Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

My husband loves being an at home unemployed person. I love my career. Again, you just can't generalize.

Your anecdote doesn’t change biology.

Men and women are different, biologically and in terms of societal expectations that we are all exposed to.

Although there are happy SAHD situations, they are unusual for a reason. A lot of women aren’t attracted to a man who wouldn’t provide the family.

I can’t think of any great SAHD with working mom situations where couple looks happy. We do know a few couples where the dad sold a company and/or retired early because he made so much so both the mom and dad don’t work. They seem happy just being rich.

And how many couples do you, personally, know with a SAHD and a working mom? I’m guessing 0-1.

Over the years, we have known around 10. Some took some time off when kids were little when mom was in surgical residency. Or mom had a very big career (c suite, big law partner, investment banker). Others were just kind of lazy or were laid off and unemployed. A few are now divorced. Others look unhappily married. I don’t know how they looked in their twenties but one husband is very fit and very attractive while working wife has aged poorly. They look like a mismatched couple. Like he looks like a 9-10 and she is a 1-2. She just has a regular job, not a $$$ job.

[Anonymous]

I had a friend with a SAHD and their marriage seemed really happy. But keep in mind, OP isn’t asking about SAH parents per se, but those with school age kids who lead “leisurely lives.” The SAHD I knew was super active with the young kids!

[Anonymous]

Being a SAHP of school aged kids is leisurely, yes. I just went back to work PT last year (once my youngest started HS). That said, it really benefits the working spouse also. We have 3 kids and my DH has never once had to pick up a sick kid, leave early to pick up a kid, wait for a repair guy, or deal with basically any scheduling issues whatsoever. Basically ever. Because I was always taking care of it. Also, I did (and still do) almost all of the cooking during the week, cleaning etc myself. We could afford to hire some of that out but do not (just never felt the need). We do have a landscaper. For us (both of us) it worked well, and he was never resentful. Yes I had several free hours every day, but he got plenty of free time also. Basically, me being at home gave us BOTH a lot more free time than we would’ve had otherwise.

[Anonymous]

My DH has never cared if I work or not. He’s always paid the bills and didn’t expect me to work when we had kids. IME women get very resentful of house-husbands because there is nothing more contemptible than a lazy man, but the reverse is not true. I’m hardworking but my DH gets super happy when he sees me and the kids having fun doing leisurely things like swimming, going out to eat, reading books, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home after my second was born very prematurely. My husband and I both had demanding jobs and it just was too much for the family.

We made that decision jointly and I always thought I’d return to work in a few years.

In the meantime, my husband’s career really intensified. Meaning, more pressure, more travel and a lot more money.

I never returned to work. I had part time help when the kids were really little. That ended when they were in school. I did have and continue to have cleaning help.

When they were school aged (both in college now) days went a lot like this until they were driving.

630: get kids up, breakfast and 90 minute commute to two different schools and back home

930 work out or walk

11 shower get ready for day

12 -230 things like work on bills, schedules, volunteer work (I was very active in both schools), occasionally see a friend, laundry, prep dinner, grocery shopping

230 begin pick ups and driving to after school things for one child a lot of sports as club play
Stay to watch practice or game or similar

6 home make dinner

7 dinner

7-9 homework/family time

10 bed

I was fortunate to be able to do this but it really wasn’t leisurely. My taking care of everything for the kids and the house allowed my husband to have the career he had.

I do not think he was resentful at all. He often would suggest I get more help, but that wasn’t my style.

Currently, the kids are gone and I do find I have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve returned to school for a second career and I’m enjoying traveling with my husband for his work and for fun, seeing old friends, and spending time on my health and wellness.

Sometimes lately I feel like he continues to work so hard, and I don’t, but he has never once made me think he is resentful of that. I make beautiful dinners, arrange interesting weekend activities, stay in shape and healthy, can accompany him on work trips, and take care of all household, aging parent, and existing kid needs.

He appreciates all of that.

It works for us.

yes

You were clearly working very hard for your family. Hats off to you!

[Anonymous]

I’ll be honest. I do think my husband is envious sometimes. (Not when they were small, but now that they are older.) But he is a mature adult and with his work demands (big law) he also understands that unless he wants to pitch in A LOT more at home (which would be hard for him) my going back to work just isn’t practical for either of us.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of three and I will fully admit I am jealous. Of course I am! What do all of these high earning husbands do?! We’re not in DC now but DH works long hours at a professional job and is very good at what he does and earns $200K, so we are dirt poor by DCUM standards. I work part time but I am working the whole time my kids are in school so I start “second shift” immediately after getting off work and start running the kids to practices, appointments, run errands, help with homework, make dinner, do laundry, clean up, handle all logistics because I can’t make calls, place orders etc during the work day - I have to do all that because DH is still at work. I hate it and would love to stay home, and I think DH would be supportive but we can’t afford it. How are so many people making $1M+ at year? I guess I didn’t marry well. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read the whole thread but yes, the answer is yes.

