What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because people and relationships are complicated?

I don’t think men who are happy in their marriages marry the mistress. That’s not a judgement error, that’s a man totally disengaged from the marriage and moving on.

And, sorry, some women make it an easy choice for them to do that.

Take this absolute trash opinion somewhere else. Men who cheat have already proved that they totally lack integrity. Once caught, they can’t take that they blew up their world and their family’s for absolutely nothing (and that’s what a mistress is), so they double down to preserve their own self image and justify their crap decision-making.

I don’t think so. There are some completely hysterical betrayed women here, and it’s sort of obvious that they exhausted and alienated their spouse and are lashing out at randoms on the internet.

I'm not sure where you got college Freshman. At least dc is a junior with an established friend group. Reflecting over the weekend I'm mainly just pissed about the way this has been handled and dh's total disregard for our kid's mental wellbeing. I really feel like *I* will be ok. I WISH the divorce decision would have been a conversation and not an edict. He could have had his divorce without going scorched earth. I'm not the one being hysterical in this dynamic but there are people on this thread who want to lash out at me. Whatever. The blows aren't landing.

I don't think a man who blows up his child's world and compromises his 1st year at college is the "not hysterical one".. sure women who get blind sided 30 years into a marriage take a while to adjust and at 1st are emotional... but you have to be complete trash to do with the H in this scenario is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

"Mom and dad can't be married anymore" is what you tell a toddler, not a college student. I understand wanting to keep your kid focused on their studies but don't patronize them, that would be angering for a long while. It will hurt but college kids are old enough to be respected with basic honesty. You don't need to go into detail but dont leave out the big reason! The caution is not in the facts but in being careful to not bring them into your internal mental struggles as that can be suffocating. Don't lean on them for therapy but dont leave them in the dark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

"Mom and dad can't be married anymore" is what you tell a toddler, not a college student. I understand wanting to keep your kid focused on their studies but don't patronize them, that would be angering for a long while. It will hurt but college kids are old enough to be respected with basic honesty. You don't need to go into detail but dont leave out the big reason! The caution is not in the facts but in being careful to not bring them into your internal mental struggles as that can be suffocating. Don't lean on them for therapy but dont leave them in the dark.

I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and suppporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

"Mom and dad can't be married anymore" is what you tell a toddler, not a college student. I understand wanting to keep your kid focused on their studies but don't patronize them, that would be angering for a long while. It will hurt but college kids are old enough to be respected with basic honesty. You don't need to go into detail but dont leave out the big reason! The caution is not in the facts but in being careful to not bring them into your internal mental struggles as that can be suffocating. Don't lean on them for therapy but dont leave them in the dark.

I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and suppporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

So you just totally volunteered the information.

Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and supporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

You were far too kind to say "dad has a girlfriend". No, the accurate statement is " Dad is committing adultery and has a mistress and breaking his marriage vows."
Most of my friends are explaining it to their kids as "Mr. X chose to be a bad husband and bad father" And even their kids are smart enough to be asking, "Is Mr. X having an affair?" Yep. Like a nuclear bomb, the whole affair is having destructive ripple effects to all our friends and family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

"Mom and dad can't be married anymore" is what you tell a toddler, not a college student. I understand wanting to keep your kid focused on their studies but don't patronize them, that would be angering for a long while. It will hurt but college kids are old enough to be respected with basic honesty. You don't need to go into detail but dont leave out the big reason! The caution is not in the facts but in being careful to not bring them into your internal mental struggles as that can be suffocating. Don't lean on them for therapy but dont leave them in the dark.

I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and suppporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

So you just totally volunteered the information.

Interesting.

It's an important part of the story. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

So you just totally volunteered the information.

Interesting.

Look man, It's not OP's job to cover for this guy. Also, she gave her kid the factual information her H intentionally left out in order to manipulate the narrative.

I lived through this with Dad cheating and leaving, etc. All my relationships with my parents are intact. So let me say this loudly from the cheap seats: you can deliver facts without intending to emotionally manipulate your audience. Your snide remark intends to shame OP and is a tacit admission that this H deserves to not only drive the bus on what happens next, but shape the narrative as well. Hell no.

OP now has her own narrative that she's going to have to deliver and live This does not (again, loudly for those in the back) mean she is de facto poisoning the kids. DC will grow and adjust to the now changed relationships with both parents. This is what I did. This is what kids do. Did my mom poison the well for me against my father? No. Did I know about his cheating? Yeah, when he immediately married her and I was a bridesmaid in his wedding at the age of 13 it was kind of hard to hide. He was a bad husband to my mom. He was a good father to me. I know it's hard for people to understand how those things can be mutually exclusive but they can be *for kids*. My mom may not see him as a great father but I've never heard her say so.

Anyway, take your attacks on OP elsewhere. Can you imagine being in her position? She doesn't need your help making it harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

"Mom and dad can't be married anymore" is what you tell a toddler, not a college student. I understand wanting to keep your kid focused on their studies but don't patronize them, that would be angering for a long while. It will hurt but college kids are old enough to be respected with basic honesty. You don't need to go into detail but dont leave out the big reason! The caution is not in the facts but in being careful to not bring them into your internal mental struggles as that can be suffocating. Don't lean on them for therapy but dont leave them in the dark.

