In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your thoughts, truly. Thank you.

The first therapy session was helpful. It was a relief to say everything out loud as all I've done is pour it out here over the web. It was suggested that my husband pursue his own counseling, which he is, and that we wait to start marriage counseling until he has spent some time on himself. The counselor said it could be months before he gets to a place where he truly has figured out what led him to his actions, and until he may sort out what he needs to focus on changing and improving in his life and actions. I had thought we would begin couples counseling as soon as we could find a good counselor, and not wait potentially for a month, two months etc. I need to think about this because I feel that going sooner will help me feel more comfortable that steps are being taken, and it may help me figure out how to communicate with him during this time. I've mostly been avoiding, and he understands that. He has made it clear that he will talk or give me space at any time.

I have no idea how we get back to any semblance of normal life while we sort this out. He has respectfully been following my cues - if I come home late and go straight to bed, he won't ask to talk. If I knock on the guest room and want to talk he talks. We can't do this forever. I eventually have to have dinner with him again, sort through bills together. I just dont know how to do that. I despise living these separate lives down the hall from each other. But I also obviously am not ready to go back to regular life. For now I am leaning on distance. I'm at a hotel this weekend, and away on business most of next week. That will afford us some time to think and be alone. I selfishly want him to feel alone and aware of it every second I am away. Selfishly I want him to think about why he is alone and not spending a holiday weekend with his new wife, and what life would be like alone if I walk away.

It is just an awful and lonely time right now and I am so heartbroken.

OP, I have no idea if this is going to be helpful or crass or not. But just a thought - I think you and the therapist may be over thinking things. He cheated because having sex with people feels good, you weren't around, and he thought he was going to get away with it (and did until a vengeful other woman decided to ruin your life). Men do stupid things with their penis (women aren't perfect either). It's not like you were long time married and seemingly happy and have something deep to deconstruct. All in all, men are simple when it comes to sex. You weren't available, she was, he had sex with her. Selfish of him? Of course. A pathology? No.

You will never have a guarantee that you won't be cheated on again - by him or any man you are with. If he seems remorseful, ditch the therapy and get on with life.

It's not about sex. It's about lying in her face and making false promises. How easy is it to say " hey, long distance will not work for me. I love you and want to be with you but long distance is hard." Or something like this. He lied and then he did not even have the balls to confess before the wedding. Why?

He probably didn't confess because he loved her and wanted to get married to her! Telling her wouldn't accomplish anything and she may not understand where he was coming from at the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I have no idea if this is going to be helpful or crass or not. But just a thought - I think you and the therapist may be over thinking things. He cheated because having sex with people feels good, you weren't around, and he thought he was going to get away with it (and did until a vengeful other woman decided to ruin your life). Men do stupid things with their penis (women aren't perfect either). It's not like you were long time married and seemingly happy and have something deep to deconstruct. All in all, men are simple when it comes to sex. You weren't available, she was, he had sex with her. Selfish of him? Of course. A pathology? No.

You will never have a guarantee that you won't be cheated on again - by him or any man you are with. If he seems remorseful, ditch the therapy and get on with life.

PP here. I actually agree with the therapist. The OP is being asked to extend trust and have faith when both have been broken with no explaination. Saying fiance wanted sex and didn't think he would get caught as a viable excuse would not work for me. What about if OP stays with him and is pregnant. He won't be getting sex from her for several months and it may take a while to settle in post baby, can she expect if he isn't getting it at home he turns elsewhere? She travels for work. Should she assume he may do this again under not getting caught because she won't be around. I 100% understand the need for OP to have her husband understand why he did it and if the answer is easy sex/not getting caught to me I wouldn't want to stay. I honestly think it is more than that but he needs to do the hard work to figure out why and then the relationship can really rebuild.

[Anonymous]

Of course it's about lying. The PPs who are telling OP to "get over it" obviously cheated on their SOs at one time or another and are justifying it because it happened before they were married or living in the same house.