[Anonymous]

Genuinely don’t think DH is resentful. He’s happy his family is happy, he takes a lot of pride in the fact that I can decide if I want to work and that I don’t feel financial pressure to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Genuinely don’t think DH is resentful. He’s happy his family is happy, he takes a lot of pride in the fact that I can decide if I want to work and that I don’t feel financial pressure to.

This

[Anonymous]

OP. Some men see their woman not working on much inside or outside the house as a status symbol. As a marker of the wealth they are able to achieve to be in the upper class. If they aren't a man of power or don't really see themselves that way, then they are resentful. It's about the man's perspective on his life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

“My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to ***many*** practices, scout events, etc.”

Sounds like that’s EXACTLY the lifestyle you have…

There are different people who responded to the original post in this particular thread...

By replying they’re co-signing the “original” sentiment ergo the statement stands…

Maybe go read about how threads work and then come back.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

Gross.
Could it be he was happy to go to the office to get away from your reminding him how hard your life was?
I’m all for the choice of staying at home if that works for you. But no spouse needs to be told how hard the other’s role is.

NP here. Being a full time parent of young kids is harder than going to work.

Totally depends on the type of work and the number, temperaments and ages of the kids. Can't generalize.

I have been a working mom, SAHM, PT working mom.

Being a SAHM of young kids is the hardest.. this thread is about SAHM of school aged kids with help.

And I think being a working mom of young kids is the hardest. See how that works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stayed at home after my second was born very prematurely. My husband and I both had demanding jobs and it just was too much for the family.

We made that decision jointly and I always thought I’d return to work in a few years.

In the meantime, my husband’s career really intensified. Meaning, more pressure, more travel and a lot more money.

I never returned to work. I had part time help when the kids were really little. That ended when they were in school. I did have and continue to have cleaning help.

When they were school aged (both in college now) days went a lot like this until they were driving.

630: get kids up, breakfast and 90 minute commute to two different schools and back home

930 work out or walk

11 shower get ready for day

12 -230 things like work on bills, schedules, volunteer work (I was very active in both schools), occasionally see a friend, laundry, prep dinner, grocery shopping

230 begin pick ups and driving to after school things for one child a lot of sports as club play
Stay to watch practice or game or similar

6 home make dinner

7 dinner

7-9 homework/family time

10 bed

I was fortunate to be able to do this but it really wasn’t leisurely. My taking care of everything for the kids and the house allowed my husband to have the career he had.

I do not think he was resentful at all. He often would suggest I get more help, but that wasn’t my style.

Currently, the kids are gone and I do find I have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve returned to school for a second career and I’m enjoying traveling with my husband for his work and for fun, seeing old friends, and spending time on my health and wellness.

Sometimes lately I feel like he continues to work so hard, and I don’t, but he has never once made me think he is resentful of that. I make beautiful dinners, arrange interesting weekend activities, stay in shape and healthy, can accompany him on work trips, and take care of all household, aging parent, and existing kid needs.

He appreciates all of that.

It works for us.

You slept for 10 and a half hours a night, worked out for 90 minutes, didn't shower until 11 am, spent 2 and a half hours doing random tasks, and you don't think that was leisurely? Maybe because you quit when your kids were little you have absolutely no concept of how working moms get things done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom of three and I will fully admit I am jealous. Of course I am! What do all of these high earning husbands do?! We’re not in DC now but DH works long hours at a professional job and is very good at what he does and earns $200K, so we are dirt poor by DCUM standards. I work part time but I am working the whole time my kids are in school so I start “second shift” immediately after getting off work and start running the kids to practices, appointments, run errands, help with homework, make dinner, do laundry, clean up, handle all logistics because I can’t make calls, place orders etc during the work day - I have to do all that because DH is still at work. I hate it and would love to stay home, and I think DH would be supportive but we can’t afford it. How are so many people making $1M+ at year? I guess I didn’t marry well. Wow.

I have been a SAHM in the DC area for 17 years. During this time DH has earned between $140k and around $500k. Never anywhere close to $1M in a year. It helps that we bought our house in 2013. But tons of SAHMs have incomes far below what you are claiming.