We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

I tend to agree with this. Who knows where college costs and financial situations will be in 10 years for both parents. It's nice to help if you can but even I as a married parent am not promising my kids to cover their entire college tuition one day. Focus on the here and now OP and the big stuff like holidays and summers and custody arrangements for such. Don't waste energy trying to concoct a plan to hold his feet to the fire 10-12 years from now.

It depends on the finances. I know a few that do have this in the agreement. I don't know the details but it could be a set amount or maybe the prepaid 529 plan. Clearly no one is writing a blank check. Financial aid is going to take his salary into consideration even if you are divorced so if he refuses to pay a dime, but his salary is part of the equation ...

I have this in my Agreement. In MD, college tuition is not on par with child support when they're under 18. DH fought it tooth and nail, but I didn't cave and got it in the end. It's a fixed amount with some contingencies. You can write, for example that it's X if you each have the same salaries, and Y if not. One of my kids is already in college. In your case it may be an even tougher argument, but it's worth pursuing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are separating. It isn't what I want, but he no longer resembles the man I married. He had an affair with a co-worker about a year ago, and I *think* they ended things, but we've been unable to fix our marriage. He told me last night that the love they had was so amazing, so pure, and so intense that he now believes our 15+ year marriage was a mistake. Barf. SUPPOSEDLY this other woman is in counseling with her husband. I really, really, really want to contact her husband and let him know that whatever happened between his wife and my husband has led to the dissolution of our marriage. I feel he has a right to know, and I'd want to know if I were in his shoes.

On a separate issue, we are telling the kids this weekend. Both children are in lower elementary grades. Can someone who has been through this tell me what it was like when you did it? I expect tears, anger, confusion. I'm committed to holding the line that mommy and daddy both love them and that this is very sad, and that I wish we could all be together but that it just can't happen now.

" ... love they had was so amazing, so pure, and so intense ..." Ah, soul mates! The 1960s continue to do lasting damage.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't know if it is a separation with a 100% certainty of divorce. He's moving out, and I'm going to operate as though we are working towards a divorce in 12 months.

I'm able to keep it very civil, and it has helped immensely that the boys seem to respond well to that. I like talking about how cool their room is going to be at Daddy's house, because they seem excited to share that with me. I like telling my older son that it is very nice and thoughtful that he wanted to sleep next to Daddy last night, because he worried Daddy was lonely down on the pull out sofa. In my mind, of course, I was thinking "Your father is a cheating dog who deserves to be lonely forever." but instead, I said that it was very thoughtful and that I'm sure Daddy appreciated it, and that I was proud of him for thinking of his Daddy.

I'm not telling the husband, at least not yet. I did send him a friend request on facebook. He's clearly active on facebook, and he'll recognize my last name. if he wants to talk, he knows how. I'm leaving it at that.

I just can't wait for my STBXH to be gone. it will be so much easier when i don't have to see him every day. I'm ready to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

I tend to agree with this. Who knows where college costs and financial situations will be in 10 years for both parents. It's nice to help if you can but even I as a married parent am not promising my kids to cover their entire college tuition one day. Focus on the here and now OP and the big stuff like holidays and summers and custody arrangements for such. Don't waste energy trying to concoct a plan to hold his feet to the fire 10-12 years from now.

It depends on the finances. I know a few that do have this in the agreement. I don't know the details but it could be a set amount or maybe the prepaid 529 plan. Clearly no one is writing a blank check. Financial aid is going to take his salary into consideration even if you are divorced so if he refuses to pay a dime, but his salary is part of the equation ...

I have this in my Agreement. In MD, college tuition is not on par with child support when they're under 18. DH fought it tooth and nail, but I didn't cave and got it in the end. It's a fixed amount with some contingencies. You can write, for example that it's X if you each have the same salaries, and Y if not. One of my kids is already in college. In your case it may be an even tougher argument, but it's worth pursuing.

Nope. Not happening. I would spend 5-figures in legal fees before I ever agreed to that.

Maybe it was if-this, then-that situation - he got out of giving you the cars by agreeing to pay for college, but still that's messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't know if it is a separation with a 100% certainty of divorce. He's moving out, and I'm going to operate as though we are working towards a divorce in 12 months.

I'm able to keep it very civil, and it has helped immensely that the boys seem to respond well to that. I like talking about how cool their room is going to be at Daddy's house, because they seem excited to share that with me. I like telling my older son that it is very nice and thoughtful that he wanted to sleep next to Daddy last night, because he worried Daddy was lonely down on the pull out sofa. In my mind, of course, I was thinking "Your father is a cheating dog who deserves to be lonely forever." but instead, I said that it was very thoughtful and that I'm sure Daddy appreciated it, and that I was proud of him for thinking of his Daddy.

I'm not telling the husband, at least not yet. I did send him a friend request on facebook. He's clearly active on facebook, and he'll recognize my last name. if he wants to talk, he knows how. I'm leaving it at that.

I just can't wait for my STBXH to be gone. it will be so much easier when i don't have to see him every day. I'm ready to move on.

Sending you a hug, OP. You sound like a good egg and a great parent. Hang in there, take care of you and your boys. You'll get through this time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

I tend to agree with this. Who knows where college costs and financial situations will be in 10 years for both parents. It's nice to help if you can but even I as a married parent am not promising my kids to cover their entire college tuition one day. Focus on the here and now OP and the big stuff like holidays and summers and custody arrangements for such. Don't waste energy trying to concoct a plan to hold his feet to the fire 10-12 years from now.

