Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

^See the thing is that you alone have made the decision that this is the best path forward. If you know that your wife wouldn’t like the path you’re taking then you’re just hiding your actions. It’s justification to make you feel good. Your wife has the right to make her own decisions. You’re in a modern marriage where both parties get to make decisions. It’s no longer 1950’s and the Father Knows Best scenario. Give her the options to make her own decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship. Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard.

While I suspect years long affairs can really complicate things, most are short lived and never discovered. The scenario you describe applies to no one I know. Lots of people have short term affairs to cope with marital problems. Not saying its right but all those happy marriages you see are usually blissfully unaware.

What about the feelings of the AP? A person is literally being used to assist someone else in maintaining a facade so their marriage can remain “blissful” - what’s in it for the whole other person involved?

Well, in my case, my AP is going through a really bad divorce to an absolute jerk. I am married to a wonderful woman with zero and I mean zero sex drive (for me at least). So AP and I have discussed ad naseum the temporary nature of all of this. I have encouraged her that when she feels ready, to end the affair so she can seek someone who can be fully there for her. I don't know what I will do next, but I know all the negative feelings of isolation and resentment I had towards my wife are gone. We haven't had sex in weeks anyway.

I know you have convinced yourself that my kids know, we are miserable and fighting and the devil himself can't wait to caste me to eternal damnation. The reality is much more complicated. I am off to coach youth sports after a nice family breakfast. If only life were so simple. Not everything is black and white.

you're deluding yourself. this is going to blow up in your face one way or another. do whatever you feel you need to do, but please don't pretend that you have some kind of moral superiority that you're preserving stability for your kids. even if you have the rare scenario where this is true, the vast majority won't pull it off.

[Anonymous]

Because they are fake, selfish trash.

[Anonymous]

My wife isn't interested in sex with me and I am not interested in leaving the family home. I am interested in sex and fortunately I found someone who is. It's that simple.

Worst case, she catches me and I may end up divorced. As opposed to asking for a divorce which will...end in divorce. So what exactly am I risking?

[Anonymous]

Because people are selfish assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife isn't interested in sex with me and I am not interested in leaving the family home. I am interested in sex and fortunately I found someone who is. It's that simple.

Worst case, she catches me and I may end up divorced. As opposed to asking for a divorce which will...end in divorce. So what exactly am I risking?

Winner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^See the thing is that you alone have made the decision that this is the best path forward. If you know that your wife wouldn’t like the path you’re taking then you’re just hiding your actions. It’s justification to make you feel good. Your wife has the right to make her own decisions. You’re in a modern marriage where both parties get to make decisions. It’s no longer 1950’s and the Father Knows Best scenario. Give her the options to make her own decisions.

Stop pretending that his wife doesn't already know. There is no deception going on here. She absolutely 100% knows that she has zero sex drive and they have not had sex in many weeks. She HAS made her decision: she wants to stay married (otherwise she'd divorce him) and she wants no sex (otherwise the would be having it together and he would not have an AP). We reject your attempt to recast this as some big secret where he's keeping important information from her or limiting her decisions. Nope!

[Anonymous]

[Post New]10/13/2019 22:23 Subject: Re:Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs? [Up]
Anonymous



My wife isn't interested in sex with me and I am not interested in leaving the family home. I am interested in sex and fortunately I found someone who is. It's that simple.

Worst case, she catches me and I may end up divorced. As opposed to asking for a divorce which will...end in divorce. So what exactly am I risking?

You can’t be this ignorant. If your marriage ends because your spouse finds you have been cheating, you risk the respect of her and your children and everyone else who finds out (including your family, in-laws, neighbors, parents of kids’ friends,colleagues, etc.). You throw a bomb into the ability of your wife and kids to trust people that might never go away. You might destroy your relationship with your kids, who will be protective of the betrayed parent. You risk the ability of your spouse to co-parent with you. The only thing you aren’t risking by cheating is your integrity, as that’s already gone.

[Anonymous]

^^ Your cheating, if known by your children, could also have long-term impacts on how your children view relationships and their own ability to have healthy, successful adult relationships.

[Anonymous]

^ You can't be this ignorant. A sexless marriage cannot last. Neither he, nor his wife, want to divorce. His affair is the only way their marriage can survive.

Exactly what solution are YOU suggesting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^See the thing is that you alone have made the decision that this is the best path forward. If you know that your wife wouldn’t like the path you’re taking then you’re just hiding your actions. It’s justification to make you feel good. Your wife has the right to make her own decisions. You’re in a modern marriage where both parties get to make decisions. It’s no longer 1950’s and the Father Knows Best scenario. Give her the options to make her own decisions.