I feel your pain, OP. If you had an agreement with him that you would not see anyone else, even before you were engaged, then your DH (who was your boyfriend at the time) has cheated on you, and he continued to cheat even after you were engaged, which to my understanding usually means that you are NOT seeing anyone else! If your DH thinks he's been faithful because he's not slept with another woman (yet) since you've been married, he has an odd idea of what marriage and commitment means. He's going to cheat again, OP, I would bet money on that. He may be happy with you now, and he may be remorseful that he was caught, but I doubt he thought he did anything wrong, because he doesn't seem commitment the way you do.

Glad you've got some space this weekend and next week, OP. Just try to care for yourself and recognize you can't control him. Don't make any decisions right now, just keep moving forward. You need to understand your own contribution to this situation before you are able to fix your marriage or move on. You may have rationalized or overlooked red flags because you were in love with him -- examine your own behavior very closely. Best of luck to you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's not about sex. It's about lying in her face and making false promises. How easy is it to say " hey, long distance will not work for me. I love you and want to be with you but long distance is hard." Or something like this. He lied and then he did not even have the balls to confess before the wedding. Why?

He probably didn't confess because he loved her and wanted to get married to her! Telling her wouldn't accomplish anything and she may not understand where he was coming from at the time.

Of course, he did not confess because he loved her and wanted to marry her! Why did not he confess to the other woman that he was engaged or exclusive with somebody else? Probably because he loved her too! Right? I bet OP wanted to have sex as much as he did and probably should have tried to hook up with some of her old flames while telling him that all was well! But she did not. She loves him, wanted to marry him, asked to be exclusive and kept her promise. Obviously, there is no good explanation why he did and there are no guarantees with him. Yes, he is human and made a mistake or whatever. but now they are not on equal footing in the marriage and it's not good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your thoughts, truly. Thank you.

The first therapy session was helpful. It was a relief to say everything out loud as all I've done is pour it out here over the web. It was suggested that my husband pursue his own counseling, which he is, and that we wait to start marriage counseling until he has spent some time on himself. The counselor said it could be months before he gets to a place where he truly has figured out what led him to his actions, and until he may sort out what he needs to focus on changing and improving in his life and actions. I had thought we would begin couples counseling as soon as we could find a good counselor, and not wait potentially for a month, two months etc. I need to think about this because I feel that going sooner will help me feel more comfortable that steps are being taken, and it may help me figure out how to communicate with him during this time. I've mostly been avoiding, and he understands that. He has made it clear that he will talk or give me space at any time.

I have no idea how we get back to any semblance of normal life while we sort this out. He has respectfully been following my cues - if I come home late and go straight to bed, he won't ask to talk. If I knock on the guest room and want to talk he talks. We can't do this forever. I eventually have to have dinner with him again, sort through bills together. I just dont know how to do that. I despise living these separate lives down the hall from each other. But I also obviously am not ready to go back to regular life. For now I am leaning on distance. I'm at a hotel this weekend, and away on business most of next week. That will afford us some time to think and be alone. I selfishly want him to feel alone and aware of it every second I am away. Selfishly I want him to think about why he is alone and not spending a holiday weekend with his new wife, and what life would be like alone if I walk away.

It is just an awful and lonely time right now and I am so heartbroken.

OP, I have no idea if this is going to be helpful or crass or not. But just a thought - I think you and the therapist may be over thinking things. He cheated because having sex with people feels good, you weren't around, and he thought he was going to get away with it (and did until a vengeful other woman decided to ruin your life). Men do stupid things with their penis (women aren't perfect either). It's not like you were long time married and seemingly happy and have something deep to deconstruct. All in all, men are simple when it comes to sex. You weren't available, she was, he had sex with her. Selfish of him? Of course. A pathology? No.

You will never have a guarantee that you won't be cheated on again - by him or any man you are with. If he seems remorseful, ditch the therapy and get on with life.

Exactly. Except if the therapist gave this kind of advice no one would need her and would go out of business.

OP get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Move on!!!!!! Forgive. Discuss with your spouse how and why this won't happen again. You seem overky focused on your feelings. Have you thought about how your Husband feels since you won't forgive him?!?!

