In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again for your insightful comments. I am too ashamed to talk to any of my friends or family, and this board is helping me keep it together during work today. So thank you.

Like everyone who winds up in these awful shoes you never in a million years thought you'd be in, I just honestly never, ever saw it coming. In my eyes, at least, we'd never be the ones to have our marriage dissolve, period. We're the ones counseling the friends who go through this stuff. We're just not "that" couple. Except now we are, apparently.

I am not sure if the other woman had a motivation. She claims she had no idea I existed, and felt the need to tell me once she learned he was married because she would want to know. She says she does not want him, has not been in touch with him, and has moved on. Because of how honest I feel she was in her message, I do want to believe her. Sure, she probably feels hurt and wronged that he ended it. So motivation to get some revenge is likely there too. I actually feel sorry for her. But I also have thought many times over the last 24 hours that I wish she had never told me. Maybe it is best I know, in the long run. But I would give anything to turn back the clock one day and not open those emails.

I don't know how someone moves forward and stays, or how it goes back to being how it used to be. I feel like I would second guess everything that comes out of his mouth. We both have demanding jobs with long hours. I travel frequently for work. Will I always wonder if he is being faithful when I am on business trips? Or when he is doing emails on a Saturday morning? Or when he's reading through his texts next to me in bed? This is such a shit show.

[Anonymous]

You need time to process. That is clear. So allow for that. But I do feel like you are already coming up with lots of reasons to justify why you won't ultimately break it off. You have no perspective right now, but not wanting to deal with some paperwork is NOT a good enough reason to stay married to someone who has betrayed you. And while deciding where you live is obviously vitally important, I'm not sure why you'd feel obliged to stay in your "new city" where you say you moved only because of your husband's job, where you don't have many friends, history, etc. Take time. Confide in someone you trust. Talk to a therapist. My gut sense is this man of yours will not change and your in for a lifetime of infidelity, but what do I know? Definitely put the babymaking on hold. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Who else in HIS life likely knew he was cheating on you? Did the OW hang out with him and his friends? Was she ever at his house when the two of you talked? These are the things that would drive me mad to think about. I'm sorry you just went through the pomp and circumstance of a wedding but that not enough to stay. Please don't allow pride to rule you because you might outwardly keep some semblance of pride but internally you'll carry around the humiliation of knowing that you took it...and there's no pride in that. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, OP. Don't make any decisions too hastily. And that email/texting oversight stuff you're demanding is a mirage. You can't spend your marriage being a private investigator/nosey mother. Sooner or later (and likely sooner) your husband will tire of feeling your wary eyes following him and it will create tension and resentment in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP, my now-wife and I were living apart in different cities about five months into the relationship. She was not comfortable with the distance and did some dating until we were engaged and she then moved to where I live.

I was not crazy about this and we had a number of talks in terms of trust and what fidelity means. We have been able to make it work and I think this issue brought us closer today by forcing us to discuss things that people too often sweep under the rug (e.g. are they capable of monogamy? What happens when they find someone else attractive?).

I don't think you should get out of the marriage now but do think that you need a third party to objectively listen to each other's concerns. And do not tell a soul because that person will always judge him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so sorry. I know if you were a close friend or family member I would do everything in my power to support you and help you heal. And if you were a co-worker, I would be perfectly satisfied if you casually let it slip that you opted against the name change because it didn't feel right. My sister went through a legal name change but still uses her maiden name for everything because she chafed at her new name at every turn. People who don't know you well will mind their own business.

My thoughts are with you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my now-wife and I were living apart in different cities about five months into the relationship. She was not comfortable with the distance and did some dating until we were engaged and she then moved to where I live.

I was not crazy about this and we had a number of talks in terms of trust and what fidelity means. We have been able to make it work and I think this issue brought us closer today by forcing us to discuss things that people too often sweep under the rug (e.g. are they capable of monogamy? What happens when they find someone else attractive?).

I don't think you should get out of the marriage now but do think that you need a third party to objectively listen to each other's concerns. And do not tell a soul because that person will always judge him.

Yeah, let's perpetuate the cycle of secrecy. OP's emotional health is what matters now. Yes, tell a family member or dear friend because it would help to have someone help you process it and if OP plans to try and stay in the marriage, that person should support OP in whatever she decides.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have been in your situation. If you have no kids, I would advise you to end the relationship. Your gut is telling you this anyway -- it is processing far more information than your brain. Follow your gut.

This kind of deception and need to be stroked by outsiders isn't something that just ends overnight. Your DH has given you "reasons" that seem to shift the blame to you (long distance, etc.).

What I have learned in the years since discovering my ex's extensive flirtations and affairs of all varieties is that 1) what you know is still only the tip of the iceberg and 2) the ability to behave this way is indicative of a serious lack of character 3) remorse doesn't change the underlying character defects and 4) you have a right to live with someone who will treat you more honorably.

I am amazed, in the years since my relationship ended, to discover the myriad of ways I was allowing others excuses to diminish my life. I thought I was being "flexible" and "compromising" and dealing with the "realities of life". In the end what I realized is that there are good people out there. If you pay attention to their actions and not their words, you will see easily who is worth your time and affection.

