What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by the cruel responses here to OP. This is not “just” the guy deciding he wants someone else and breaking off a long marriage. That’s bad enough but can at least happen ethically. It’s also the cheating and lying from someone you always trusted, to whom you made a commitment. Ridiculous to talk about letting an affair smolder. Who can live like that? Ask me how I know. Last point: people who behave like this are betraying not only their spouse but their entire family. Think about it. Lie to and devalue your wife, you’re also lying to and devaluing your children. Because adult children, as one PP said, are smart. A child who loves their mother will not accept what amounts to emotional abuse. Want to end it, sure! Stuff happens, people change etc. But don’t destroy your spouse’s self-worth with lying, cheating and gaslighting (so so common - OP, go see chumplady.com.

I am definitely going to check out chumplady.com - sounds intriguing...! He never once said "I'm not feeling ok with our relationship and I'm not sure what to do about it." He's just burning everything down right now while he is apparently only thinking with his dick. I posted elsewhere that when I confronted him he placed all the blame on me, as if he's been a passive participant in a 30 year relationship. He won't do couples counseling, and I don't mean I want him to do this so we can stay together, it could be helpful for him to come to a better understanding of how this all came to pass but he won't. It's like a switch flipped and I feel like it's easier for him to leave if he can just paint me as the villain who left him with no choice. Honestly I'm pretty floored that I apparently didn't know him at all. I think it's most upsetting that he is ok with just blowing up the family and leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces. But that is what I'm dealing with right now. I'm actually staying pretty calm with him and I didn't say anything cruel or accusatory when this all came to light. I think mentally I've been preparing for this for the last few months even if I couldn't totally accept it was actually going to happen.

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP needs to tell the college student as it sounds like it'd be obvious what is going on based on the facts. All OP needs to do is provide done reinsurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by the cruel responses here to OP. This is not “just” the guy deciding he wants someone else and breaking off a long marriage. That’s bad enough but can at least happen ethically. It’s also the cheating and lying from someone you always trusted, to whom you made a commitment. Ridiculous to talk about letting an affair smolder. Who can live like that? Ask me how I know. Last point: people who behave like this are betraying not only their spouse but their entire family. Think about it. Lie to and devalue your wife, you’re also lying to and devaluing your children. Because adult children, as one PP said, are smart. A child who loves their mother will not accept what amounts to emotional abuse. Want to end it, sure! Stuff happens, people change etc. But don’t destroy your spouse’s self-worth with lying, cheating and gaslighting (so so common - OP, go see chumplady.com.

I agree that the chump lady website is helpful.

But you’re gonna have to get a thicker skin if you’re gonna post on this board.

You have to realize a lot of people posting are going to be other women, praying and hoping that their husbands leave their wives.

I think the original poster is smart enough to know when she’s talking to an intelligent, thoughtful person and a psycho other woman.

My skin is pretty thick. I have a good support system. I've had a lot of therapy in my life. Relationships don't implode in a vacuum. I'm not going to beat myself up and I'm not going to be a victim but there are some very serious, real, ugly consequences to this and it's going to be my job to manage the cleanup because he simply is not capable.

[Anonymous]

There's no way of doing this that ensures a good outcome. Your instincts here are fine. And it's ok to also focus on taking care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't volunteer unless asked, and if asked, just the facts. Your Dad is in a relationship with someone else.

This is a good way to phrase it. Not over emotional but truthful. I would be honest with my kid about that part. Kids always try to blame themselves for a divorce…you don’t want that, even more than you don’t want blamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him explain it to the kid?

This is the best option. My friend was in the same position as op. Her cheating husband moved in with his gf; he asked her to make up an excuse to tell their adult son. She refused and told him he was the one making the decision to move in with the gf, so he would be the one to inform their son.

Of course, many cheaters will make up lies and/or refuse to be truthful with everyone around them, including their own children.

College age/attending children should not be lied to about their family. Dad’s actions aren’t occurring in a vacuum. They affect their children too, no matter the age. Imagine the loss of trust that will occur between parents and kid if kid finds out from a 3rd party or in an embarrassing way that his dad left for another woman and his parents lied to him.

