Reply to What’s the end game plan for a cheating husband?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]For me, it's really about being able to experience the joy of sex again. Not just the orgasms but the connection, the erotic dance, the seduction, all of it.

My wife has zero - zilch, nada - interest in sex. I have talked about it, tried suggestions, even tried abstinence, but at some point, I am not going the rest of my life without it.

And why should I have to give up my home and kids? I have kept my end of the bargain, I am in good shape, I am successful, I dress well, I take my wife on dates, plan vacations, all of it.

I did not choose this, I would much rather have sex with my wife, but I am not choosing celibacy or losing my kids as an option. And neither would the people who would judge me if they were in my shoes.[/quote]

As you describe it you have discussed your sexual needs at length with your wife. Have you approached your wife to inform her that due to the lack of a satisfactory marital sexual relationship, you will be going outside the marriage to fill that need?

No one expects you to go without sex/intimacy.  What is expected is transparency and communication. [/quote]

Oh heck no I am not going to tell my wife. She will either cry or be even more self conscious. How does that even work? Honey, I am going to be with my lover for the next two hours, need anything on my way home?

She wouldn't be surprised if she found out, I have to believe if you aren't having sex with your spouse you assume they are finding it elsewhere. [/quote]

[b]You are afraid to see her cry.  [/b]Yet when she finds out one day about the cheating, that moment will have been nothing compared to the trauma, tears and anger betrayal and cheating cause.  That conversation, while difficult, is nothing like you will face when your cheating gets exposed to her and everyone close to you.[/quote]

This.  So much of men lying is fear of or desire to control how women react.  Also, men presuppose how women will react to what they say, or assume that an emotional women can’t recover from being sad.

The truth is you have no idea how your wife will react.  It is possible to go to her and say that you have been working for a long time to bring the level of sex and intimacy you need back into the marriage but that it doesn’t seem to be working.  Tell her you don’t want to divorce but also don’t think it is a reasonable expectation that you could go without sex forever. Ask her what she sees as the solution - can you seek sex outside and under what terms?  Some women would actually be relieved to know that the husband was still committed to the marriage or parenting or equal custody or whatever and would agree to an AP under certain terms.  But, you are actually infantilizing her and disempowering her by taking away her power to know and to articulate what she wants.

You have assumed a false choice that you use to self-justify your lies.  There are a million options between no sex and losing your children. 
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