Are working spouses resentful of stay at home spouses who live leisurely lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

“My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to ***many*** practices, scout events, etc.”

Sounds like that’s EXACTLY the lifestyle you have…

There are different people who responded to the original post in this particular thread...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would resent this, and I would hope my spouse would resent it.

I know there are men who feel this way. I think it speaks volumes of what men think about women if they genuinely don't care what their spouse does all day. Men who think this just don't think about their spouses are peers or partners or of having much value. That arrangement and value system works in some marriages; it wouldn't work for me.

But the thread isn’t whether someone who doesn’t NOT enter into and has NOT chosen to enter into such a marriage would resent it.

The thread is about whether husbands who DO have this arrangement resent it.
And the answer is no.

You have (very smartly for YOU—given your statement that you would resent it) decided not to have such an arrangement. Good for you.

My husband has never had a SAHW but he would resent the heck out of it because he never wanted to work, and his having a working wife meant he had much more money to spend. As you say above, he and I decided before marriage that we would both continue to pursue our careers after marriage and kids. What other people decide to do doesn't affect us at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

Gross.
Could it be he was happy to go to the office to get away from your reminding him how hard your life was?
I’m all for the choice of staying at home if that works for you. But no spouse needs to be told how hard the other’s role is.

NP here. Being a full time parent of young kids is harder than going to work.

Totally depends on the type of work and the number, temperaments and ages of the kids. Can't generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

My husband loves being an at home unemployed person. I love my career. Again, you just can't generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

Men are expected to be the provider. I can’t imagine being with a man who did not want to provide for his family.

I can't imagine my husband being married to a woman who expects him to be the sole provider. So very outdated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to many practices, scout events, etc. I'm happy with that arrangement. Both of us could make significantly more at higher stress jobs.

My husband and I are a team too.
But just as most teams don’t have two pitchers or two catchers on the field, we have different roles.
His is to earn a living to support us financially. Mine is to take care of the home and children. One can argue that our responsibilities overlap sometimes because the fact that we don’t need childcare contributes to our not needing additional earnings to pay for childcare—or sometimes he will drive the kids ti a sporting practice when the other kid has to be at another activity. But for the most part, we just go about our “teamwork” in a different way from the way your team works.

Some of us would like our husbands to do more than "sometimes drive a kid to a sporting practice." But glad your teamwork works for you.

NP

But, lady, get over yourself. You sound like a petulant child with your “sOmE oF uS…” outrage and jealousy.

Just worry about your own family and maybe think about what steps you need to take to become happier. You’re clearly bitter AF.

Not bitter, just wouldn't be interested in a lifestyle where my children's parent sometimes drove them places. If that works for you, then great!

“My husband and I are a team. We both are able to work jobs with decent work/life balance and get to ***many*** practices, scout events, etc.”

Sounds like that’s EXACTLY the lifestyle you have…

There are different people who responded to the original post in this particular thread...

By replying they’re co-signing the “original” sentiment ergo the statement stands…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM mom for years, and my husband was so glad he worked and went into the office. He knew exactly how hard it was because I made sure he knew! lol!

Gross.
Could it be he was happy to go to the office to get away from your reminding him how hard your life was?
I’m all for the choice of staying at home if that works for you. But no spouse needs to be told how hard the other’s role is.

NP here. Being a full time parent of young kids is harder than going to work.

Totally depends on the type of work and the number, temperaments and ages of the kids. Can't generalize.

I have been a working mom, SAHM, PT working mom.

Being a SAHM of young kids is the hardest.. this thread is about SAHM of school aged kids with help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

Men are expected to be the provider. I can’t imagine being with a man who did not want to provide for his family.

I can't imagine my husband being married to a woman who expects him to be the sole provider. So very outdated.

I had a career, ivy educated and was a working mom. We decided together that it would be best for me to stay home with our kids. You are right. I don’t think he would have married someone who didn’t work or didn’t have a career. Our perspectives changed when we had kids and we both thought it would be better if I stayed home for multiple reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

Men are expected to be the provider. I can’t imagine being with a man who did not want to provide for his family.

I can't imagine my husband being married to a woman who expects him to be the sole provider. So very outdated.

I had a career, ivy educated and was a working mom. We decided together that it would be best for me to stay home with our kids. You are right. I don’t think he would have married someone who didn’t work or didn’t have a career. Our perspectives changed when we had kids and we both thought it would be better if I stayed home for multiple reasons.

That's why every couple makes their own decision. And I also presume you were okay with or wanted affirmatively to stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

Men are expected to be the provider. I can’t imagine being with a man who did not want to provide for his family.

I can't imagine my husband being married to a woman who expects him to be the sole provider. So very outdated.

I had a career, ivy educated and was a working mom. We decided together that it would be best for me to stay home with our kids. You are right. I don’t think he would have married someone who didn’t work or didn’t have a career. Our perspectives changed when we had kids and we both thought it would be better if I stayed home for multiple reasons.

