In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

Good luck OP. My opinion is that a good person can make a mistake so you have your work cut out for you. Mentioned how common infidelity is. I don't believe its common in terms of look out your window and its every 2nd or 3rd house, but I do think it happens more often than people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a very decent and sensible person. I'm sort you are going through this. Trust your gut and RUN fast.

This. Once a cheater always a cheater. Thank god she called you and you do not have kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound like a very decent and sensible person. I'm sort you are going through this. Trust your gut and RUN fast.

This. Once a cheater always a cheater. Thank god she called you and you do not have kids with him.

I have to agree. Run OP. You seem like an amazing person. You don't deserve this.

[Anonymous]

Op what did you decide to do?

[Anonymous]

OP here. It has almost been a month since I found out he cheated during our engagement, but I have not yet made a decision of whether to stay or divorce. I have agreed to go to marriage counseling, which we just started on a weekly basis. My hope is that the counseling will help in the interim period, and will also help me make a decision. He is also going to individual counseling, sometimes x2 a week.

He's doing all of the "right" things - counseling, reading books, providing complete transparency, daily stating his regret in hurting me and love for me. He gives me space when I need it (most of the time), he talks whenever I want to. We're still sleeping apart and I'm still spending most of my time at home alone, by choice. At the encouragement of our marriage counselor, I tried to spend some time with him this past weekend. We ran a few errands, took a walk, watched a TV show together. But it was a little overwhelming and felt both too normal and too strained, if that makes sense, and I've withdrawn again, which right now, feels safer. The shock and numbness has worn off, and I've accepted that he has done what he has done. I'm equally angry and heartbroken. I'm just not ready to either walk away completely or move into being fully committed to try to reconcile. The limbo is pretty awful, but I know as uncomfortable as it is, a rash decision, one way or another, would be a poor choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It has almost been a month since I found out he cheated during our engagement, but I have not yet made a decision of whether to stay or divorce. I have agreed to go to marriage counseling, which we just started on a weekly basis. My hope is that the counseling will help in the interim period, and will also help me make a decision. He is also going to individual counseling, sometimes x2 a week.

He's doing all of the "right" things - counseling, reading books, providing complete transparency, daily stating his regret in hurting me and love for me. He gives me space when I need it (most of the time), he talks whenever I want to. We're still sleeping apart and I'm still spending most of my time at home alone, by choice. At the encouragement of our marriage counselor, I tried to spend some time with him this past weekend. We ran a few errands, took a walk, watched a TV show together. But it was a little overwhelming and felt both too normal and too strained, if that makes sense, and I've withdrawn again, which right now, feels safer. The shock and numbness has worn off, and I've accepted that he has done what he has done. I'm equally angry and heartbroken. I'm just not ready to either walk away completely or move into being fully committed to try to reconcile. The limbo is pretty awful, but I know as uncomfortable as it is, a rash decision, one way or another, would be a poor choice.

OP, as someone who was shocked by a somewhat similar discovery after many years of marriage, I think you're doing all the right things. Time will provide more clarity on the situation, what you need and what is best for you, and I think waiting to make a decision to stay or go is a very wise thing to do. I am very glad your husband seems to be doing the right things in response to this situation (mine did very little of what you describe), and I think that bodes well. About 6 months after discovery in my marriage I decided I could not remain in the marriage, which I firmly believe is the best decision in my situation, but I know of others who have stayed in their marriages when they could see they could progress toward a healthy situation in which they felt safe.

I know this is a really, really hard and anxious time for you, and I wish you the best moving forward. I know you're reluctant to do so, but I again want to urge you to reach out to someone in your life for support (beyond your therapist) so that you don't feel so alone in this. And please remember this: no matter what, you will be ok.

