Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

I would resent this, and I would hope my spouse would resent it.

I know there are men who feel this way. I think it speaks volumes of what men think about women if they genuinely don't care what their spouse does all day. Men who think this just don't think about their spouses are peers or partners or of having much value. That arrangement and value system works in some marriages; it wouldn't work for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH doesn’t seem to care what I do so long as I am happy.

Would you be happy as long as he is happy? So if he was happy not working, you would be fine with that?

I have no idea. He is super in to his work, so he would be a totally different person. But if he wanted to work as a professor or something and make a lot less, that would be fine. I would go back to being a lawyer. But he would have to do a lot more of the kids wrangling.

[Anonymous]

I cannot speak for all DHs, but mine is not resentful. He has a high paying job filled with all the recognition, external praise and social interaction that comes along with it -which he loves. In addition, he has a smoking hot, educated wife who works out, gets pedicures, eats well, cooks healthy meals for the family, shuttles kids to and from appointments/ sports practice/ etc, can stay home with the kids at the drop of a hat (sicknesses, last minute work trips etc), takes on the brunt of our kids’ emotional needs, physical needs, mental needs etc etc etc. Bottom line is: neither of us are resentful. I appreciate what he brings to the table. He appreciates what I bring to the table. In fact, it is him who often reminds me that I do work. I just don’t get a paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would resent this, and I would hope my spouse would resent it.

I know there are men who feel this way. I think it speaks volumes of what men think about women if they genuinely don't care what their spouse does all day. Men who think this just don't think about their spouses are peers or partners or of having much value. That arrangement and value system works in some marriages; it wouldn't work for me.

This is a bizarre take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot speak for all DHs, but mine is not resentful. He has a high paying job filled with all the recognition, external praise and social interaction that comes along with it -which he loves. In addition, he has a smoking hot, educated wife who works out, gets pedicures, eats well, cooks healthy meals for the family, shuttles kids to and from appointments/ sports practice/ etc, can stay home with the kids at the drop of a hat (sicknesses, last minute work trips etc), takes on the brunt of our kids’ emotional needs, physical needs, mental needs etc etc etc. Bottom line is: neither of us are resentful. I appreciate what he brings to the table. He appreciates what I bring to the table. In fact, it is him who often reminds me that I do work. I just don’t get a paycheck.

+1. Each person feeling like they are receiving the better end of the deal results in marital happiness. Some men, like my DH, weren’t looking for a wife with a big paycheck because he can easily provide for a family by himself. He wanted a wife who wanted to stay home and manage the house. Our roles are clear cut and it works for us.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s an important distinction between resenting the lost potential income vs resenting the person having time for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot speak for all DHs, but mine is not resentful. He has a high paying job filled with all the recognition, external praise and social interaction that comes along with it -which he loves. In addition, he has a smoking hot, educated wife who works out, gets pedicures, eats well, cooks healthy meals for the family, shuttles kids to and from appointments/ sports practice/ etc, can stay home with the kids at the drop of a hat (sicknesses, last minute work trips etc), takes on the brunt of our kids’ emotional needs, physical needs, mental needs etc etc etc. Bottom line is: neither of us are resentful. I appreciate what he brings to the table. He appreciates what I bring to the table. In fact, it is him who often reminds me that I do work. I just don’t get a paycheck.

+1. Each person feeling like they are receiving the better end of the deal results in marital happiness. Some men, like my DH, weren’t looking for a wife with a big paycheck because he can easily provide for a family by himself. He wanted a wife who wanted to stay home and manage the house. Our roles are clear cut and it works for us.

Right but you’re not outsourcing everything related to the house and kids. That’s different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying home and relaxing all day sounds like a recipe for depression. For me anyway.

This. I am the default parent and I don't necessarily need to work, but I have worked part-time on projects since my kids were about 1. I know it keeps me sane and when I don't have enough to do, I spend too much time in my own head and absolutely become depressed. So I have projects that make a bit of money, I can complete on my own time, and keep me connected to a professional world. Our family definitely benefits from having an "on call" parent who can be with the kids on days off/sick days/summers. The whole family is less stressed.

