If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

This is me also. I had poor impulse control and began cheating after only a few years. I *had* to experience passion I guess. Had a few kids and a few hot and heavy affairs over the years to fill the void. Husband didn't know about the affairs (maybe suspected but I am not sure). Our marriage suffered a slow and painful death in the end. The lack of attraction was a disaster. Unfortunately it was mutual. We never should have married. I am not proud of any of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

OP here. Sorry to disappoint all of you who jumped on the "he must suck in bed" bandwagon. I give her an O every time. Easily. I know her body very well. That is not an issue with us at all. As for the fantasy sharing suggestion, she is the one afraid to share that part of her self. I've tried it. No dice.

\

Huh. The more you reply the more I realize that it might just be your personality OP. Sorry, but you have a very whiny, kind of bitchy personality- super snarky and altogether rather bitter and unpleasant. For most people, that's gonna be a major turnoff.

Something to work on.

+1 I realized OP was an ass a few pages ago, it's the real issue. He is super passive aggressive and his wife secretly wishes he would go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

OP here. Sorry to disappoint all of you who jumped on the "he must suck in bed" bandwagon. I give her an O every time. Easily. I know her body very well. That is not an issue with us at all. As for the fantasy sharing suggestion, she is the one afraid to share that part of her self. I've tried it. No dice.

\

Huh. The more you reply the more I realize that it might just be your personality OP. Sorry, but you have a very whiny, kind of bitchy personality- super snarky and altogether rather bitter and unpleasant. For most people, that's gonna be a major turnoff.

Something to work on.

+1 I realized OP was an ass a few pages ago, it's the real issue. He is super passive aggressive and his wife secretly wishes he would go away.

+2. Very grating and catty like a girl. I wouldn't want that bitchiness anywhere near my vagina. Guess his wife feels the same

[Anonymous]

+3 he seems very into himself....gives her an O every time, easily....knows her body very well....and yet she does not seem to really want to fuck him? Something does not add up here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry to disappoint all of you who jumped on the "he must suck in bed" bandwagon. I give her an O every time. Easily. I know her body very well. That is not an issue with us at all. As for the fantasy sharing suggestion, she is the one afraid to share that part of her self. I've tried it. No dice.

OP, ignore the women calling you an ass. You are being direct. You make sense. I have no doubt you are both open minded and good in bed.

I have to tell you something - your wife is normal, and by normal I mean common. She has what I call a fragile and responsive desire, i.e. she needs something to turn her on AND if there are too many mental blocks she can't get in the mood - think being worn out by kids, in-laws, work, whatever it is. Sometimes things are cliche for a reason - men complaining their wives don't fuck them enough and seem to lie there and think of England - its cliche because its common.

Your wife is never never never going to be high drive for you. She is never going to reveal some crazy kinky fantasies because she doesn't have any that she desperately needs to live out and certainly not with her husband.

Your sex life is going to depend on you. You will put in 90% of the effort to get her to meet you barely at the other 10%. If you do all you can do, you will have an average sex life - once a week, mostly for you. If you can find a way to deal with the resentment, and focus on your love for your wife, you will be much more accepting of her lying back and letting you fuck her because she will do it out of a place of love and admiration for you, instead of it being a chore on her to-do list (which is what you don't want). Then, sex to your wife will be like desert to her - nice when its good but not something she needs. But at least she will enjoy it.

I wish I had better news for you. You need to find a way to come to grip with the idea that your wife is like most (not all, but most) women who really could take or leave sex with their husbands. Or have an affair, so you can see how the awesome sex you want comes with way to high of a price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+3 he seems very into himself....gives her an O every time, easily....knows her body very well....and yet she does not seem to really want to fuck him? Something does not add up here.

It's not adding up, at all. But it's easier for OP to act like his wife is a frigid, withholding bitch and act annoyed with all the female posters on here.

Kind of funny to watch- like a dog chasing it's tail.

[Anonymous]

This poster is so projecting. Be glad she's not your wife, OP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW here who has had periods of ho-hum sex with my DH, periods of no-sex, and periods of hot crazy sex when I was desperate to do him (even after 10+ years of marriage).