[Anonymous]

PP from above, and I wanted to add: the limbo IS awful. Totally fucking awful. The question of whether to stay or go was a constant thought for me, even as I was doing everything in my power to making staying a reasonable option (individual counseling, couples counseling, forgiveness, empathy, moving past the anger, etc.). That limbo was god awful. Necessary though (as you noted) to really see the complete picture and make good decisions. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd care if this stuff happened before we were together and it wasn't happening now. I'm glad you didn't make any rash decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It has almost been a month since I found out he cheated during our engagement, but I have not yet made a decision of whether to stay or divorce. I have agreed to go to marriage counseling, which we just started on a weekly basis. My hope is that the counseling will help in the interim period, and will also help me make a decision. He is also going to individual counseling, sometimes x2 a week.

He's doing all of the "right" things - counseling, reading books, providing complete transparency, daily stating his regret in hurting me and love for me. He gives me space when I need it (most of the time), he talks whenever I want to. We're still sleeping apart and I'm still spending most of my time at home alone, by choice. At the encouragement of our marriage counselor, I tried to spend some time with him this past weekend. We ran a few errands, took a walk, watched a TV show together. But it was a little overwhelming and felt both too normal and too strained, if that makes sense, and I've withdrawn again, which right now, feels safer. The shock and numbness has worn off, and I've accepted that he has done what he has done. I'm equally angry and heartbroken. I'm just not ready to either walk away completely or move into being fully committed to try to reconcile. The limbo is pretty awful, but I know as uncomfortable as it is, a rash decision, one way or another, would be a poor choice.

OP, as someone who was shocked by a somewhat similar discovery after many years of marriage, I think you're doing all the right things. Time will provide more clarity on the situation, what you need and what is best for you, and I think waiting to make a decision to stay or go is a very wise thing to do. I am very glad your husband seems to be doing the right things in response to this situation (mine did very little of what you describe), and I think that bodes well. About 6 months after discovery in my marriage I decided I could not remain in the marriage, which I firmly believe is the best decision in my situation, but I know of others who have stayed in their marriages when they could see they could progress toward a healthy situation in which they felt safe.

I know this is a really, really hard and anxious time for you, and I wish you the best moving forward. I know you're reluctant to do so, but I again want to urge you to reach out to someone in your life for support (beyond your therapist) so that you don't feel so alone in this. And please remember this: no matter what, you will be ok.

+1 Sounds like you are both on a great path to reconciling. I wish the best for you OP. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't think I could get past the fact that he was still screwing around at the same time he was proposing to you, right? Why did he ask you to marry him if he was enjoying a life where he dates around?

This.

he is not an honest person-in any way. Sorry- but this is not a personality attribute that changes. Ever. Deal with it now and cut your losses while you are young.

I am so sorry to respond so late to this thread ... I have not had time to read through it all yet, but I feel compelled to respond right now to this post. I am currently going through a traumatic revelation about my own husband's dishonesty. The important difference is that we have been married 30 years. No, this is not the first time I have learned he is a dishonest person. That fact was revealed to me many times over the years and I looked the other way because I did not want it to be true. I basically gave him permission to continue his dishonesty because each time he was caught in a lie (which before now was never about another woman), I was hurt and angry but then got over it. I told myself things like "nobody's is perfect" and "at least it is not about another woman" and "now that I have clearly told him how hurtful this is, he will surely change."

Someone who gives himself permission to be blatantly dishonest to you for his own convenience will do so again and again and again. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had and move on NOW!!! Otherwise you are just postponing the misery and allowing the complications of leaving to grow exponentially over time. Oh how I wish I had left when I was young ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I don't think I could get past the fact that he was still screwing around at the same time he was proposing to you, right? Why did he ask you to marry him if he was enjoying a life where he dates around?

This.

he is not an honest person-in any way. Sorry- but this is not a personality attribute that changes. Ever. Deal with it now and cut your losses while you are young.