Yes, OP, don't be selfish. Forgive your poor, suffering husband. Think about his feelings. He did what he wanted to do and lied to you because that's what seemed the thing to do at the time. Focus your anger on the "other woman" who reported his lies to you. She doesn't have the right to feel unhappy and upset with him any more than you do.

[Anonymous]

OP, i would leave and spend no wasted time on this null marriage. Instead, work hard on staying in this city and build a new life for yourself. Something similar happened to a co-worker, she changed to her married name and couple months later she was back to her name. I liked her name better anyways! Off course we all wondered what happened to her marriage, but all we knew was she discovered that her husband had a "drinking problem"...no one will ever talk or second that decision. She went on being prettier, happier and got promotions.

Best of luck OP, you can do this!

[Anonymous]

As someone whose marriage survived and thrived after infidelity in a very similar scenario, I just want OP to know that she has received a lot of really, really terrible advice on this thread.

Infidelity is one of those things that a lot of people fear. As a result, most of the advice one receives from family/friends/DCUM is heavily influenced by defensive emotions. These emotions should not be confused with the reality of infidelity; how it happens, why it happens, will it repeat, etc. Actual research on infidelity shows that most marriages survive it and it usually isn't repeated; particularly in cases where the spouse is profoundly regretful and willing to do whatever it takes to heal the rift.

OP, at this stage in your recovery and healing you are deep into the humiliation and you are profoundly fearful of being hurt again. This is totally normal. Your fight or flight response has been triggered by the trauma, which is why you want nothing more than to run away.

However, these feelings may not reflect the reality of what really happened with your DH. You simply can't know at this point why he did what he did, whether he is a risk to repeat it, or how you will ultimately feel about it. (And, certainly, NO ONE on DCUM knows this either, despite the rampant and irresponsible speculation on this thread.)

If you ever truly loved your DH, my advice to you is to stay and fight! But, only for a time-limited period. What I mean by that is this, put a mark on your calendar on this day in 2016. By that date, you will have the information you need to decide what you should do. You will see by his actions how truly remorseful he is and whether he is willing to do what you need. You will know what your true feelings are about whether you can be happy in a marriage with this history. (You may surprise yourself!) You will also know that you gave your DH and your marriage a chance to succeed under difficult circumstances. If it doesn't, at least you can leave with your head held high knowing you did your best.

No person and no marriage is the sum of their best or worst moments. You have been very happy with this man too, or you would not have married him. There is a lot to lose by making a rash judgment. You need time to take a step back and look at the totality of the thing and to decide, with that knowledge, what you really want.

In the meantime, the poster who mentioned the online website, survivinginfidelity, and the poster who suggested the Not Just Friends book, gave you a great place to start. The counseling will help too. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You simply can't know at this point why he did what he did, whether he is a risk to repeat it, or how you will ultimately feel about it. (And, certainly, NO ONE on DCUM knows this either, despite the rampant and irresponsible speculation on this thread.)

If you ever truly loved your DH, my advice to you is to stay and fight! But, only for a time-limited period. What I mean by that is this, put a mark on your calendar on this day in 2016. By that date, you will have the information you need to decide what you should do. You will see by his actions how truly remorseful he is and whether he is willing to do what you need. You will know what your true feelings are about whether you can be happy in a marriage with this history. (You may surprise yourself!) You will also know that you gave your DH and your marriage a chance to succeed under difficult circumstances. If it doesn't, at least you can leave with your head held high knowing you did your best.

No person and no marriage is the sum of their best or worst moments. You have been very happy with this man too, or you would not have married him. There is a lot to lose by making a rash judgment. You need time to take a step back and look at the totality of the thing and to decide, with that knowledge, what you really want.

