What should college dc be told about our divorce? DH is cheating and leaving to pursue a relationship with his mistress.

[Anonymous]

Affairs don't peeter out. They may stop with one person but not with the next. Agree though on the financial comment.

[Anonymous]

Let the kid know in case they want to make other plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

You had absolutely no sympathy for your mom, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

You had absolutely no sympathy for your mom, huh?

Kids (and most people) care about how they are treated. No one wants to be around someone who is raging for long. Parents make big exceptions for their kids, but kids aren’t supposed to have to parents their parents. They aren’t supposed to be doing heavy emotional lifting to manage their parents. I didn’t assume PP lacked sympathy, just that it was difficult to be raged at and around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something like this happened when my parents split and I was the college student. For a long time my mother was incandescent with rage and really hard to be around. I didn’t know about the affair until she moved in with my dad. In the interim he was much easier to be around. Therapy is a good idea.

You had absolutely no sympathy for your mom, huh?

Kids (and most people) care about how they are treated. No one wants to be around someone who is raging for long. Parents make big exceptions for their kids, but kids aren’t supposed to have to parents their parents. They aren’t supposed to be doing heavy emotional lifting to manage their parents. I didn’t assume PP lacked sympathy, just that it was difficult to be raged at and around.

As much as I am furious right now, I would never rage/trauma dump on my kid. This is not their burden But they also deserve some version of the truth which is that this was not a mutual decision. They can put two and two together and as I said earlier, it's going to be obvious pretty quickly that Dad has moved on with someone else. I want to protect my kid but this is going to rock their world. But everything we would have done as a family over this break is now not happening. Most of their close HS friends will not be around over Thanksgiving. We've always had some Thanksgiving weekend family rituals that we have done for years that they always look forward to. I just need to figure when and how this news should be presented. It seems like the two best shitty options are 1. I tell them ahead of time what's going on and let them decide if they want to fly back for break or 2. sit down as a family when they get home, let dh break the news with me present so he doesn't get away with not being truthful that this was a unilateral decision. It's so fresh and new and I'm trying to manage two things right now - processing it myself and helping our kid process it. DH has been emotionally absent for years. He is blaming his decision on me - as I said to him the other day "you can point all the fingers you want at me, and I can certainly point plenty of fingers at myself, but you are not owning a single part of this in any way." Ugh. FML.

[Anonymous]

The kid actually doesn’t “deserve” the truth—he’s not in the marriage and it isn’t his business—I think it’s more that you deserve not to have to cover/lie/spin the situation. I think you can say something like “it came as a shock to me too” or “I know it sucks, it wasn’t my choice to have this happen” and leave it there. He’s smart enough to figure it out.

Your kid may not be sympathetic to you because he will be going through his own grief/loss. I would be prepared for that. It’s tough.

[Anonymous]

If your child is an adult, that’s different than what if they were a kid.

“Dad and I couldn’t stay married but we still love you and I’m here for you.” is always appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Your son doesn’t deserve 2 lying parents do not do the bull shit answer… we couldn’t stay married.

1. You say dad is moving out, I don’t completely understand it right now. People go through things and your dad is going through something right now neither of us is going to understand.

2. I am keeping the house and you will always have a home at least until you have your own home. (My kids really needed to hear we were not selling the house)

3. We have enough money for college that is not a worry for us so it should not be a worry for you.

4. I am fine, I’m strong, intelligent, and independent. I have very close friends to be my support system.

5. You will need friends to support you don’t try to keep this a secret, you should talk to <fill in blank of best friend>. There is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time don’t keep
This a secret.

6. Find a family therapist for him to talk to. Are you in MD? I could recommend someone.

He’s gonna be very upset so plan to do something after… go for a hike, a museum m, shopping, go for dinner/ice cream, movie.

Here is the thing… treat your H like he is having a mental health crisis because most likely he is. Seriously who leaves mid semester instead of at least waiting until exams are over, he’s a d!ck plain and simple.

Only 5% of affairs become relationships. I’d wait until the summer to say dad is living with someone if it ends up he is, because most likely that will blow up in his face.

[Anonymous]

I think especially boys tend to side with their mothers and feel protective towards them.

I know of two separate situations where the college-age sons quit speaking to their fathers. In one instance the rupture was permanent.