What I think happens in marriage is partly boredom, but also partly that people stop taking risks in terms of revealing themselves. You can go meet some random guy for a one night stand and do whatever the hell you want or say whatever you want, because you'll never see him again. But your DH will be there forever and ever (hopefully) and although it seems like that would make it possible to be more revealing I think the truth is the opposite. It is scary to be truly revealing because what if you are rejected. And the truly revealing stuff is what is sexy.

OP, are you doing much self-revealing in sex? Would you ever tell your spouse one of your fantasies? Are you personally comfortable really "letting go" during sex and acting in ways that are intense and perhaps even potentially embarrassing? If not, then you can't really expect your spouse to act this way.

The other night DH and I were in bed, he wanted to do it and I wasn't so into it, but then he told me a tiny little fantasy he had that day and suddenly I was so turned on by (1) this peek into his private secret life and (2) the fact that he would take the risk of sharing that with me. Suddenly I wanted to do him. If you aren't taking real emotional risks, your spouse won't either. And that leads to a ho-hum sex life.

Also, do you really make sure your spouse has an orgasm with sex? Would you ever just devote the whole sex session to making sure your spouse has an orgasm? Start with a long massage, long session of oral sex, use a vibrator on her, whatever....? It is amazing how many guys simply do not know if a woman has had an orgasm. If you spouse has repeatedly had orgasm-free sex with you, that builds up resentment and a definite lack of enthusiasm. How would you feel if a woman kept wanting to have sex with you but you never got to come? It's potentially a very big issue.

OP here. Sorry to disappoint all of you who jumped on the "he must suck in bed" bandwagon. I give her an O every time. Easily. I know her body very well. That is not an issue with us at all. As for the fantasy sharing suggestion, she is the one afraid to share that part of her self. I've tried it. No dice.

\

Huh. The more you reply the more I realize that it might just be your personality OP. Sorry, but you have a very whiny, kind of bitchy personality- super snarky and altogether rather bitter and unpleasant. For most people, that's gonna be a major turnoff.

Something to work on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

I had to check the date on this response to make sure I didn't write it. Too add to this. My DH is such a good guy that he he could never make me feel sexy. This is something that bad boys are really good at. (Unfortunately) I love my husband very much and would give anything to be attracted to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

'

Yes! This exactly!

My DH is definitely an alpha, but he puts all of his time and energy into his work and his plans for bettering himself that I'm an afterthought. I'm part of the machine that enables his plan to be enacted, but he doesn't put any attention into me. He also doesn't initiate any physical contact. So the grass isn't always greener. In the end, we're in exactly the same place.

[Anonymous]

Just swap husbands and all should be well.

Except in a couple of years you'll be in the same place again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

'

Yes! This exactly!

My DH is definitely an alpha, but he puts all of his time and energy into his work and his plans for bettering himself that I'm an afterthought. I'm part of the machine that enables his plan to be enacted, but he doesn't put any attention into me. He also doesn't initiate any physical contact. So the grass isn't always greener. In the end, we're in exactly the same place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the women calling you an ass. You are being direct. You make sense. I have no doubt you are both open minded and good in bed.

I have to tell you something - your wife is normal, and by normal I mean common. She has what I call a fragile and responsive desire, i.e. she needs something to turn her on AND if there are too many mental blocks she can't get in the mood - think being worn out by kids, in-laws, work, whatever it is. Sometimes things are cliche for a reason - men complaining their wives don't fuck them enough and seem to lie there and think of England - its cliche because its common.

Your wife is never never never going to be high drive for you. She is never going to reveal some crazy kinky fantasies because she doesn't have any that she desperately needs to live out and certainly not with her husband.

Your sex life is going to depend on you. You will put in 90% of the effort to get her to meet you barely at the other 10%. If you do all you can do, you will have an average sex life - once a week, mostly for you. If you can find a way to deal with the resentment, and focus on your love for your wife, you will be much more accepting of her lying back and letting you fuck her because she will do it out of a place of love and admiration for you, instead of it being a chore on her to-do list (which is what you don't want). Then, sex to your wife will be like desert to her - nice when its good but not something she needs. But at least she will enjoy it.

I wish I had better news for you. You need to find a way to come to grip with the idea that your wife is like most (not all, but most) women who really could take or leave sex with their husbands. Or have an affair, so you can see how the awesome sex you want comes with way to high of a price.