It depends on the finances. I know a few that do have this in the agreement. I don't know the details but it could be a set amount or maybe the prepaid 529 plan. Clearly no one is writing a blank check. Financial aid is going to take his salary into consideration even if you are divorced so if he refuses to pay a dime, but his salary is part of the equation ...

I have this in my Agreement. In MD, college tuition is not on par with child support when they're under 18. DH fought it tooth and nail, but I didn't cave and got it in the end. It's a fixed amount with some contingencies. You can write, for example that it's X if you each have the same salaries, and Y if not. One of my kids is already in college. In your case it may be an even tougher argument, but it's worth pursuing.

Nope. Not happening. I would spend 5-figures in legal fees before I ever agreed to that.

Maybe it was if-this, then-that situation - he got out of giving you the cars by agreeing to pay for college, but still that's messed up.

What's messed up about getting a commitment to pay for college if he has the means? You'd rather have the money go to lawyers fees to fight it than have your kid use it for college? That's what seems messed up to me. I would think if AP becomes wife #2 down the line, she'll resist him paying for college so better to get the legal agreement in place now.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Re: college, I think all I'll probably require is that we both continue to put $X into their college savings accounts per month. That is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Re: college, I think all I'll probably require is that we both continue to put $X into their college savings accounts per month. That is fair.

Yes that is fair! My MIL ended up paying for DH's younger brother to go to college all on her own and she ended up super broke. And for those of you saying you would fight it, would you at least split it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Re: college, I think all I'll probably require is that we both continue to put $X into their college savings accounts per month. That is fair.

Yes that is fair! My MIL ended up paying for DH's younger brother to go to college all on her own and she ended up super broke. And for those of you saying you would fight it, would you at least split it?

I'm curious as to why PPs would fight it, too? Cost of college rising so rapidly that it will be hard to project the cost? Don't want to be made out to be the bad guy if you can't afford wherever your kid wants to go? Too much opportunity for power struggles again down the road (say, with XW pushing the kids towards expensive options that she knows will be problematic)? Too unwilling to take on a large down the road financial obligation when you don't know where you'll be in how ever many years? Because the large expense will put you in hot water when you have to pay it out during your next marriage and you don't want to deal with your new wife's feelings about the matter?

Something else that I'm not understanding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Re: college, I think all I'll probably require is that we both continue to put $X into their college savings accounts per month. That is fair.

Yes that is fair! My MIL ended up paying for DH's younger brother to go to college all on her own and she ended up super broke. And for those of you saying you would fight it, would you at least split it?

I'm curious as to why PPs would fight it, too? Cost of college rising so rapidly that it will be hard to project the cost? Don't want to be made out to be the bad guy if you can't afford wherever your kid wants to go? Too much opportunity for power struggles again down the road (say, with XW pushing the kids towards expensive options that she knows will be problematic)? Too unwilling to take on a large down the road financial obligation when you don't know where you'll be in how ever many years? Because the large expense will put you in hot water when you have to pay it out during your next marriage and you don't want to deal with your new wife's feelings about the matter?

Something else that I'm not understanding?

It's also not wholly necessary. Why agree to bind yourself to cut a blank check to Oberlin or whatever for a transgender poetry degree wheel your kid could have gotten a scholarship to a state school? Particularly if you can't predict your finances that far out (which you can't -- what if fired, huge stock market drop, etc.).

Totally foolish to just blindly take on some open-ended liability.

I'd agree to fund X amount to a 529 as long as my salary was at least Y. Spouse to do the same. Total to be less than total cost of college and we figure out the remainder later based on facts and circumstances.

That's pretty much how I am handling as-is while married. We are putting in a few thousand each year per kid while they are little, and we'll see where we are when they are and we are about 12 then start planning more from their.

Maybe if you are a multi millionaire different rules apply, I dunno. But I am not yet and may never be so I need to plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

^agree. I'm not promising my kids right now to pay for their entire college education so I damn sure would not promise it to my ex spouse in a divorce.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the divorce process now and my lawyer advised not putting hard college requirements into our agreement. We have the same salaries, so we'd make the same commitments. She said she's seen too many cases where circumstances change and her client can't afford the required contribution and their ex holds them to it. Language about contributing is fine, but you need an out so you're not automatically on the hook for things you can't afford. And absolutely you need language about how existing college savings will be used so he can't transfer them to a subsequent child.

Stay strong OP. I'm 9 months in, and while I still have moments of extreme sadness, there is a lot less stress in my life. There's a freedom in not being tied to someone else's whims and demands that has its own beauty.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Jesus, this is a shitty November.

[Anonymous]

How are you doing OP?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for checking in. I'm ok. I actually think there might be something wrong with me. Spent the day sorting through stuff while the kids wee at school, and it wasn't emotional at all. No tears. Just business... that's mine, that's yours. Shouldn't this be more emotional?

Today he went out to Costco and stocked up on all sorts of stuff for our home. Why would he do that? He's moving out in less than a week. Why did he go buy a months worth of frozen meat, toilet paper, etc.? It isn't for his new place, he would have just brought it there. It kind of pisses me off that he is still doing stuff like this. I can take care of myself and the boys.

We had our first session with the mediator a few days ago to work out the separation agreement and it went well. I have to admit I took great pleasure in telling the mediator, matter of factly, that I want him to agree to waive spousal support if he gets fired from his job as a result of the affair he had with his subordinate. He's humiliated, as he should be. He agreed to it, though.