We are separating, telling kids on Saturday

[Anonymous]

Thanks, 15:42. It isn't easy. I go from wanting to ask questions about why, how, etc. to getting excited to have the stress and negativity gone.

We've divided up the furniture, no real arguments there. Finances are next. No real issues expected there, either. We see a mediator next week to work up a formal separation agreement.

How to heal my heart? I will continue my counseling, my therapist is great. How do I stop mourning the man he used to be and what could have been? I really believed he was the love of my life for so long. I just don't see it happening again.

[Anonymous]

Op if you haven't been to survivinginfidelity.com you should. I'm a few months ahead of you in my separation. My kids had the same reaction as yours, begging us to stay together. It took a few days but they came to terms with it and seem to be doing well going back and forth. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

16:03, OP here. Tell me it gets better, that it gets easier to breathe. Tell me I'll stop mourning what we used to have. Tell me I'll stop hoping to reconcile. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:03, OP here. Tell me it gets better, that it gets easier to breathe. Tell me I'll stop mourning what we used to have. Tell me I'll stop hoping to reconcile. Please.

NP here. Humans aren't able to sustain intense feelings like these perpetually. It will get better. Lots of downs and tough times before it does. You might feel like you're in a darkness that will never end. But you are human, and that means you are resilient. You will be happy again. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Man that's rough. It's sad that he is so checked out that he couldn't really be present for his kids in that moment when they needed him. I hope you and your kids start healing and move forward to live a fabulous life, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man that's rough. It's sad that he is so checked out that he couldn't really be present for his kids in that moment when they needed him. I hope you and your kids start healing and move forward to live a fabulous life, OP.

To be fair, he just wasn't crying and OP imagined the rest. Not to take away from the fact that he has been a terrible husband and father (for jeopardizing his kids' stability).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man that's rough. It's sad that he is so checked out that he couldn't really be present for his kids in that moment when they needed him. I hope you and your kids start healing and move forward to live a fabulous life, OP.

To be fair, he just wasn't crying and OP imagined the rest. Not to take away from the fact that he has been a terrible husband and father (for jeopardizing his kids' stability).

Yeah but how could he not be crying if he weren't totally checked out? Like he just wasn't even registering that his kids and wife were devastated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:03, OP here. Tell me it gets better, that it gets easier to breathe. Tell me I'll stop mourning what we used to have. Tell me I'll stop hoping to reconcile. Please.

Sorry. My wife left me in part for her affair partner. Stayed cool and in her life and I think there is a fair chance we may reconcile. I kept asking her to dinner. Took three vacations with kids under pretense it was just for kids. I have to say I think I am unique. Been loving this way for some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16:03, OP here. Tell me it gets better, that it gets easier to breathe. Tell me I'll stop mourning what we used to have. Tell me I'll stop hoping to reconcile. Please.

It will get better but it's the worst pain imaginable when you are going through it. That's why I recommended the other website. It's a great resource (they have a healing library in addition to their forum). One day at a time, literally. Lean on at least one person who you can tell the truth to. Most of my support network thinks we "grew apart" and "the marriage died". Only a small few know the actual truth. It's embarrassing. There are so many negative emotions. Unfortunately it just takes time. It was a few months before I started feeling a little better. I think I'm doing okay now but still have my moments, as sometimes my husband does show his good side and is very kind and helpful. It's just a gigantic sh*t sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

BARF. I also hate bad teeth. My DH cheated and picked out a house with an ugly woman. I am pretty hot. It just speaks to the crazy shit show you don't want to be apart of anymore. Good, take him. You can have him, because he is obviously nuts.

Don't you get it? It has nothing to do with looks. I want to be with a woman who will respect my opinion, laugh at my jokes, and enjoy having sex with me; not with some bitch like you.

Then why do so many men on this forum get all upset when their wives gain twenty lbs?

Because first wives who get fat AND are bitches are not worth the hassle.

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another hour or so until we tell them. They've been enjoying their morning doing various activities all day so far. The closer the time gets, the angrier I get with him.

Last night, he finally, FINALLY acknowledged after over a year of therapy that they told each other they were in love with each other. He denied, denied, denied for a year. Lied in counseling. And now I know why nothing was going to ever work. The more I process this, the angrier I get. Such a liar, such a betrayal.

She isn't even attractive. She has giant horse teeth, including one big gray dead tooth in the front. Very mousy. Yes, this is me being petty and bitchy, but dear god, just let me have this pettiness in this moment.

BARF. I also hate bad teeth. My DH cheated and picked out a house with an ugly woman. I am pretty hot. It just speaks to the crazy shit show you don't want to be apart of anymore. Good, take him. You can have him, because he is obviously nuts.

Don't you get it? It has nothing to do with looks. I want to be with a woman who will respect my opinion, laugh at my jokes, and enjoy having sex with me; not with some bitch like you.

Then why do so many men on this forum get all upset when their wives gain twenty lbs?

Because first wives who get fat AND are bitches are not worth the hassle.

Amen!

Also male here, is this really the appropriate thread for this crap???

I'm very sorry for all you have been forced to suffer OP.

How firm is this that it is 100% a divorce rather than a separation and TBD?

[Anonymous]

Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

I tend to agree with this. Who knows where college costs and financial situations will be in 10 years for both parents. It's nice to help if you can but even I as a married parent am not promising my kids to cover their entire college tuition one day. Focus on the here and now OP and the big stuff like holidays and summers and custody arrangements for such. Don't waste energy trying to concoct a plan to hold his feet to the fire 10-12 years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a good attorney. Protect yourself and the kids financially. Put him on the hook for college in the agreeement. I'd also tell the other husband. Who knows if he knows or if they are really in therapy. Liars lie about a lot more than one thing.


Good luck. I'm sorry your husband is a piece of shit.

I mean this honestly and truly, what person with half a brain would sign an agreement forcing them to pay for college (which is a 6-figure commitment these days)?

Sure I would be willing to help my kids attend college, but legal obligations end at 18.

I tend to agree with this. Who knows where college costs and financial situations will be in 10 years for both parents. It's nice to help if you can but even I as a married parent am not promising my kids to cover their entire college tuition one day. Focus on the here and now OP and the big stuff like holidays and summers and custody arrangements for such. Don't waste energy trying to concoct a plan to hold his feet to the fire 10-12 years from now.

It depends on the finances. I know a few that do have this in the agreement. I don't know the details but it could be a set amount or maybe the prepaid 529 plan. Clearly no one is writing a blank check. Financial aid is going to take his salary into consideration even if you are divorced so if he refuses to pay a dime, but his salary is part of the equation ...