If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

Why are you in MC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

Unrealistic expectations... #1 issue with kids these days

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

PP here. Well, then please talk to your therapist about communication. A great example is that you mentioned nothing about MC or your therapy (and what you are getting help with) in your OP, and that's extremely relevant to the situation you're asking about. It's not helpful to have to play guessing games when you leave out pertinent information.

[Anonymous]

No advice for you, just a rambling note to say that you are not alone. I think this is somehow a process everyone goes through in life- that ebb and flow crashing into us in waves of lust and falling out of lust until it rushes back in again like the tide.

Hang tight. Enjoy the ride.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

Unrealistic expectations... #1 issue with kids these days

Yeah, unfortunately very few people understand how to be in a longterm and committed relationship these days. Guys want instant gratification and a catering to every sexual urge and girls want to be treated like princesses. Otherwise it's "woe is me! Why is my marriage broken!?" That's not real life, kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

This. The guys I dated previously were either really nice but didn't turn me on, or turned me on but were jerks. I think I figured I couldn't have both.
I also married young and am just bored. I constantly wonder what else is out there.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it's her, not you. Maybe she just doesn't have much of a sex drive? So she finds you attractive and enjoys the sex when she is having it, but it just isn't a big deal for her.

My sister and her husband had some issues early on. He's a guy who would like it every day. She's got a full-time job and primary care of the kids and house, and would be happy doing it once a week. They compromised on twice a week, and he's allowed to bug her if she doesn't give him that, but he can't bug her for more or resent her or complain. Their marriage is pretty good.

[Anonymous]

Chicks dig assholes.

[Anonymous]

Former lover and I had a ton of chemistry and "animal attraction," and he was more aggressive in bed but was a total, absolute lout. Husband is actually better in bed, but doesn't exude sex the way the other guy did, so it takes me a bit more to get going. Once we start I'm happy, but he's never going to push me against a wall and go at it (I don't mean this in a rape-y way, at all).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

Wow... I could have wrote this post as well..

Me too. I'm divorced now. This is not the only reason but it sure didn't help.

OP, is it possible that what is bothering you is something else? Because honestly, actions speak louder than words, and your wife is acting like she is attracted to you (i.e. having sex). You mention that you are in individual therapy and going to start marriage counseling. I suspect that whatever is leading you to therapy & MC is what is really bothering you.

[Anonymous]

OP, "the vibes" for 10 years are an impossibility. It does not happen ever. You either grow to appreciate having a family and focus on rearing children, or you split. Decide what's more important to you. If you choose to go and find another mate, the exact same thing will happen again. It is so. It cannot be otherwise.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

In my experience, that "rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire" is crazy as a shithouse rat. You know what they say about crazy girls. They are good for that, but lousy to be in any sort of relationship with other than purely for sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

In my experience, that "rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire" is crazy as a shithouse rat. You know what they say about crazy girls. They are good for that, but lousy to be in any sort of relationship with other than purely for sex.

Sigh. I feel sorry for you and the other idiots that perpetuate the idea that spontaneous sex couldn't possibly exist in a sane wife. Sounds like you met the wrong kind. Trust me, they are out there (but usually taken and carefully guarded).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

PP here, and I recommend men read this from a female author talking about female responsive desire: http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/2014/06/16/i-drew-this-graph-about-sexual-desire-and-i-think-it-might-change-your-life/

Seriously, take 30 minutes and read all of her posts. You will realize what you are expecting from your wife - that she shows some hunger to fuck you before the fucking starts - is never going to happen because most women aren't wired that way. Reading this helped me tremendously, and made me realize that the fact my DW sometimes gets into sex with me shows her mirror desire to mine. Again, it sucks, you have my sympathy - at one point the author questions whether the difference in male (spontaneous) desire vs. female (responsive) desire is the root of all marital evil. It probably is. But at least if you understand it, you will stop taking it personally which is a HUGE first step to letting go of expectations and disappointment.