What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not lie and say it is amicable. (I did lie, but my kid was was 4, as an adult she knows the truth now.) I just would not elaborate or be negative. Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else. It is okay to say you are still processing this new information, but that you know you will be fine.

Speaking for myself and what I was like as a college student, “Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else,” is NOT information I want to have before my winter exams.

I would give a white lie until the summer, and then give this sordid detail after spring exams are over. That gives DS the summer to process what “Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else,” actually means.

Idk I had 2 friends whose parents got divorced while they were late teens- young adults. One had something similar to OPs situation and one had parents with no real reason. The kid who didn’t know/understand really struggled to get her head around it and there was more self blame, belief that her childhood was a lie, etc.

It was probably highly personality dependent but I don’t think the “we grew apart” lie is really even that helpful for kids to believe. Your family is still getting blown up, you just don’t understand why.

[Anonymous]

Because people and relationships are complicated?

I don’t think men who are happy in their marriages marry the mistress. That’s not a judgement error, that’s a man totally disengaged from the marriage and moving on.

And, sorry, some women make it an easy choice for them to do that.

Take this absolute trash opinion somewhere else. Men who cheat have already proved that they totally lack integrity. Once caught, they can’t take that they blew up their world and their family’s for absolutely nothing (and that’s what a mistress is), so they double down to preserve their own self image and justify their crap decision-making.

[Anonymous]

I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should keep the details to yourself and just tell the kid mom and dad can’t be married to each other anymore. Do not drag your kid into your drama.

Were you the unfaithful spouse or the other woman? Pick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not lie and say it is amicable. (I did lie, but my kid was was 4, as an adult she knows the truth now.) I just would not elaborate or be negative. Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else. It is okay to say you are still processing this new information, but that you know you will be fine.

Speaking for myself and what I was like as a college student, “Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else,” is NOT information I want to have before my winter exams.

I would give a white lie until the summer, and then give this sordid detail after spring exams are over. That gives DS the summer to process what “Dad wishes to pursue a relationship with someone else,” actually means.

This is not realistic. OP can withhold details unless asked, but should not lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Because people and relationships are complicated?

I don’t think men who are happy in their marriages marry the mistress. That’s not a judgement error, that’s a man totally disengaged from the marriage and moving on.

And, sorry, some women make it an easy choice for them to do that.

Take this absolute trash opinion somewhere else. Men who cheat have already proved that they totally lack integrity. Once caught, they can’t take that they blew up their world and their family’s for absolutely nothing (and that’s what a mistress is), so they double down to preserve their own self image and justify their crap decision-making.

I don’t think so. There are some completely hysterical betrayed women here, and it’s sort of obvious that they exhausted and alienated their spouse and are lashing out at randoms on the internet.

[Anonymous]

^ Yet another lame attempt to blame a woman for her husband’s choice to cheat. If someone is unhappy in a marriage they should leave it and then start dating if they want. Cheating does not address marital issues.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. Your kid and you didn't deserve this. You will walk through this fire your STBX set and come out happier and stronger on the other side...but damn I'm sorry for the agony he has caused.

Honestly is good. Anything like, "it's a shock to me, too, honey. And it's okay if Thanksgiving kind of sucks for us this year. I kind of feel like I've been hit in the head with an emotional 2x4 and if you do too, we can just chill or get out of town or you can hang with your friends and we'll just keep everything low key this year."

[Anonymous]

I also have a freshman.
Are the exams before or after Xmas?
If before -- I would go back to H and say "Look, this all stinks, but I think you should delay moving out until after Xmas because this wil lbe hard on Larlo and we both want her to do well this semester. We can be civil to each other for two months and tell her at the end of break."

If after -- I think I would call her now and say something like --- "Honey, I have some news. Your dad has decided to move out. He's seeing someone else. It's obviously a little surprising, probably for both of us, but the important thing is that we both love you and our problems are not your problem. We'll deal with it all like grownups and try to keep you out of it. I can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving, and I'd really like for us both to go to Neighor Sally's like we planned, but probably without your dad if that's okay with you. You don't have to say anything now -- you can just think about it. Do you want to talk about anything now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also have a freshman.
Are the exams before or after Xmas?
If before -- I would go back to H and say "Look, this all stinks, but I think you should delay moving out until after Xmas because this wil lbe hard on Larlo and we both want her to do well this semester. We can be civil to each other for two months and tell her at the end of break."