I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and suppporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

I'm sorry to hear that. What on earth is going on with him to make so many terrible decisions? I'm sure he focused on you being impossible to be with and not the actual reason, it's good you put that into context. It's important for your kid to evaluate the situation with proper information as it will get murky, especially when the dad is deranged. Check in with your DC soon as the shock wears off and you can figure out what supports they might need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and supporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

You were far too kind to say "dad has a girlfriend". No, the accurate statement is " Dad is committing adultery and has a mistress and breaking his marriage vows."
Most of my friends are explaining it to their kids as "Mr. X chose to be a bad husband and bad father" And even their kids are smart enough to be asking, "Is Mr. X having an affair?" Yep. Like a nuclear bomb, the whole affair is having destructive ripple effects to all our friends and family

I think that's all obvious without me having to spell out sordid details. I absolutely believe it takes two people to kill a relationship and I prefer not to portray this as good guy/bad guy even though I think he's a POS for how he is choosing to handle his exit. Obviously I have played a roll in this. I've just had waaaay more therapy than dh over the years (well he's never been in therapy period so....) I'm not willing to portray myself as a poor victimized wife who is deserving of pity. I was a 30 year partner in this relationship, though, so dismantling it isn't going to be quite as simple as dh may think. He's going low, I'm going high and talking to lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I don't know if you read that DH actually called dc right after he told me.... DC texted me. So he let the cat out of the bag immediately. Just couldn't contain it or stop to think about trying to present this information as gently as possible. I was left out of the decision. Which is infuriating but it is what it is and I just can't start flipping the fork out over every stupid and selfish thing this guy does. DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and supporting our kid. I told him "I'm sorry Dad told you so quickly and without having a conversation with me about how to tell you. I would have preferred to be a part of the conversation." I asked if dh had happened to mention the actual reason he's leaving and dc said no...so I said "well he has a girlfriend and that's an important part of the story." and I left it there. I didn't call dh any names or say anything disparaging about him.

You were far too kind to say "dad has a girlfriend". No, the accurate statement is " Dad is committing adultery and has a mistress and breaking his marriage vows."
Most of my friends are explaining it to their kids as "Mr. X chose to be a bad husband and bad father" And even their kids are smart enough to be asking, "Is Mr. X having an affair?" Yep. Like a nuclear bomb, the whole affair is having destructive ripple effects to all our friends and family

I think that's all obvious without me having to spell out sordid details. I absolutely believe it takes two people to kill a relationship and I prefer not to portray this as good guy/bad guy even though I think he's a POS for how he is choosing to handle his exit. Obviously I have played a roll in this. I've just had waaaay more therapy than dh over the years (well he's never been in therapy period so....) I'm not willing to portray myself as a poor victimized wife who is deserving of pity. I was a 30 year partner in this relationship, though, so dismantling it isn't going to be quite as simple as dh may think. He's going low, I'm going high and talking to lawyers.

Perfect

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry to hear that. What on earth is going on with him to make so many terrible decisions? I'm sure he focused on you being impossible to be with and not the actual reason, it's good you put that into context. It's important for your kid to evaluate the situation with proper information as it will get murky, especially when the dad is deranged. Check in with your DC soon as the shock wears off and you can figure out what supports they might need."

This is what happens when you get to the age of 60 without ever having done serious self reflection preferably with the help of a therapist. This is what happens when you believe your own press that you are a great guy who everyone likes. This is what happens when you point all the fingers at your spouse's many flaws but forget to point any fingers back at yourself.

[Anonymous]

"when you believe your own press"

Love this. I'm going to borrow it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a freshman.
Are the exams before or after Xmas?
If before -- I would go back to H and say "Look, this all stinks, but I think you should delay moving out until after Xmas because this wil lbe hard on Larlo and we both want her to do well this semester. We can be civil to each other for two months and tell her at the end of break."

If after -- I think I would call her now and say something like --- "Honey, I have some news. Your dad has decided to move out. He's seeing someone else. It's obviously a little surprising, probably for both of us, but the important thing is that we both love you and our problems are not your problem. We'll deal with it all like grownups and try to keep you out of it. I can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving, and I'd really like for us both to go to Neighor Sally's like we planned, but probably without your dad if that's okay with you. You don't have to say anything now -- you can just think about it. Do you want to talk about anything now?"

Junior in college, not a Freshman,🙄 and dh called him right after our conversation, but didn't tell me he was going to break the news. So the cat is out of the bag. DC texted me that dh had called him. He's coming back for Thanksgiving. I said we were invited to my best friend's house but I understood totally if he didn't want to do that. He actually said "I would love to do that and we can do some baking and bring dessert" (He's a fab. baker). He said he wants to hang with friends over the weekend but also wants to go see a show with me. Some of his closest friends have been through their parents divorcing and he said he's been talking to them about this, and that it's weird but wasn't totally surprising. So that's where we are right now. Meanwhile I'm interviewing lawyers...

At least you lucked out in the kid department, OP. Your son sounds like a sweetheart.

One of the nicest things anyone ever said to me after the divorce was “those kids are the best part of him, and you got that.”

Good luck with the dismantling and everything. It is a process of letting go but your life will feel lighter and freer without him.

[Anonymous]

DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and suppporting our kid.

OP this smart. You are correct that your DH is spoiling for a blow up. It's much easier for him if you're angry and irrational; he needs glue to make all the pieces of his narrative stick together. And while I'm sure you're justifiably angry, don't give this to him. We can be remarkably steely and calm when we are focused on our kids, which it sounds like you are, and your DC will need. Good for you and DC. Let your H spin out into the ether....it all comes down eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

DH is really spoiling for a blowup with me and I feel like he just used our kid as a pawn in his emotional war. But I'm not here to fight. I'm here to get out of this mess without losing my mind and suppporting our kid.

OP this smart. You are correct that your DH is spoiling for a blow up. It's much easier for him if you're angry and irrational; he needs glue to make all the pieces of his narrative stick together. And while I'm sure you're justifiably angry, don't give this to him. We can be remarkably steely and calm when we are focused on our kids, which it sounds like you are, and your DC will need. Good for you and DC. Let your H spin out into the ether....it all comes down eventually.

+1