In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

OP, wishing you the best whatever you decide. From what you said about your DH "not thinking the relationship was real", I wonder if he has an issue with being vulnerable, putting his trust in you and communicating. It sounds like he wanted to hedge his bets and if you broke up he didn't want to feel like he had given up something while waiting for you but didn't want to be honest with you because he may have lost you. If that is the case, I hope that you get to the point that he is willing to put you first and when you get to the things where you have differing opinions that he is willing to communicate with you and work things out.

BTW, don't let the fact that you just got married sway you. Whatever foundation you have for your marriage once you add stress like job or financial issues, ,infertility, a young baby, a child with a learning issue, sickness etc, a sick parentt etc. any cracks that may be there will only widen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is different, if there was an agreement (not assumption of exclusivity because of the proposal, however much sense it makes).

But OP's anguish is painful just to read about. The fact that she idelizes her relationship so much is indicative of some other issue. I hope the therapy will be helpful, and this mental anguish will stop.

Even agreeing that OP's husband is a bastard, I feel sorry for him just thinking about all the conversations about their relationship he'll have to endure after OP reads her books on infidelity. There's a risk he'll run away just from that. Makes me miss good old times when people endured, prayed, and forgave.

Why does she have to endure? Is it a requirement? He lied to her and did not take the commitment to her seriously. He thought only about himself during this time. He did it in the beginning of the relationship. What will happen after 20 years of marriage and kids? She does not have to endure anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is different, if there was an agreement (not assumption of exclusivity because of the proposal, however much sense it makes).

But OP's anguish is painful just to read about. The fact that she idelizes her relationship so much is indicative of some other issue. I hope the therapy will be helpful, and this mental anguish will stop.

Even agreeing that OP's husband is a bastard, I feel sorry for him just thinking about all the conversations about their relationship he'll have to endure after OP reads her books on infidelity. There's a risk he'll run away just from that. Makes me miss good old times when people endured, prayed, and forgave.

Why does she have to endure? Is it a requirement? He lied to her and did not take the commitment to her seriously. He thought only about himself during this time. He did it in the beginning of the relationship. What will happen after 20 years of marriage and kids? She does not have to endure anything.

Where do you read she has to endure anything? Odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is different, if there was an agreement (not assumption of exclusivity because of the proposal, however much sense it makes).

But OP's anguish is painful just to read about. The fact that she idelizes her relationship so much is indicative of some other issue. I hope the therapy will be helpful, and this mental anguish will stop.

Even agreeing that OP's husband is a bastard, I feel sorry for him just thinking about all the conversations about their relationship he'll have to endure after OP reads her books on infidelity. There's a risk he'll run away just from that. Makes me miss good old times when people endured, prayed, and forgave.

Why does she have to endure? Is it a requirement? He lied to her and did not take the commitment to her seriously. He thought only about himself during this time. He did it in the beginning of the relationship. What will happen after 20 years of marriage and kids? She does not have to endure anything.

Where do you read she has to endure anything? Odd.

He'll have to endure? That's fucked up. Plenty of men out there who aren't as broken inside. OP doesn't have to stick around for him to fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It absolutely is the norm to promote disclosure when treating both patients for infidelity. It would be a major ethical violation for a therapist to present him/herself as "treating" a couple and facilitate one party hiding information from the other. Of course, the therapist is legally obliged not to reveal information gained in therapy from one party to another party without permission.

Key word here is couples therapy and the key premise is treating the patients for infidelity.

As I said, there are different circumstances dictating different approaches. I also said that if a person has ended an affair and is in individual therapy many will not encourage a confession unless the situation requires it. STD's, a child born from the affair...things like that.

I will restate "And there is no one size fits all so this isn't by any stretch an absolute. There are so many variables to be considered."

[Anonymous]

What it will boil down to is that OP now knows her new husband is a very good liar, and that he operates with a different set of rules than she does. He lied to her and to at least one other woman over and over. He's very good at what he does. She had no idea he was so good at lying and leading a double life. So how does she ever trust that he won't do it again? He's not some 20 year old who got himself in a mess and didn't handle it well. He's in his 40s, and this is just who he is and how he operates. He will rationalize whatever he does in future, and skillfully lie and hide what he does. OP will never be able to trust him.

I have, unfortunately, extensive experience with this kind of thing. Don't beat yourself up because he did this to you. As an honest, decent person, it's outside your experience and way of thinking that someone could do this, all the while professing their love and commitment to you. You are just beginning to know him. He's obviously very skilled at lying and hiding things, having fooled at least you and another woman for years. You've invested a lot in him at this point, but you don't have kids yet, and frankly, I think you should cut and run now. It's horrible living without trust.

[Anonymous]

I did the LDR thing and it SUCKS. I think all bets are off until you are married, so I wouldn't care and I'd think the other woman was a nut and I'd tell her to back away from google.