If after -- I think I would call her now and say something like --- "Honey, I have some news. Your dad has decided to move out. He's seeing someone else. It's obviously a little surprising, probably for both of us, but the important thing is that we both love you and our problems are not your problem. We'll deal with it all like grownups and try to keep you out of it. I can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving, and I'd really like for us both to go to Neighor Sally's like we planned, but probably without your dad if that's okay with you. You don't have to say anything now -- you can just think about it. Do you want to talk about anything now?"

Junior in college, not a Freshman,🙄 and dh called him right after our conversation, but didn't tell me he was going to break the news. So the cat is out of the bag. DC texted me that dh had called him. He's coming back for Thanksgiving. I said we were invited to my best friend's house but I understood totally if he didn't want to do that. He actually said "I would love to do that and we can do some baking and bring dessert" (He's a fab. baker). He said he wants to hang with friends over the weekend but also wants to go see a show with me. Some of his closest friends have been through their parents divorcing and he said he's been talking to them about this, and that it's weird but wasn't totally surprising. So that's where we are right now. Meanwhile I'm interviewing lawyers...

[Anonymous]

^^OM G I did not mean to throw that emoji in my response....🙄🙄🤣🤣

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a freshman.
Are the exams before or after Xmas?
If before -- I would go back to H and say "Look, this all stinks, but I think you should delay moving out until after Xmas because this wil lbe hard on Larlo and we both want her to do well this semester. We can be civil to each other for two months and tell her at the end of break."

If after -- I think I would call her now and say something like --- "Honey, I have some news. Your dad has decided to move out. He's seeing someone else. It's obviously a little surprising, probably for both of us, but the important thing is that we both love you and our problems are not your problem. We'll deal with it all like grownups and try to keep you out of it. I can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving, and I'd really like for us both to go to Neighor Sally's like we planned, but probably without your dad if that's okay with you. You don't have to say anything now -- you can just think about it. Do you want to talk about anything now?"

Junior in college, not a Freshman,🙄 and dh called him right after our conversation, but didn't tell me he was going to break the news. So the cat is out of the bag. DC texted me that dh had called him. He's coming back for Thanksgiving. I said we were invited to my best friend's house but I understood totally if he didn't want to do that. He actually said "I would love to do that and we can do some baking and bring dessert" (He's a fab. baker). He said he wants to hang with friends over the weekend but also wants to go see a show with me. Some of his closest friends have been through their parents divorcing and he said he's been talking to them about this, and that it's weird but wasn't totally surprising. So that's where we are right now. Meanwhile I'm interviewing lawyers...

That all sounds good. You two seem to have open communication and that is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems there are some mistresses or trolls here. Please don’t hesitate to tell your kid that you knew, but struggled with how/when to tell them. Also, create a warm welcome asap for kid to return, and keep the traditions alive for them. They shouldn’t be made to play nice to ex just to get college money. You should get alimony and if ex is guilty enough he should fund college. Not legally binding but worth a try.
Im so sorry you are going through this. You have done nothing to deserve this,nor has your kid.

Not necessarily. I would not assume this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because people and relationships are complicated?

I don’t think men who are happy in their marriages marry the mistress. That’s not a judgement error, that’s a man totally disengaged from the marriage and moving on.

And, sorry, some women make it an easy choice for them to do that.

Take this absolute trash opinion somewhere else. Men who cheat have already proved that they totally lack integrity. Once caught, they can’t take that they blew up their world and their family’s for absolutely nothing (and that’s what a mistress is), so they double down to preserve their own self image and justify their crap decision-making.

I don’t think so. There are some completely hysterical betrayed women here, and it’s sort of obvious that they exhausted and alienated their spouse and are lashing out at randoms on the internet.

I don't think a man who blows up his child's world and compromises his 1st year at college is the "not hysterical one".. sure women who get blind sided 30 years into a marriage take a while to adjust and at 1st are emotional... but you have to be complete trash to do with the H in this scenario is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems there are some mistresses or trolls here. Please don’t hesitate to tell your kid that you knew, but struggled with how/when to tell them. Also, create a warm welcome asap for kid to return, and keep the traditions alive for them. They shouldn’t be made to play nice to ex just to get college money. You should get alimony and if ex is guilty enough he should fund college. Not legally binding but worth a try.
Im so sorry you are going through this. You have done nothing to deserve this,nor has your kid.

Not necessarily. I would not assume this.

Actually it is pretty clear that I will be entitled to spousal support based on early conversations with lawyers. Based on length of marriage, my earnings during marriage, my current age, my current working status, our general lifestyle.