If you aren't sexually attracted to your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

'

Yes! This exactly!

My DH is definitely an alpha, but he puts all of his time and energy into his work and his plans for bettering himself that I'm an afterthought. I'm part of the machine that enables his plan to be enacted, but he doesn't put any attention into me. He also doesn't initiate any physical contact. So the grass isn't always greener. In the end, we're in exactly the same place.

Sounds like some of you just want to fuck someone who isn't your husband. And that is likely biological. Women are wired to want semen to compete for their eggs. Doesn't mean you can't override that urge and not act on it, but I imagine it can put a real damper and your urge for your mate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

Sorry - missed most of this and am just chiming in late & not sure this topic has been covered.

I have friends that I am close with who talk about things. Your wife might just be gay. I have had friends tell me that they were married to men
and had sex and okay, we had sex. Then, she had sex with a woman and - fireworks. I don't get that because I'm not gay, but if she's gay, well,
that might be her response.

I don't know how you address that in a marriage. Go off on a very long assignment in another country and hope she hooks up with a woman from work
like my friend did? Then you just be friends? I don't know.

It might not be you at all though - which isn't very fair to you at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He wants sex the same way each time, and he wants it less frequently than I do. It's too much work to make me orgasm. He's gained 40 pounds since we got married. I do 90% of everything and he "helps" me with the kids, house, finances, etc. instead of being an equal partner. He's a beta, not an alpha.

Can you elaborate on that last point? The rest of it seems to be easily fixed, but the last item indicates that there is more to it.

He's not a leader. He's happy for anyone else to do the planning and the work. He doesn't initiate any kind of physical contact, sexual or otherwise. It's hard to be consistently attracted to a man who doesn't take the initiative and is not high energy and is complacent at work. His love language is spending time together, but that's not mine. I like a guy who is assertive and has a plan for life.

'

Yes! This exactly!

My DH is definitely an alpha, but he puts all of his time and energy into his work and his plans for bettering himself that I'm an afterthought. I'm part of the machine that enables his plan to be enacted, but he doesn't put any attention into me. He also doesn't initiate any physical contact. So the grass isn't always greener. In the end, we're in exactly the same place.

Sounds like some of you just want to fuck someone who isn't your husband. And that is likely biological. Women are wired to want semen to compete for their eggs. Doesn't mean you can't override that urge and not act on it, but I imagine it can put a real damper and your urge for your mate

I think that's a given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Although she makes it very clear that she loves me very much, I'm pretty sure my DW is not sexually attracted to me. I believe she finds me attractive on an aesthetic level (I'm a good looking guy, look young for my age, in great shape, etc.) but after 10 yrs of marriage, I can't remember if she has ever given me that "I want you!" vibe. She's certainly never said it and she doesn't show it.

We do have sex, and it's pretty good, occasionally great, but honestly, when we're doing it, I feel as if I could be anyone. She'll be more enthusiastic when she's ovulating but the rest of the time it's pretty clear she could take it or leave it. If I stopped asking for it, she wouldn't miss it. In the past when I've given up on sex and stopped asking for it she would very occasionally suggest it when I think she began to worry that she might lose me.

I'm interested to hear from spouses who don't find their DW or DH sexually attractive. Not because you're angry and bitter or in an abusive relationship, but because somehow they just don't do it for you.

And please explain why. Have you always felt this way or is it something that developed over time? Is it boredom? Is it because they let themselves go? Is it stress from work, parenthood, etc.? Are you still pining for an ex? Something else?

Sorry - missed most of this and am just chiming in late & not sure this topic has been covered.

I have friends that I am close with who talk about things. Your wife might just be gay. I have had friends tell me that they were married to men
and had sex and okay, we had sex. Then, she had sex with a woman and - fireworks. I don't get that because I'm not gay, but if she's gay, well,
that might be her response.

I don't know how you address that in a marriage. Go off on a very long assignment in another country and hope she hooks up with a woman from work
like my friend did? Then you just be friends? I don't know.

It might not be you at all though - which isn't very fair to you at all.

OP here. I'm at a loss as to what to make of this post.

[Anonymous]

I am not sexually attracted to my spouse, but we still have sex. I am not sure what you mean by sexually attracted though - do I look at her and think "I am sexually turned on and I need that right now?" No. We have been married a while, she isn't sexually adventurous, sex can get boring. But sex is the glue of a marriage, so you find ways to keep that glue strong. And sex still feels good, releases bonding chemicals and brings us closer together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not sexually attracted to my spouse, but we still have sex. I am not sure what you mean by sexually attracted though - do I look at her and think "I am sexually turned on and I need that right now?" No. We have been married a while, she isn't sexually adventurous, sex can get boring. But sex is the glue of a marriage, so you find ways to keep that glue strong. And sex still feels good, releases bonding chemicals and brings us closer together.