I totally agree with everything above.
Except for the final sentence: affair sex is NOT too high of a price.
After many years of passionless wifely duty sex, you won't believe how good it can be with another woman who actually WANTS YOU INSIDE HER.
Unfortunately, most women lose this desire pretty quickly so you will need to keep finding new affair partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:+3 he seems very into himself....gives her an O every time, easily....knows her body very well....and yet she does not seem to really want to fuck him? Something does not add up here.

It's not adding up, at all. But it's easier for OP to act like his wife is a frigid, withholding bitch and act annoyed with all the female posters on here.

Kind of funny to watch- like a dog chasing it's tail.

Exactly, he is in MC but won't say why. He probably had an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She has what I call a fragile and responsive desire, i.e. she needs something to turn her on AND if there are too many mental blocks she can't get in the mood - think being worn out by kids, in-laws, work, whatever it is. Sometimes things are cliche for a reason - men complaining their wives don't fuck them enough and seem to lie there and think of England - its cliche because its common.

. . .

Your sex life is going to depend on you. You will put in 90% of the effort to get her to meet you barely at the other 10%.

This just sounds so, very familiar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, ignore the women calling you an ass. You are being direct. You make sense. I have no doubt you are both open minded and good in bed.

I have to tell you something - your wife is normal, and by normal I mean common. She has what I call a fragile and responsive desire, i.e. she needs something to turn her on AND if there are too many mental blocks she can't get in the mood - think being worn out by kids, in-laws, work, whatever it is. Sometimes things are cliche for a reason - men complaining their wives don't fuck them enough and seem to lie there and think of England - its cliche because its common.

Your wife is never never never going to be high drive for you. She is never going to reveal some crazy kinky fantasies because she doesn't have any that she desperately needs to live out and certainly not with her husband.

Your sex life is going to depend on you. You will put in 90% of the effort to get her to meet you barely at the other 10%. If you do all you can do, you will have an average sex life - once a week, mostly for you. If you can find a way to deal with the resentment, and focus on your love for your wife, you will be much more accepting of her lying back and letting you fuck her because she will do it out of a place of love and admiration for you, instead of it being a chore on her to-do list (which is what you don't want). Then, sex to your wife will be like desert to her - nice when its good but not something she needs. But at least she will enjoy it.

I wish I had better news for you. You need to find a way to come to grip with the idea that your wife is like most (not all, but most) women who really could take or leave sex with their husbands. Or have an affair, so you can see how the awesome sex you want comes with way to high of a price.

I totally agree with everything above.
Except for the final sentence: affair sex is NOT too high of a price.
After many years of passionless wifely duty sex, you won't believe how good it can be with another woman who actually WANTS YOU INSIDE HER.
Unfortunately, most women lose this desire pretty quickly so you will need to keep finding new affair partners.

I wrote the above post, and its sounds depressing (and it kind of is) but I want to emphasize the above bolded part. My DW and I have moved past the hurt and resentment of where OP and his wife are - "why aren't you ever in the mood, don't you find me desirable" type arguments. We are not having bed scorching sex, but we do have sex slightly more frequently and slightly better because we have entered back into the mutual cycle of love and affection. So she has sex with me sometimes for her pleasure but usually because she loves me and loves to see me in pleasure. Which is so much better than letting me fuck her because she feels like she should and is sick of me being grumpy.

Point being - don't let perfect be the enemy of good, especially since perfect is unattainable. OP seems to have it good, at least insofar as this is what most marital sex looks like (and bad is those who go weeks, months, even years without sex).

Yes, affairs are amazing sexually, but he needs to realize that his wife's lack of desire will be his APs lack of desire in a few years and the headache of keeping an AP emotionally happy to fan the sexual flames is really exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Guy here: I think that sex changes as you move into a relationship and through the course of life. There's certainly a big transition period going from college age and single life sex to married sex and post kids sex.

I think that your first impression of sex (being young, single, and with someone who wants you too) sets the impression that that's how sex is supposed to be or will always be.

If a guy wants spontaneous, uninhibited, occasionally drunken sex with a woman who can't make it a day without you sleeping with her, don't get married. Instead, have a neverending string of 3-4 month relationships.

If you want kids and a relationship then recognize that there are tradeoffs.