If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

What I don't understand is that this is something you presumably should have known before you married/had kids. You don't turn into a beta from an alpha, he's always been a a beta correct? That is a huge thing so what was the initial attraction to.

I was running from a relationship with an alpha that was toxic to me, although hot sexually.

[Anonymous]

OP checking back in.

No, I have not had an affair. I'm assuming she has not either, but the more I read DCUM, the more I realize this is a possibility.

Yes, I am in IC and we will start MC soon (she has resisted until recently) but our issues aren't particularly unique to a couple married 10 yrs who both work and with a young child.

Again, I didn't ask for advice or for an analysis of my situation. Some of those post have been helpful, some less so.

The point of the thread was to hear from other spouses who, for one reason or another, no longer find themselves sexually attracted to their spouses. There have been several very good posts to that effect.

Of course there have also been many negative attacks but I just chalk that up to what happens on virtually any post on a public internet forum, especially DCUM, and ignore them.

I do find it interesting that, while I requested input from both men and women, it has been exclusively women who have described how they have lost sexual attraction for their spouses. I'm curious why there have been no men describing a similar situation. The men who have posted on their own situation have all described how their wives have lost interest in them and not the other way around.

I wonder if this is because this phenomenon really is that lopsided towards women or if men are just more reluctant to admit it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

You must buy him plane tickets, gifts, hire baby sitters, fix the transmission in his truck, and Super Bowl tickets to cause him to want to have sex with you. Also, stop haranguing him about his obesity--it's so shallow of you, and you should love him for who he is on the inside.

Nah, I'll just go off and eff someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

What's to elaborate on? The bolded part makes it clear it's a dude masquerading as a woman online, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

You must buy him plane tickets, gifts, hire baby sitters, fix the transmission in his truck, and Super Bowl tickets to cause him to want to have sex with you. Also, stop haranguing him about his obesity--it's so shallow of you, and you should love him for who he is on the inside.

Nah, I'll just go off and eff someone else.

Your sarcasm detectors broken?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

What's to elaborate on? The bolded part makes it clear it's a dude masquerading as a woman online, lol.

Not to mention the laughable contradiction of a woman who wants an "equal partner" who shares the housework, etc. but isn't "alpha" enough for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP checking back in.

No, I have not had an affair. I'm assuming she has not either, but the more I read DCUM, the more I realize this is a possibility.

Yes, I am in IC and we will start MC soon (she has resisted until recently) but our issues aren't particularly unique to a couple married 10 yrs who both work and with a young child.

Again, I didn't ask for advice or for an analysis of my situation. Some of those post have been helpful, some less so.

The point of the thread was to hear from other spouses who, for one reason or another, no longer find themselves sexually attracted to their spouses. There have been several very good posts to that effect.

Of course there have also been many negative attacks but I just chalk that up to what happens on virtually any post on a public internet forum, especially DCUM, and ignore them.

I do find it interesting that, while I requested input from both men and women, it has been exclusively women who have described how they have lost sexual attraction for their spouses. I'm curious why there have been no men describing a similar situation. The men who have posted on their own situation have all described how their wives have lost interest in them and not the other way around.

I wonder if this is because this phenomenon really is that lopsided towards women or if men are just more reluctant to admit it?

There are plenty of men who aren't that attracted to their wives, or at least their attraction has faded. But men don't have to be attracted to a woman to want to sleep with her (most men, obviously there are exceptions). An average woman can be in a bar and most men will fuck her if given the chance. Men aren't picky when it comes to sex. So yes, it's mostly a female phenomenon that they don't find their partners attractive enough for sex, although its usually just as much the emotional connection as the physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP checking back in.

No, I have not had an affair. I'm assuming she has not either, but the more I read DCUM, the more I realize this is a possibility.

Yes, I am in IC and we will start MC soon (she has resisted until recently) but our issues aren't particularly unique to a couple married 10 yrs who both work and with a young child.

Again, I didn't ask for advice or for an analysis of my situation. Some of those post have been helpful, some less so.

The point of the thread was to hear from other spouses who, for one reason or another, no longer find themselves sexually attracted to their spouses. There have been several very good posts to that effect.

Of course there have also been many negative attacks but I just chalk that up to what happens on virtually any post on a public internet forum, especially DCUM, and ignore them.

I do find it interesting that, while I requested input from both men and women, it has been exclusively women who have described how they have lost sexual attraction for their spouses. I'm curious why there have been no men describing a similar situation. The men who have posted on their own situation have all described how their wives have lost interest in them and not the other way around.

I wonder if this is because this phenomenon really is that lopsided towards women or if men are just more reluctant to admit it?

