Why don't people leave their spouse instead of having affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

You think that a spouse who consistently rejects sex (for years) is unaware of their partner’s sexual dissatisfaction? On what planet is that breaking news to the one who actively avoids any chance for intimacy? Why is it necessary to verbally inform them that they have won, and you no longer even want sex with them? You really think that conversation will improve this marriage?

Lying cheating man.

So lying and cheating are horrible, but rejecting sex is perfectly fine.
We will count PP and the other PP as 2 more votes agreeing with the “declare open marriage” poster.
This is sounding like the correct answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:health insurance from spouse

And social status

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When kids are involved, affairs are about control. For the spouse with no or low sex drive, they hate affairs because the power shifts and forces them to decide to live with a cheater or lose their marriage and kids. Without the affair, the low libido partner has the power

NP - This is an interesting perspective that I hadn’t thought of before, but I think you’re right. Thanks for bringing it to the table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are involved, affairs are about control. For the spouse with no or low sex drive, they hate affairs because the power shifts and forces them to decide to live with a cheater or lose their marriage and kids. Without the affair, the low libido partner has the power

NP - This is an interesting perspective that I hadn’t thought of before, but I think you’re right. Thanks for bringing it to the table.

It's the truth. Men that stay with wives that deny sex have no agency or power in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monogamy is not for everyone. Don’t judge. You have no right. You do not know the other’s journey.

Sure and deceitful behavior is Definitely NOT what you should do either. You should be upfront and discuss any sec related shortcomings in your relationship/marriage/situation and resolve them like mature adults. If that necessitates polyamory or extra marital sex per the couple's agreement then so be it. Better to tell me you want action with other men or walk away than possibly passing on an STD and spewing BS drivel about not being satisfied.

+1. Right on point. No one is saying you have to believe in monogamy but you do have to align with your partner on this as opposed to lying/cheating on them.

You think that a spouse who consistently rejects sex (for years) is unaware of their partner’s sexual dissatisfaction? On what planet is that breaking news to the one who actively avoids any chance for intimacy? Why is it necessary to verbally inform them that they have won, and you no longer even want
sex with them? You really think that conversation will improve this marriage?

Lying cheating man.

So lying and cheating are horrible, but rejecting sex is perfectly fine.
We will count PP and the other PP as 2 more votes agreeing with the “declare open marriage” poster.
This is sounding like the correct answer.

One of the open poster you referenced. I didn't say declare an open marriage, i said align with your wife. Not the same thing.
Frankly, if you're going to go back to its not fair that the wife doesn't have sex, I'll go back further and say what the neck did you do to keep the marriage and married life great. And it would have to be wife's perspective, not yours.

See how this works?

No matter, none of your excuses still justify an affair. Just divorce.o

[Anonymous]

^ meant heck, not neck

[Anonymous]

And non of your excuses justify denying sex l.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And non of your excuses justify denying sex l.

rapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship. Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And non of your excuses justify denying sex l.

rapist.

Get divorced first. It the denyers responsiblity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship. Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard.

While I suspect years long affairs can really complicate things, most are short lived and never discovered. The scenario you describe applies to no one I know. Lots of people have short term affairs to cope with marital problems. Not saying its right but all those happy marriages you see are usually blissfully unaware.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship. Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard.

While I suspect years long affairs can really complicate things, most are short lived and never discovered. The scenario you describe applies to no one I know. Lots of people have short term affairs to cope with marital problems. Not saying its right but all those happy marriages you see are usually blissfully unaware.

What about the feelings of the AP? A person is literally being used to assist someone else in maintaining a facade so their marriage can remain “blissful” - what’s in it for the whole other person involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship. Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard.

While I suspect years long affairs can really complicate things, most are short lived and never discovered. The scenario you describe applies to no one I know. Lots of people have short term affairs to cope with marital problems. Not saying its right but all those happy marriages you see are usually blissfully unaware.

What about the feelings of the AP? A person is literally being used to assist someone else in maintaining a facade so their marriage can remain “blissful” - what’s in it for the whole other person involved?

Well, in my case, my AP is going through a really bad divorce to an absolute jerk. I am married to a wonderful woman with zero and I mean zero sex drive (for me at least). So AP and I have discussed ad naseum the temporary nature of all of this. I have encouraged her that when she feels ready, to end the affair so she can seek someone who can be fully there for her. I don't know what I will do next, but I know all the negative feelings of isolation and resentment I had towards my wife are gone. We haven't had sex in weeks anyway.

I know you have convinced yourself that my kids know, we are miserable and fighting and the devil himself can't wait to caste me to eternal damnation. The reality is much more complicated. I am off to coach youth sports after a nice family breakfast. If only life were so simple. Not everything is black and white.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And non of your excuses justify denying sex l.

rapist.

Get divorced first. It the denyers responsiblity.

This is crazy talk. Doesn’t even make sense. Wife will take the responsibility for divorce if you let her know you cheated. Feel free to tell kids and family that you cheated but it’s because the wife didn’t give enough/better/exciting sex (take your pick of excuses).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have kids, I agree, just divorce.

If you have kids, an affair is far less selfish than divorce. The stability of your kids comes paramount over the fidelity of marriage, but hopefully if both people in the marriage are committed to love and sex one doesn't have to choose.

This is delusional. I know people love to have this idea that you can be super-French and have your lovely mistress on the side and everything is great, but it NEVER works out that way - and it is certainly not a more stable choice for the children.

If you have an affair, one of several things will happen:

your spouse will find out, and your marriage will explode spectacularly, and your kids and finances will be destabilized
you will fall in love with your affair partner, and same thing will happen as above, except now your kids will ALSO have to deal with suddenly having a new step-parent
your spouse won't find out, but you'll just stay in an increasingly unhappy marriage which is apparent to your children, who will live in an unhappy home (and they you'll probably divorce anyway)

Problem with this thinking is that you’re taking decision out of your wife’s hand. I mean you must know that she may react adversely and that is the reason you haven’t told her. All is good with you but you’re taking away your wife’s agency in this matter. So this comes back to you doing what’s right for you, not anyone else. You’re just justifying a selfish decision. Tell her and give her the right to make her own decision!

This idea that you can have a happy marriage while having an affair in the long term is the ultimate self-serving bullshit, manufactured to make people feel better in retrospect about their choice to have an affair.

If you want to end your marriage -- end it. PARTICULARLY with kids, it's important to exit the marriage in the least harmful way possible, and create a good coparenting relationship. Ending the marriage with an affair obviously makes this impossible or very very hard.

While I suspect years long affairs can really complicate things, most are short lived and never discovered. The scenario you describe applies to no one I know. Lots of people have short term affairs to cope with marital problems. Not saying its right but all those happy marriages you see are usually blissfully unaware.

What about the feelings of the AP? A person is literally being used to assist someone else in maintaining a facade so their marriage can remain “blissful” - what’s in it for the whole other person involved?

Well, in my case, my AP is going through a really bad divorce to an absolute jerk. I am married to a wonderful woman with zero and I mean zero sex drive (for me at least). So AP and I have discussed ad naseum the temporary nature of all of this. I have encouraged her that when she feels ready, to end the affair so she can seek someone who can be fully there for her. I don't know what I will do next, but I know all the negative feelings of isolation and resentment I had towards my wife are gone. We haven't had sex in weeks anyway.

I know you have convinced yourself that my kids know, we are miserable and fighting and the devil himself can't wait to caste me to eternal damnation. The reality is much more complicated. I am off to coach youth sports after a nice family breakfast. If only life were so simple. Not everything is black and white.