If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

[Anonymous]

He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

[Anonymous]

I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

'

Yes! This exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

'

Yes! This exactly!

Another +1 from another DW.

[Anonymous]

-Exercises, and dresses nicely for work, but puts in NO effort when we go anywhere.

-Seems to only pay attention to me when he wants sex.

-Career-driven, but not a planner in any other way, like PP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

OP here. I find this interesting and can relate to this. I've spent most of our marriage working two jobs and up to three jobs at one point so I've always been a hard worker. I have deliberately avoided the management track at work because I know that DW would not be able to handle the extra hours and travel that would involve but at the same time I see that she resents me for not being more ambitious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

Wow... I could have wrote this post as well..

[Anonymous]

OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

OP here. I find this interesting and can relate to this. I've spent most of our marriage working two jobs and up to three jobs at one point so I've always been a hard worker. I have deliberately avoided the management track at work because I know that DW would not be able to handle the extra hours and travel that would involve but at the same time I see that she resents me for not being more ambitious.

More travel would involve more hours than you working two jobs? And does your DW work, OP? I am the first PP and I work longer hours than my H, so I know exactly what's involved in putting more effort in at work, hence my being turned off that he won't invest the time or energy. Doesn't seem like your situation. She could just be low drive, and it's not about you specifically.

[Anonymous]

My H felt the same way.

I was sick of needing him to feel like I want him. It is very unattractive and needy and insecure.

Why do I need to put on a show to prove to you I want you.

Funny story, My H best friend is divorced. He was on a date and when they got home, he actually was stupid enough to say to his hot 28 yo date, show me you want me...

she said, "the f'... want you...? no wonder your needy ass is divorced, I am 28, I am naked, you need more than that... dang!" she got dressed and left.

My H acts less needy now, thank you 28 yo woman I have never met.

You are creating an expectation in your head that is unnecessary and it is causing you to be bitter. YOU are creating this situation and you are being passive aggressive about.

Step 1: I just want sex.
Step 2: I want you to prove you want it too.
Step 3: Now I need you to act sexy and prove you want it.
Step 4: Your wife finds somebody that just wants sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H felt the same way.

I was sick of needing him to feel like I want him. It is very unattractive and needy and insecure.

Why do I need to put on a show to prove to you I want you.

Funny story, My H best friend is divorced. He was on a date and when they got home, he actually was stupid enough to say to his hot 28 yo date, show me you want me...

she said, "the f'... want you...? no wonder your needy ass is divorced, I am 28, I am naked, you need more than that... dang!" she got dressed and left.

My H acts less needy now, thank you 28 yo woman I have never met.

You are creating an expectation in your head that is unnecessary and it is causing you to be bitter. YOU are creating this situation and you are being passive aggressive about.

Step 1: I just want sex.
Step 2: I want you to prove you want it too.
Step 3: Now I need you to act sexy and prove you want it.
Step 4: Your wife finds somebody that just wants sex.

My husband is like this. He complains that we never have sex, but NEVER initiates. He needs to "feel wanted," which in practice means that I'm supposed to initiate all the time. I'll initiate three or four times in a row, and then there is no reciprocation. If I'm not giving overt signals that I want to have sex, it never happens. He doesn't make any effort to try to get things started or get in the mood. If I'm not in the mood to begin with, nothing happens. It's not fair to put all the onus on me to keep our sex life going. It turns it into one more chore I'm supposed to take care of, and there is nothing sexy about it.