Secrets are no fun, because secrets always hurt someone. Hurt your kid for what reason? To hide your actions from them? Why compound the hurt? I don’t know why kids are seen as non-human creatures who aren’t emotionally invested and involved in their families, and don’t deserve to live authentically and know the truth about their own families/lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid actually doesn’t “deserve” the truth—he’s not in the marriage and it isn’t his business—I think it’s more that you deserve not to have to cover/lie/spin the situation. I think you can say something like “it came as a shock to me too” or “I know it sucks, it wasn’t my choice to have this happen” and leave it there. He’s smart enough to figure it out.

Your kid may not be sympathetic to you because he will be going through his own grief/loss. I would be prepared for that. It’s tough.

If it’s one thing kids love, it’s uncertainty and having to play detective and figure out where one of their parents f-d off to. Especially during a holiday. It’s so cozy and fun. 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

The man should avoid destroying his relationship with his son. How is the woman responsible for keeping the relationship between father and son intact? She’s going to ruin their relationship by telling their son the truth dad is hiding?

Do you hear yourself?

It doesn’t matter why dad had an affair, dad should be honest with his son. Mom is scrambling to try to help their son deal while dad has zero care.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies but I’m going to start by saying that OP seems to have her wits about her and is looking at this logically, which is step one in helping the kid process this. The more emotion that can be removed the better the conversation is going to go and the easier it is going to be on the kid.

I’d suggest a call with the kid on a Saturday morning (or honestly go visit if they’re close, take them out for lunch and have the conversation). I’d let them know that things at home are changing, you’re not really sure what that’s going to look like in the long run but it shouldn’t impact them and their schooling. And that you wanted to give them a heads up so they weren’t blindsided when they came home.

For thanksgiving itself- I’d offer for them to come home and go to your friends as planned (without their dad of course) or, if you can afford it, offer to take them on a trip somewhere if they’d prefer to do something new. I took my son on weekend trips after the separation and I think it helped both of us in a lot of ways- new memories, bonding, temporary respitefrom the actual situation.

Good luck OP, you got this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

Cheaters love lying by omission. Leaving that huge, critical detail out of the conversation is such a jerk move.

Guaranteed it leads to more confusion and pain for the kid.

[Anonymous]

When you tell your kid, you need to be about them in that moment.
The way you are writing, you’re not able to focus on anyone but yourself right now.
So I think you would be wise to bring in someone else from your kids team for when you tell him: an aunt or uncle, cousin, grandparent. You can be honest with your son about why: you are consumed with the trauma of the breakup right now but you want to make sure he has support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Agree.

I think OP and a lot of posters are missing the point. The man is the kids' father and the mom should try to avoid destroying that relationship.

I don't know why the man had an affair, but I many instances or even most, "we grew apart" is true, even if it's incomplete.

I do NOT want to destroy their relationship. As I posted up thread, they have always had some common interests they share, and their own relationship separate to the family unit. But instead of attempting to end things while putting in some work to reach a mutual understanding of each of our roles, he's just checking out and yes, gonna leave the heavy lifting to me. I don't think he has any tools to help him through this. He has isolated from his few long term friends over the past few years, so much so that they reach out to ME to see how he/we are doing. He's estranged from his family. Other than work and his side piece there isn't anyone in his life who is going to give him some perspective and ask him some tough questions. And we know his side piece is on Team Wife Is a Psycho Why Wouldn't He Dump Her Ass. It feels like a really bad Lifetime movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you tell your kid, you need to be about them in that moment.
The way you are writing, you’re not able to focus on anyone but yourself right now.
So I think you would be wise to bring in someone else from your kids team for when you tell him: an aunt or uncle, cousin, grandparent. You can be honest with your son about why: you are consumed with the trauma of the breakup right now but you want to make sure he has support.

You don’t think dad should explain what is happening to their son? Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you tell your kid, you need to be about them in that moment.
The way you are writing, you’re not able to focus on anyone but yourself right now.
So I think you would be wise to bring in someone else from your kids team for when you tell him: an aunt or uncle, cousin, grandparent. You can be honest with your son about why: you are consumed with the trauma of the breakup right now but you want to make sure he has support.

It's been two days. So yes my primary focus in the last 48 hours has been me. And then I stop and realize that this is going to have a major impact on our kid so I'm trying to figure that out at the same time I have to deal with my own shit.