As time goes by, I love my DH more and care about his past less, especially before we were in the same city and married.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP- I would turn vicious on that nasty woman who had no reason to ruin your marriage with the information. Your DH sounds like he wants a second chance. I would give it to him. But let it be known that's the last chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it is different, if there was an agreement (not assumption of exclusivity because of the proposal, however much sense it makes).

But OP's anguish is painful just to read about. The fact that she idelizes her relationship so much is indicative of some other issue. I hope the therapy will be helpful, and this mental anguish will stop.

Even agreeing that OP's husband is a bastard, I feel sorry for him just thinking about all the conversations about their relationship he'll have to endure after OP reads her books on infidelity. There's a risk he'll run away just from that. Makes me miss good old times when people endured, prayed, and forgave.

Why does she have to endure? Is it a requirement? He lied to her and did not take the commitment to her seriously. He thought only about himself during this time. He did it in the beginning of the relationship. What will happen after 20 years of marriage and kids? She does not have to endure anything.

I don't think the "good old times" were very good for the spouse who endured. Maybe it looked that way on the outside but it could have been a living hell inside the home. Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

OP, how did therapy go? Was it helpful? Sending positive, restful thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how did therapy go? Was it helpful? Sending positive, restful thoughts.

I was thinking of the OP this afternoon too.

OP, I hope you're checked into a hotel with decent room service and that there is a marathon of something delightfully mindless on TV!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate your thoughts, truly. Thank you.

The first therapy session was helpful. It was a relief to say everything out loud as all I've done is pour it out here over the web. It was suggested that my husband pursue his own counseling, which he is, and that we wait to start marriage counseling until he has spent some time on himself. The counselor said it could be months before he gets to a place where he truly has figured out what led him to his actions, and until he may sort out what he needs to focus on changing and improving in his life and actions. I had thought we would begin couples counseling as soon as we could find a good counselor, and not wait potentially for a month, two months etc. I need to think about this because I feel that going sooner will help me feel more comfortable that steps are being taken, and it may help me figure out how to communicate with him during this time. I've mostly been avoiding, and he understands that. He has made it clear that he will talk or give me space at any time.

I have no idea how we get back to any semblance of normal life while we sort this out. He has respectfully been following my cues - if I come home late and go straight to bed, he won't ask to talk. If I knock on the guest room and want to talk he talks. We can't do this forever. I eventually have to have dinner with him again, sort through bills together. I just dont know how to do that. I despise living these separate lives down the hall from each other. But I also obviously am not ready to go back to regular life. For now I am leaning on distance. I'm at a hotel this weekend, and away on business most of next week. That will afford us some time to think and be alone. I selfishly want him to feel alone and aware of it every second I am away. Selfishly I want him to think about why he is alone and not spending a holiday weekend with his new wife, and what life would be like alone if I walk away.

It is just an awful and lonely time right now and I am so heartbroken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your thoughts, truly. Thank you.

The first therapy session was helpful. It was a relief to say everything out loud as all I've done is pour it out here over the web. It was suggested that my husband pursue his own counseling, which he is, and that we wait to start marriage counseling until he has spent some time on himself. The counselor said it could be months before he gets to a place where he truly has figured out what led him to his actions, and until he may sort out what he needs to focus on changing and improving in his life and actions. I had thought we would begin couples counseling as soon as we could find a good counselor, and not wait potentially for a month, two months etc. I need to think about this because I feel that going sooner will help me feel more comfortable that steps are being taken, and it may help me figure out how to communicate with him during this time. I've mostly been avoiding, and he understands that. He has made it clear that he will talk or give me space at any time.

I have no idea how we get back to any semblance of normal life while we sort this out. He has respectfully been following my cues - if I come home late and go straight to bed, he won't ask to talk. If I knock on the guest room and want to talk he talks. We can't do this forever. I eventually have to have dinner with him again, sort through bills together. I just dont know how to do that. I despise living these separate lives down the hall from each other. But I also obviously am not ready to go back to regular life. For now I am leaning on distance. I'm at a hotel this weekend, and away on business most of next week. That will afford us some time to think and be alone. I selfishly want him to feel alone and aware of it every second I am away. Selfishly I want him to think about why he is alone and not spending a holiday weekend with his new wife, and what life would be like alone if I walk away.

It is just an awful and lonely time right now and I am so heartbroken.

OP, I have no idea if this is going to be helpful or crass or not. But just a thought - I think you and the therapist may be over thinking things. He cheated because having sex with people feels good, you weren't around, and he thought he was going to get away with it (and did until a vengeful other woman decided to ruin your life). Men do stupid things with their penis (women aren't perfect either). It's not like you were long time married and seemingly happy and have something deep to deconstruct. All in all, men are simple when it comes to sex. You weren't available, she was, he had sex with her. Selfish of him? Of course. A pathology? No.