I do still have more free time than my husband (for example, right now). Still figuring that out. Maybe my ability to do all the home stuff (cooking, groceries, laundry) buys him some time.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, there are two possible scenarios here:

1) Pam and Jim from “The Office.” You know the last season where they have two kids, and he opens some kind of sports agent business, but quits to stay with Pam at Dunder Mifflin? There are a lot of people who end up in this situation, but he doesn’t quit. He keeps going, makes a lot of money, and tells her to do whatever she needs to do to make herself happy.

2). This was the arrangement from the beginning, and her “job” is to have a perfect tan and manicured nails and go to the gym and be on the board of xyz. It looks like leisure, and it is, but she doesn’t really have the option to not do this.

Either way, I don’t think the man has grounds to be resentful. Not to say that he never is, but it’s kind of bogus to feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot speak for all DHs, but mine is not resentful. He has a high paying job filled with all the recognition, external praise and social interaction that comes along with it -which he loves. In addition, he has a smoking hot, educated wife who works out, gets pedicures, eats well, cooks healthy meals for the family, shuttles kids to and from appointments/ sports practice/ etc, can stay home with the kids at the drop of a hat (sicknesses, last minute work trips etc), takes on the brunt of our kids’ emotional needs, physical needs, mental needs etc etc etc. Bottom line is: neither of us are resentful. I appreciate what he brings to the table. He appreciates what I bring to the table. In fact, it is him who often reminds me that I do work. I just don’t get a paycheck.

+1. Each person feeling like they are receiving the better end of the deal results in marital happiness. Some men, like my DH, weren’t looking for a wife with a big paycheck because he can easily provide for a family by himself. He wanted a wife who wanted to stay home and manage the house. Our roles are clear cut and it works for us.

DH always said I have the harder job. I think he does. 35 years of marriage and we're still devoted to each other and our family. It's not what we planned going into our marriage but it works for us.

[Anonymous]

My brother works all day and then has to go home and make dinner because his stay at home wife doesn’t ever cook. I would resent that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother works all day and then has to go home and make dinner because his stay at home wife doesn’t ever cook. I would resent that.

My parents had this arrangement, but they liked it. Cooking is my dad's hobby, and it relaxed him after work. My mom did the grocery shopping for him, and made meals when he wasn't up for it, which was rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're resentful of spouses who get paid to "work" from home and do nothing.

DH calls me a SAHM with a paycheck. I've been working from home for the 15 years. I make a decent salary and am able to do kid pick up/drop off, laundry, grocery shop, and get dinner ready. He thinks it great. I look at us as a partnership. The more stuff I get done around the house when I'm home, the more family time we have.

That phrasing doesn’t bother you? I have worked really hard to figure out a job where I earn a good amount of money doing work I care about but still pick up my kids at 3 most days. I’m not full time. But I don’t have time to do all my errands during the day. I do think we should normalize jobs that are not 40 hours a week or whatever but I would be pissed if my husband called me a SAHM with a paycheck. Basically erasing your work aside from the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have several good friends who stay at home. One has forever, one recently left their job. Both have kids in school full time, and one has a nanny as well. They both have cleaning help.

Both of them live very leisurely lives. Manicures, gym, lunches, beauty appointments, watching tv, going to the pool by themselves during the summer while kids are in day camp, etc.

My friend without the nanny is however, constantly shuttling her kids around, cooking full dinners etc - so a slightly less leisurely life. The one with a nanny truly seems to relax most of the time, nanny does the kids activities etc.

My husband would be okay if stayed home with our kids, but would absolutely resent it if I stayed home and relaxed all day while outsourcing all childcare and not contributing to our finances. And I’d probably resent him in the reverse scenario. How does this dynamic play out in marriages? Even if the spouses are relatively high earners, do they care?

I am not asking about stay at home parents of young kids or stay at home parents who don’t have full time nannies - their life is a grind, too. I am talking about stay at home parents who focus on themselves most of the day.

You are not a good friend. It's too bad your friends don't know how you feel because they'd drop you in a heartbeat. Nobody knows what goes on in another person's marriage and family life.