Took 14 pages to finally get a husband to answer this question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sexually attracted to my spouse, but we still have sex. I am not sure what you mean by sexually attracted though - do I look at her and think "I am sexually turned on and I need that right now?" No. We have been married a while, she isn't sexually adventurous, sex can get boring. But sex is the glue of a marriage, so you find ways to keep that glue strong. And sex still feels good, releases bonding chemicals and brings us closer together.

Took 14 pages to finally get a husband to answer this question.

Because men find 8 out of 10 women sexually attractive. But lots of men feel the same way as women do towards their husbands: I find her attractive in the conventional sense but I have no deep desire to sleep with her specifically. Difference is men don't need the emotional connection to want to have sex. Assuming the wife isn't gross, men are still thrilled to have sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sexually attracted to my spouse, but we still have sex. I am not sure what you mean by sexually attracted though - do I look at her and think "I am sexually turned on and I need that right now?" No. We have been married a while, she isn't sexually adventurous, sex can get boring. But sex is the glue of a marriage, so you find ways to keep that glue strong. And sex still feels good, releases bonding chemicals and brings us closer together.

Took 14 pages to finally get a husband to answer this question.

Because men find 8 out of 10 women sexually attractive. But lots of men feel the same way as women do towards their husbands: I find her attractive in the conventional sense but I have no deep desire to sleep with her specifically. Difference is men don't need the emotional connection to want to have sex. Assuming the wife isn't gross, men are still thrilled to have sex.

In general, this is true. But this overlooks the emotional connection I get from having sex with my wife.

This is the problem with anyone, man or woman, speaking for their entire gender instead of limiting it to their own direct experience. I'm a man but I don't presume to speak for every man, just myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H felt the same way.

I was sick of needing him to feel like I want him. It is very unattractive and needy and insecure.

Why do I need to put on a show to prove to you I want you.

Funny story, My H best friend is divorced. He was on a date and when they got home, he actually was stupid enough to say to his hot 28 yo date, show me you want me...

she said, "the f'... want you...? no wonder your needy ass is divorced, I am 28, I am naked, you need more than that... dang!" she got dressed and left.

My H acts less needy now, thank you 28 yo woman I have never met.

You are creating an expectation in your head that is unnecessary and it is causing you to be bitter. YOU are creating this situation and you are being passive aggressive about.

Step 1: I just want sex.
Step 2: I want you to prove you want it too.
Step 3: Now I need you to act sexy and prove you want it.
Step 4: Your wife finds somebody that just wants sex.

My husband is like this. He complains that we never have sex, but NEVER initiates. He needs to "feel wanted," which in practice means that I'm supposed to initiate all the time. I'll initiate three or four times in a row, and then there is no reciprocation. If I'm not giving overt signals that I want to have sex, it never happens. He doesn't make any effort to try to get things started or get in the mood. If I'm not in the mood to begin with, nothing happens. It's not fair to put all the onus on me to keep our sex life going. It turns it into one more chore I'm supposed to take care of, and there is nothing sexy about it.

Holy crap, is it something in the water in the DMV? My DH is the same - he wants to be "pursued". The fact that he expects me the be the aggressor is a total turn-off and as a result we have less sex

I don't object to the idea that both of us should be initiating sex. That seems only fair and reasonable in a long-term relationship. But when there's zero reciprocity, it's a huge turn-off. It's so passive. "I'm going to sit here and wait for you to make a move, and if you don't, I'll be unhappy. But I certainly won't try to get anything started. I'll also complain all the time about how tired I am (as if you are not)." Okay, let me know how that works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Had a conversation with DW about sex a few months back where she complained that I never initiate. I asked her to think really hard about what she was saying. Did she actually believe I never initiated? I reminded her that I initiated rather frequently, far more than she did, in fact. The difference was that when I initiated it resulted in rejection at a rate of nearly 100%. She initiated once or twice per week with a 100% success rate. So, yeah, if initiating only counts when it's successful then she wins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H felt the same way.

I was sick of needing him to feel like I want him. It is very unattractive and needy and insecure.

Why do I need to put on a show to prove to you I want you.