There are plenty of men who aren't that attracted to their wives, or at least their attraction has faded. But men don't have to be attracted to a woman to want to sleep with her (most men, obviously there are exceptions). An average woman can be in a bar and most men will fuck her if given the chance. Men aren't picky when it comes to sex. So yes, it's mostly a female phenomenon that they don't find their partners attractive enough for sex, although its usually just as much the emotional connection as the physical.

PP, are you male or female?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP checking back in.

No, I have not had an affair. I'm assuming she has not either, but the more I read DCUM, the more I realize this is a possibility.

Yes, I am in IC and we will start MC soon (she has resisted until recently) but our issues aren't particularly unique to a couple married 10 yrs who both work and with a young child.

Again, I didn't ask for advice or for an analysis of my situation. Some of those post have been helpful, some less so.

The point of the thread was to hear from other spouses who, for one reason or another, no longer find themselves sexually attracted to their spouses. There have been several very good posts to that effect.

Of course there have also been many negative attacks but I just chalk that up to what happens on virtually any post on a public internet forum, especially DCUM, and ignore them.

I do find it interesting that, while I requested input from both men and women, it has been exclusively women who have described how they have lost sexual attraction for their spouses. I'm curious why there have been no men describing a similar situation. The men who have posted on their own situation have all described how their wives have lost interest in them and not the other way around.

I wonder if this is because this phenomenon really is that lopsided towards women or if men are just more reluctant to admit it?

There are plenty of men who aren't that attracted to their wives, or at least their attraction has faded. But men don't have to be attracted to a woman to want to sleep with her (most men, obviously there are exceptions). An average woman can be in a bar and most men will fuck her if given the chance. Men aren't picky when it comes to sex. So yes, it's mostly a female phenomenon that they don't find their partners attractive enough for sex, although its usually just as much the emotional connection as the physical.

PP, are you male or female?

Male. Is what I wrote surprising? Men aren't known for being picky about who they want to get off with. YMMV, but in general we don't find women lining up to go to massage parlors to have some random person rub their genitals to orgasm.

My wife is attractive, and I am attracted to her in the same sense as those women who say they find their husbands attractive in the generic sense but not in the sexually hungry sense. But I don't need someone to turn me on. I am turned on because I have a spontaneous sex drive. DW is my only approved sexual outlet and I am more than thrilled to have sex with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP checking back in.

No, I have not had an affair. I'm assuming she has not either, but the more I read DCUM, the more I realize this is a possibility.

Yes, I am in IC and we will start MC soon (she has resisted until recently) but our issues aren't particularly unique to a couple married 10 yrs who both work and with a young child.

Again, I didn't ask for advice or for an analysis of my situation. Some of those post have been helpful, some less so.

The point of the thread was to hear from other spouses who, for one reason or another, no longer find themselves sexually attracted to their spouses. There have been several very good posts to that effect.

Of course there have also been many negative attacks but I just chalk that up to what happens on virtually any post on a public internet forum, especially DCUM, and ignore them.

I do find it interesting that, while I requested input from both men and women, it has been exclusively women who have described how they have lost sexual attraction for their spouses. I'm curious why there have been no men describing a similar situation. The men who have posted on their own situation have all described how their wives have lost interest in them and not the other way around.

I wonder if this is because this phenomenon really is that lopsided towards women or if men are just more reluctant to admit it?

There are plenty of men who aren't that attracted to their wives, or at least their attraction has faded. But men don't have to be attracted to a woman to want to sleep with her (most men, obviously there are exceptions). An average woman can be in a bar and most men will fuck her if given the chance. Men aren't picky when it comes to sex. So yes, it's mostly a female phenomenon that they don't find their partners attractive enough for sex, although its usually just as much the emotional connection as the physical.

PP, are you male or female?

Male. Is what I wrote surprising? Men aren't known for being picky about who they want to get off with. YMMV, but in general we don't find women lining up to go to massage parlors to have some random person rub their genitals to orgasm.

My wife is attractive, and I am attracted to her in the same sense as those women who say they find their husbands attractive in the generic sense but not in the sexually hungry sense. But I don't need someone to turn me on. I am turned on because I have a spontaneous sex drive. DW is my only approved sexual outlet and I am more than thrilled to have sex with her.

So get off with your hand and quit complaining. Or a fleshlight. Whatever makes you shut the hell up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H felt the same way.

I was sick of needing him to feel like I want him. It is very unattractive and needy and insecure.

Why do I need to put on a show to prove to you I want you.

Funny story, My H best friend is divorced. He was on a date and when they got home, he actually was stupid enough to say to his hot 28 yo date, show me you want me...

she said, "the f'... want you...? no wonder your needy ass is divorced, I am 28, I am naked, you need more than that... dang!" she got dressed and left.

