In shock - he cheated

[Anonymous]

The husband sounds like a pushover and the OP sounds needy. Everyone keeps saying he cheated, and he lied. How did he cheat? He was single. How did he lie? Did the OP ask if he dated anyone when they were long distance, and he said no?

I bet $100 that the OP had a few dates while they were long distance, anyone want to take that bet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The husband sounds like a pushover and the OP sounds needy. Everyone keeps saying he cheated, and he lied. How did he cheat? He was single. How did he lie? Did the OP ask if he dated anyone when they were long distance, and he said no?

I bet $100 that the OP had a few dates while they were long distance, anyone want to take that bet?

He was in a committed, exclusive relationship with the OP but sleeping with at least one other woman. That's cheating. They agreed to be monogamous and he broke that agreement. Why are you acting so dense?

[Anonymous]

Why are people replying to the obvious trolls? Ignore them. They are obviously posting nonsense for attention.

OP: I think people are skipping over the fact he has been married before. He acts like he doesn't know what marriage means. But he's a man who left a marriage with even less respect for the institution than when he went into it. Will you really change him? I think you are doing the right thing and I pray you leave him. He sounds like a born unrepentant liar and I think you should let some other woman spend the next 30 years sleeping with one eye open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are people replying to the obvious trolls? Ignore them. They are obviously posting nonsense for attention.

OP: I think people are skipping over the fact he has been married before. He acts like he doesn't know what marriage means. But he's a man who left a marriage with even less respect for the institution than when he went into it. Will you really change him? I think you are doing the right thing and I pray you leave him. He sounds like a born unrepentant liar and I think you should let some other woman spend the next 30 years sleeping with one eye open.

Wait he was married before? If so get out before your career has taken a back seat to raise his kids and make a nice home for him.

[Anonymous]

PP at 21:29 here:

Yep, it's not clear why that earlier marriage broke up (he blamed the ex-wife obv) but he divorced then was single for six years. He has had more wild oats sowing time than many a man and he was still sleeping with someone else when they were engaged

[Anonymous]

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Run.

[Anonymous]

How are you doing, OP? Can you give us an update? I think about you from time to time, having had a somewhat similar revelation in my own relationship.

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated and it wasn't an immediate dealbreaker for me because I loved him and I got married to him because I wanted to have a life with him. But boy it hurt. I felt crushed and defeated and dejected and the shame and to blame. Because he cheated. It turned out he didn't want to stop cheating and we parted ways because I loved him and wanted to work through it via counseling etc. but there is no working with someone when you both have different visions of what the end result will be. I was not at all amenable to an open marriage. So I am divorced now and fending off advances from other people's husbands and SOs (online dating sucks, yo).

You will figure out what is best for you and it may be to stay married and that is OK. Or it may be to divorce and that is OK, too. Either way you will be OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you doing, OP? Can you give us an update? I think about you from time to time, having had a somewhat similar revelation in my own relationship.

OP here. It's been about 3 months since I found out about H's pre-marriage activities. We are doing OK, I am doing OK. Not good, but not as awful as the first two months. We are testing the waters of trying to repair things. Divorce is still an option, and I am glad I have done my homework on it, but it is not the main option we are pursuing right now.

My H is still in weekly counseling and we are in weekly marriage counseling. He has really dedicated himself to sorting out how and why he was unfaithful before we got married. He has and continues to read a lot of books about infidelity and forming strong marriages. He really seems vested in it, and not just like he's checking off a box and coasting through it, which is still kind of surprising to me, but a good sign I think. He continues to provide complete transparency: he regularly asks if I would like to look through his cell texts or call log or his email or to review his browser history. He has shown a lot of remorse and understanding throughout, and he has been very open about the shame he feels for what he has done and the fear he has that he could lose me. He continues to say he loves me and wants only to be married to me, and that he only wants a future for us together. He continues to say he'll do anything it takes to make things work and to prove to me how sorry he is and that he will never repeat what he did, that he meant the vows we took and he will continue to be a faithful husband, even if he was not a faithful boyfriend or fiancé.

