What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back. For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all. I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.

Great questions and yes, we are definitely in parallel nightmares. I think your son sounds grounded and secure and that says a lot about your parenting. You’re handling this really well. As for me, I’m a problem solver and also pragmatic. I wanted our marriage to work because we’ve been together 28 years and I think that alone, in the absence of abuse, makes it worth trying to save. I also want my kids to take relationships and commitment and responsibility seriously, and this changes the way they see those things. And yes, financially divorce hurts the family. It is naive to think otherwise. More than anything, I’m hurt and furious that he didn’t try. He decided to leave and he did, without valuing our family enough to show a meaningful, mature effort. And of course I’m picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks and enabling his continued relationship with the kids because that’s what we do.

It’s not what we have to do anymore once we are out. The biggest blessing of divorce is my authentic relationship with my kids/ one where I don’t have to gaslight them on dads behalf anymore to hide the reality of who he is- one where my kids and I communicate honestly without his perpetual victimhood and insane rage making us all tiptoe around trying not to wake the lion.

You can drop it now if you want- OP. You’re going to be free.
Don’t take on the responsibility for his relationships anymore- it’s a gift.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell your kid before he comes home. You should say the normal stuff. Do t say your dad is cheating/evil/etc. Your kid will know the truthand you need to be the adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

yikes 😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tell your kid before he comes home. You should say the normal stuff. Do t say your dad is cheating/evil/etc. Your kid will know the truthand you need to be the adult.

I've responded a bunch of times. DH told DC immediately. Couldn't wait to make that call. Probably drank a tumbler of bourbon and used that liquid courage to let DC know on Halloween night because it just could not wait.

[Anonymous]

yikes 😳 Can we just refer to this person as Cluster B? Surprised he hasn't come back to bloviate some more. I'm a little disappointed, tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back. For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all. I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.

Great questions and yes, we are definitely in parallel nightmares. I think your son sounds grounded and secure and that says a lot about your parenting. You’re handling this really well. As for me, I’m a problem solver and also pragmatic. I wanted our marriage to work because we’ve been together 28 years and I think that alone, in the absence of abuse, makes it worth trying to save. I also want my kids to take relationships and commitment and responsibility seriously, and this changes the way they see those things. And yes, financially divorce hurts the family. It is naive to think otherwise. More than anything, I’m hurt and furious that he didn’t try. He decided to leave and he did, without valuing our family enough to show a meaningful, mature effort. And of course I’m picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks and enabling his continued relationship with the kids because that’s what we do.

It’s not what we have to do anymore once we are out. The biggest blessing of divorce is my authentic relationship with my kids/ one where I don’t have to gaslight them on dads behalf anymore to hide the reality of who he is- one where my kids and I communicate honestly without his perpetual victimhood and insane rage making us all tiptoe around trying not to wake the lion.

You can drop it now if you want- OP. You’re going to be free.
Don’t take on the responsibility for his relationships anymore- it’s a gift.

OP here - you're actually responding to an OR who is in a similar situation. I won't trash my stbx to our kid but I'm not particularly interested in how he is going to manage their relationship going forward other than financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

Have you been checked for Cluster B personality disorders? Oof.

totally. let’s see - he says:
- only the prominent understand how life works
- “a wife and a couple kids” are less important than his prominent research, hence it doesn’t matter if he hurts them - because his prominence excuses that
- only rich and powerful men’s judgment matters
- prominent men’s power justifies their harming of other people
- the person who ends the marriage has superior energy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back. For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all. I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.

Great questions and yes, we are definitely in parallel nightmares. I think your son sounds grounded and secure and that says a lot about your parenting. You’re handling this really well. As for me, I’m a problem solver and also pragmatic. I wanted our marriage to work because we’ve been together 28 years and I think that alone, in the absence of abuse, makes it worth trying to save. I also want my kids to take relationships and commitment and responsibility seriously, and this changes the way they see those things. And yes, financially divorce hurts the family. It is naive to think otherwise. More than anything, I’m hurt and furious that he didn’t try. He decided to leave and he did, without valuing our family enough to show a meaningful, mature effort. And of course I’m picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks and enabling his continued relationship with the kids because that’s what we do.

It’s not what we have to do anymore once we are out. The biggest blessing of divorce is my authentic relationship with my kids/ one where I don’t have to gaslight them on dads behalf anymore to hide the reality of who he is- one where my kids and I communicate honestly without his perpetual victimhood and insane rage making us all tiptoe around trying not to wake the lion.

You can drop it now if you want- OP. You’re going to be free.
Don’t take on the responsibility for his relationships anymore- it’s a gift.

OP here - you're actually responding to an OR who is in a similar situation. I won't trash my stbx to our kid but I'm not particularly interested in how he is going to manage their relationship going forward other than financially.

Sorry too many quotes! Sorry OP. I know it’s devestating but I’m seven years out and have build a totally wildly new and beautiful life for myself- your head is on straight you will do the same! Chin up queen

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

MD here. You have a personality disorder.