Same here. Life and parenthood changes things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

My husband loves being an at home unemployed person. I love my career. Again, you just can't generalize.

Your anecdote doesn’t change biology.

Men and women are different, biologically and in terms of societal expectations that we are all exposed to.

Although there are happy SAHD situations, they are unusual for a reason. A lot of women aren’t attracted to a man who wouldn’t provide the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

My husband loves being an at home unemployed person. I love my career. Again, you just can't generalize.

Your anecdote doesn’t change biology.

Men and women are different, biologically and in terms of societal expectations that we are all exposed to.

Although there are happy SAHD situations, they are unusual for a reason. A lot of women aren’t attracted to a man who wouldn’t provide the family.

I can’t think of any great SAHD with working mom situations where couple looks happy. We do know a few couples where the dad sold a company and/or retired early because he made so much so both the mom and dad don’t work. They seem happy just being rich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

Men are expected to be the provider. I can’t imagine being with a man who did not want to provide for his family.

I can't imagine my husband being married to a woman who expects him to be the sole provider. So very outdated.

I had a career, ivy educated and was a working mom. We decided together that it would be best for me to stay home with our kids. You are right. I don’t think he would have married someone who didn’t work or didn’t have a career. Our perspectives changed when we had kids and we both thought it would be better if I stayed home for multiple reasons.

Same here. Life and parenthood changes things.

+1

This is the only answer and it’s different for every couple at every stage of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually think it is friends who post on DCUM who are jealous of their friends who are SAH parents.

+1
The kind of man who chooses a SAH woman first of all knows and appreciates that the Parenting part of the SAH life is not leisurely.
But also recognizes that the parts that are “leisurely” are things that make her happy and usually are things he is happy to be able to provide for her because it makes her a happy woman.
And whether you believe it or not, most men want peace and happiness of a conflict-free existence at home. Happy women are also happy to lift up and care for their partner. And there’s simply no reason for a man to feel resentful of his wife indulging in “leisurely” activities that contribute to her happiness if she is also caring for him and his home and kids and his needs at the same time. In fact, he is really glad to have a happy wife who is not caught up in the myth that advancing through the paces of a demanding career that takes her focus from their family is the only meaningful way to contribute in society. “Happy wife, happy life” is a mantra that he embraces—and not with resentment.

If a spouse is resentful of the arrangement, it’s not a good fit for them.

So no—I don’t think husbands whose wives have a stay-at-home life are resentful. I think it’s only DCUM working moms who occupy that space.

I was resentful. Because I knew it was a one-way street. There’s no way in hell my DW would be willing to flip the script, and adopt a happy DH-happy life approach. And it’s annoying when someone expects to be treated in a way that they won’t treat you.

The reality is that men and women are different.

My husband loves being an at home unemployed person. I love my career. Again, you just can't generalize.

Your anecdote doesn’t change biology.

Men and women are different, biologically and in terms of societal expectations that we are all exposed to.

Although there are happy SAHD situations, they are unusual for a reason. A lot of women aren’t attracted to a man who wouldn’t provide the family.

I can’t think of any great SAHD with working mom situations where couple looks happy. We do know a few couples where the dad sold a company and/or retired early because he made so much so both the mom and dad don’t work. They seem happy just being rich.

And how many couples do you, personally, know with a SAHD and a working mom? I’m guessing 0-1.

[Anonymous]

I stayed at home after my second was born very prematurely. My husband and I both had demanding jobs and it just was too much for the family.

We made that decision jointly and I always thought I’d return to work in a few years.

In the meantime, my husband’s career really intensified. Meaning, more pressure, more travel and a lot more money.

I never returned to work. I had part time help when the kids were really little. That ended when they were in school. I did have and continue to have cleaning help.

When they were school aged (both in college now) days went a lot like this until they were driving.

630: get kids up, breakfast and 90 minute commute to two different schools and back home

930 work out or walk

11 shower get ready for day

12 -230 things like work on bills, schedules, volunteer work (I was very active in both schools), occasionally see a friend, laundry, prep dinner, grocery shopping

230 begin pick ups and driving to after school things for one child a lot of sports as club play
Stay to watch practice or game or similar

6 home make dinner

7 dinner

7-9 homework/family time

10 bed

I was fortunate to be able to do this but it really wasn’t leisurely. My taking care of everything for the kids and the house allowed my husband to have the career he had.

I do not think he was resentful at all. He often would suggest I get more help, but that wasn’t my style.

Currently, the kids are gone and I do find I have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve returned to school for a second career and I’m enjoying traveling with my husband for his work and for fun, seeing old friends, and spending time on my health and wellness.

Sometimes lately I feel like he continues to work so hard, and I don’t, but he has never once made me think he is resentful of that. I make beautiful dinners, arrange interesting weekend activities, stay in shape and healthy, can accompany him on work trips, and take care of all household, aging parent, and existing kid needs.

He appreciates all of that.

It works for us.