The first two months were really horrible. I would either ignore him completely or we would talk and it would turn into an emotional argument. Many, many nights resulted in both of us in tears, completely frustrated and sad. Our marriage counselor helped me get through a lot of my anger (and believe me, I felt absolute rage for two months) and helped him learn to be more empathetic. The last few weeks have been a little better. We are doing more than just the bare minimum, and have been hanging out more at nights and on weekends. We are still sleeping apart and are still not physically affectionate (my choice). Some of the attraction I had for him has returned, but I'm just not really there right now. He tells me he loves me many times a day, but I do not say it back. I do love him as a person, but I am not ready to say it with affection. I am still guarded and still very hurt; all of this has caused me some real anxiety and stress, which I am dealing with emotionally and physically. I don't know if or when I will ever be able to "fully relax" with him, but I do feel some measure of hope, which was completely absent before. I will carry all of this with me for life - the way I look at him, at love, at the world has changed, and I have to deal with that, and he has to deal with knowing he has caused that for me. It continues to be rocky, and I am sure it will be for a long time ahead. Thanks for checking in - this board has really helped hold me together and I appreciate you all a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you doing, OP? Can you give us an update? I think about you from time to time, having had a somewhat similar revelation in my own relationship.

OP here. It's been about 3 months since I found out about H's pre-marriage activities. We are doing OK, I am doing OK. Not good, but not as awful as the first two months. We are testing the waters of trying to repair things. Divorce is still an option, and I am glad I have done my homework on it, but it is not the main option we are pursuing right now.

My H is still in weekly counseling and we are in weekly marriage counseling. He has really dedicated himself to sorting out how and why he was unfaithful before we got married. He has and continues to read a lot of books about infidelity and forming strong marriages. He really seems vested in it, and not just like he's checking off a box and coasting through it, which is still kind of surprising to me, but a good sign I think. He continues to provide complete transparency: he regularly asks if I would like to look through his cell texts or call log or his email or to review his browser history. He has shown a lot of remorse and understanding throughout, and he has been very open about the shame he feels for what he has done and the fear he has that he could lose me. He continues to say he loves me and wants only to be married to me, and that he only wants a future for us together. He continues to say he'll do anything it takes to make things work and to prove to me how sorry he is and that he will never repeat what he did, that he meant the vows we took and he will continue to be a faithful husband, even if he was not a faithful boyfriend or fiancé.

The first two months were really horrible. I would either ignore him completely or we would talk and it would turn into an emotional argument. Many, many nights resulted in both of us in tears, completely frustrated and sad. Our marriage counselor helped me get through a lot of my anger (and believe me, I felt absolute rage for two months) and helped him learn to be more empathetic. The last few weeks have been a little better. We are doing more than just the bare minimum, and have been hanging out more at nights and on weekends. We are still sleeping apart and are still not physically affectionate (my choice). Some of the attraction I had for him has returned, but I'm just not really there right now. He tells me he loves me many times a day, but I do not say it back. I do love him as a person, but I am not ready to say it with affection. I am still guarded and still very hurt; all of this has caused me some real anxiety and stress, which I am dealing with emotionally and physically. I don't know if or when I will ever be able to "fully relax" with him, but I do feel some measure of hope, which was completely absent before. I will carry all of this with me for life - the way I look at him, at love, at the world has changed, and I have to deal with that, and he has to deal with knowing he has caused that for me. It continues to be rocky, and I am sure it will be for a long time ahead. Thanks for checking in - this board has really helped hold me together and I appreciate you all a lot.

Thanks for the update, OP. I'm really glad you are OK. Please don't put pressure on yourself to "fully relax" anytime soon. You've been through a trauma - like getting hit with a 2x4 by someone you love. It's understandable that you are still reeling. Just take care of yourself and take it slowly. I hope he will be worthy of you in the end.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP. All this work will pay dividends in the future. Whether you stay together or break up over this, you will have both really tried to work things out. That is never a bad thing.

Wishing you both success and happiness.