If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

In my experience, that "rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire" is crazy as a shithouse rat. You know what they say about crazy girls. They are good for that, but lousy to be in any sort of relationship with other than purely for sex.

Sigh. I feel sorry for you and the other idiots that perpetuate the idea that spontaneous sex couldn't possibly exist in a sane wife. Sounds like you met the wrong kind. Trust me, they are out there (but usually taken and carefully guarded).

I didn't write that comment. The author I linked to wrote about 15% of women have spontaneous desire. Talking to my group of friends, its quick to learn who married the sexual gems. I agree, they are not all crazy.

[Anonymous]

Me alpha male. Very career oriented, go to gym, flex my arms. Me go home, wife has meal ready. Me initiate sex multiple times per week. Me aggressive in bed but leave wife smiling. Me laugh at sensitive, nurturing guys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me alpha male. Very career oriented, go to gym, flex my arms. Me go home, wife has meal ready. Me initiate sex multiple times per week. Me aggressive in bed but leave wife smiling. Me laugh at sensitive, nurturing guys.

Me likey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

PP here, and I recommend men read this from a female author talking about female responsive desire: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

Seriously, take 30 minutes and read all of her posts. You will realize what you are expecting from your wife - that she shows some hunger to fuck you before the fucking starts - is never going to happen because most women aren't wired that way. Reading this helped me tremendously, and made me realize that the fact my DW sometimes gets into sex with me shows her mirror desire to mine. Again, it sucks, you have my sympathy - at one point the author questions whether the difference in male (spontaneous) desire vs. female (responsive) desire is the root of all marital evil. It probably is. But at least if you understand it, you will stop taking it personally which is a HUGE first step to letting go of expectations and disappointment.

I wish my DH would read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

PP here. Well, then please talk to your therapist about communication. A great example is that you mentioned nothing about MC or your therapy (and what you are getting help with) in your OP, and that's extremely relevant to the situation you're asking about. It's not helpful to have to play guessing games when you leave out pertinent information.

Talk to my therapist about communication. Wow, why didn't I think of that?

Please note that in my OP I didn't ask for suggestions or help with my situation. I asked to hear about the other side of the coin from those who don't feel sexually attracted to their spouses. So far I've gotten quite a bit of really good insight from those who shared their situation. For those who shared, thank you, I really appreciate your input.

Not so much for those who want to play amateur therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, maybe it's her, not you. Maybe she just doesn't have much of a sex drive? So she finds you attractive and enjoys the sex when she is having it, but it just isn't a big deal for her.

My sister and her husband had some issues early on. He's a guy who would like it every day. She's got a full-time job and primary care of the kids and house, and would be happy doing it once a week. They compromised on twice a week, and he's allowed to bug her if she doesn't give him that, but he can't bug her for more or resent her or complain. Their marriage is pretty good.

did they also compromise on the house and kids and have the H do more in that area?

[Anonymous]

Uh, actually it sounds like you need another woman. Just saying.

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

[Anonymous]

Heh, you and Donald Trump both, sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, "the vibes" for 10 years are an impossibility. It does not happen ever. You either grow to appreciate having a family and focus on rearing children, or you split. Decide what's more important to you. If you choose to go and find another mate, the exact same thing will happen again. It is so. It cannot be otherwise.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Heh, you and Donald Trump both, sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

Maybe she's married to Jeb Bush.

[Anonymous]

As a woman, I can relate to the whole ovulation period. (No pun intended by the way.)

Ovulation is the time when a woman can conceive a child, it's a natural part of her menstrual cycle & it is designed to make a woman more aroused since this is her best time to conceive a child. Mother Nature knows what is best.

When I am ovulating, I get really horny, real fast. Every single month.

Does your wife ever tell you that you look good? Or remark how cute/handsome you are to her?

If not, then yes you may be right. It is all relative.

Try to make an extra effort to put some more spark into your relationship. For example, why not return to the place of your first date & talk about how things were way back then.

Or bring home flowers for her just "because." Showing her you are making a conscious effort on keeping your marriage from going stale is a sexy trait to possess.

