Reply to In shock - he cheated

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous] [b]You simply can't know at this point why he did what he did, whether he is a risk to repeat it, or how you will ultimately feel about it. (And, certainly, NO ONE on DCUM knows this either, despite the rampant and irresponsible speculation on this thread.) [/b]

If you ever truly loved your DH, my advice to you is to stay and fight! But, only for a time-limited period. What I mean by that is this, put a mark on your calendar on this day in 2016. By that date, you will have the information you need to decide what you should do. You will see by his actions how truly remorseful he is and whether he is willing to do what you need. You will know what your true feelings are about whether you can be happy in a marriage with this history. (You may surprise yourself!)  You will also know that you gave your DH and your marriage a chance to succeed under difficult circumstances. If it doesn't, at least you can leave with your head held high knowing you did your best.

No person and no marriage is the sum of their best or worst moments. You have been very happy with this man too, or you would not have married him. There is a lot to lose by making a rash judgment. You need time to take a step back and look at the totality of the thing and to decide, with that knowledge, what you really want. 
 [/quote]

I'm one of the PP that agreed with the therapist.  I agree with a lot of what you are saying.  You don't know that because he cheated he will cheat again. But as humans with any sort of self-protection mechanisms we have to make judgements about things that may or may not be true based on actions.  If someone texts me multiple times right after meeting me and seems to be picking out china pattens, could he just not have any game and be over eager because he really likes me.  Very possible.  Could this be a red flag of obsessive behaviors, might be.  Without knowing motives, I'm going to assume the worst case to avoid getting hurt, literally.  Could there be someone so skilled at deception but is obsessive and controlling that doesn't give off those red flags - yes.  But again we try to make the best decision with the information we have at the time.

So putting myself in OP's situation I personally don't think I could stay with him without him understanding why and having him take steps to understand what is his trigger or how to work thru if a similar situation happens.  Could he have remained absolutely faithful if this never came out?  Possibly.  But if his reason had to do with something that could happen again, or an unresolved issue in his past, I would think there are high odds it would happen again.  When couples talk about surviving infidelity and having a stronger relationship than ever, I assume that something changed and it wasn't simply the act of perserverance that made it stronger but a distinct change in behavior by one or both parties or perhaps self-realizations about whatever it was that was going on.  Maybe OP is different in what she needs.  I am hoping OP can work out but I am also not one that would recommend blindly staying for the sake of staying either.  Just as it is human nature to want to protect yourself in a fight or flight situation, I think it is very easy for someone to take another person for granted if the other person allows it.  If OP's husband knew she would stay regardless, why would he be motivated to change.[/quote]

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