no I am not going to tell my wife. She will either cry or be even more self conscious. How does that even work? Honey, I am going to be with my lover for the next two hours, need anything on my way home?

She wouldn't be surprised if she found out, I have to believe if you aren't having sex with your spouse you assume they are finding it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Variety sex. My ex met a married woman online claiming the sane thing. Then as it went on she started the dramatics of “I’m just a slut you use for sex” blah blah and they’d have a blowout fight. Her end game was not what she advertised it to be online in which she said she didn’t want to end a marriage. His never changed. Bang a woman on the side and not get caught.

It didn’t end well for anyone. Neither of them got what they wanted and ended up way worse for the wear.

Dysfunction. Most people have some form of mental illness or affliction driving them to lie/betray, crave drama/take risks.

Or it’s what they were taught as children by their shitty caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

Could you elaborate on the “it changes you and the marriage” part?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

When my cheater’s curtain was lifted bc I guessed and he admitted it, he told me he needed this and did not stop. It went on for 2 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Variety sex. My ex met a married woman online claiming the sane thing. Then as it went on she started the dramatics of “I’m just a slut you use for sex” blah blah and they’d have a blowout fight. Her end game was not what she advertised it to be online in which she said she didn’t want to end a marriage. His never changed. Bang a woman on the side and not get caught.

It didn’t end well for anyone. Neither of them got what they wanted and ended up way worse for the wear.

Dysfunction. Most people have some form of mental illness or affliction driving them to lie/betray, crave drama/take risks.

He told you all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Variety sex. My ex met a married woman online claiming the sane thing. Then as it went on she started the dramatics of “I’m just a slut you use for sex” blah blah and they’d have a blowout fight. Her end game was not what she advertised it to be online in which she said she didn’t want to end a marriage. His never changed. Bang a woman on the side and not get caught.

It didn’t end well for anyone. Neither of them got what they wanted and ended up way worse for the wear.

Dysfunction. Most people have some form of mental illness or affliction driving them to lie/betray, crave drama/take risks.

He told you all this?

Yep. I talked to her without him knowing and she pretty much said the same thing. She was jealous of the way he felt about me. It was a big cause if most fights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

Could you elaborate on the “it changes you and the marriage” part?

You will NEVER completely trust the cheater again and all of the time they were cheating you will write off as not “being married”. You will lose respect for someone that did that to you. Their “word” will mean nil. In the back of your head your will always doubt and feel the marriage is a fraud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it's really about being able to experience the joy of sex again. Not just the orgasms but the connection, the erotic dance, the seduction, all of it.

My wife has zero - zilch, nada - interest in sex. I have talked about it, tried suggestions, even tried abstinence, but at some point, I am not going the rest of my life without it.

And why should I have to give up my home and kids? I have kept my end of the bargain, I am in good shape, I am successful, I dress well, I take my wife on dates, plan vacations, all of it.

I did not choose this, I would much rather have sex with my wife, but I am not choosing celibacy or losing my kids as an option. And neither would the people who would judge me if they were in my shoes.

As you describe it you have discussed your sexual needs at length with your wife. Have you approached your wife to inform her that due to the lack of a satisfactory marital sexual relationship, you will be going outside the marriage to fill that need?

No one expects you to go without sex/intimacy. What is expected is transparency and communication.

Oh heck no I am not going to tell my wife. She will either cry or be even more self conscious. How does that even work? Honey, I am going to be with my lover for the next two hours, need anything on my way home?

She wouldn't be surprised if she found out, I have to believe if you aren't having sex with your spouse you assume they are finding it elsewhere.

You are afraid to see her cry. Yet when she finds out one day about the cheating, that moment will have been nothing compared to the trauma, tears and anger betrayal and cheating cause. That conversation, while difficult, is nothing like you will face when your cheating gets exposed to her and everyone close to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

Could you elaborate on the “it changes you and the marriage” part?

You will NEVER completely trust the cheater again and all of the time they were cheating you will write off as not “being married”. You will lose respect for someone that did that to you. Their “word” will mean nil. In the back of your head your will always doubt and feel the marriage is a fraud.

I lost respect for him. One of the traits that attracted me to him when we first met was his honesty/integrity. Ha. What a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t know his end game, seemed to be to never get caught.

My end game: divorce the cheater, devious liar.

Blindsided. I was having lots of sex and to find out after 23 years together he was banging someone else: traumatizing.

He begged, cried, pleaded, Alonso committed suicide, when it came out.

Too bad.

It is traumatizing! Mine also begged, cried, pleaded to stay together. I do not understand why the crying and begging? Obviously sex with me wasn’t that valuable to my DH, so why beg, cry and plead for it to continue? That’s such a confusing mixed message.

These cheaters are all about constructing a double life in which they appear like good guys to the outside world and when the curtain is drawn back, it can be quite disastrous. Mine also engaged in suicidal talk, which was another kind of attempt to manipulate me.

Because as soon as the curtain is lifted and all hell breaks loose, we realize we risked everything in life that meant the most to us for a person that ultimately meant nothing. That hit if excitement or escape from boredom midlife cost everything. When it is discovered, what we kept compartmentalized spills out into our real life and we are forced to see what we were doing wasn’t who we want to be, actions don’t align with values. Then, having to face the pain on the faces of people you love dearly is unbearable. And if you try to make it work, you can never take back what you did. It changes you and the marriage.

Could you elaborate on the “it changes you and the marriage” part?

You will NEVER completely trust the cheater again and all of the time they were cheating you will write off as not “being married”. You will lose respect for someone that did that to you. Their “word” will mean nil. In the back of your head your will always doubt and feel the marriage is a fraud.

I lost respect for him. One of the traits that attracted me to him when we first met was his honesty/integrity. Ha. What a joke.

Agree. I tried. He was working double time on himself and the marriage and with the kids to make up for it. The therapists all thought he was a poster board for turning around after an affair. But, the longer I hung in the more destroyed I got. It was a deal breaker for me. I always said it was. He couldn’t understand that. I was drowning afterwards the longer I stayed in a marriage with someone capable of doing that, lying/betraying/exposing me to disease living a duplicitous life. I forever mistrusted from thereon. It didn’t matter what he did, begging, therapy, chores, gifts, pleading, making meals, etc. He broke the destroyed the things most important to me —trust, self-respect, unconditional love. There was no going back.