Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

I'd be careful about leaving a job right now. I think the U.S. is going into a recession and you may not be able to count on the continued employment of a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH prefers I stay home, even though our kids are teenagers. His life is so much better. I enjoy cooking. He never has to worry about laundry, errands, housework, even yardwork (which he doesn't like to do). He can work late and travel for work whenever he wants, which has benefitted his career immensely. I can't imagine him ever thinking about being resentful.

Of course not. He has all that time to bang his co-worker too.

Usually SAHMs living a leisurely lives have the energy and stress-free life to be able to enjoy sex. Usually their husbands are not denied sex at home or have resentful and tired wives. Usually, these men also have the time and energy to have sex as they are not doing household chores. These men also like that they have a well run home, a fit wife, and kids who are doing well at school.

That is the main reason that well to do working men wants a stay at home spouse. These men want to have a good life for themselves and want to be winning in their personal life. When you have a stay at home wife who is living a life of leisure, then the man is also living a life of leisure once they get back home from work. The leisurely life goes both ways. The man is absolved of the duty of pitching in for most things at home because those things are taken care of. The fact that they can afford to outsource most things does not faze these men. They want their wives to be happy and not leave them, so they are happy to fund the domestic staff, gym, shopping and lunch crowd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Why?
The reason my DH wanted me to stay at home was because he did not want our kids to be raised by others. He did not want them to HAVE to go to a summer camp if they wanted to have leisurely summer break. He did not want them to catch the school bus in the dreary cold mornings if a parent was available to drive them to school in heated car. He wanted the presence of a parent in the house to provide them with a sense of security and calm even when they grew up. He wanted to provide a better quality of life for the children because we had the money to do so. And this money was able to buy for our children more time with parent/parents. He wanted to have a domestic staff to take care of the dreary stuff that is needed to run a home - cleaning, laundry, food prep etc, so that the parents had more time and energy to spend with the kids.

Well off people understand the value a SAH spouse can bring to the wellbeing of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed home for many years and DH was grateful for it. But when the kids were older he did seem more resentful and made comments about how much everyone in the house slept. Then once I did go back to work, he would make comments when I would try to nap on the weekends because I was so exhausted from the work week. Sometimes I really hate him.

Yes, he sounds hateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a sahm when kids were young and DH has always said he’s happy as long as I’m happy and would support me in working or not working.

I don’t know if anyone can relate but I actually started to feel resentful. Not towards him necessarily but I felt like people didn’t see me as smart or capable; like I was just an extension of my successful and hardworking DH. He definitely didn’t see me that way and it’s not as though anyone said this, I just didn’t like the was I was showing up in the world anymore.

I should add, I think plenty of sahms take on wonderful projects in the community and use the time to do all kinds of creative and interesting things, I just personally never did. I felt too much like I was only valued as a wife and mom, not as an individual.

OP here. Came back and saw lots of interesting new responses in the past few days. I happen to think my friends who sahm and live leisurely lives are very smart. I fully respect and value the decision to stay at home and raise kids - I would do it myself in a heartbeat but financially it’s too risky for us. I also have SAHM friends who were active in volunteer opportunities throughout the preschool years and then went back to work afterwards.

It’s the leisure sahms I wonder about. The outsourcing childcare and spending days relaxing or by the pool, running silly errands at the mall. Not spending much more time with the kids than a working parent. My husband wouldn’t resent me staying home with our kids or even volunteering but I think he would absolutely be turned off if our kids were in school full time, I was having someone else shuttle the kids around, and I wasn’t even doing anything meaningful on a volunteer basis. He doesn’t get the idleness component, or why some people feel entitled to have a spouse support them if they’re not pulling their weight at home either.

as I’ve considered it more, and based on this thread, it sounds like for some very wealthy people or people who’s jobs are very demanding, having a stay at home spouse can make their own life less stressful since they like their career and don’t want to have to balance a spouses career, and they don’t really care what their wife does since they don’t need the money, even if it means their wife has a lot of free time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I resented it, and it wasn't a joint decision. She just decided to mostly not work during the marriage, including the 10 years before we had a child.

