If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

I am not sexually attracted to DW. She is very attractive by conventional standards, lots of men find her attractive and fun. But too many years of rejection from her when the kids were young, took its toll on my feelings for her. We still have sex sometimes but I have to pretend its someone else. I have a very high drive, I wish I could find a way to feel sexually connected to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He "helps" with stuff and we are not equal partners. He's gained weight, let himself go. He constantly wears sweat pants or walks around in his underwear. He doesn't shave or even cut his finger and toenails regularly. He just doesn't take care of himself at all anymore and that is suuuuper unattractive. It wasn't always like this, I have let him know that it's unsexy for me but clearly he doesn't care about it enough to change.

If he hit the gym, fixed his grooming issues, dressed to impress you and pitched in enough to be a real help to you would your feelings change? Or is all this a convenient excuse?

Yes my feelings would change in a heartbeat. We didn't start out this way. He used to take care of himself and I do think it's more about the fact that he just doesn't care about himself anymore than the actual physical appearance side effects from that. I am not going to lie: I am not sex crazy. We have never been the couple that does it every day. But I definitely miss finding him sexy and I have tried to look past all of the issues but after almost 5 years just can't do that anymore. He doesn't even need to hit the gym or become a household wizz to be honest, it's mostly the grooming issues that ruin all attractiveness for me.

But how old are you guys? I look at many other men near my age (45) & it's not pretty
And how busy are you guys? Kids, how many hours is the man working? Do you have date nights?

You should just tell him. He's dense & he's let himself go - just tell him
Give him a gift certificate to one of those man spas to salve his wounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sexually attracted to DW. She is very attractive by conventional standards, lots of men find her attractive and fun. But too many years of rejection from her when the kids were young, took its toll on my feelings for her. We still have sex sometimes but I have to pretend its someone else. I have a very high drive, I wish I could find a way to feel sexually connected to her.

I don't know I've never said no to the husband . Though how high is your drive?
And did you help out tons with the kids and house? That's a great aphrodisiac .
If you didn't you probably repulsed her, sorry

[Anonymous]

DW with a high drive here. I really don't understand all those "if you woo her by helping around the house, she will want to have sex." No, she won't. Not the way OP wants it, anyway - he doesn't want it out of gratitude, he wants her to lust after him. And that is purely hormonal, I think. I've been married 12 years, we have sex 5-6 times a week but if it was up to me, it would be more often (it's not because jobs and small children make it impossible). But the thing is - I don't constantly jump my husband because he takes out the trash - I do so because I have a high drive and want sex. I love him, but I am pretty sure that unless I married someone I loathed, I'd still want regular sex with them. Just the way my hormones are wired. If what OP wants isn't for his wife to have sex out of duty, gratitude, nonsexual love, I don't think it's going to happen if it hasn't happened. She's either sexually driven or not. It's not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high drive here. I really don't understand all those "if you woo her by helping around the house, she will want to have sex." No, she won't. Not the way OP wants it, anyway - he doesn't want it out of gratitude, he wants her to lust after him. And that is purely hormonal, I think. I've been married 12 years, we have sex 5-6 times a week but if it was up to me, it would be more often (it's not because jobs and small children make it impossible). But the thing is - I don't constantly jump my husband because he takes out the trash - I do so because I have a high drive and want sex. I love him, but I am pretty sure that unless I married someone I loathed, I'd still want regular sex with them. Just the way my hormones are wired. If what OP wants isn't for his wife to have sex out of duty, gratitude, nonsexual love, I don't think it's going to happen if it hasn't happened. She's either sexually driven or not. It's not going to change.

OP needs to read this, true advice. He, like many men, chase their tails trying to find a way to turn the lust on in their wives. Some women have it naturally, the rest - it's gone for their husbands and it's not coming back. Ever. There are definitely things OP can do that will facilitate the right mood and/or keep away the resentment so that his wife is willing to let him have sex with her - and once the sex starts she will sometimes or usually get into it. But reading OP's first post, it sounds like he is already there.

OP, what you have is normal. Living the rest of your life with a partner who never seems to really want to have sex with you, but is willing to under the right circumstances is soul crushing, but welcome to many marriages my friend. You have three options - accept it, have an affair or divorce. If you divorce, just know the chances of finding a gem like this PP is a tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW with a high drive here. I really don't understand all those "if you woo her by helping around the house, she will want to have sex." No, she won't. Not the way OP wants it, anyway - he doesn't want it out of gratitude, he wants her to lust after him. And that is purely hormonal, I think. I've been married 12 years, we have sex 5-6 times a week but if it was up to me, it would be more often (it's not because jobs and small children make it impossible). But the thing is - I don't constantly jump my husband because he takes out the trash - I do so because I have a high drive and want sex. I love him, but I am pretty sure that unless I married someone I loathed, I'd still want regular sex with them. Just the way my hormones are wired. If what OP wants isn't for his wife to have sex out of duty, gratitude, nonsexual love, I don't think it's going to happen if it hasn't happened. She's either sexually driven or not. It's not going to change.

