What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Fortunately, cheating is neither a crime or a factor in divorce so I don't see how you are any worse off if you get caught.

Then you are not very smart. Read threads on this forum or others by betrayed spouses, and you will get an idea of how bad it can be. Those children you use to justify your cheating because you don’t want to lose time with them? They will lose all respect for you and your relationship with them will never be the same. Ask me how I know. Then there are friends, family, coworkers, etc. Don’t kid yourself about the bomb you have lit.

Two problems with your assumption.

1) Every post from betrayed wives starts with "we were having sex all the time, things were great, I was blindsided!" I have yet to read one saying "we hadn't had sex in months and admittedly I have rejected him often."

2) If you aren't having sex with your spouse, you don't have a deep connection. Yes, on paper you know it's wrong but it's wrong like standing a friend up for dinner, more of a white lie than a deep betrayal. If you don't have a deep connection (which is impossible on a sexless marriage) you aren't going to feel like there is something deep to lose.

But since you don't have this issue in your marriage, I don't expect you to understand. Just trying to show you the mindset.

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

How do you come to the conclusion that it's reasonable to cut off your spouse and insist they have no sex life with anyone else? Not following the logic here. They is some crazy emotional manipulation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

How do you come to the conclusion that it's reasonable to cut off your spouse and insist they have no sex life with anyone else? Not following the logic here. They is some crazy emotional manipulation

Like this: if I decided I wasn't going to go out for dinner ever again, my spouse can't force me, that's kidnapping. But if I said she can't go out either, ever, wouldn't your advice be to me that my position is insane and I have no right to veto my spouse from doing something totally normal and reasonable just because I have some reason I don't want to? What does my spouse have to endure a divorce and disrupt the kids because I decided to totally void my spouse from living a normal life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

How do you come to the conclusion that it's reasonable to cut off your spouse and insist they have no sex life with anyone else? Not following the logic here. They is some crazy emotional manipulation

Like this: if I decided I wasn't going to go out for dinner ever again, my spouse can't force me, that's kidnapping. But if I said she can't go out either, ever, wouldn't your advice be to me that my position is insane and I have no right to veto my spouse from doing something totally normal and reasonable just because I have some reason I don't want to? What does my spouse have to endure a divorce and disrupt the kids because I decided to totally void my spouse from living a normal life?

NP. I'm on your side but this isn't a good analogy because marriage doesn't entail a promise to never dine out with anyone else ever again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

How do you come to the conclusion that it's reasonable to cut off your spouse and insist they have no sex life with anyone else? Not following the logic here. They is some crazy emotional manipulation

Like this: if I decided I wasn't going to go out for dinner ever again, my spouse can't force me, that's kidnapping. But if I said she can't go out either, ever, wouldn't your advice be to me that my position is insane and I have no right to veto my spouse from doing something totally normal and reasonable just because I have some reason I don't want to? What does my spouse have to endure a divorce and disrupt the kids because I decided to totally void my spouse from living a normal life?

NP. I'm on your side but this isn't a good analogy because marriage doesn't entail a promise to never dine out with anyone else ever again.

What is a good analogy? Sex is some sacred bond between a married couple that is what separates them from platonic friends but also something that can be taken off the table like removing parsley from the plate because it doesn't matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

How do you come to the conclusion that it's reasonable to cut off your spouse and insist they have no sex life with anyone else? Not following the logic here. They is some crazy emotional manipulation

That's only one of the three options I pointed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

Np here. You are not married? I hope you are divorced. Unless you have actually lived in a truly sexless marriage and have kids, you have no place giving advice from your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

Np here. You are not married? I hope you are divorced. Unless you have actually lived in a truly sexless marriage and have kids, you have no place giving advice from your high horse.

PP is right. You need to get some therapy if you think cheating is ok. Yes either work it out or get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Two problems with your assumption.

1) Every post from betrayed wives starts with "we were having sex all the time, things were great, I was blindsided!" I have yet to read one saying "we hadn't had sex in months and admittedly I have rejected him often."

2) If you aren't having sex with your spouse, you don't have a deep connection. Yes, on paper you know it's wrong but it's wrong like standing a friend up for dinner, more of a white lie than a deep betrayal. If you don't have a deep connection (which is impossible on a sexless marriage) you aren't going to feel like there is something deep to lose.

But since you don't have this issue in your marriage, I don't expect you to understand. Just trying to show you the mindset.

Did you read my post? I said “ask me how I know.” So you are making a lot of major assumptions about me and my marriage. You used your time with your kids to justify your cheat. I’m telling you that when you are caught, they won’t care (or hopefully even know) if your marriage is sexless or if you and DW bang all the time. They will care that you cheated and lied and hurt their mom, etc., and that will last for years. So just get out. No one is saying stay in a sexless marriage, but you also don’t have to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Two problems with your assumption.

1) Every post from betrayed wives starts with "we were having sex all the time, things were great, I was blindsided!" I have yet to read one saying "we hadn't had sex in months and admittedly I have rejected him often."

2) If you aren't having sex with your spouse, you don't have a deep connection. Yes, on paper you know it's wrong but it's wrong like standing a friend up for dinner, more of a white lie than a deep betrayal. If you don't have a deep connection (which is impossible on a sexless marriage) you aren't going to feel like there is something deep to lose.

But since you don't have this issue in your marriage, I don't expect you to understand. Just trying to show you the mindset.

Did you read my post? I said “ask me how I know.” So you are making a lot of major assumptions about me and my marriage. You used your time with your kids to justify your cheat. I’m telling you that when you are caught, they won’t care (or hopefully even know) if your marriage is sexless or if you and DW bang all the time. They will care that you cheated and lied and hurt their mom, etc., and that will last for years. So just get out. No one is saying stay in a sexless marriage, but you also don’t have to cheat.

I know women in therapy for years to get over the pain, trauma and hurt betrayal in their long marriages has caused. It’s awful. And it’s downplayed by the people participating in affairs because they are selfish and shallow and only think of themselves. Causing that much pain to someone else and destroying trust, shredding it is beyond awful.

[Anonymous]

To these posters above, do you know any women suffering "trauma" from being cheated on in a sexless marriage? No? So again, apples to oranges

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The bottom line is that no one is entitled to sex. Not even from one’s spouse. That’s why raping your spouse is now a crime. A lot of the men here seem to think that marriage guarantees them sex. But the fact is that NOTHING gives you access to another person’s body except for their enthusiastic consent. If your spouse doesn’t want to have sex with you, you live with it, you split up, or you arrive at some other solution together. That’s how it is.

I guess the part I don't get is this: if your spouse refuses to have sex and refuses to work with you on a solution, why do they also get a say in preventing you from sleeping with others?

And what if divorce isn't so easy? I have a special needs kid who is in an expensive school for extra therapy. We would not be able to afford it if we had two houses and expenses. And who keeps the main home?

Do you see what happens in the real world?

I don't know you but I have to believe you are either very low libido where you could imagine going sexless forever being not that big of a deal or you are rich enough that dividing assets to get divorced would be easy.

I'm not married. Marriage is a choice and a privilege. You make a vow in front of your loved ones, and your god if you have one, to forsake all others. You also don't get to rape your wife in this country. So, you can work it out, go without, or divorce.
No one said it would be easy.
Cheating is the easy way out.

My vows also said till death do us part, so divorce is off the table. Probably was something about to have and to hold but I can do neither against her will. Thankfully, neither you nor the Taliban are the morality police.