Why would you put up with that though?! 10yrs before you even had kids? Bizarre.

NP here.
That is a good question. He was putting up with it then it means that he was probably getting something out of the deal. Maybe it was status, maybe it was sex, maybe it made him seem less of a loser in his life.

Maybe there was some other reason that she could not work - too young, too uneducated, too poor, did not have a work permit, DH's job was not stable, not stationary (military), or well paying (wife could not go back to college). Maybe she was still studying but DH's job was disruptive and she could not finish in time. Maybe DH's job brought them to places where it was hard to find suitable employment. Maybe the DH did not help out at home and she had to manage it on her own and that was all she had energy for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Why?
The reason my DH wanted me to stay at home was because he did not want our kids to be raised by others. He did not want them to HAVE to go to a summer camp if they wanted to have leisurely summer break. He did not want them to catch the school bus in the dreary cold mornings if a parent was available to drive them to school in heated car. He wanted the presence of a parent in the house to provide them with a sense of security and calm even when they grew up. He wanted to provide a better quality of life for the children because we had the money to do so. And this money was able to buy for our children more time with parent/parents. He wanted to have a domestic staff to take care of the dreary stuff that is needed to run a home - cleaning, laundry, food prep etc, so that the parents had more time and energy to spend with the kids.

Well off people understand the value a SAH spouse can bring to the wellbeing of the family.

Why? Because I prefer spending time with my kids to working, so if DH got to enjoy more time with them, I would resent him. I want that role.

[Anonymous]

DH’s leisurely WFH job is 68% of our household income and he does 60% of the errands and workweek chores. I don’t resent him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH’s leisurely WFH job is 68% of our household income and he does 60% of the errands and workweek chores. I don’t resent him.

He’s a) working b) bringing in most of your income and c) doing most of your chores. Definitely not the scenario asking about here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a sahm when kids were young and DH has always said he’s happy as long as I’m happy and would support me in working or not working.

I don’t know if anyone can relate but I actually started to feel resentful. Not towards him necessarily but I felt like people didn’t see me as smart or capable; like I was just an extension of my successful and hardworking DH. He definitely didn’t see me that way and it’s not as though anyone said this, I just didn’t like the was I was showing up in the world anymore.

I should add, I think plenty of sahms take on wonderful projects in the community and use the time to do all kinds of creative and interesting things, I just personally never did. I felt too much like I was only valued as a wife and mom, not as an individual.

OP here. Came back and saw lots of interesting new responses in the past few days. I happen to think my friends who sahm and live leisurely lives are very smart. I fully respect and value the decision to stay at home and raise kids - I would do it myself in a heartbeat but financially it’s too risky for us. I also have SAHM friends who were active in volunteer opportunities throughout the preschool years and then went back to work afterwards.

It’s the leisure sahms I wonder about. The outsourcing childcare and spending days relaxing or by the pool, running silly errands at the mall. Not spending much more time with the kids than a working parent. My husband wouldn’t resent me staying home with our kids or even volunteering but I think he would absolutely be turned off if our kids were in school full time, I was having someone else shuttle the kids around, and I wasn’t even doing anything meaningful on a volunteer basis. He doesn’t get the idleness component, or why some people feel entitled to have a spouse support them if they’re not pulling their weight at home either.

as I’ve considered it more, and based on this thread, it sounds like for some very wealthy people or people who’s jobs are very demanding, having a stay at home spouse can make their own life less stressful since they like their career and don’t want to have to balance a spouses career, and they don’t really care what their wife does since they don’t need the money, even if it means their wife has a lot of free time

They are bringing something to the table that is valued by high worth men. People in similar SES will understand what they bring.

Frankly, I feel the people who wonder about why someone's spouse is supporting them if they are not doing some "work" are the same people who wonder if they should have food for guests at a birthday party. It is the paucity mindset that makes them wonder if they themselves are "worthy" without working for pay. They are driven by an attempt to understand the world in terms of the monetary worth. They cannot understand that for most of the wealthy people, money is a just a tool to buy back time.