You stepped out of your marriage, and blamed your wife's criticisms at home for it, so you could start a relationship with a subordinate at work. You casually label her as "better" than your child's mother.

You blame having to introduce your kids to your AP because your wife saw pictures of your child-free European trip.

You assign the entire series of events, including the rocky path forward, to your ex's selfishness.

You're lurking on a parenting board and unironically piping up with your story. You're likely a troll (I always wonder what people like that get out of these made-up posts). If not, you are truly a cautionary tale of a man.

OP here and thanks for chiming in on this response - it resonates with me because it feels exactly like this narrative is exactly what my dh is spinning in his head despite the fact that I very much accept responsibility for my part in the demise of our marriage. I'm pretty clear about that. I can't control what my STBX thinks or says but I'm pretty certain it's going to read exactly like this post. Note I haven't trashed my ex even here. I think his having an affair is a really lame way to get out of a 30 year relationship. My only true wish is that he could have used his voice to have a hard conversation with me before he used his libido to say "we're in a danger zone." Reading this response made me feel like I was sitting in my living room with dh last week when all the fingers were pointed at me and if I can be honest, I'm rolling my eyes. I can point all those fingers directly at myself and I know that. But for whatever reason, I was given the strength not to start pointing fingers right back at him and freaking out. I've been doing a meditation these last several days, the crux of which is "Do you want peace or do you want to be right?" I want peace and I want to get through this and out of it without turning into that person this responder and my dh so desperately want me to turn into. I'm not here for that. I am super super grateful for so many of you who have posted great advice, harsh realities etc etc. I choose peace. For myself. The last years have been very, very difficult and at least I have an answer now, that my life is moving forward in a way I didn't expect. But here we are. These attacks really don't sting because they aren't about me. I know who I am, good and bad.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you. FWIW I had to call my son in college (junior) last night to tell him that his dad has decided to divorce me. We've been separated for two months. DH had an affair that I found out about last Christmas, I wanted to work on the relationship but he gave therapy two months before he ended it because he was "tired of being told how awful he was" and of course he had the affair because he was miserable in the marriage. So my fault, basically. We told the kids over the summer and he moved out a week later. Even though I asked him to stay until September, he moved out two weeks before they went back to college so they had to witness him moving out. It was a nightmare. He's furious that I told my son last night, btw. Says that I'm "manipulating" them. But my son said he'd prefer to know.

I'm so sorry we are living parallel lives right now on so many levels except mine will not do counseling and told our kid immediately that we are divorcing so there was no period of "they're separating, let me process that." My kid is also pretty pragmatic about it and just keeps calling the situation "weird but not unexpected." I hope you know that it is easier to assign the villain role to the spouse when the other one decides to have an affair. It's very cowardly behavior. "You gave me no choice." I feel weirdly ok as I said in the post you replied to. I think I did a hell of a lot of reflection in the months leading up to this - in the back of my mind I obviously knew it was coming and I was bracing for it. How are you feeling??? Were you hoping things could work out? My dh made it clear last week that there is no going back. For some reason our kid texted both of us an adorable photo of himself on a hike with a funny caption. I "hearted" the photo, dh did not respond at all. I would not be surprised if he texted dc and said "Don't text both of us again.". WTF with this men-babies??? You can't give your kid a little LOL or Heart when they reach out to both? FFS.

Great questions and yes, we are definitely in parallel nightmares. I think your son sounds grounded and secure and that says a lot about your parenting. You’re handling this really well. As for me, I’m a problem solver and also pragmatic. I wanted our marriage to work because we’ve been together 28 years and I think that alone, in the absence of abuse, makes it worth trying to save. I also want my kids to take relationships and commitment and responsibility seriously, and this changes the way they see those things. And yes, financially divorce hurts the family. It is naive to think otherwise. More than anything, I’m hurt and furious that he didn’t try. He decided to leave and he did, without valuing our family enough to show a meaningful, mature effort. And of course I’m picking up the pieces and filling in the cracks and enabling his continued relationship with the kids because that’s what we do.

It’s not what we have to do anymore once we are out. The biggest blessing of divorce is my authentic relationship with my kids/ one where I don’t have to gaslight them on dads behalf anymore to hide the reality of who he is- one where my kids and I communicate honestly without his perpetual victimhood and insane rage making us all tiptoe around trying not to wake the lion.

You can drop it now if you want- OP. You’re going to be free.
Don’t take on the responsibility for his relationships anymore- it’s a gift.

OP here - you're actually responding to an OR who is in a similar situation. I won't trash my stbx to our kid but I'm not particularly interested in how he is going to manage their relationship going forward other than financially.

Sorry too many quotes! Sorry OP. I know it’s devestating but I’m seven years out and have build a totally wildly new and beautiful life for myself- your head is on straight you will do the same! Chin up queen

👏👏👏👏👏

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

DP.

