Reply to In shock - he cheated

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[quote=Anonymous]As someone whose marriage survived and thrived after infidelity in a very similar scenario, I just want OP to know that she has received a lot of really, really terrible advice on this thread.

Infidelity is one of those things that a lot of people fear. As a result, most of the advice one receives from family/friends/DCUM is heavily influenced by defensive emotions. These emotions should not be confused with the reality of infidelity; how it happens, why it happens, will it repeat, etc. Actual research on infidelity shows that most marriages survive it and it usually isn't repeated; particularly in cases where the spouse is profoundly regretful and willing to do whatever it takes to heal the rift.

OP, at this stage in your recovery and healing you are deep into the humiliation and you are profoundly fearful of being hurt again. This is totally normal. Your fight or flight response has been triggered by the trauma, which is why you want nothing more than to run away.

However, these feelings may not reflect the reality of what really happened with your DH. You simply can't know at this point why he did what he did, whether he is a risk to repeat it, or how you will ultimately feel about it. (And, certainly, NO ONE on DCUM knows this either, despite the rampant and irresponsible speculation on this thread.)

If you ever truly loved your DH, my advice to you is to stay and fight! But, only for a time-limited period. What I mean by that is this, put a mark on your calendar on this day in 2016. By that date, you will have the information you need to decide what you should do. You will see by his actions how truly remorseful he is and whether he is willing to do what you need. You will know what your true feelings are about whether you can be happy in a marriage with this history. (You may surprise yourself!)  You will also know that you gave your DH and your marriage a chance to succeed under difficult circumstances. If it doesn't, at least you can leave with your head held high knowing you did your best.

No person and no marriage is the sum of their best or worst moments. You have been very happy with this man too, or you would not have married him. There is a lot to lose by making a rash judgment. You need time to take a step back and look at the totality of the thing and to decide, with that knowledge, what you really want.

In the meantime, the poster who mentioned the online website, survivinginfidelity, and the poster who suggested the Not Just Friends book, gave you a great place to start. The counseling will help too. Hang in there, OP. [/quote]

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