OP here. I assume this is probably the case, and thank you for not regurgitating the usual LD talking points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I'm DW who loves DH, but I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, though I always orgasm and within minutes. We do it 4 or 5 times/week unless I'm on my period. I'm mentally cringing to get it over and thinking of something else to make me orgasm, but I know it's important to him. His idea of love is sex and I do live him. Anyway, We've been together 16 years. He has sinus infections all the time, which makes him breathe through his nose and his breath is foul. I can't stand it. He's losing his hearing and our conversations are strained. Huge turn off. He's a handsome manly man, great dad and loves me to pieces. I'm mostly medical/physical ailments. Gross.

I could be you although I also have a few emotional issues and resentment towards my husband but all in all he's a very generous guy who still thinks I'm beautiful after 20 years. My problem is I just want to get it over with. I even told him I would have sex five nights a week if we could just get down to business. I don't need crazy foreplay as a matter of fact I hate being touched down there and my breasts. I can come very quickly and always do. He wants to have foreplay and lots of stroking and kissing. Not me!!
Also he has bad breath which he denies. He says I'm saying that as an excuse to get out of sex!
I don't think about other men. I masturbate a few times a month and to be honest that is the best way to get a release. Without all the mess!
Sorry - I know I must sound like a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I didn't lose interest in or desire for my husband. We had frequent sex and had the great friendship some others have discussed here, laughed a lot, similar world view, LIKED each other -- but at the end of the day, none of that mattered because he wanted someone who didn't look like me. My looks didn't change from before we got married to when we got divorced so there was no bait and switch. I didn't deny him sex. We shared dreams and hopes and fears. I initiated (or tried to anyway, but he wasn't interested, which at the time I thought was just the way he was -- madonna/whore complex or whatever), I came to bed naked like he asked me to when we got married. It's taken me some time to stop feeling like I failed in some way. Some people will not be satisfied no matter what you do. I think if you have most of what you want, as someone said earlier, don't let perfect get in the way of good. And maybe the marriage counseling will reveal some small ways she can make you feel more desired and small ways you can make her feel like making you feel more desired.

[Anonymous]

08:33 poster here. I forgot to clarify that I know it was about the way I looked because he told me he was not attracted to me and had never been attracted to me and that he thought loving me and my love for him would be enough but it wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I'm DW who loves DH, but I'm no longer sexually attracted to him, though I always orgasm and within minutes. We do it 4 or 5 times/week unless I'm on my period. I'm mentally cringing to get it over and thinking of something else to make me orgasm, but I know it's important to him. His idea of love is sex and I do live him. Anyway, We've been together 16 years. He has sinus infections all the time, which makes him breathe through his nose and his breath is foul. I can't stand it. He's losing his hearing and our conversations are strained. Huge turn off. He's a handsome manly man, great dad and loves me to pieces. I'm mostly medical/physical ailments. Gross.

I could be you although I also have a few emotional issues and resentment towards my husband but all in all he's a very generous guy who still thinks I'm beautiful after 20 years. My problem is I just want to get it over with. I even told him I would have sex five nights a week if we could just get down to business. I don't need crazy foreplay as a matter of fact I hate being touched down there and my breasts. I can come very quickly and always do. He wants to have foreplay and lots of stroking and kissing. Not me!!
Also he has bad breath which he denies. He says I'm saying that as an excuse to get out of sex!
I don't think about other men. I masturbate a few times a month and to be honest that is the best way to get a release. Without all the mess!
Sorry - I know I must sound like a bitch.

I think my DW feels the same way as you do. Except the bad breath, I am religious about hygiene. I have thought about asking her to open the marriage. Would you be relieved or hurt if you no longer had to put up with sex with your husband? Would it allow you to enjoy the rest of the marriage without the burden of sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:08:33 poster here. I forgot to clarify that I know it was about the way I looked because he told me he was not attracted to me and had never been attracted to me and that he thought loving me and my love for him would be enough but it wasn't.

He sounds like an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:08:33 poster here. I forgot to clarify that I know it was about the way I looked because he told me he was not attracted to me and had never been attracted to me and that he thought loving me and my love for him would be enough but it wasn't.

He sounds like an asshole.

Pretty much. He's an EX-husband now. LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:08:33 poster here. I forgot to clarify that I know it was about the way I looked because he told me he was not attracted to me and had never been attracted to me and that he thought loving me and my love for him would be enough but it wasn't.

He sounds like an asshole.

Pretty much. He's an EX-husband now. LOL

He sounds like a psychopath. A very dense one.
No kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:08:33 poster here. I forgot to clarify that I know it was about the way I looked because he told me he was not attracted to me and had never been attracted to me and that he thought loving me and my love for him would be enough but it wasn't.

He sounds like an asshole.

Pretty much. He's an EX-husband now. LOL

He sounds like a psychopath. A very dense one.
No kids?

Sounds like had had some serious, deep rooted, issues, he overcame them, he had the balls to come clean, and It broke your heart. No pity for how messed up he was?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

So...you want a rich guy?