Stop pretending that his wife doesn't already know. There is no deception going on here. She absolutely 100% knows that she has zero sex drive and they have not had sex in many weeks. She HAS made her decision: she wants to stay married (otherwise she'd divorce him) and she wants no sex (otherwise the would be having it together and he would not have an AP). We reject your attempt to recast this as some big secret where he's keeping important information from her or limiting her decisions. Nope!

Married sex denyers get no sympathy. It is both parties responsibility to uphold the tenents of the marriage. Sex is more than PIV, so the pain theory doesnt work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^See the thing is that you alone have made the decision that this is the best path forward. If you know that your wife wouldn’t like the path you’re taking then you’re just hiding your actions. It’s justification to make you feel good. Your wife has the right to make her own decisions. You’re in a modern marriage where both parties get to make decisions. It’s no longer 1950’s and the Father Knows Best scenario. Give her the options to make her own decisions.

Stop pretending that his wife doesn't already know. There is no deception going on here. She absolutely 100% knows that she has zero sex drive and they have not had sex in many weeks. She HAS made her decision: she wants to stay married (otherwise she'd divorce him) and she wants no sex (otherwise the would be having it together and he would not have an AP). We reject your attempt to recast this as some big secret where he's keeping important information from her or limiting her decisions. Nope!

Uh no. You may assume that is the case but I don’t. Unless there’s an explicit discussion, there’s no consent.

I mean if you believe there’s already consent, why not have it out in the open and discuss it? It seems like you believe that she’ll agree to open marriage anyway.

Either there’s consent on your wife’s part to open relationship or that you’ve taken away her right to make a decision for herself. She has the right to make decisions for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^See the thing is that you alone have made the decision that this is the best path forward. If you know that your wife wouldn’t like the path you’re taking then you’re just hiding your actions. It’s justification to make you feel good. Your wife has the right to make her own decisions. You’re in a modern marriage where both parties get to make decisions. It’s no longer 1950’s and the Father Knows Best scenario. Give her the options to make her own decisions.

Stop pretending that his wife doesn't already know. There is no deception going on here. She absolutely 100% knows that she has zero sex drive and they have not had sex in many weeks. She HAS made her decision: she wants to stay married (otherwise she'd divorce him) and she wants no sex (otherwise the would be having it together and he would not have an AP). We reject your attempt to recast this as some big secret where he's keeping important information from her or limiting her decisions. Nope!

Uh no. You may assume that is the case but I don’t. Unless there’s an explicit discussion, there’s no consent.

I mean if you believe there’s already consent, why not have it out in the open and discuss it? It seems like you believe that she’ll agree to open marriage anyway.

Either there’s consent on your wife’s part to open relationship or that you’ve taken away her right to make a decision for herself. She has the right to make decisions for herself.

He HAS decided for herself !! She wants to stay married and not have sex. His affair makes this possible. She gets exactly what she wants. And if she is stupid enough NOT to understand a healthy man is GOING TO HAVE SEX (if not with her, then elsewhere) then she is too dumb to have any kind of serious discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^See the thing is that you alone have made the decision that this is the best path forward. If you know that your wife wouldn’t like the path you’re taking then you’re just hiding your actions. It’s justification to make you feel good. Your wife has the right to make her own decisions. You’re in a modern marriage where both parties get to make decisions. It’s no longer 1950’s and the Father Knows Best scenario. Give her the options to make her own decisions.

Stop pretending that his wife doesn't already know. There is no deception going on here. She absolutely 100% knows that she has zero sex drive and they have not had sex in many weeks. She HAS made her decision: she wants to stay married (otherwise she'd divorce him) and she wants no sex (otherwise the would be having it together and he would not have an AP). We reject your attempt to recast this as some big secret where he's keeping important information from her or limiting her decisions. Nope!

Uh no. You may assume that is the case but I don’t. Unless there’s an explicit discussion, there’s no consent.

I mean if you believe there’s already consent, why not have it out in the open and discuss it? It seems like you believe that she’ll agree to open marriage anyway.

Either there’s consent on your wife’s part to open relationship or that you’ve taken away her right to make a decision for herself. She has the right to make decisions for herself.

He HAS decided for herself !! She wants to stay married and not have sex. His affair makes this possible. She gets exactly what she wants. And if she is stupid enough NOT to understand a healthy man is GOING TO HAVE SEX (if not with her, then elsewhere) then she is too dumb to have any kind of serious discussion.

^^ She has decided for herself.

[Anonymous]

^ not true. I know that is not how I would think. I would not assume that I have consented. Just talk to her.