Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

We know several families with either SAHDs (less common, and usually only very young kids) or “dads who are the primary caregivers and have hobby jobs” (we know way more of these). High earning wives, several kids, & the husbands do things like work at the golf course part time, fix up classic luxury cars for sale, small scale house flipping. Biweekly cleaning help. Honestly, the moms/wives seem extremely happy. However, the two dads like this that we know best are neat freaks (to the point that it is a running joke). One of them is also a really really good cook. Most men probably would not want to do these things. Maybe it is strange that we seem to know several, but we do!

It's hard to imagine a neat freak husband who is an excellent cook. I suppose under those circumstances, maybe I'd be okay with it, but I would still get jealous if I had a nonworking spouse who got to spend more time with the kids.

Why?
The reason my DH wanted me to stay at home was because he did not want our kids to be raised by others. He did not want them to HAVE to go to a summer camp if they wanted to have leisurely summer break. He did not want them to catch the school bus in the dreary cold mornings if a parent was available to drive them to school in heated car. He wanted the presence of a parent in the house to provide them with a sense of security and calm even when they grew up. He wanted to provide a better quality of life for the children because we had the money to do so. And this money was able to buy for our children more time with parent/parents. He wanted to have a domestic staff to take care of the dreary stuff that is needed to run a home - cleaning, laundry, food prep etc, so that the parents had more time and energy to spend with the kids.

Well off people understand the value a SAH spouse can bring to the wellbeing of the family.

Why? Because I prefer spending time with my kids to working, so if DH got to enjoy more time with them, I would resent him. I want that role.

So, if you made ten times what you made now, you would still want to send your kids to daycare/after school care just so your husband couldn’t spend time with them?

LOL. This poster is a bean counter.

[Anonymous]

A normal man or woman in a healthy relationship would be happy if they or their spouse or both can have more time to spend with kids and manage a relaxed and happy family life fir all. Jealousy only happens when relationship has other problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

Why is working full-time and running a house without outside help a badge of honor? That's a double shift, and I don't envy you.

And I’m not asking you to. I’m a driven person and always have been. I like being busy, and I like having goals to achieve. Work and parenting do that for me.

The thread asked if I’d be jealous or resentful of people who stay home and focus on themselves. The answer is no.

I don’t ask for pity or a prize. I’m happy being me. Go be happy being you.

Would you be happy if your spouse stayed home and lived a leisurely life while you continued to work and ran the home? That is the question, and I suspect most driven women would say no.

Since I wouldn’t be attracted to a man who wants to live like that, it’s a moot point.

What’s wrong with you being happy with your set-up, and I’ll be happy with mine? Why the need to pick apart what works for me? I’m not doing it back.

That's it. I was able to stay home, we weren't wealthy but were good at money management. I did do some p/t from home at times. If anything most other women envied me, a few were jealous but that was about it. If you are a woman who may want to stay home, or do both during your lifetime marry someone who is on board with that. It's that simple.

I think it is the women who make middle incomes married to men who also earn middle incomes whose incomes together are still a fraction of the high earner /SAHM who are jealous or judgy. They can’t fathom a life where the husband earns high six figures or millions in bonuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up where all the dads worked on Wall St. and the public schools didn’t have busses because it was assumed every household had a mom at home or a nanny / housekeeper to take kids to school. This was in the 90s, not the 1960s. His HS friends who stayed all have similar lifestyles today with the wife at home and the dad working 60+ hours a week. The only difference is that with telework, sometimes the dads get to see an afterschool track meet or soccer game.

I think some men think having non-working spouse is a status symbol. Part of displaying that status symbol is showing off the fact that your wife has time to get her nails and hair done, time to work out, and time to decorate your home and plan parties and fundraisers.

If your wife is just schlepping your kids around town in a minivan with her messy bun and leggings, that’s not a status symbol, that’s advertising the fact that your wife doesn’t have the earning potential to justify paying for the labor she provides for free.

I’m from nyc and lived in a town of families like you describe. I’m ivy educated and used to work before staying home. I clean up nicely but I do drive my kids around to their three different schools with messy hair but I drive an expensive SUV. I work out daily and am often in leggings or athleisure. Some days I get dressed for lunch or dinner. Most days I may not. It is cold. My comfy clothes are stylish. I chitchat with parents at school and games.

I do host a lot. I host play dates, parties, dinners, teas. We have a packed social life. I travel with the kids.

DH is very successful and well respected. I don’t think he cares but I do think in his circles, having a SAHM wife and kids in private is somewhat of a status symbol. Many people have this so no one really cares. DH is very proud of our kids and how well they are turning out. He tells me he appreciates me and how amazing our kids are frequently.

🤮

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I resented it, and it wasn't a joint decision. She just decided to mostly not work during the marriage, including the 10 years before we had a child.