Your husband, sorry to say, is not worthy.

P.S., I strongly disagree with PPs who say that you must learn to "trust" and not ask for full transparency/access on social media, email, etc. Trust is earned, not blindly given. Your husband had your trust, lost it and now must earn it back thru his actions not his words. Full transparency, complete honesty, and a real commitment thru extensive therapy to look inward at the character defects that made this situation possible are the actions you should be looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my now-wife and I were living apart in different cities about five months into the relationship. She was not comfortable with the distance and did some dating until we were engaged and she then moved to where I live.

I was not crazy about this and we had a number of talks in terms of trust and what fidelity means. We have been able to make it work and I think this issue brought us closer today by forcing us to discuss things that people too often sweep under the rug (e.g. are they capable of monogamy? What happens when they find someone else attractive?).

I don't think you should get out of the marriage now but do think that you need a third party to objectively listen to each other's concerns. And do not tell a soul because that person will always judge him.

Your situation is different. You and your wife openly discussed this. She was honest about dating other people. You knew about this and decided for yourself whether it was something you could live with. You had open discussions about monogamy and your obligations to each other.

That is not what OP's husband did. He lied. He hid things. He manipulated her into marriage. Yes, manipulated, because he hid information that he knew might make her less inclined to marry him.

Also, I highly disagree with not telling anyone. This is a tactic of an abuser --- secrecy and shame. OP has a right to tell anyone she wants. She deserves the support and insight of her friends and family. OP's husband likely would not want her to tell because he knows many would advise her to leave -- especially without any kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

P.S., I strongly disagree with PPs who say that you must learn to "trust" and not ask for full transparency/access on social media, email, etc. Trust is earned, not blindly given. Your husband had your trust, lost it and now must earn it back thru his actions not his words. Full transparency, complete honesty, and a real commitment thru extensive therapy to look inward at the character defects that made this situation possible are the actions you should be looking for.

I'm the PP (or one of them) who suggested that requiring complete access to all email accounts, etc. may not be a good idea. The point was not that trust should be blindly given; it should, and must, b earned, of course. The point is that placing one spouse in a parental role is not healthy for the spouse in either position, and neither addresses nor corrects the underlying issues. From the other things you wrote in your post, and from other posts I think I've seen from you, I think you know at least the latter to be true. I had my husband's credit cards and ATM card, access to all his accounts, etc. for a time in the (ancient) past when those were some of the tools he'd used to act out. It was a tactic suggested by a therapist. It gave both of us a false sense of security that we'd "solved" the problems when nothing happened for a time, but ultimately just further entrenched a very bad relationship dynamic. I agree with full transparency, complete honestly, extensive therapy. I'm simply suggesting that OP putting herself in the role of a parent could be problematic.

[Anonymous]

Still do not understand the other woman's motivation. Why contact someone with news that is going to cause enormous problems for someone? Sounds like a jilted lover.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. You are a much better person than I am. Once hurt I rid myself of that hurt. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

The thing you really need to search your soul over, perhaps with a therapists help, is can *you* move past this. That is the thing about trust - once its tarnished it is just never the same. Can you truly let go what happened and feel secure in your relationship? Its a rare person who can. I've seen it eat away at friends in this situation when they decided to stay and the issue always seemed to haunt them.

You are lucky in the sense that you haven't invested years and years here and there are no children. The fact that he felt it was okay to cheat because you were long distance is a red flag. The fact that he was with an "old flame" shows that he falls back on what is easy and familiar. These are the type of choices he will make when the going gets tough. When sex is not what he expects. What about after a baby does come and sex slows down for a bit? Will he tell himself its okay to cheat again? He is okay with lying and sneaking. He is okay with hurting and betraying. He is showing you his character here, is this something you can live with for the long haul?

You can only control your behavior and your actions here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still do not understand the other woman's motivation. Why contact someone with news that is going to cause enormous problems for someone? Sounds like a jilted lover.

+1 this woman did not tell you because she was looking out for you

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

[Anonymous]

Just another voice here to say that you should take time to process all of this and not make immediate decisions.

Ultimately, you are going to have to decide if YOU feel cheating is some ultimate unforgivable sin. Society portrays it that way, but at least to me, I see it as a human frailty, no different than any other selfish decision people make in relationships. (I would rather DW cheat on me than gamble the kids' college fund away, for example).

Another way to look at it - 50% of marriages end in divorce, approximately 50% of people have cheated on their spouses at some point. Accounting for overlap, it is safe to say that the majority of couples who say "I do" in their 20s and 30s will not remain faithful till death do us part. Many people believe their spouses have been faithful and live in ignorant bliss, as you would have done if the OW hadn't maliciously contacted you with the sole intent of making you and your DH as miserable as she apparently is.

Not excusing cheating of course, but if you understand how common it is, perhaps you will see it as just one of many human failings. You are certainly entitled to see this as a dealbreaker (especially without children), but I sometimes wonder if its a little naive to expect that the next relationship will be free of infidelity as well.

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still do not understand the other woman's motivation. Why contact someone with news that is going to cause enormous problems for someone? Sounds like a jilted lover.

Maybe she thought OP deserved to know?