It can really mess up a college kid, so proceed with prudence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son doesn’t deserve 2 lying parents do not do the bull shit answer… we couldn’t stay married.

1. You say dad is moving out, I don’t completely understand it right now. People go through things and your dad is going through something right now neither of us is going to understand.

2. I am keeping the house and you will always have a home at least until you have your own home. (My kids really needed to hear we were not selling the house)

3. We have enough money for college that is not a worry for us so it should not be a worry for you.

4. I am fine, I’m strong, intelligent, and independent. I have very close friends to be my support system.

5. You will need friends to support you don’t try to keep this a secret, you should talk to <fill in blank of best friend>. There is nothing shameful about your family going through a rough time don’t keep
This a secret.

6. Find a family therapist for him to talk to. Are you in MD? I could recommend someone.

He’s gonna be very upset so plan to do something after… go for a hike, a museum m, shopping, go for dinner/ice cream, movie.

Here is the thing… treat your H like he is having a mental health crisis because most likely he is. Seriously who leaves mid semester instead of at least waiting until exams are over, he’s a d!ck plain and simple.

Only 5% of affairs become relationships. I’d wait until the summer to say dad is living with someone if it ends up he is, because most likely that will blow up in his face.

This is such fantastic, thoughtful advice. Not in MD but my kid has worked with a therapist and I'm going to suggest they work with him again. DH has literally not thought any of this through. To the outside observer who knows him, this is insanely out of character. I'm not totally blindsided - I have been suspecting for a while that something is up. I 100% agree that treating this like dh is having a mental health crisis is a good approach, for my sanity and my kid's. Thank you so much.

[Anonymous]

I am floored by the cruel responses here to OP. This is not “just” the guy deciding he wants someone else and breaking off a long marriage. That’s bad enough but can at least happen ethically. It’s also the cheating and lying from someone you always trusted, to whom you made a commitment. Ridiculous to talk about letting an affair smolder. Who can live like that? Ask me how I know. Last point: people who behave like this are betraying not only their spouse but their entire family. Think about it. Lie to and devalue your wife, you’re also lying to and devaluing your children. Because adult children, as one PP said, are smart. A child who loves their mother will not accept what amounts to emotional abuse. Want to end it, sure! Stuff happens, people change etc. But don’t destroy your spouse’s self-worth with lying, cheating and gaslighting (so so common - OP, go see chumplady.com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am floored by the cruel responses here to OP. This is not “just” the guy deciding he wants someone else and breaking off a long marriage. That’s bad enough but can at least happen ethically. It’s also the cheating and lying from someone you always trusted, to whom you made a commitment. Ridiculous to talk about letting an affair smolder. Who can live like that? Ask me how I know. Last point: people who behave like this are betraying not only their spouse but their entire family. Think about it. Lie to and devalue your wife, you’re also lying to and devaluing your children. Because adult children, as one PP said, are smart. A child who loves their mother will not accept what amounts to emotional abuse. Want to end it, sure! Stuff happens, people change etc. But don’t destroy your spouse’s self-worth with lying, cheating and gaslighting (so so common - OP, go see chumplady.com.

I agree that the chump lady website is helpful.

But you’re gonna have to get a thicker skin if you’re gonna post on this board.

You have to realize a lot of people posting are going to be other women, praying and hoping that their husbands leave their wives.

I think the original poster is smart enough to know when she’s talking to an intelligent, thoughtful person and a psycho other woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think especially boys tend to side with their mothers and feel protective towards them.

I know of two separate situations where the college-age sons quit speaking to their fathers. In one instance the rupture was permanent.

It can really mess up a college kid, so proceed with prudence.

I don't want them to feel like they have to protect me or take a side. They have always had their own "thing" separate to the family relationship - activities they like to do together and some common interests, and I always thought that was great. And we have "our thing" and then there was also a whole family "thing". Unfortunately Thanksgiving break (and Christmas break) have always been the time where we really do the family "thing" if that makes sense. So I'm kind of scrambling to put some kind of structure in place to support them while the family thing falls apart.

[Anonymous]

Lots of great advice here. I would add that if you are going to tell your DC before Thanksgiving, try to time it after any mid-term exams or papers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't dump your trauma on a college student.

Also don’t lie to a college student. They don’t like being lied to.