And oh yeah, finally help her out around the house. Nothing is hotter to me than a man who steps up + takes the initiative. I love a man who washes dishes or cleans out the litter box. Meow. Grr.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

PP here. Well, then please talk to your therapist about communication. A great example is that you mentioned nothing about MC or your therapy (and what you are getting help with) in your OP, and that's extremely relevant to the situation you're asking about. It's not helpful to have to play guessing games when you leave out pertinent information.

Talk to my therapist about communication. Wow, why didn't I think of that?

Please note that in my OP I didn't ask for suggestions or help with my situation. I asked to hear about the other side of the coin from those who don't feel sexually attracted to their spouses. So far I've gotten quite a bit of really good insight from those who shared their situation. For those who shared, thank you, I really appreciate your input.

Not so much for those who want to play amateur therapist.

This is all very true. I think part of the problem is that men expect women to react the same way as men do toward sex. Most women can go a much longer time without sex than most men. Not getting laid doesn't often make us crazy. Women don't really get turned on by the sight of a naked man (have you ever wondered why there are so few strip clubs and pornos made for women).

For me, sex is as much about the romance and the feelings as it is to the physical act. Start thinking like a woman if you want to understand your wife. The fact that she doesn't initiate as much as you would like or look like a sex-crazed nymph when she sees you naked does not mean that you are not sexy to her. She could be very attracted to you.

Is it possible that much of your anxiety is based on some other perceived insecurity in your relationship? And, on another note, if you were working two or three jobs as you mentioned, your wife was alone a lot and looking after the kids by herself. She is probably exhausted and I am sure that you are as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Heh, you and Donald Trump both, sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

Maybe she's married to Jeb Bush.

No, his name denotes excitement. Jeb!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

OP, I'm another one that could be your DW. Here's my "why" on the whole thing. Like another poster said, we get along great outside the bedroom - we are like best friends. However, we both have gotten pretty comfortable with each other and very predictable. For us (hopefully not for you two yet), it's been so long that we're set in our ways that I don't think we could get out of it at this point. But if this is recently new for you two maybe there's still hope.

For us - the sex is perfunctory. we each knows what the other likes, doesn't like. We go through the motions, do the same things in the same order and we're done. we don't make an effort to put our best out there for each other - we're in our ratty underwear, sweats, not shaved (face for him, legs for me) etc. and be like, you want to have sex tonight? okay. and then we do it.

I'm not sure if he feels the same way towards me as I feel towards him, but after years of this, I'm no longer sexually attracted to him and could honestly never have sex with him again and be moderately happy in life (with him as my life partner). Like I said, I love him with all my heart and we have a great time together - but sexually attractive? nope. It's become more of an obligation or "check the box" kind of thing rather than really wanting it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

PP here. Well, then please talk to your therapist about communication. A great example is that you mentioned nothing about MC or your therapy (and what you are getting help with) in your OP, and that's extremely relevant to the situation you're asking about. It's not helpful to have to play guessing games when you leave out pertinent information.

Talk to my therapist about communication. Wow, why didn't I think of that?

Please note that in my OP I didn't ask for suggestions or help with my situation. I asked to hear about the other side of the coin from those who don't feel sexually attracted to their spouses. So far I've gotten quite a bit of really good insight from those who shared their situation. For those who shared, thank you, I really appreciate your input.

Not so much for those who want to play amateur therapist.

This is all very true. I think part of the problem is that men expect women to react the same way as men do toward sex. Most women can go a much longer time without sex than most men. Not getting laid doesn't often make us crazy. Women don't really get turned on by the sight of a naked man (have you ever wondered why there are so few strip clubs and pornos made for women).

For me, sex is as much about the romance and the feelings as it is to the physical act. Start thinking like a woman if you want to understand your wife. The fact that she doesn't initiate as much as you would like or look like a sex-crazed nymph when she sees you naked does not mean that you are not sexy to her. She could be very attracted to you.

Is it possible that much of your anxiety is based on some other perceived insecurity in your relationship? And, on another note, if you were working two or three jobs as you mentioned, your wife was alone a lot and looking after the kids by herself. She is probably exhausted and I am sure that you are as well.

I'm always amused by those who presume to speak for everyone who shares the same genitalia.