Funny story, My H best friend is divorced. He was on a date and when they got home, he actually was stupid enough to say to his hot 28 yo date, show me you want me...

she said, "the f'... want you...? no wonder your needy ass is divorced, I am 28, I am naked, you need more than that... dang!" she got dressed and left.

My H acts less needy now, thank you 28 yo woman I have never met.

You are creating an expectation in your head that is unnecessary and it is causing you to be bitter. YOU are creating this situation and you are being passive aggressive about.

Step 1: I just want sex.
Step 2: I want you to prove you want it too.
Step 3: Now I need you to act sexy and prove you want it.
Step 4: Your wife finds somebody that just wants sex.

My husband is like this. He complains that we never have sex, but NEVER initiates. He needs to "feel wanted," which in practice means that I'm supposed to initiate all the time. I'll initiate three or four times in a row, and then there is no reciprocation. If I'm not giving overt signals that I want to have sex, it never happens. He doesn't make any effort to try to get things started or get in the mood. If I'm not in the mood to begin with, nothing happens. It's not fair to put all the onus on me to keep our sex life going. It turns it into one more chore I'm supposed to take care of, and there is nothing sexy about it.

Holy crap, is it something in the water in the DMV? My DH is the same - he wants to be "pursued". The fact that he expects me the be the aggressor is a total turn-off and as a result we have less sex

I don't object to the idea that both of us should be initiating sex. That seems only fair and reasonable in a long-term relationship. But when there's zero reciprocity, it's a huge turn-off. It's so passive. "I'm going to sit here and wait for you to make a move, and if you don't, I'll be unhappy. But I certainly won't try to get anything started. I'll also complain all the time about how tired I am (as if you are not)." Okay, let me know how that works out for you.

But if YOU WANT SEX and your wife can take it or leave, it feels like some absurd "damsel in distress act" to get huffy when your wife is doing her thing, focused on the family, and youre sitting around quietly resenting because you aren't being "pursued". It's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Had a conversation with DW about sex a few months back where she complained that I never initiate. I asked her to think really hard about what she was saying. Did she actually believe I never initiated? I reminded her that I initiated rather frequently, far more than she did, in fact. The difference was that when I initiated it resulted in rejection at a rate of nearly 100%. She initiated once or twice per week with a 100% success rate. So, yeah, if initiating only counts when it's successful then she wins.

Haha this is kind of how it is at our house. Wife wants me to initiate but shoots me down quite a bit (not always). I tell her it is a blow to the ego and she says I'm being too sensitive. If you want it go for it. I say easy for you to say I never shoot you down.

We've been together 20+ years and have plenty of good sex, 3+ per week. Could be more if I got a bit more ballsy lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a conversation with DW about sex a few months back where she complained that I never initiate. I asked her to think really hard about what she was saying. Did she actually believe I never initiated? I reminded her that I initiated rather frequently, far more than she did, in fact. The difference was that when I initiated it resulted in rejection at a rate of nearly 100%. She initiated once or twice per week with a 100% success rate. So, yeah, if initiating only counts when it's successful then she wins.

Haha this is kind of how it is at our house. Wife wants me to initiate but shoots me down quite a bit (not always). I tell her it is a blow to the ego and she says I'm being too sensitive. If you want it go for it. I say easy for you to say I never shoot you down.

We've been together 20+ years and have plenty of good sex, 3+ per week. Could be more if I got a bit more ballsy lol

Our house too. I used to initiate 4-5 times a week, get shot down almost every time. Now she initiates, I am always up for sex. But she doesn't like having to ask. I get it, but still.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Had a conversation with DW about sex a few months back where she complained that I never initiate. I asked her to think really hard about what she was saying. Did she actually believe I never initiated? I reminded her that I initiated rather frequently, far more than she did, in fact. The difference was that when I initiated it resulted in rejection at a rate of nearly 100%. She initiated once or twice per week with a 100% success rate. So, yeah, if initiating only counts when it's successful then she wins.

Haha this is kind of how it is at our house. Wife wants me to initiate but shoots me down quite a bit (not always). I tell her it is a blow to the ego and she says I'm being too sensitive. If you want it go for it. I say easy for you to say I never shoot you down.

We've been together 20+ years and have plenty of good sex, 3+ per week. Could be more if I got a bit more ballsy lol

Well, maybe my husband is initiating, but we have different standards. Like, he never says he wants to have sex. He never suggests giving me a back rub that turns into foreplay. He never extends a kiss into making out. He doesn't touch me in a sexual way. He never tells me I look hot. I mean, this is not rocket science. If he's counting the times I never realized he was trying to get something started as initiating, then yeah, his failure rate is probably pretty high.