Well, you shouldn't have had a kid with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well, judging SAHMs is a favorite pastime for unsatisfied or smug WOHMs, just like it was the other way around for SAHMs to judge WOHMs. Grass looks greener or dead on the other side even though it's not that much different on either side, just different shades.

Plenty of people don't judge either side, like making obviously resentful quips of "I'd hate that lifestyle".
They just see the negative, sympathize and don't need to compare how their choices would not leave them open to such tragedy. Because, they know their own life has drawbacks to some degrees.
I won't give the details but I had a wohm friend confess some outrageous stuff to me that would send anyone's tongue wagging and tsk tsking. I don't think any less of her because it was understandable in her case and something I could imagine my own mom saying (and I know my mom was pretty great). I don't rush to post the tragic tales of this one lady as a common thing, to gloat, that's so silly. I have my own multiple failings, everyone does. Life has many dimensions and we don't always show them so people take the small sliver they see to paint a broad picture, usually to suit their pov.

Saying you'd hate something isn't being resentful. I hate butternut squash soup. I don't like the texture, the taste, the color. Doesn't make it a bad soup, it just makes it one I don't like.

Saying someone would hate the lifestyle of someone who does X (which, by the way, is present on both sides) means it wouldn't work for them. Most people would hate my job. I don't care. I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

I’m calling BS. Whether you’d be bored being a SAHM wasn’t the point of this thread. It’s about whether husbands feel resentful. The fact that you felt it so important to type out this response that isn’t what OP is asking about suggests that actually, you are trying to diminish outer people’s lives with the statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A normal man or woman in a healthy relationship would be happy if they or their spouse or both can have more time to spend with kids and manage a relaxed and happy family life fir all. Jealousy only happens when relationship has other problems.

It seems rare that a SAHD = a more relaxed and happy family life for all, including for the working mom. Men generally don't pick up the slack at home and with the kids, so women continue to work a double shift in this scenario. It's rare to see or hear about women who are happy being the sole breadwinner with a stay-at-home husband, especially one who likes to enjoy his leisure time. There is a long discussion on just this thread. Men generally don't bring much value to a family if they aren't providers, with few exceptions.

[Anonymous]

Well, I don't resent my spouse. But when we were working with a contractor he called his wife mid-meeting her to check on the height of an appliance that impacted our design, because he knew she'd be home. And that made ME angry and resentful. Because I had to work outside the home AND I had kids. And there she was at home in the middle of a regular workday. No kids. No job. Pissed me off. LOL. The things that get under our skin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH prefers I stay home, even though our kids are teenagers. His life is so much better. I enjoy cooking. He never has to worry about laundry, errands, housework, even yardwork (which he doesn't like to do). He can work late and travel for work whenever he wants, which has benefitted his career immensely. I can't imagine him ever thinking about being resentful.

Of course not. He has all that time to bang his co-worker too.

Usually SAHMs living a leisurely lives have the energy and stress-free life to be able to enjoy sex. Usually their husbands are not denied sex at home or have resentful and tired wives. Usually, these men also have the time and energy to have sex as they are not doing household chores. These men also like that they have a well run home, a fit wife, and kids who are doing well at school.

That is the main reason that well to do working men wants a stay at home spouse. These men want to have a good life for themselves and want to be winning in their personal life. When you have a stay at home wife who is living a life of leisure, then the man is also living a life of leisure once they get back home from work. The leisurely life goes both ways. The man is absolved of the duty of pitching in for most things at home because those things are taken care of. The fact that they can afford to outsource most things does not faze these men. They want their wives to be happy and not leave them, so they are happy to fund the domestic staff, gym, shopping and lunch crowd.

This is the worst ChatGPT from 1950 garbage I've ever read

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I don't resent my spouse. But when we were working with a contractor he called his wife mid-meeting her to check on the height of an appliance that impacted our design, because he knew she'd be home. And that made ME angry and resentful. Because I had to work outside the home AND I had kids. And there she was at home in the middle of a regular workday. No kids. No job. Pissed me off. LOL. The things that get under our skin.

If you aren't happy with your life, change that. Hating others for making different choices makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wouldn’t be resentful because that’s not the type of life I want.

I’m proud of my accomplishments, which include having a successful full time job as well as a well-running house (without outside help). I love the life I lead and I find meaning and value in it.

I would be bored leading the type of life you describe.

People who are genuinely happy and satisfied with their own lives generally don’t try to diminish other people’s lives this way.

NP but I'd also be bored. Someone's opinion doesn't diminish someone else's situation.

Come on. Telling someone you find their life boring is meant to be an inside. Keep it to yourself. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

+1 The flip side of this is that my husband didn't have to do anything. No cooking, no cleaning, no bedtimes, no playdates, no party planning, no chauffeuring, no dental/doctor appointments, no pet care, no lawn work, etc. et.c. He had a pretty great life for a while. lol