I'm one of the PP that agreed with the therapist. I agree with a lot of what you are saying. You don't know that because he cheated he will cheat again. But as humans with any sort of self-protection mechanisms we have to make judgements about things that may or may not be true based on actions. If someone texts me multiple times right after meeting me and seems to be picking out china pattens, could he just not have any game and be over eager because he really likes me. Very possible. Could this be a red flag of obsessive behaviors, might be. Without knowing motives, I'm going to assume the worst case to avoid getting hurt, literally. Could there be someone so skilled at deception but is obsessive and controlling that doesn't give off those red flags - yes. But again we try to make the best decision with the information we have at the time.

So putting myself in OP's situation I personally don't think I could stay with him without him understanding why and having him take steps to understand what is his trigger or how to work thru if a similar situation happens. Could he have remained absolutely faithful if this never came out? Possibly. But if his reason had to do with something that could happen again, or an unresolved issue in his past, I would think there are high odds it would happen again. When couples talk about surviving infidelity and having a stronger relationship than ever, I assume that something changed and it wasn't simply the act of perserverance that made it stronger but a distinct change in behavior by one or both parties or perhaps self-realizations about whatever it was that was going on. Maybe OP is different in what she needs. I am hoping OP can work out but I am also not one that would recommend blindly staying for the sake of staying either. Just as it is human nature to want to protect yourself in a fight or flight situation, I think it is very easy for someone to take another person for granted if the other person allows it. If OP's husband knew she would stay regardless, why would he be motivated to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: You simply can't know at this point why he did what he did, whether he is a risk to repeat it, or how you will ultimately feel about it. (And, certainly, NO ONE on DCUM knows this either, despite the rampant and irresponsible speculation on this thread.)

If you ever truly loved your DH, my advice to you is to stay and fight! But, only for a time-limited period. What I mean by that is this, put a mark on your calendar on this day in 2016. By that date, you will have the information you need to decide what you should do. You will see by his actions how truly remorseful he is and whether he is willing to do what you need. You will know what your true feelings are about whether you can be happy in a marriage with this history. (You may surprise yourself!) You will also know that you gave your DH and your marriage a chance to succeed under difficult circumstances. If it doesn't, at least you can leave with your head held high knowing you did your best.

No person and no marriage is the sum of their best or worst moments. You have been very happy with this man too, or you would not have married him. There is a lot to lose by making a rash judgment. You need time to take a step back and look at the totality of the thing and to decide, with that knowledge, what you really want.

I'm one of the PP that agreed with the therapist. I agree with a lot of what you are saying. You don't know that because he cheated he will cheat again. But as humans with any sort of self-protection mechanisms we have to make judgements about things that may or may not be true based on actions. If someone texts me multiple times right after meeting me and seems to be picking out china pattens, could he just not have any game and be over eager because he really likes me. Very possible. Could this be a red flag of obsessive behaviors, might be. Without knowing motives, I'm going to assume the worst case to avoid getting hurt, literally. Could there be someone so skilled at deception but is obsessive and controlling that doesn't give off those red flags - yes. But again we try to make the best decision with the information we have at the time.

So putting myself in OP's situation I personally don't think I could stay with him without him understanding why and having him take steps to understand what is his trigger or how to work thru if a similar situation happens. Could he have remained absolutely faithful if this never came out? Possibly. But if his reason had to do with something that could happen again, or an unresolved issue in his past, I would think there are high odds it would happen again. When couples talk about surviving infidelity and having a stronger relationship than ever, I assume that something changed and it wasn't simply the act of perserverance that made it stronger but a distinct change in behavior by one or both parties or perhaps self-realizations about whatever it was that was going on. Maybe OP is different in what she needs. I am hoping OP can work out but I am also not one that would recommend blindly staying for the sake of staying either. Just as it is human nature to want to protect yourself in a fight or flight situation, I think it is very easy for someone to take another person for granted if the other person allows it. If OP's husband knew she would stay regardless, why would he be motivated to change.