You will never have a guarantee that you won't be cheated on again - by him or any man you are with. If he seems remorseful, ditch the therapy and get on with life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your thoughts, truly. Thank you.

The first therapy session was helpful. It was a relief to say everything out loud as all I've done is pour it out here over the web. It was suggested that my husband pursue his own counseling, which he is, and that we wait to start marriage counseling until he has spent some time on himself. The counselor said it could be months before he gets to a place where he truly has figured out what led him to his actions, and until he may sort out what he needs to focus on changing and improving in his life and actions. I had thought we would begin couples counseling as soon as we could find a good counselor, and not wait potentially for a month, two months etc. I need to think about this because I feel that going sooner will help me feel more comfortable that steps are being taken, and it may help me figure out how to communicate with him during this time. I've mostly been avoiding, and he understands that. He has made it clear that he will talk or give me space at any time.

I have no idea how we get back to any semblance of normal life while we sort this out. He has respectfully been following my cues - if I come home late and go straight to bed, he won't ask to talk. If I knock on the guest room and want to talk he talks. We can't do this forever. I eventually have to have dinner with him again, sort through bills together. I just dont know how to do that. I despise living these separate lives down the hall from each other. But I also obviously am not ready to go back to regular life. For now I am leaning on distance. I'm at a hotel this weekend, and away on business most of next week. That will afford us some time to think and be alone. I selfishly want him to feel alone and aware of it every second I am away. Selfishly I want him to think about why he is alone and not spending a holiday weekend with his new wife, and what life would be like alone if I walk away.

It is just an awful and lonely time right now and I am so heartbroken.

OP, I have no idea if this is going to be helpful or crass or not. But just a thought - I think you and the therapist may be over thinking things. He cheated because having sex with people feels good, you weren't around, and he thought he was going to get away with it (and did until a vengeful other woman decided to ruin your life). Men do stupid things with their penis (women aren't perfect either). It's not like you were long time married and seemingly happy and have something deep to deconstruct. All in all, men are simple when it comes to sex. You weren't available, she was, he had sex with her. Selfish of him? Of course. A pathology? No.

You will never have a guarantee that you won't be cheated on again - by him or any man you are with. If he seems remorseful, ditch the therapy and get on with life.

Exactly. Except if the therapist gave this kind of advice no one would need her and would go out of business.

OP get over it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Move on!!!!!! Forgive. Discuss with your spouse how and why this won't happen again. You seem overky focused on your feelings. Have you thought about how your Husband feels since you won't forgive him?!?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your thoughts, truly. Thank you.

The first therapy session was helpful. It was a relief to say everything out loud as all I've done is pour it out here over the web. It was suggested that my husband pursue his own counseling, which he is, and that we wait to start marriage counseling until he has spent some time on himself. The counselor said it could be months before he gets to a place where he truly has figured out what led him to his actions, and until he may sort out what he needs to focus on changing and improving in his life and actions. I had thought we would begin couples counseling as soon as we could find a good counselor, and not wait potentially for a month, two months etc. I need to think about this because I feel that going sooner will help me feel more comfortable that steps are being taken, and it may help me figure out how to communicate with him during this time. I've mostly been avoiding, and he understands that. He has made it clear that he will talk or give me space at any time.

I have no idea how we get back to any semblance of normal life while we sort this out. He has respectfully been following my cues - if I come home late and go straight to bed, he won't ask to talk. If I knock on the guest room and want to talk he talks. We can't do this forever. I eventually have to have dinner with him again, sort through bills together. I just dont know how to do that. I despise living these separate lives down the hall from each other. But I also obviously am not ready to go back to regular life. For now I am leaning on distance. I'm at a hotel this weekend, and away on business most of next week. That will afford us some time to think and be alone. I selfishly want him to feel alone and aware of it every second I am away. Selfishly I want him to think about why he is alone and not spending a holiday weekend with his new wife, and what life would be like alone if I walk away.

It is just an awful and lonely time right now and I am so heartbroken.

OP, I have no idea if this is going to be helpful or crass or not. But just a thought - I think you and the therapist may be over thinking things. He cheated because having sex with people feels good, you weren't around, and he thought he was going to get away with it (and did until a vengeful other woman decided to ruin your life). Men do stupid things with their penis (women aren't perfect either). It's not like you were long time married and seemingly happy and have something deep to deconstruct. All in all, men are simple when it comes to sex. You weren't available, she was, he had sex with her. Selfish of him? Of course. A pathology? No.

You will never have a guarantee that you won't be cheated on again - by him or any man you are with. If he seems remorseful, ditch the therapy and get on with life.

It's not about sex. It's about lying in her face and making false promises. How easy is it to say " hey, long distance will not work for me. I love you and want to be with you but long distance is hard." Or something like this. He lied and then he did not even have the balls to confess before the wedding. Why?