I am so sorry to respond so late to this thread ... I have not had time to read through it all yet, but I feel compelled to respond right now to this post. I am currently going through a traumatic revelation about my own husband's dishonesty. The important difference is that we have been married 30 years. No, this is not the first time I have learned he is a dishonest person. That fact was revealed to me many times over the years and I looked the other way because I did not want it to be true. I basically gave him permission to continue his dishonesty because each time he was caught in a lie (which before now was never about another woman), I was hurt and angry but then got over it. I told myself things like "nobody's is perfect" and "at least it is not about another woman" and "now that I have clearly told him how hurtful this is, he will surely change."

Someone who gives himself permission to be blatantly dishonest to you for his own convenience will do so again and again and again. Grieve the loss of what you thought you had and move on NOW!!! Otherwise you are just postponing the misery and allowing the complications of leaving to grow exponentially over time. Oh how I wish I had left when I was young ...

I didn't write this, but I agree -- dishonesty is often repeated. As women, we are pressured culturally to forgive, reconcile and reminded often of our own inadequacies and imperfections. I would be very careful to look at patterns, OP.

In retrospect, one thing I wish I'd done during the reconciliation process after cheating was to negotiate a post-nuptial agreement. It seems weird to negotiate your separation while you're trying to reconcile, but I believe it would have given me a much bigger sense of safety and I believe it would have made my now exDH understand much more clearly just what he was going to lose and how capable I was of leaving him.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This is good food for thought. As I am considering both options, to stay and to leave, I have been doing a lot of research, and post-nuptial agreements is an area I have looked into. Specifically, they can be structured with an "infidelity clause," so if one party is unfaithful (again), it is documented what the financial and legal stipulations are in a divorce proceeding.

In discussion with my husband and him asking what would make me feel better about trying to reconcile, I told him about the documents and clause. I said that if I stayed and we tried to move forward in the marriage, that a smart move might be to structure an agreement. A clause could be included so that, the betrayed spouse, were infidelity to reoccur, would receive, for example, 75% of the wayward spouse's retirement accounts/joint savings and assets, along with alimony. I told him this could work both ways and if I cheated on him (which aside, I would never do, but showing the equal fairness of the contract) he would be eligible to 75% of my retirement accounts/joint savings and assets, plus alimony. We make about the same salary and have similar earning potential, so there isn't a potential imbalance here.

While this on the surface seems like a good piece of insurance, something else other than one's conscience to push them to be faithful...I also think that if I feel the need to have such a contract in my marriage to help "keep him in line" that it's a pretty crap sign about the trust I (one day) may have in him. I shouldn't feel the need to put a contract on our marriage to reinforce that he stays trustworthy. Yet, he's completely screwed up my trust and safety I felt in him and our marriage, so I guess this option might be a good one.

[Anonymous]

OP - money isn't going to be the hammer you think it is. While a post-nuptial document may give you some peace of mind, it's not a fail-safe from infidelity.

At the end of the day, you need to figure out if you're willing to trust him again and whether or not you want to put in the effort to trust him again and wade through a time where there is a lack of trust.

For me personally, I knew that I was unlikely to trust him again and didn't want to live a life where I needed to check up on him in order to reassure myself that he wasn't cheating. The very idea of that was exhausting to me. This may be different for you and you may not come to the same conclusion.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope it works out for you. Meanwhile, please double up on birth control.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Is the key issue for you that he was dishonest? Or is the key issue what he was dishonest about? I am poster 9:30, and I can tell you that I spent a lot of time justifying his dishonesty as being "not so bad" because of the content of the lies. The lies that I knew about that is.

During the long years of a marriage, there will be many, many times when he will have to choose to be honest even though it might be easier, more comfortable, and convenient for him to be dishonest. It won't necessarily always be about infidelity, although I agree that is the worst instance. In fact, my own husband (please note I do not use the term DH anymore!) always rationalized his untruths because they were not about infidelity and thus were not a big deal.

Honesty is not just an absence of lies ... it is about openness and emotional intimacy. Remember that your new spouse didn't just lie one time ... his actions reflect a series of many lies and to multiple people. This does not make him evil and horrible ... he no doubt has many wonderful, admirable qualities. Being emotionally trustworthy just doesn't happen to be one of them.