I'm not interested in getting in a tit-for-tat discussion. But, for OP's sake, I will say that pp is speculating about how s/he thinks s/he might feel in this situation. What s/he thinks s/he might do or feel is completely irrelevant since pp has not actually BTDT. I am talking about something that actually happened to me, and to other people I now know, and what we learned from that experience. At one point in my life I would have sworn I would never stay with someone who had been unfaithful, as pp swears now. My perspective is different (ten years into my marriage), as it was on our first anniversary, one year after I got the bad news. There's no harm in staying for a year and giving it a chance. Some people do leave. Others stay. OTOH, if OP leaves without giving herself and him time to process and resolve this, she could regret it for the rest of her life.

[Anonymous]

How are you doing, OP? Thinking about you and hoping you're managing ok.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It is kind of you to check in. After years of replying and advising others on their posts, it is helpful for me to read through replies on my own (sad sack) thread.

I've been OK. Staying busy with work, biz travel, working out, seeing friends. I've been reading a lot of online articles and forums, and books on infidelity. And I have been trying to balance time alone, with my thoughts, and being social and active, too.

My husband and I have been interacting a little more. We have had a few conversations - about therapy, my conflicting feelings on staying vs. going, why he thinks he may have done what he did. They have been honest, tearful conversations, and he is being respectful with me -- talking if I want to talk, giving me space if I do not. I have spent some time at home this weekend, but made plans with friends to be away a bit too. I am not totally comfortable at home, and with him still. On his end, He has closed his old email account and changed his cell phone number, and has offered me complete access to his phone, email, etc. when I may wish to access it. He daily confirms how terrible he feels and how he is deeply regretful and ashamed of himself and what he is done to me. He daily states he loves only me and wants only me in his future. I do believe him, but it is not enough for me to make a decision right now. I need more time with my feelings before I decide what to do. And if I do stay and see if things can be repaired, I know and he knows, it doesn't mean I won't decide to leave at some point. I just am not sure if this is something ii can recover from, and I need more time to decide.

I've had two therapy sessions and have another one scheduled for this week. My husband has also had a few sessions, and has been reading books on infidelity - a few that cover the angles from all sides (how to recover from being the unfaithful party, and how to support the person you betrayed). We have our first couples counseling session next week.

I have, since all this has happened, become hyper aware of how incredibly common infidelity is. It of course does not change my perception of what is right or wrong, but has made me see how many people I know, we know, have been or are actively unfaithful. It's pretty sad, but on some level it is "nice" knowing my situation is not unique.

[Anonymous]

dcguy wrote:OP, you have my sympathies. I don't have any advice but i will post a few things to think about:

1. There is no one 'right' answer on staying versus going. Only time will help you sort out your feelings and guide you in the right direction

2. The anguish will fade over time, thankfully.

3. On feeling like you need 'unfettered' access to his texts/emails and asking him to delete contacts: that only provides a very short term (and false) sense of control for you. Ultimately you have to trust him because the impulse to cheat will not go away just because an email account was deleted.

I am really sorry you are going through this. Hang in there.

+1

[Anonymous]

To the OP, did he cheat once you were in the same city or did he cheat while you were married, or was all the cheating while you were separated?

[Anonymous]

I think counseling is in order, but not divorce. If I understand correctly, he didnt cheat while they were married. i think its a big difference between cheating while married, and cheating while living in separate cities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think counseling is in order, but not divorce. If I understand correctly, he didnt cheat while they were married. i think its a big difference between cheating while married, and cheating while living in separate cities.

OP here. He cheated before we were married, during our engagement. We lived in separate states for much of this time, before moving to a new state and living together for several months before we married. The physical/emotional relationship he had with an ex stopped once we relocated. He did continue to trade flirty texts/pics with a different old flame however during the time we were cohabitating/engaged, before our wedding. He claims he knew this was all wrong and ended everything before we married, and I've seen the emails to prove it ended with each of these people. The fact is he cheated and was deceitful. I get it how some say "if it was before marriage, then it doesn't count, not a big deal." But my obvious concern is that this will continue, sometime, sooner or later, because if he did before, and almost got away with it, why wouldn't he do it again? This is what we're each working out with our counselors alone, and I imagine will tackle when we start couples counseling.