The research is important but in time the researcher is lost to history. You also likely have no monetary stake in whatever you discover. My spouse is also a big law partner so I know tons of them. Someone getting married in Paris just cuz is in the extreme minority. Most of them do not want to spend their limited time dating and getting married again etc. in fact most are with the same people they started off with. Do some research about divorce. The stats suggest that wealthier people divorce the least. The majority of former presidents also have not been divorced etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

Have you been checked for Cluster B personality disorders? Oof.

totally. let’s see - he says:
- only the prominent understand how life works
- “a wife and a couple kids” are less important than his prominent research, hence it doesn’t matter if he hurts them - because his prominence excuses that
- only rich and powerful men’s judgment matters
- prominent men’s power justifies their harming of other people
- the person who ends the marriage has superior energy

What a terrifying narcissist. Noted also how his girlfriend understands his kids more because she is close to their age.🤮

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

PP, are you the AP/gf? Your post reminds me of the ”my friend’s gf would make a fun stepmom” poster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the kid in this scenario. Just tell dc the truth. And don’t rely on your spouse to do that. One of my worse memories was my dad like trying to explain that their sex life was bad. No child adult or otherwise wants to hear jack shit about their parents’ sex lives.

I don't know if you read that DH took it upon himself to inform dc right away. We didn't have a discussion about it. He just did it. DC said dh told him that he had not been happy for a very long time. I asked if dh told him anything else, which he did not other than "we love you and we're here for you" so I told dc that dh has a girlfriend and left it at that. I'm so sorry your dad brought up sex with you. That's so so bad. I'm not going to be that parent. Ugh.

I was in your DH’s position a year ago. I had felt dead for years, getting accolades all the time at work but my SAHM DW criticizing my efforts at home. Finally I met someone better and told her that I was divorcing her.

But she couldn’t look at all she did to ruin our marriage. We told the kids we were divorcing and cried and whatever. But once she saw pictures my girlfriend and I took when she was my friend and I took her to Europe for a conference, she went off the deep end. So I had to introduce my kids to my girlfriend so they could see she’s really cool and at her age understands my kids a lot better than my ex.

Now my ex refuses to build and maintain a friendship with us. It’s so selfish and immature. You’re supposed to make things as smooth as possible for the kids’ sake, but yet again my ex’s selfishness rules.

I am genuinely hoping you are a troll, but if not I am team ex DW.

By your own admission you were focused on all your accolades at work while, ignored your spouse when she needed more help at home, and then went off galavanting on a work trip with your younger AP who is apparently close enough in age to your children to relate to them? You are a gross cliche. Pathetic.

Well that’s great, I share my experience and try to help OP learn from what happened with my marriage, and I get raked through the coals.

Yes I’m this PP and the one dating the lab researcher. I can understand the moralistic judgments a little because it’s not the fairy tale you read in preschool. Ultimately if you’re not famous or prominent or particularly important you just don’t understand how life really works.

My research SAVES LIVES. Some now and more in future years as our chip and grandchildren benefit from my work. I’m not saying that to congratulate myself. I just recognize that I serve a population bigger than a wife and a couple of kids.

When you’re prominent in an important field, you deal with a ton of pressures along with the praise and accolades. I have people in my facility who judge me even though they don’t REALLY know how I suffered managing my wife’s feelings and “mindfulness”.

But you know who judges me? The admin in the Bills Receivable department. The wife of the resident. The older nurse worried that her cop husband will leave her (btw he won’t because he’s not good enough to have options).

You know who doesn’t judge me? The Chief of our “Center”. My book editor. My buddy the law partner who got married in Paris last year just because.

There’s really a different world, a different set of rules when you’re important, I mean really important. People hate Trump’s “Grab them etc” comment and I would NEVER vote for him because I respect women and black people and Latinx etc. But Trump has a point, a kernel of truth in a VERY toxic set of words.

So if you can’t walk in my shoes or OP’s DH’s shoes, don’t judge. Marriage is complicated and sometimes it reaches the sell by date. Even if only one party is energetic enough to recognize it.

PP, are you the AP/gf? Your post reminds me of the ”my friend’s gf would make a fun stepmom” poster.

OOh THIS is an interesting take. An AP trying to write as if they are the spouse who left the wife. It's either that or this guy is truly Borderline. And if this is the AP posting, they're throwing out some pretty strong Borderline/Cluster B signals. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

I'd tell the child the plain truth. If DH is going to live with the mistress, he's going to learn soon enough. The trick would be to say it simply without attaching blame. I know that would be hard, but hopefully the child will understand that the pig father is the problem here.

Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell the child the plain truth. If DH is going to live with the mistress, he's going to learn soon enough. The trick would be to say it simply without attaching blame. I know that would be hard, but hopefully the child will understand that the pig father is the problem here.

Sorry, OP.

Child has been told. I don't know that the plan is to live with the new gf immediately. I kept it matter of fact. I'm also not looking to have stbx be THE problem in our kid's eyes (I mean it will be clear if it isn't already). I'm not adding any more fuel to this fire. I don't have it in me to hate his guts. It's just really really sad that it is ending like this.