I would rather laze by the pool than work in a toxic workplace. I would rather eat organic food than eat Mcdonalds. I would rather have beautiful manicured hands because it makes me feel good, rather than yell at my DH because laundry is not done. I would rather have someone clean my house than not go for my tennis lessons. I would rather hang out with my kids and blow bubbles with them than to give the bulk of my life to a workplace. I would rather spend time with my family and friends than my coworkers and clients.

For me, a lot of the unpleasant things in life are not problems but expenses. If you have enough money why would you do the unpleasant and boring things in life? What is the other option you are dangling in front of the "leisure spouse"? Leave your leisurely life and go to work in a boring office? Be too tired and overwhelmed after your 9 to 5 to be a pleasant person to your family? If I could be a Taylor Swift, I would not be a leisure SAHM. But to be an office drone is not a reason enough to quit being a happy leisure SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Why?
The reason my DH wanted me to stay at home was because he did not want our kids to be raised by others. He did not want them to HAVE to go to a summer camp if they wanted to have leisurely summer break. He did not want them to catch the school bus in the dreary cold mornings if a parent was available to drive them to school in heated car. He wanted the presence of a parent in the house to provide them with a sense of security and calm even when they grew up. He wanted to provide a better quality of life for the children because we had the money to do so. And this money was able to buy for our children more time with parent/parents. He wanted to have a domestic staff to take care of the dreary stuff that is needed to run a home - cleaning, laundry, food prep etc, so that the parents had more time and energy to spend with the kids.

Well off people understand the value a SAH spouse can bring to the wellbeing of the family.

Why? Because I prefer spending time with my kids to working, so if DH got to enjoy more time with them, I would resent him. I want that role.

So, if you made ten times what you made now, you would still want to send your kids to daycare/after school care just so your husband couldn’t spend time with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

Since I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who wants to live like that, it’s a moot point.

What’s wrong with you being happy with your set-up, and I’ll be happy with mine? Why the need to pick apart what works for me? I’m not doing it back.

That's it. I was able to stay home, we weren't wealthy but were good at money management. I did do some p/t from home at times. If anything most other women envied me, a few were jealous but that was about it. If you are a woman who may want to stay home, or do both during your lifetime marry someone who is on board with that. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Why?
The reason my DH wanted me to stay at home was because he did not want our kids to be raised by others. He did not want them to HAVE to go to a summer camp if they wanted to have leisurely summer break. He did not want them to catch the school bus in the dreary cold mornings if a parent was available to drive them to school in heated car. He wanted the presence of a parent in the house to provide them with a sense of security and calm even when they grew up. He wanted to provide a better quality of life for the children because we had the money to do so. And this money was able to buy for our children more time with parent/parents. He wanted to have a domestic staff to take care of the dreary stuff that is needed to run a home - cleaning, laundry, food prep etc, so that the parents had more time and energy to spend with the kids.

Well off people understand the value a SAH spouse can bring to the wellbeing of the family.

Why? Because I prefer spending time with my kids to working, so if DH got to enjoy more time with them, I would resent him. I want that role.

So you’re too selfish to think about life from your kids’ POV?

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Why?
The reason my DH wanted me to stay at home was because he did not want our kids to be raised by others. He did not want them to HAVE to go to a summer camp if they wanted to have leisurely summer break. He did not want them to catch the school bus in the dreary cold mornings if a parent was available to drive them to school in heated car. He wanted the presence of a parent in the house to provide them with a sense of security and calm even when they grew up. He wanted to provide a better quality of life for the children because we had the money to do so. And this money was able to buy for our children more time with parent/parents. He wanted to have a domestic staff to take care of the dreary stuff that is needed to run a home - cleaning, laundry, food prep etc, so that the parents had more time and energy to spend with the kids.

Well off people understand the value a SAH spouse can bring to the wellbeing of the family.

Why? Because I prefer spending time with my kids to working, so if DH got to enjoy more time with them, I would resent him. I want that role.

You can have that role. Learn to live on one salary and you will be able to do that. So, your anger against SAHMs is basically out of bitterness?