My H acts less needy now, thank you 28 yo woman I have never met.

You are creating an expectation in your head that is unnecessary and it is causing you to be bitter. YOU are creating this situation and you are being passive aggressive about.

Step 1: I just want sex.
Step 2: I want you to prove you want it too.
Step 3: Now I need you to act sexy and prove you want it.
Step 4: Your wife finds somebody that just wants sex.

My husband is like this. He complains that we never have sex, but NEVER initiates. He needs to "feel wanted," which in practice means that I'm supposed to initiate all the time. I'll initiate three or four times in a row, and then there is no reciprocation. If I'm not giving overt signals that I want to have sex, it never happens. He doesn't make any effort to try to get things started or get in the mood. If I'm not in the mood to begin with, nothing happens. It's not fair to put all the onus on me to keep our sex life going. It turns it into one more chore I'm supposed to take care of, and there is nothing sexy about it.

Holy crap, is it something in the water in the DMV? My DH is the same - he wants to be "pursued". The fact that he expects me the be the aggressor is a total turn-off and as a result we have less sex

[Anonymous]

PP, he expects you to be the aggressor because of all the times you've turned him down in the past when he's attempted to initiate. Heads you win, tails he loses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

What you hit is the fact that many people are ashamed of their fantasies. What will my partner think? Will they hold it against me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

Men need to understand that many women lose sexual attraction to their husbands once they are in stable relationships.[u] This study found half of women over 30 in relationships of 4 years or longer did not want to have regular sex. Yet, men in long term relationships did not report a drop off in desire for sex.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4790313.stm

It's just a difference in the sexes. Men are surprised by it because often marriage is the first long term relationship (over four years) they have been in. And they are comparing the sex they had with their now wives - who are older, have hormonal changes, more responsibility, kids groping them and around the house, etc. with the sex they had when everyone was younger, healthier, living single without kids sleeping in the next room, feeling better about their bodies, etc.

Point being - OP - I don't think it's "you." I think your wife would be just as sick of sleeping with any man she was married to for so many years. (Caveat - obviously sometimes its personal - lots of people have commented on their husbands getting fat, having poor hygiene, only approaching them for sex and not otherwise caring about their emotional well-being, refusing to be considerate in bed). None of those caveats seem to apply to you, OP. You are going to have to decide/accept whether being married is worth more to you than having hot sex. Aim to keep the ok/occasional sex that is better than average when she is ovulating. I don't think having frequent, hot sex is a realistic goal for long term married men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Men need to understand that many women lose sexual attraction to their husbands once they are in stable relationships. This study found half of women over 30 in relationships of 4 years or longer did not want to have regular sex. Yet, men in long term relationships did not report a drop off in desire for sex.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4790313.stm

It's just a difference in the sexes. Men are surprised by it because often marriage is the first long term relationship (over four years) they have been in. And they are comparing the sex they had with their now wives - who are older, have hormonal changes, more responsibility, kids groping them and around the house, etc. with the sex they had when everyone was younger, healthier, living single without kids sleeping in the next room, feeling better about their bodies, etc.

Point being - OP - I don't think it's "you." I think your wife would be just as sick of sleeping with any man she was married to for so many years. (Caveat - obviously sometimes its personal - lots of people have commented on their husbands getting fat, having poor hygiene, only approaching them for sex and not otherwise caring about their emotional well-being, refusing to be considerate in bed). None of those caveats seem to apply to you, OP. You are going to have to decide/accept whether being married is worth more to you than having hot sex. Aim to keep the ok/occasional sex that is better than average when she is ovulating. I don't think having frequent, hot sex is a realistic goal for long term married men.

I agree that many women lose their attraction, and I agree men generally do not suffer this drop off in desire for sex.
But I do NOT agree that frequent hot sex is an unrealistic goal for married men ! Of course if that is what you really believe then it's no wonder you are only getting monthly duty sex.

I am a long term married man, and I AM having fairly frequent, fairly hot sex, even though my wife has (like alot of women) lost her sex drive.
That is because both me and wife understand that an active sex life is important to us remaining happily married. It has taken alot of work, several fights, and some marriage counseling before reaching this point of stability. And it could change down the road. But for now, it all works for us both.

The other alternative, if my wife were so uncompromising as to avoid a regular sex life, is that we remain married but I have discreet affairs to meet my completely normal and legitimate sexual needs. That too would achieve the goal of fairly frequent/hot sex for this long term married man. If my wife and I somehow can't keep our sexual connection going, that remains an option to preserve our marriage. And Yes, I would tell her before venturing out (notice I did not say "ask her permission"). Life is too short to remain near celibate in a sexless marriage.